F**k it all!!! (ranty)

[Caveat Emptor]

I am a hair's breadth from giving up on finding a girl. Screw it. I have my eharmony and match.com accounts but only until they run out because I cancelled them. I would get into a good rapport with a girl online, I would think we have a lot in common....then I release my picture to her.

<crickets crickets crickets>

I would get to know someone through a group or work, then ask her to join me for coffee...

"You're sweet, but I'm just not interested in you that way."

Right now I have a mixture of depression and seething inside. I feel I have one final option -www.lotsofevents.com- and if that doesn't work by this time next year, I'm going to give up for good and die alone.

[blas]

Hey, calm down there.

So a girl on a dating site said she wasn't interested in you. It's not the end of the world.

Maybe you should take a break from those sites, quit using ones that require you to pay for them (because really, should falling in love require your VISA card #?) and try not to take feedback too seriously.

I don't want to sound abrasive, but if you can't handle rejection online, what will you do if you ever get rejected at a bar or other gathering place?

[Caveat Emptor]

It's not that I can't take rejection, but it wasn't just one girl, it was practically every one. Yes, it's true that sometimes I would get to a few dates but nothing beyond that. I guess I have trouble being romantically intimate, but on the other hand if I would find someone that after a few dates I felt I could develop feelings for, it was not mutual. I just can't find anyone who "likes me for me" and I feel if I have to change myself too much for a girl to like me, it's simply not worth it. I think I'm a nice guy, but I guess that's the reason why no one is interested because women are simply not interested in "nice."

I don't like to drink and loathe the "cattle call" atmosphere of singles bars. Up to two months ago I had my picture hidden on eharmony, would receive several interests a month Almost invariably the girl would pull a disappearing act as soon as I released my picture, so I decided make my picture visible all the time.

The interest notices dropped by 95%.

[TTAZ]

You sound like you've gotten as bitter and frustrated as I have. There should be a dating site for the bitter. A place that caters to the ones who have been fucked over and doesn't allow public pictures. That way, anybody just interested in eye candy won't be sticking around, and without the pressure of "will he/she think I'm a troll" maybe quite a few folks would relax more and not get so frustrated. If the interest dwindles you know it's because of just not meshing and not because you're too fat/thin/ugly/hairy etc.

what to call it though? personalityfirst.com? flyingblind.com?

Oh, and it will not charge a cent. Blas is right. Love brought to you by Visa/MC? Pfft.

[AdminAssistant]

I've done online dating for a while now, and it's painstakingly slow. However, I met one SO (known on here as BoyThing). We dated for about 6 months and are still friends. Since then, I've met a few people for coffee, and have been keeping up correspondence with a few people. I met BT on mingle2, but now I use OkCupid. Some like it, some don't. One of the keys is finding a site that works for you. One of my colleagues met a great guy on Yahoo's site. I would stick with the free sites, but for some, match or eharmony might work.

As far as pictures go, look, physical attraction is part of it. I know one of the reasons I don't get a ton of messages is because of my size. I'm a size 16, I know it, and I know that tends to not be on a lot of guys' wishlists. I still post my pics, and I post ones that are the most flattering to me. I still do get some messages, and I know those who message me have seen me and are okay with my physical appearance.

The thing is, it just takes time. You have to be patient. And really, you kind of have to be okay with being single. Otherwise, you can give out this kind of desperate vibe that is not attractive.

[Caveat Emptor]

What finally set me off was that girl in Texas I had posted previous messages about. I decided I had to face reality and asked her whether she would ever be interested in starting anything. She responded "I'm not interested." I realized that she is in Texas, but honestly thought that we could use the Internet and occasional visits to at least give it a try because as the saying goes "there's no harm in trying." In addition, I thought there was a strong possibility that her post-Army job search would bring her up here where we could work from that foundation that had been started. I guess I was wrong, nobody ever wants to give anything a try even when it involves little more than the occasional email, Skype, IM chat or even a dinner or coffee that they wouldn't have to pay for. All I propose sometimes is to have a girl meet me for coffee or dinner and perhaps a movie, but no, even getting something for free and having a possible good time (horror of horrors!!!) with no further obligations if she decides not to continue beyond that is apparently "too much" to even consider.

[AdminAssistant]

This may sound harsh, but:

You put your colleague in Texas in a bad position. I can't speak for her, but I know that I would not be comfortable with starting a relationship with someone in my company and I'm personally not all that interested in dating long distance. Sometimes long distance can work (as McGoddess, Plaid, and Jester can attest to) but it isn't for everyone. It isn't for me, and it might not be for her either.

You forced her hand, and she gave you the answer. What you've got to do is get all the bitterness out of your system (hey, that's what we're here for! ) and then go back to looking with a fresh hope. As long as you're carrying this burden of, "All women hate me, women suck, no woman wants a nice guy, no woman will give me a chance"...it's not going to work out for you. First off, all that is bullshit, you know it, and I know it. Get it out of your system and get back out there. And while you're at it...enjoy being single! It has its advantages. And, trust me, I know how frustrating it is when it seems like all of your friends are married or dating, and I get lonely sometimes. But, I also enjoy being single now. I spent so many years just being bitter, instead of actually enjoying my life.

[Sheldonrs]

It took me 40 years to start so you still have time left to try.

Have you tried actual social clubs like churches, travel groups, etc.?

If not, look for some in your area. Maybe a bowling league or something like that.

If none of that sounds like it would work for you, try going gay. When i came out, girls that wouldn't think of speaking to me before were suddenly sitting in my lap. lol!!!

[ditchdj]

Funny that I tried lots of dating methods and wasn't successful. Then I was just in a chat room not looking and just stumbled upon some girl that wanted to talk to someone so I did. And now we've been together nine years and have been married for six.

What's odd is that we have almost nothing in common either. We only share the same basic desires of wanting to be with someone. That's the main bond because we dont like each other's tastes of music, movies, or activities, but we just overlook all that.

[Rapscallion]

I would get to know someone through a group or work, then ask her to join me for coffee...

"You're sweet, but I'm just not interested in you that way."

Got to admire you - there's a lot of blokes out there who don't have the guts to ask a woman out.

Think on that for a while. Then look at some of the rather ugly chaps around who are in relationships.

In the meantime, folks, just look for ways he can avoid the 'Friend Zone'. That seems to be the problem here.

Rapscallion

[Caveat Emptor]

Got to admire you - there's a lot of blokes out there who don't have the guts to ask a woman out.

Think on that for a while. Then look at some of the rather ugly chaps around who are in relationships.

In the meantime, folks, just look for ways he can avoid the 'Friend Zone'. That seems to be the problem here.

Rapscallion

I can't win...if I don't get to know someone before asking I'm too aggressive and scare women off, but if I take it slow I enter the "friend zone!!!!" GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

[BarbieGirl]

Get in the friend zone with a bunch of women, it's ok. Then when you're good friends with someone ask them to set you up with someone they know, for a blind date or a double date or something. The more women friends you have means more opportunities of them possibly knowing someone that would be good for you.

[the_std]

You put your colleague in Texas in a bad position. You forced her hand, and she gave you the answer.

This is what you should learn from this situation. When you ask a "yes or no" question, you will either get a yes or a no. You put her on the spot and forced her to choose when she barely knows you and doesn't live where you live. Based on those two things alone, I'd have said no too. You could be the nicest, greatest guy in the world and I probably still would have said no because I had no real way of knowing.

In a situation such as that one, the better course of action would have been to just take it as it came. Hang out with her (you said you were planning on being in Texas anyways?), be around and take it from there. Sometimes you just have to risk the friend zone to get anywhere. But, by essentially saying, "choose now", she doesn't have the option of getting to know you and seeing a person she might like to start a relationship with.

There is no easy answer to any question regarding love. All you can do is learn from your past mistakes and realize that women are individuals. Nothing works on all of us and it is a very rare thing that works on most of us. You've just gotta take it as it comes and make it up as you go along.

[Caveat Emptor]

I asked if things were "normal" would she have agreed to my proposal to get to know each other. I didn't say "do you like me or not???" I simply wanted to cut to the chase and confirm that if things were even, would she have agreed and she said "I'm not interested."

[Der Cute]

Dude,

She could have said no for a bunch of reasons.

1. Is going to school on the side
2. Is lesbian
3. Is raising 3 kids
4. Has no interest in dating any human at the moment


You cannot say "This one rejection equals death". You're going to extreme absolutes here, from what I'm reading in your posts.

IMO - if I was the woman on the receiving end, I'd be a bit creeped out. I DO NOT like men sending me emails and asking if I'd have time for them. When all I spent was 5 hours with them. That, to me, is like asking for a commitment! (of any sorts!). No. Nada.

I'm the sort of chica who likes to control who/what sees me in life. Nobody asked me out for...oh, 5 years. This is because I had a large neon sign over my head "Not interested in males or females. Come back later." Although I was single, had no man in my life at the time, I didn't want one. When I was ready and willing to devote time to another person besides myself, the sign changed. And even though it said "Taking applications", I didn't get any bites.

So I said, F-this and went out to an online place, and answered ads. And found my current BF. After about..oh, 10 guys being "interested" in me, starting an email chat, and then seeing a picture of me, and saying "Oh, not interested now".
I'm not skinny. I'm not tall. I don't have big boobs. I DO have humor, brains, and education. And my scope was looking for guys close or above my age with humor, brains, edu...I still got dissed. Often. Oh well.

All I did was say, Your loss, dimwit, and keep looking.


I had to harden my skin a bit. I had to be willing to hear No. It's a lot like job interviews. You have to throw out a LOT of apps before you get bites, and half of those bites will say thanks but no thanks. You have to be WILLING to accept rejection. It's part of the whole game.

Now, I remember many moons ago a guy approached me at the coffee counter. He came over for about a week total for coffee. He and I chatted, he was very nice. He was also 3x my size -not fat/flubby, just BIG. (kinda turn off for me) and he also had just gotten out of prison (yeah, downer here too). But he was trying to get an education, he was working on his computer skills, and he had a job! (points!). He asked me for my phone number. I said, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested at this time." He was a bit bummed, but he still came back for coffee, and actually was a lead in for a client I later had.

What's the difference? He was a good sport about it all. He took the rejection well. He didn't pout and whine and kvetch...he said OK, and still took my advice about computers and such. It could be also that I was gentle and didn't yell ASSHOLE at him .

Dude...it happens to everyone. EVERYONE. We're here for hugs and help, but don't let this get you too far down.

Cutenoob