Parent's aging and all that good crap...

[lush]

I haven't been sleeping well, tonight I think I'm just awake still because I agreed to let my teen have a sleep over, I finally felt safe (they are good kids...really) heading to bed, and I'm still awake..so, forgive me while I ramble..

Thursday night I spoke at length with my dad's PCP. There is no going home for him, they're not thinking hospice just yet, but long term care facility. He's not going to recover, it's just a matter of time. I go thru this "I'm ok, I respect his wishes" to "I don't want to lose my daddy". On the outside I seem so heartless and not upset, inside I'm dying with him.

When the hospital asked him about a living will I sat there and told him it was his decision fully to make and I'd respect whatever he decided. I feel heartless about that, but then I know I do have an agreement that if I'm there I want to be let go. He signed a DNR..he cried, I've never seen my dad cry.

My mother (in ill health as well) has decided to get lawyers involved, because she cannot live her life style without my dad's money..so she wants to stop his DNR and living will. From what I was told, his will leaves everything to me. I don't want it, I'd rather stay poor and happy. I feel for her that she cannot see what she's doing, as I cannot fathom making someone suffer for my own personal gain.. When I spoke with her daughter about it, she reminded me we've been thru her greed before with my step-grandfather.

I also had to file a police report on the nursing home he was in, as he told me (he's in the hospital right now with total renal failure [he's refusing dialysis] and MRSA) that when he was in the home, a nurse punched him.. The officer that took my complaint did call me to tell me he spoke with my dad and let me know he was on his way to charge the nurse.. I want to deck her so badly, my dad is 71 years old and she hit him..but I'm letting the police handle it. It's probably good he didn't tell me when he was still there. He won't be going back, I have to find a new nursing home for him and this is going to be in my head while I try to find one.

I did let his PCP know my mom was trying to bring him home and is not able to care for him, and that was a concern, his PCP has known me since I was 5, he's at least on my side. It's just such a mess..

[BlaqueKatt]

first *hugs*(that's the most important part)
Second-you may feel "heartless" but it takes more to be strong than to just breakdown and cry. And that's probably what he needs right now.

third I'd talk to your father(if you feel up to it),and a lawyer about the will-as I know in my state as long as someone gets $5 they cannot contest it-maybe your area has something similar?- Though money is not your concern, it is apparently your father's wishes that you get everything, he worked hard to get what he has and more than likely wants it to go where it'll do the most good, and from your brief history in your post-he knows that's with you.

fourth-maybe see about being made your father's guardian or getting medical power of attorney*-as it seems you have his best interests at heart(respecting his wishes), and your mother does not.

I have medical power of attorney over my mother-it was simply signing some forms in the hospital-most hospitals have the forms on hand, and it usually cannot be contested. It was only invoked once, and though my mother was not in her right mind(heart attack+defibrillator=brain scramble), I made the decision she would've, and she later thanked me for being strong enough to do what had to be done, as my sister couldn't.

My sister goes to pieces when anything she doesn't like happens, I'm the one that respects our mother's wishes(my sis would rather our mom live forever hooked to machines so she can play martyr-mom does not want that), the doctors refused to sign the MPOA form unless it was being given to me.

*medical power of attorney only gives you the ability to make medical decisions in the event that the patient cannot articulate their own decisions, or are in a state that they do not understand what is going on-it "trumps" next of kin as it's a decision made prior by the patient(and usually their physician).

having to make decisions like this are never easy, but sometimes it has to be done.

[Food Lady]

You're keeping his best interests in mind. That's the most loving thing you can do. Love's not a warm fuzzy feeling. It's a decision & an action. You're doing great.

[lush]

BK, thanks, the doctor did put a note on his chart to call me before anything is done or not done, and they've been sticking to it.