Need some Advice on dealing with the mentally ill

[Mr Slugger]

I honestly hate to air the dirty laundry, but I'm hoping that someone here may dealt with something similar and might know what to do.

My mother a couple of years ago started losing her grip on reality. We're pretty sure either she's over medicated or it's due to a stroke she had about 10 years ago. Basically she's not able to let things go, and to make matters worse she's not able to let things go that actually never happened as well. Like she's confusing people, tv events, etc. And it's building up inside of her, and she's lashing out at pretty much everyone with anything she can do. Hatefully letters, emails, calling the police on people. It started with my sister, then it moved onto some of her sisters, and then finally to us.

Now we've looked into getting her sectioned, but in all honestly the only way they can do it is if she's an immediate danger herself or others. So we were told to ignore her, which we have done now for about 6 months. However now she's "missing her grandkids/grandkid?" Depending on her mood because at times she only has one grandkid cause she's only seen the baby a few times. But anyway she's starting to attempt to stir up trouble in an effort to see the grandkids. We know she's going to call the cops as to what for I think it's because she sent a dvd to our house before and it got opened before it was found out to be hers, but it was eventually sent back, so she's going to try mail fraud or something. But again her mind is warped so it could be anything. But eventually we're concerned that if nothing works she'll call social services, which regardless they have to open cases. And not that we're bad parents, but it makes you look bad because they try to talk to everyone.

Anyone ever dealt with this? Any suggestions?

[AccountingDrone]

I haven't had my mum go totally crackers yet [she has alzheimers, and is a bit drifty but she is a pleasant fluffbrain, I understand sometimes demetia can take a nasty turn] but I have had a stalker and some of it applies ...


Document, document, document.

If she seems to be wanting to force seeing her grandkid, she may call child welfare or whatever it happens to be called down there .... she could try reporting for anything from unsafe environment up to child abuse. I did have a friend who had child welfare called on them as a harassment to get them to drop a court case. Her advice is to make sure that your house is as clean as humanly possible. She has 6 kids, and at the time they were all under 17 so it took some draconian work to accomplish [it is amazing how many clothes and toys they had to temporarily put into storage to make the place as clutterfree as possible!] Forwarn any people that interact with your kids that she may pull something like that. Randomly nannycamming can help also.

If she wants to try the mail fraud bit, the DVD company should have some record of the disc being returned. It would have been helpful if you had sent it back registered mail .... if you need to do anything involving mailing/shipping, make sure it is done return receipt requested if at all possible.

Claims of violence to her, try to see if you can have someone like an orderly, a neighbor, someone around when you visit as a witness. If she calls, try recording phone calls [heck, if you are good at it, you can tape physical visits, there are mp3 player/recorders out there, or a cheapie microcassette recorder can work.

[protege]

Damn, that sucks. I do know what it's like though.

My grandmother is dealing with Alzheimer's right now. She's not calling the cops on people, but she's pretty fucked up. She's 92, and failing

We had to put her in an assisted-living home, because it was getting too much to deal with. Because her eyesight is failing, she had to give up driving. Well, that and she had an accident. It wasn't completely her fault--she'd fallen in a parking lot, hit her head, and was trying to drive home. On the way, she got blood in her eyes, and hit a few parked cars Didn't hit anyone, but still.

She's pissed because she can't take care of herself, and resentful when others try to help her. She can't understand (or has forgotten) that she's taken care of *everyone*, friend and stranger alike, for the past 60-odd years. It's our turn to return the favor. Yet, if I tell her that, she gets upset.

Her mindset is actually shrinking. She'll spend hours asking the same questions over and over. When I'm with her, it usually goes like this:

"Are you dating?"
"Doesn't it rain easily?"
"What are your parents doing?"

Then after dinner, she mixes it up by adding "is this my place?" or "what are you doing after you drop me off?" No matter what I tell her, those questions keep coming. She can't remember the answers, yet she'll remember that my aunt called last week, or my uncle saw her yesterday

Trust me, it's pretty fucking annoying. It's gotten to the point that although I love my grandmother, I really hate going over there to see her. In fact, I lose the will to live soon after the questions start. I know she can't help it, but that doesn't change the annoyance level.

But, at least the 2am phone calls have stopped. She'd wake up in the middle of the night, and call either my mother, or me usually around 2am, or if she was feeling frisky, 3am and 4am as well. She'd simply forget that it was dark outside, and would call to ask where she was, or if someone was coming to see her. After a bit of this, my parents had all outgoing (i.e., outside line) calls from her room stopped. Now she can only call the front desk. And no, she wasn't happy about that.

Still, she's nowhere as bad as some of the other residents. One of her neighbors is certifiably crazy--she's said that the CIA has put her in the home more than once

[DGoddessChardonnay]

My mom's friend Penny is dealing with Alzheimer's as well and has been experiencing memory loss for quite a spell now.

In addition to the Alzheimer's, she's also dealing with breast cancer, her one kidney is slowly failing and she has blocked arteries in her neck, so she's basically living on borrowed time now. She's in her late 80's now, so undergoing any procedures to correct the clogged artieries is simply too risky - she also underwent surgery a few months ago but refused to stay in the hospital for a few days, so all the doctors could do was open her up, take out what they could and sew her back up. Anesthesia is also too risky due to the blockages, too.

But the Alzheimers is definitely progressing . . . Mom isn't able to go over to her house to visit due to the fact that she has steps but continues to refuse to install railings, so almost every day Mom talks to her by phone. And it's the same thing all the time lately . . . Penny can't quite remember what's she doing that day. Couple of weeks ago, Penny and her hubby and their daughter (who lives out of state and comes in as much as she can) were taking off to the family reunion on her hubby's side. Mom asked Penny where they were going, then Penny asked her hubby where they were going (while daughter was laughing about it - she's strange that way even though she has a MIL who is also dealing with Alzheimer's.) Hubby reminded her they were going to the family reunion.

Then recently also she had attended her BIL's funeral but kept referring to it as a wedding . . .now her mind has slipped back and she's thinking she's been off working all day with her hubby on their rental homes (she's not been able in the last 3 years to work on any of them without making herself so sick from the exertion that she ends up in bed for a few days.)

Their son is in the process of trying to get a house built for them on property he owns that's adjacent to his home (he also recently obtained POA and is now Executor of the estate, since his sis is out of state and Penny hates the SIL and doesn't want him getting his hands on the bulk of what she and her hubby have left.) But Penny keeps switching her mind back and forth on the matter. One day, it's she's not going and the next she's okay with it. All I can say is the son needs to ignore what his mom is saying and just get the damn house built before she gets any worse and his daddy ends up dropping dead from trying to take care of her basically by himself.

She's not even allowed to collect rent money for the houses now . . . her son took that over and all the renters have been informed that they are to contact him now for any issues pertaining to the rental houses. Up until recently, there were a couple of renters who still insisted on going out to Penny's house to take their rent payments. Penny is so scatterbrained she can't be trusted with money - she'll move it from one place to another and not remember where it is and then will accuse her hubby of taking it. Son nipped those two renters in the bud - he informed them both that if they continued to go to his mother's house any more, then they could be evicted. So far we haven't heard of any further issues on that.

But it's sad to see . . . she'll ask the same questions over and over again, too. She can't remember what Mom said five minutes earlier or she can't remember that she's already mentioned such-and-such. She also gets mad at her family easily and has threatened on more than one occasion that she's going to get out in the car and take herself to the store if hubby won't take her when she wants to go.

She's really to the point IMO where she needs 24/7 care. But her family has to make that call. And so far they haven't.

[BookstoreEscapee]

My best friend's grandmother had Alzheimer's...she died about 7-8 years ago; I didn't see her very often but I've known them since I was 2 years old. The last few times I saw her she knew that she knew me, but she couldn't remember my name. I was glad that my grandmother never went through that. She had plenty of physical ailments, but mentally she was definitely all there (which didn't necessarily stop her doctors and hospital/nursing home staff from directing all questions to my parents as if she couldn't answer them perfectly well herself - that was annoying. My dad would just turn to her pointedly and let her answer the question herself. Sometimes I would take her for an appointment and while I usually stayed in the waiting room sometimes I would help her into the exam room and sit with her if she was having a bad day for walking. If the doctor asked me a question, odds are I wouldn't be able to answer it anyway.)

[Geek King]

Mr. Slugger, you may want to look into having her legally declared mentaly incompetent so you can place her in an assisted living home. It is not a fun process, but it sounds like you need to consider it if she is losing her grip on what is real and not. I'm familiar with the symptoms you describe, and, if it progresses like the case I experienced, things will only get worse, including the person forgetting to eat unless prompted. I feel for you and your family, and will say a prayer for you.

[blas]

Is there any way you or one of your siblings could get a power of attorney over your mother?

Dealing with my Nana and my great aunt and uncle was just a nightmare. Nana went neglected for years, because they didn't want to put her in a home, and they kept firing all the nurse-maids they hired to care for her at home because they didn't want to pay them, so they'd make up BS reasons to fire them.

[protege]

Thought I'd mention this too. G, who has a power of attorney?

I'm asking, because if your situation is like mine, it'll save plenty of bullshit later. That is, my mother's two siblings (my uncle and aunt) don't want to deal with Grandma at all...unless there's some sort of fancy item or money involved. Rather than deal with that bullshit, my mother got a PoA to ensure that Grandma's best interests are taken care of.

Another thing that was done, is that when the farm was sold...the money from the sale was put into a trust. It's set up in such a way that it can only be used for my grandmother's care. Such care isn't cheap, but at least it's covered. If my aunt and uncle had gotten control of that, I'm sure it would have "disappeared"

[Mr Slugger]

The big problem is that she not "insane enough" to have someone in control of her. When all this stuff started she went into the hospital for a medical problem. While she was there they flagged her for an evaluation. I talked to the doctors, told them what was going on. But in the end while they agree she needs help she's still well enough mentally to decide whether she needs help for herself. Reality is slipping, but it only a couple of feet Like for example she started complaining that she wasn't in any pictures from christmas, yet she's in like 75% of the ones we've got, but she's not in any of the pictures that she see because the only ones she has are ones she took.

So since then we "backstabbed" her by telling her that she needed help. Needless to say because of that she changed all of her doctors, removed me from everything. We've tried a couple of route's so far the only one that might get her locked up is if she shows up at our house to see the kids, then we call the cops, and see if she goes into a breakdown or something.

Honestly Accounting Drone has some of it right I guess though. Because I do have to somewhat treat her as a stalker, until I get the right time to get her commited

[Sliceanddice]

ovedication dementia, im your girl!
Let me tell you what happened with my dad.

My Father has been Bi-Polar most of my life, and after he got oout of jail and was able to leave full time in his rented room, he stopped being able to monitor his pills currectly (he started blaiming his nice landy lady and man for things like theft) i tried to to help but he wouldnt allow me to.
Unlike most other times he didnt get abusive just... waked out forgetful, foggy, make up stuff you knowthe usual.
he went to the hosipital once or twice.

Until one day/evening he left the house in only his garmet, started smashing trash cans and got into and tried to start some poor ladys red car (his jeep was red)
so he was arrested and sent to mental hospital where his doctors where able to catch up his drug problems and he got a social worker. This was about two years ago.
he still had some problems and started being weened from his drug monitoring program awhen a year ago he ODed on his drugs again and i had to drive down there and call the cops. he was in the hospital most of the day.
now its because prefectly clear to his doctors and caseworker that while he can live 75% indepentant he can not hold down a job, hes tried for the last three years and he just cant handle it, its why he was on disability in the first place. He cant handle the pressure of a job and take care of his mental facitultys. he would work him self to death, he almost was hospitalized for a shingles e coli and soemthing else and still tried to work; he also can not maintain his own medication. he'll fall asleep wake up two three hours later think he forgot his pills and pop another one and do the for 48 hours straight if he has to.

all you can do now is wait and see what happend eventually she will do something that the social workers and cops will have to step in for, even if its harrassment.

[saint]

This really doesnt sound like alzhiemers. Most people suffering from alzhiemers dont have the capacity to be vindictive. Attempting to get you in trouble for a secondary agenda is too complicated for them. Talk to your local police and law enforcement to let them know that she may attempt to cause problems. Try establishing clear boundaries with her. If you want X then you can (not) do Y. Also, arguing with her perception of reality wastes time and only frustrates the both of you. instead of trying to "talk sense" to her about the Xmas pics, say something like "Your right, we seemed to have missed you a lot last year. this year we will have to make sure we get some with you in it!" You can also at that point attemp to redirect the conversation to more positive notes. "wow! is that a new shirt? It looks really nice on you. Did you get that at X store?" and so on. The same works for any sort of delusion. Their minds not working like ours does, and agreeing and making her feel important and included can go a long way in diffusing the situation.

"Actually, Mom, now that you mention it, I did get some of your mail at my house last week. I opened it without knowing it was for you. I'm sorry about that, I'll be more careful next time." ect ect.


If you need someone to talk with, just PM me.
I'm a caregiver in an Alzhimers/demetia care unit, and if nothing else may have ideas to help make both your lives easier.
And that goes for anyone else here. I have a fair deal of experience with dealing with behaviors, some meds, and general care.
So let me know if I can help