grandparents

[Der Cute]

Ugh.

Long story, get your popcorn/snacks.

OK. My grandparents are paternal side only. They are now in their 80's, I believe Grandpa is 88 and Gramma is around 85. Grandpa is starting dementia, general memory loss and just...losing a few marbles. Slow physical movement, shuffling feet, bent over, neck pointing around 2 o'clock. Not in the best shape. Gramma's pretty close to that. She's got diabetes, (had for a year plus) and has purpley swollen ankles, is at least 40 # overweight (tummy weight) and is a slow speaker also. Not as slow as Grampa is.

I found this out a few days ago.

I have lived in AK and WA, away from the relatives for a long long time. I went to OR for a visit to some other friends and stopped by G & G's place. For the first time in about 15 years. I haven't been in touch with them, because, well, Grampa can be a real control freak and just picky as heck, while Gramma is great at heckling and yelling at you. Just really hard to be around them - as a kid!
But from Dad, I know they're in declining health....so I went to see them.

OMG.

The home they're living in is ......unbearable.
I went in for a visit, and felt sick when I walked in. The stench of urine and ammonia is THICK. The front door is blocked off by baby gates outside the door (a small yip yip dog lives with them). I got into the front foyer, and was ...ill. The ammonia smell. Ripped carpet, unfinished floors. Crud - clothing, boxes, stuff....unorganized and thrown around the front room.

I got to the dining room, and was dismayed by the table's being covered by 2/3 of just...junky stuff. Unidentifiable stuff. Pill bottles, yes, but also ...clothing? Boxes? I couldn't tell. Kitchen, adjacent, was OK - floor not clean (I don't think they can bend) and kitchen island covered with stuff.

Grampa had a sammich ready for himself, and opened a bottle of juice for Gramma. He's able to pour it, not bad muscle control, but just...wow.

The living room where they sit is relatively clean. But I can see a dirt trail from the side door to the chair where someone sits.

My thing is - I've told my dad, who's the eldest...living in another state..not OR. The other 3 kids, my uncles....live in the state, even within 20 mi of my grandparents. Is this ...acceptable ....to have this home like this?

I couldn't live like that ...as a functional adult. But as a semi-functional adult, I would still be kind of icked out by it all. Isn't something supposed to happen - someone supposed to help? I'm kind of po'd at my dad - even though he's in a different state - that this squalor is happening.

Any thoughts?
Cutenoob

[Red_Dazes]

You should notify the state health department. If i'm not mistaken there are LOTS of laws regarding the upkeep and sanitation of retirement homes or assisted living places. They could get slapped with some ugly fines for keeping it gross.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Looks like it's time to get the family together for The Meeting. Sounds like they need to be in assisted living or have a nurse or assistant stay with them.

We had to do that with my nanna...she now has a live in nurse. I am the one cleaning my inlaws place...they are not nearly so bad off, they just need a little help. But when family members start getting like this, you really do have to be attentive. If their home looks like this, their personal hygene and eating habits are probably in dire straits as well.

Good luck with it, I know it is not an easy situation.

[Aethian]

Looks like it's time to get the family together for The Meeting. Sounds like they need to be in assisted living or have a nurse or assistant stay with them.

Ditto ditto ditto.

[protege]

It's good that someone is getting involved...

Not to derail the thread, but I knew someone who lived like that. In fact, he was on my paper route. Nice guy, but he and his daughter were a bit...fucked up. Odd that the son seemed "normal."

From what I understand, the wife was killed in an auto accident, and he snapped. That's when he lost his job, the house fell into disrepair, and the junk cars started showing up. Not long after that, the daughter (who I knew from school--she seemed OK then) had a breakdown...and later became known as "the crazy cat lady." Seriously, she had about 40 cats, a pair of dogs, a horse (which lived in a converted school bus in the backyard), and some birds kept in a cage...which was kept inside a 1970s Chrysler up on blocks.

Eventually, the health department took care of things--the junk cars were cleared, the school bus hauled out, and IIRC, most of the animals were put to sleep. Unfortunate, but most were barely alive to begin with. You still can't see the house from the street, but at least it no longer smells like raw sewage during the summer

It's unfortunate that things had to get that bad before someone did something. Also unfortunate, that the guy and his daughter didn't get the help they needed. Last I heard, he had died, and she'd attempted suicide. I think the son still lives there, and is slowly improving the house--he's got a crapload of work ahead of him.

[BookstoreEscapee]

The state should have some kind of elder-services division. You can contact them and they can check out the situation, especially if there is no family nearby. At the very least it sounds like they need someone in to clean, and possibly a nurse to make sure they are capable of keeping up with their medications and whatnot.

[Der Cute]

BSE thanks for the info, but since my dad and his brothers are still alive, it's more on their head(s) to deal with this.

I was just shocked and saddened by the mess, but I've lit a small fire under my Dad's behind, and so this will be taken care of. I have to literally tell myself to not pester my dad or the uncles about it, since I'm really not responsible for the care. I mean - even tho the ideas are great, I can't tell Dad what to do/where to go with this.

Supposedly one person of the family is responsible for the caretaking - but one isn't enough for what needs to be done. I don't know what my dad will do about it, but I have to let him and uncles deal - I can watch and learn only.

Just crossing fingers that the mess gets dealt with in whole quickly and efficiently - and with dignity.

Cutenoob

[Aethian]

Not to sound mean or rude but... Why aren't you responsible? Your blood family to them aren't you? The previous generation has failed to take care of the grandparents. You've noticed something wrong and want to fix it, insted of passing the buck why haven't you personally called around to find out about an assistent or what the state can do for them.

Those who do nothing when noting the problem are just as quilty of those who don't take care of the problem when notified of the problem.

[Der Cute]

Aethian:
Because if I went over my uncles/dad's head and took all this into my own hands, I'd have a war going on. I'd piss off more people than I'd know what to do with!
As I said in my original post, I haven't had contact with these Grandparents for over 15 years - I just popped by to visit them. All of my uncles and dad have had more recent, often contact - for pete's sakes, 3 of them live within a half hour of the G's.

I live in WA state, these people are in OR. And one of my uncles is the caretaker- aka money and POA given to him by the G's. How would I go about finding his place of residence, walking in and saying, "Dude, you suck at this caretaking shit. Gimme the paperwork and let me fix it all" No...I don't think so. This is between all the guys in the generation above me.

Cutenoob

[Amina516]

I live in WA state, these people are in OR. And one of my uncles is the caretaker- aka money and POA given to him by the G's. How would I go about finding his place of residence, walking in and saying, "Dude, you suck at this caretaking shit. Gimme the paperwork and let me fix it all" No...I don't think so. This is between all the guys in the generation above me.

Cutenoob

I slightly agree with you. It should be your parents and uncles and etc taking care of this. Esp. if one uncle is POA and all..but DO NOT ignore this just b/c you dont bear any direct/legal responsibility. It is obvious that your Gparents can no longer take care of them selves. It almost sounds as if your grandpas got parkinsons too btw. PLEASE PLEASE dont push this off on others thinking itll get done. You can just as easily call the OR office of aging from WA. They need attention, whether its assisted living or a live in caretaker, dont let them spend the last years of their lives in such filth and squallor.

Its also a health hazard and a fire hazard to boot.

Dont mean to come off as harsh and im sorry if i do. Ive seen too many people have bad outcomes from situations like these. :/

[Der Cute]

Amina - I dont mind - I agree that Fire Hazard, Health Hazard and Icky General are all issues to work on.

Right now, my dad is the one who's going to go to Other Uncle and get the POA paperwork and have all guys in that generation pore over it and get a good grip on it.
I would kind of like to help, but apprehension is rampant in me - I do not want to overstep boundaries here, and stick my nose in stuff, and be a general Buttinsky.

What would you suggest that I can do that would not piss anyone off? If I call OR state and report this mess, it'll open a can of worms. If I call Dad and pester him about this, I'll get yelled at. I think the only thing I could do is go visit them next time I go to OR. At least spend time with them and chat a little bit.

BTW, Amina, how do you suspect Parkinson's? What gives you that clue? (one other uncle I have actually has PLS, an offshoot of ALS. Neuro runs in the family!)

Cutenoot

[Amina516]

What you said here in your first post:

Slow physical movement, shuffling feet, bent over, neck pointing around 2 o'clock. Not in the best shape.

These are some hallmark signs of parkinsons to me (not just old people-itis) . But of course, not a doc, so Im probably wrong.

If you want, you can call the office of aging anonymously, yes, it will open a can of worms and maybe subsequently, a can of whoop ass lol, but i think its something that needs to be done if your dad and uncle dont get their arses moving SOONER than later. It may be that no matter what their home looks like your dad and uncles may be in denial that their parents are no longer what they used to be. Or the Gparents may be fully aware, if notfully into dementia land which is another story, and just too proud to ask for help. Either way the situation should be helped, better by someone close to the family than the government imo.

I know this is a hard situation, but light a fire under them or have someone do it for them aka Office of Aging.