I dont know what to do...:(

[Amina516]

So, Im having kid issues....

This is hard for me to come out and look for advice, as I usually try to keep issues in the family..but im up to my neck with my son and am actually scared for the future.

My sons a good student, smart in the gifted program at school. Hes 9 years old in 4th grade.

Anywho, about 3 weeks ago, he did something that got him grounded for a month without video games ( i dont remember what it was). IF you know anything about most kids now a days, its that video games are dominant (They wouldnt be if Id had my way, but my hubby being a gamer, it was hard to tell him he couldnt play games at all.)

So, back to the story, he just walks around mopey all the time (this is also before the grounding). and i mean ALL THE TIME. He doesnt smile. You try to joke with him, he just looks at you like youre crazy. He has told me in the past that he wants to live with grandma and grandpa in Florida (GMa and GPa, have no rules and spoil him rotten..but I dont blame them for this totally) Hes already been told no and why not (We live in Pennsylvania and we're able to care for him, so we do)

Tonight, he asks if he can have some cereal before bed. I say of course...he looks and sees theres no clean spoons, so he changes his mind and wants toast. I tell him to go ahead and wash a spoon if he wants cereal. Then i do a little tickle and say something funny and he just looks at me dead eye.

Im like "Hello? Whats wrong? Why are you so mopey? Be glad youre alive, we live in a beautiful world and we can do lots of things."

HE just gives me this look..and says "Id rather be dead.."


Hello? Id rather be dead from a 9 yr old? SO I ask, "Why? Whats wrong?"

His response "Id rather be dead because I cant play video games."

Well, ladies and gentlemen, if youve read this far, im ashamed to say....I lost it. I cant quite explain what i said...but I will say, that I went through hell and high water just to be able to give birth to this child at the age of 16. Fighting off people that insisted on abortion and etc...So, I admittedly lost it. I said some things you probably shouldnt say to a 9 yr old, pulled him over to his father and walked away.

I dont know what to do anymore. Hes miserable...and it hurts to see him like this. I want to see him running around with the neighbor kids, riding bike and playing with is sister...but he just wont.

I dont know what to do.

Im scared for his future..and mine.

[Barracuda]

Not a psychiatrist, but if he was doing this BEFORE the grounding.....it sounds like he may be suffering from depression (lack of energy, listless, feels life is worthless.) I would seriously consider taking him to a shrink, or if you can't afford one, at least to the doctor for a checkup. Doctors can also prescribe antidepressants if necessary (might need just a change in diet, exercise, etc. to feel better.) Again, not a doctor, but it sounds like depression. to me.

[MaggieTheCat]

I don't have kids, so take my advice however you will.

Have you talked to his teachers or councilors at school to see if there's anything bothering him there? Short of that, I agree with Barracuda, take him to a dr. for a checkup and then if everything checks out normal, a psychiatrist to see if he's suffering depression or anything else (bi-polar, maybe? Not entirely sure what those symptoms can be.)

Also, please don't take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to be rude...and I'm not saying that giving him back his video games or un-grounding him is the answer here. But, I have to ask, if you don't remember what you grounded him for, was it really worth grounding him so long in the first place?

[Nurian]

Get him to a doctor. Seriously. He needs more help than what you can provide on your own.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Yeah, if the kid was moping around before he got grounded, I'd guess either something's bothering him at school or he's suffering from depression or something. The video games may just be what he tells you because he doesn't want to tell you the real reason.

[SteverinoNY]

Not a Doctor, but Here we Go

I am saying that your son knows he his upset, but he really does not know the true reason that he is upset. I would see if you can set up a meeting with his teachers to see if he is acting any differently in school. I am sorry that your son is going through this and that he feels like he wants to no longer be alive. That can be something that is very troubling as a parent to hear your child, especially one so young, say. My advice would be to meet with his teacher or teachers and the school counselor (if there is one) to seek their guidance first, but I also recommend taking your son to his doctor to see what they can recommend or if they can refer you to someone.

Do not beat yourself up because you reacted in a way that you do not like towards your son. Hearing that he would rather be dead is something that is very troubling for a parent, especially a young one like yourself. I would maybe go to talk to someone yourself. It's not bad at all to have that kind of reaction, but I would suggest that you seek some help for yourself. Being a parent is not easy, and you need to lean on people who do care about you and your family. There is help out there for you.

I can PM you some resources that may be of assistance to you in your area. Let me know *hug*

[Amina516]

To Maggie the Cat: His father grounded him, so I dont remember exactly what it was. I think it was something like not doing chores or something. The reason he gets grounded sans videogames is b/c that seems to affect him the most. I guess its not worth it though, youre right.

To Barracuda: I dont like the idea of antidepressants for a 9 yr old. Especially my 9 yr old..

I will definately be taking him to a doctor...I just dont know. I guess i never thought of him as being depressed, not sure why, b/c when i type it out, its very apparent even to me at this point.

Im not too familiar with this realm(psych stuff). Im a nurse and all, but I hated the psych part of my schooling and forgot it all as soon as I could.

I talked to my son after the fact and he apologized for hurting my feelings. He said he could tell from the tone of my voice that he hurt me.

Thanks, Steve.

Youre the bestest.

I actually have to make an appt to see his Gifted teacher for reasons unrelated, so maybe I can get the school psychologist to swing by there at some point.

[SteverinoNY]

My pleasure...no one said parenting was easy. I mean you dont give birth to an instruction manual along with the baby. Parenting is definitely learning on the fly and you are doing the best job you can. I am always here for you when you need me.

You are a good mother and you do have a good son!

[BookstoreEscapee]

I think the advice given so far is good...start with the school (who else sees him as much on a regular basis than his teacher) and a checkup with his doctor.

As for anti-depressants, that is not something you should jump to right off the bat. Anti-depressants and children is a mix you want to be very careful with. I wouldn't go that route without at least a psychiatrist who has lots of experience with children and psychiatric drugs (not just his pediatrician). (Coming from some who has recently gotten off such drugs and did a lot of reading in preparation for withdrawal. It's scary stuff. Not sure I would have taken them if I had done the reading beforehand.)

That said, I remember saying "I wish I was dead" once when I was about 12. I'm sure I scared the hell out of my parents (especially my dad, who has had his own issues with depression and anxiety, which I learned when I was 23 and started having serious problems with those things myself)...

[Aethian]

If a reason can't be remembered then the punishment is to long. At least thats what Mom says.

I say, the kid is in a different grade with peers above his age group. Is he making friends with the older peers and if he hasn't talked about any of them perhaps the preasure of high level schooling is too much with no one (peer) to rely on. Maybe ask him about his classes and class mates, might be your in right there.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I say, the kid is in a different grade with peers above his age group.

I turned 9 in fourth grade; I was born on the cutoff date, so I was pretty much the youngest kid in the class (except 2 or 3 who started school in different states/districts). Sounds like he's right on grade level, age-wise. Though if he's in the gifted program, is it possible he's struggling with some of the work and doesn't want to tell you? Though I guess that's something to discuss with the teacher/school counselor.

[NightAngel]

I agree with the need to talk to his teachers. I probably wouldn't tell them exactly what he said- maybe just that he seems out of sorts and down in the dumps.

Does he have any extra curricular activities like sports, music, etc.?

The best thing I ever did for my oldest son (he had a lot of problems) was enrolling him in Ryukyu Kempo Karate. Martial Arts gives kids self-confidence and self-discipline while teaching them respect for themselves and others. Gaining belts and going to competitions gives them comraderie and a sense of accomplishment.

No, when he started he absolutely did NOT want to do it. In the end he loved it and the change in his outlook on life was amazing.

I highly recommend at least looking into a good Dojo.

EDIT:
I also think that the punishment is probably much too long for a 9 year old. Especially if the original reason is already forgot. You and Dad should discuss this.

[gremcint]

The kid may just be acting out in his own way. Ask yourself if you ever wished you were dead when you were a kid. He's depressed because he's bored, kids pretty much have a one track mind, if he wants to play video games then watching tv is boring and so is everything else so he mopes because the one thing he wants to do he can't. Kids say a lot of things that they don't mean or really understand.

Things almost every kid has said least once while upset:
1. I hate you
2. I wish you were dead
3. I wish you were more like blah's parents
4. I'm running away
5. I wish I'd never been born

and even more.

When the punishment is up see how he is.

Diversify his entertainment, get him into movies and reading. Next time he does something bad don't take away the video games make him do chores or something, limit his video games.

If you didn't let him play video games then he'd get hooked on something else and it'll be the same problem. There is nothing wrong with video games.

I remember when I was a kid and wasn't allowed to watch tv it was all I wanted to do, and I wasn't exactly in the best mood during that time.

I think he's fine and it'll blow over.

[AdminAssistant]

I remember being grounded and having phone, video game, and my room TV priveleges taken away from me. I'm going to be the wild card here and say that a month without video games is not too strict and that if he's that dependent on them for happiness, then there's a problem. I do agree with spending more time with him, finding other things he likes to do. Read books together, work on projects, play outside.

Talking with his teachers is also good - and 'grats on getting him in the gifted program. It's honestly the only way I survived elementary school. Maybe the head of the gifted program can give you suggestions for activities? What's he into? Planes, dinosaurs, spaceships, pirates?

[MaggieTheCat]

Another suggestion, not sure if this will help this particular concern, but it might be fun anyway...do you guys have anything like "family board game night" or something like that? Just a night when you, Dad and your son do something together for a few hours. It'd be a great way to bond and he may open up to you more eventually.

Also, I didn't say it in my first post but I meant to: I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine what it would be like. I agree with the others who say that kids say stuff like that every once in a while, I know I went through a period where I hated my parents and wished I could run away somehow. However, I was much older than 9, I think I was around 19 or 20. *offers hugs*