Apparently deaths do come in threes...

[lupo pazzesco]

As we're all aware by now, I'm sure, I lost my grandfather in March. My uncle then passed a few weeks ago. We had our third in the family last night. One of my younger, distant cousins was found dead.

Now, I haven't seen this cousin in years, almost 10, I think. And it's a branch of the family I don't communicate with very often, since they live in a different state, and the mother is military, so they get moved around a lot. So, I didn't know alot about this cousin in the first place. Turns out he's been in a lot of trouble with cops, and drugs. They suspect he died from an overdose, but we won't know until the autopsy results are in. This has led to some of the more harpy like relations I know of to speculate on what an idiot he was, and how he was trouble. I agree to a point. The drugs, and the lawbreaking weren't very smart, but to make it sound like he had it coming, or it's better off that he OD'd? Meh. Yes, I'm partly upset that he went down such a stupid path despite knowing better and showing such promise when he was younger, but I also know that it's a slippery slope, and one not easy to climb, so I can't let anger be the sole emotion. More it's sadness at the loss and the promise.

I guess I'm just rambling to get this out because, while I'm sad he's died and I'm concerned for my godmother, (it was her grandson). I'm more frustrated and upset at the fact that it's yet another slap at my family when we've already been through so much this year. I can sometimes swear I feel like the support beams are buckling and we're all going to come crashing down. I honestly don't know how much longer I can bear up under everything that's going on. It's hard. Really, really hard.

I'm alternating between being super depressed and weepy right now, and trying to convince myself that as nice as it sounds, slipping into a state of utter apathy isn't the answer for me. Feeling, no matter how difficult or painful, is better than being completely unaffected by anything, right? Cliche as it is, feeling is living, right?

I guess I'm just getting caught up in the maelstrom that has become my life. Maybe this is me whining and being overdramatic, but I just feel like I've pissed off some greater power in the universe, either in this life or a past one, and I'm reaping the punishment in the year 2009. I've tried to convince myself that as bad as things are now, that's only as good as they'll get, perhaps better, because it's all a system of balances, and people aren't given more than they can handle, no matter what path you might ascribe to. It's difficult though, when you feel as though you've carved out a small victory, only to be slapped in the face the next day with one more tragedy or mishap.

I just don't know what to do right now, and I'm in a strange state of limbo. Things don't seem to matter as much, and I'm petrified that means I'm slipping into that apathy I'm trying to avoid. I want to tell myself this is being brought on by the hormonal mess that is my monthly time, but I just feel that I've been in this distraught state more often than not lately.

In summation, I'm a mess. And I think I needed to get that out. I do apologize for the melancholic drivel, though, and thanks for sticking with it, if you've made it this far. I think I need to go have another good cry. Either that or a really stiff drink...

[SG15Z]

aw Lupo. Here yu can have my drink!

[MannersMakethMan]

I really am sorry to hear of your loss. Once again, it seems the fates have dished out a blow to someone who doesn't deserve it.

There isn't really a normal way to feel. Do whatever you need to - cry, talk, or beat the stuffing out of a bear. Maybe all three. You don't need to apologise for trying to make sense of the nonsensical, and you're certainly not being melodramatic. You're just trying to deal with things, and if there's anything anyone can do to help, you just name it.

[AccountingDrone]

Trying to make sense is part of the greiving process....

And anyway, ignore the more harpyish ones ... it is perfectly fine to remember your cousin as someone who made a few mistakes in their life and is not a bad person. *Everybody* makes mistakes - and they could have cleaned up if they survived. Remember your cousin fondly by picking some memory from childhood before the troubles started, and ignore the nasty relatives.

You do not have to justify how you feel about your cousin to *anybody*. Remember, you can always come to CS to vent.

[Aethian]

*offers snugs*

[lupo pazzesco]

Thanks, y'all. It's just overwhelming, to have this happen combined with everything that's been going on. It's like a nonstop cycle. 2009 didn't start off really well and has only proceeded to go downhill from there. And everytime I think I've crawled or clawed my way back up to where it's more bearable, something else happens.

It's hard, and I know that I have entirely too many high expectations on myself to essentially just suck it up and deal with it. I wouldn't expect others to deal as well if they were in my position, yet I demand that of myself. Can't explain why, just the way I am, you know?

Still no word on official cause of death. It's another funeral I won't be able to go to, due to financial difficulties (which is an entirely different kettle of fish. My savings are completely gone, thanks to every little debacle since January. bleh on that, but keep on truckin'!!)

I spent this morning meditating before doing laundry, and I'm about to go indulge myself in purely female pampering. Planning on coloring my hair and having a psuedo spa day. If nothing else, it should relax me enough to be able to sleep tonight so I can face work in the morning.

here's to no more tragic phone calls during my workday. But we shall see.