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I had a fun evening with my Grandmother recently, thought someone here might get a kick out of the story. 
That, and I've been trying to improve my comedic writing and this was practice 
I was in the mood for a movie, so I asked my grandmother to drive me to the DVD library. What should have been a ten minute trip turned into a tale of epic proportions!... for me, anyway, but then again I rarely leave my house...
Anyway, first things first: My grandmother is not the world's greatest driver. Kind of like how I, with my limp and chronic knee pain, am not the world's greatest long distance runner. So as we pulled up to the DVD library, I got to have this conversation:
GRANDMA: Which driveway do I turn into?
ME: The next one.
GRANDMA: Alright...
ME: NOT THAT ONE!
GRANDMA: Well, there are people behind me so I'll have to turn in-
ME: This isn't a driveway! It's a footpath! You're driving over a flowerbed!
GRANDMA: What?! No I'm not! Where's the flowerbed?
ME: Now? Right underneath me.
A few moments later we were over the flora and pulling into the carpark. Grandma instantly pulled up and parked, sparking THIS conversation:
ME: Grandma, this isn't a space.
GRANDMA: Isn't it?
ME: There are no lines on the road, and you're horizontal behind other cars.
GRANDMA: Oh, it's fine.
She got out of the car, took one look at the fact that she had boxed a couple of people in, turned to me and said:
GRANDMA: Go in, darling. I'm going to re-park the car.
So! I went inside, started looking around for the movies I wanted. Oooh, there's one!... all out. Damn. Oh well... there's another!... all out. DAMN. Where's that last one... non-existent. Damn.
Grandma offered to take me to another store, which I agreed to with some trepidation, and off we went.
Only to find out when we got there that it had shut down. Damn!
Grandma decided to go to the supermarket (which we could see was in the process of closing) and ask if they knew of another one. Fair enough, off she went. The guy with the trolleys was approaching, leading to this exchange:
TROLLEYGUY: Hey Lady! Store's closed!
GRANDMA: (Quietly) I know that.
TROLLEYGUY: (Didn't hear her) HEY LADY! STORE'S CLOSED!
GRANDMA: (Loudly) I KNOW that.
TROLLEYGUY: (STILL didn't hear her) HEY LADY! STORE'S CLO-
GRANDMA: I KNOW THAT YOUNG MAN!
ME: Hehehehehee...
Anyway, someone standing out the front gave us directions to another one. On the way, Grandma went to another supermarket and bought some delicious custard (gleee~). On the way out of the carpark, she was faced with two options: an exit that said 'Right Turn Only' and an exit that said 'Left Turn Only'. She heads out the 'Right Turn Only' and promptly turns LEFT.
ME: (Quietly) You are a menace to society.
GRANDMA: (is mostly deaf) What was that, dear?
ME: Nothing, Grandma!
We went to the other video store, nearly run into a curb on the way -
GRANDMA: Do you think I should pull in here?
ME: No! That's a curb. Emphatically no.
GRANDMA: Oh dear! That's a curb!
- and we went into the store.
OH. MY. DOG.
This place was insane. There was an enormous long haired black cat in the doorway. Now I'm not superstitious, but it made me nervous. Mostly because it looked like it could eat me. As I went in, I realized the whole place smelled of cigarette smoke. And two minutes looking at the selection alerted me to the fact that there was NO ORGANIZATION WHAT SO FRIKKEN EVER!
It wasn't alphabetized. It wasn't arranged into genres. The ratings where all mixed together. The new releases were mixed in with the weekly. The R-RATED PORNO stuff wasn't separated from everything else, which I thought was a law here.
This might not sound so bad, but not only was it impossible to find everything, it meant you had things like Die Hard next to Disney next to Debbie Does Dallas. The kids stuff was mixed in with the violence and sex, and to find everything you had to look at EVERY FUCKING CASE.
When I went to the counter to ask about a few movies (because I sure as hell couldn't FIND them) I realized the store clerk spoke very little, heavily accented English. This normally wouldn't bother me, but considering you HAD to ask for stuff in this place (because as I said, you sure as hell couldn't FIND them) I'd of thought that would be kinda important.
Then he didn't know how to spell Macbeth and I gave up, took my one movie, and went home.
GAH.
That, and I've been trying to improve my comedic writing and this was practice I was in the mood for a movie, so I asked my grandmother to drive me to the DVD library. What should have been a ten minute trip turned into a tale of epic proportions!... for me, anyway, but then again I rarely leave my house...
Anyway, first things first: My grandmother is not the world's greatest driver. Kind of like how I, with my limp and chronic knee pain, am not the world's greatest long distance runner. So as we pulled up to the DVD library, I got to have this conversation:
GRANDMA: Which driveway do I turn into?
ME: The next one.
GRANDMA: Alright...
ME: NOT THAT ONE!
GRANDMA: Well, there are people behind me so I'll have to turn in-
ME: This isn't a driveway! It's a footpath! You're driving over a flowerbed!
GRANDMA: What?! No I'm not! Where's the flowerbed?
ME: Now? Right underneath me.
A few moments later we were over the flora and pulling into the carpark. Grandma instantly pulled up and parked, sparking THIS conversation:
ME: Grandma, this isn't a space.
GRANDMA: Isn't it?
ME: There are no lines on the road, and you're horizontal behind other cars.
GRANDMA: Oh, it's fine.
She got out of the car, took one look at the fact that she had boxed a couple of people in, turned to me and said:
GRANDMA: Go in, darling. I'm going to re-park the car.
So! I went inside, started looking around for the movies I wanted. Oooh, there's one!... all out. Damn. Oh well... there's another!... all out. DAMN. Where's that last one... non-existent. Damn.
Grandma offered to take me to another store, which I agreed to with some trepidation, and off we went.
Only to find out when we got there that it had shut down. Damn!
Grandma decided to go to the supermarket (which we could see was in the process of closing) and ask if they knew of another one. Fair enough, off she went. The guy with the trolleys was approaching, leading to this exchange:
TROLLEYGUY: Hey Lady! Store's closed!
GRANDMA: (Quietly) I know that.
TROLLEYGUY: (Didn't hear her) HEY LADY! STORE'S CLOSED!
GRANDMA: (Loudly) I KNOW that.
TROLLEYGUY: (STILL didn't hear her) HEY LADY! STORE'S CLO-
GRANDMA: I KNOW THAT YOUNG MAN!
ME: Hehehehehee...
Anyway, someone standing out the front gave us directions to another one. On the way, Grandma went to another supermarket and bought some delicious custard (gleee~). On the way out of the carpark, she was faced with two options: an exit that said 'Right Turn Only' and an exit that said 'Left Turn Only'. She heads out the 'Right Turn Only' and promptly turns LEFT.
ME: (Quietly) You are a menace to society.
GRANDMA: (is mostly deaf) What was that, dear?
ME: Nothing, Grandma!
We went to the other video store, nearly run into a curb on the way -
GRANDMA: Do you think I should pull in here?
ME: No! That's a curb. Emphatically no.
GRANDMA: Oh dear! That's a curb!
- and we went into the store.
OH. MY. DOG.
This place was insane. There was an enormous long haired black cat in the doorway. Now I'm not superstitious, but it made me nervous. Mostly because it looked like it could eat me. As I went in, I realized the whole place smelled of cigarette smoke. And two minutes looking at the selection alerted me to the fact that there was NO ORGANIZATION WHAT SO FRIKKEN EVER!
It wasn't alphabetized. It wasn't arranged into genres. The ratings where all mixed together. The new releases were mixed in with the weekly. The R-RATED PORNO stuff wasn't separated from everything else, which I thought was a law here.
This might not sound so bad, but not only was it impossible to find everything, it meant you had things like Die Hard next to Disney next to Debbie Does Dallas. The kids stuff was mixed in with the violence and sex, and to find everything you had to look at EVERY FUCKING CASE.
When I went to the counter to ask about a few movies (because I sure as hell couldn't FIND them) I realized the store clerk spoke very little, heavily accented English. This normally wouldn't bother me, but considering you HAD to ask for stuff in this place (because as I said, you sure as hell couldn't FIND them) I'd of thought that would be kinda important.
Then he didn't know how to spell Macbeth and I gave up, took my one movie, and went home.
GAH.
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