Okay...

[Aethian]

I have a feeling this is because of the impending season change. But for the last few weeks I've been getting more and more...well depressed would be the best word. My real friends are scattered to the four winds and my online ones are...well on this forum. I don't think that helps with the depression either.

I've moved from crappy house into a trailer that feels right for me. I'm still getting things organized but thats not something I can do quickly anyways. I have met new neighbors who are wonderful and walk the dogs for me while I'm at work so i don't come home to messes but I'm just....bleh.

My sugars were stable till this darker mood started coming down on me and my eating has gotten...poor.

I want the guy I lost back and yet at the same time I never want to see him again. Except I still dream of a day that may never come. Oh snap out of it I hear some of you say. I've got a good job thats stabler then most, I've got housing and food and warmth. I even have a luxury of cable and net and yet all I want to do right now is stare out a window or fall out of said window just to see what would happen. *shivers* It's those rare thoughts that have been making me twitch.

I go out for walks and yet end up running back to the trailer because I get so scared that there is something there that is going to get me. Last night I hid under the bed because I felt like something was watching me and that was the only way to not be seen. The dogs don't seem to help that irrational fear because they stick right by me. I currently have one sleeping behind me, one to my side and the other is under the desk with his head on my feet. Not a easy thing for three large huskys to do.

Every noise has been making me jump. Every time a neighbor comes home and slams their door I know now which ones they are and have come to know their routines but when something happens out of routine I am looking out the window. This is starting to affect work cause I just can't sleep and can't concentrate on getting mail in the case. Brought back 12 pieces last week on one route because it was right number but wrong street. At least I caught it on the route.

I have found myself sleeping in the truck on my breaks and lunch and finding it more restful then my bed. I just don't know...I feel more at ease here and yet the hair on the back of my neck stands on end at times. My breath catches and I'm scared to look behind me. The dogs at times are carefree and laying wherever and then at times are tight up to me talking to themselves. Sometimes...I feel like I'm suffocating. And for some reason I just had to open this up to the people on here.

[Cat]

I'm not very good at giving advice, but just wanted to come on here and give you a virtual *hug.*

THe change of seasons does this to some, personally I get depressed from Nov-Feb.....it really sucks.

You're not alone out there, and I have found writing down how I feel to help some.

Take care

[BookstoreEscapee]

One of these days there will be a similar post from me...

I have a feeling this is because of the impending season change. But for the last few weeks I've been getting more and more...well depressed would be the best word. My real friends are scattered to the four winds and my online ones are...well on this forum. I don't think that helps with the depression either.

I am in the same boat. My college friends are scattered from Boston to Georgia to Central Pennsylvania...my local friends are few, and well, everyone's busy. There's not really anyone I feel like I can just call on the spur of the moment and say "hey let's go do something" (though DesignFox and I are tentatively supposed to get coffee or dinner or something tomorrow...which will be nice). It gets lonely. I'm shy and getting out and meeting new people is very difficult (terrifying, even). I got off my depression meds about 3 months ago, and I was doing pretty well, but lately I've been more down. Maybe it's the weather, and the fact that it's still dark when I wake up and getting darker earlier...I'm a little nervous what the fall/winter will bring on that front. I've been rather down on myself lately. So I know what you are going through.

My sugars were stable till this darker mood started coming down on me and my eating has gotten...poor.

Another thing I'm working on...I know in my head that eating better and exercising will make me feel better, but at the same time I'm so wiped out at the end of the day, and I just want to curl up with my computer and the TV remote.

I want the guy I lost back and yet at the same time I never want to see him again. Except I still dream of a day that may never come.

This is completely normal. I don't know how long you've been broken up but we all go through it. Even when you know the relationship will never work you still wonder what if...

all I want to do right now is stare out a window or fall out of said window just to see what would happen. *shivers* It's those rare thoughts that have been making me twitch.

These are scary thoughts, but not uncommon...I have them too, once in a while. Maybe not falling out a window, but other things...I try not to let them bother me, as long as they are only once in a while...if they are really disturbing you, you might want to speak to someone.

I go out for walks and yet end up running back to the trailer because I get so scared that there is something there that is going to get me. Last night I hid under the bed because I felt like something was watching me and that was the only way to not be seen. The dogs don't seem to help that irrational fear because they stick right by me. I currently have one sleeping behind me, one to my side and the other is under the desk with his head on my feet. Not a easy thing for three large huskys to do.

Every noise has been making me jump.

Sounds like you may have some kind of anxiety disorder, assuming you have not experienced some kind of recent trauma that would have you feeling like this, and assuming your neighborhood is relatively safe. Another thing to mention to your doctor or a counselor.

Is there any way to soundproof your trailer a bit more? Is your neighborhood relatively safe? Do your doors lock securely and everything? You don't want to be paranoid, but if you can make sure you feel secure in your home, it might help.

The dogs at times are carefree and laying wherever and then at times are tight up to me talking to themselves.

Sounds like your doggies are trying to take care of you . They may be simply reacting to your anxiety, rather than sensing something amiss on their own.

Sometimes...I feel like I'm suffocating. And for some reason I just had to open this up to the people on here.

We're a good place to start...there's lots of folks who have been through similar things, or are just good advice-givers, and getting things out of your head can be therapeutic in itself. We're not a substitute for talking to a professional, but there's always someone here to listen. And send hugs.

<-- hugs

[Der Cute]

Look up SAD online.
Seasonal Affective Disorder.


My SAD in AK would kick in around October, and in November I'd start to have ticker-thoughts in my head about suicide. November's darkness threw me off.

Go to the local hardware store, get a full spectrum lightbulb. Go to a thrift store and pick up a lamp base. Put them together, and you need at least 15 - 20 min of this light per day in the AM. I did this and could feel the endorphins running around.

And chat with a doc specifically about SAD. Now. Like yesterday.

Cutenoob

[NightAngel]

Go to the local hardware store, get a full spectrum lightbulb. Go to a thrift store and pick up a lamp base. Put them together, and you need at least 15 - 20 min of this light per day in the AM.

I think I might try this also. I have been getting more down as the days get shorter and colder also. Sure, it's not good old Florida sunshine... but it can't hurt.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I have two lamps on my dresser in front of the window, and they are on a timer so they go on at 6:15 every weekday morning (my radio comes on at about the same time and I get up when my phone alarm goes off at 6:25); they turn off at 7:15, when I'm just about getting ready to leave. They're not quite daylight but they do have the "natural light" bulbs in them. They help me wake up, though if I got enough sleep in the first place they would probably work better...but at least I'm not waking up in the dark anymore.

[Green_Fairy]

those lights work *wonders.* i didn't think that they'd work, but they do.

also, when i moved from one side of the country to the other, i didn't know anyone. so i went out and bought some cheep pots, some dirt, and some seeds. growing plants can be therapeutic for some people. you can talk to them and they don't talk back. don't really require too much work, depending on what you get.

bonsai trees are pretty awesome, too. shaping them can be really calming, and they don't take up too much space.

My real friends are scattered to the four winds and my online ones are...well on this forum

maybe join a local club? bowling...knitting...bonsai...depending on where you are, check the craft stores, they might have a fun class to take, meet people.

I want the guy I lost back and yet at the same time I never want to see him again.

if you know that he wasn't good for you, move on. distract yourself. don't go back. going back to exes rarely work. relationships usually end for a good reason.

i sometimes get so depressed, i don't want to get out of bed. but if you let the depression rule you, it wins. you really can't let something like that get the best of you. life is short, you gotta punch depression in the nads and do something awesome.
also, talking to a doc might be a good idea. meds aren't always the answer, but sometimes they are. or in the very least, they'll have some other ideas for you.

hope everything works out!

[Der Cute]

Some more ideas:
Start popping B6 and B12 vitamins. Or a B-vitamin complex. This helps smooth out neurons in your brain and up your moods a wee bit. And energy. BUT don't pop the energy drinks.

Eat rainbow foods. All the colors you can get in a day. This helps your vitamin intake, and gives you some variety in food . Bell peppers, salad, fruits...this is good.

Walk more. If you can.

And go talk to a doctor. Really. Depression, in whatever form it's in, is a bitch. I've got it, and I'll never cure it. But I'll say this: Moving south has changed my crazyness from November to Feb - if it pops up at all. And yes, get the plants.

Cutenoob

[BookstoreEscapee]

Eat rainbow foods. All the colors you can get in a day.

Does that mean I can eat a bag of Skittles every day?

[Aethian]

Walk more. If you can.
Cutenoob

Just had to comment on this...you do know what I do 7 to 9 hours a day right?





As a update I stopped at one of my businesses and stood under his 'daylight' lamp and he sold me on one right thn and there. It now sits above my computer desk that also holds my orange sweet cherry tomatoe plants. (As well as the computer...)

Don't have any day offs for awhile that aren't a Sunday so the doc appointment is out till I can find a day they are available and I'm available at the same time. Since doing a long lunch is out of the question. Once had a appointment at 2pm and didn't get seen till 5pm because of a lengthy appointment earlier then mine. (Kid didn't believe he had to loose weight and cut out on McD's....idjit Mom wasn't helping.)

Have picked up on a Vit-B multi liguid capsule...thing. We'll see if that starts to help. Turns out one of my great Aunts had to get vit-B shots weekly from the months of Nov-Feb...so that makes me feel a bit better.

I don't think it was suicidal thoughts as I never wanted to die but sheer boredom/exhaustion that make my mind wander like that.



But thanks for all the hugs and well wishing thoughts I appreciate it. Knew I could count on all of you.

[NightWatch]

*big hugs* I'm glad you found some stuff to make you feel better. While most of your symptoms sound typical of seasonal depression compounded by loneliness. The paranoia worries me some, however. This is only my experience, so I may be completely off base and you shouldn't necessarily listen to me:

The only time I have felt any of the paranoia symptoms you're describing was after a serious trauma. My ex had tried to kill me and it left me a little jumpy. Like, I'd see something come down the hall out of the corner of my eye and have to run to the bathroom, lock the door, and try not to flip out... when I finally got brave enough to open the door, I'd discover my dog standing there staring at me with the look of, "silly mom, it's just me, whatcha runnin' away for?"
He drove a really generic car in a really generic color, but every time I saw that sort of car, I had to look really hard at it to see who was driving it. Everytime I had to leave my car in a parking lot, I would have to look in all the windows to make sure no one was in there before I would get in. When I got home from work early in the morning I'd have to double check all the doors and windows were locked before I could sleep. I'd also look in all the hiding spots in the house and check the creepy abandoned basement that was entirely unused and in no way attached to my apartment.

My dog was a great help and also the worst help in this situation. Because he picked up on my emotions and would spend lots of time cuddling close to me, but he would tense up and growl/bark at every little noise because he knew I was on edge. It was a hard few months and I ended up breaking my lease and moving back in with my parents for a while.. Mainly because I was afraid of being alone.

My point is, to me, that doesn't sound like plain old depression. Either something may have happened or there is an underlying anxiety disorder, or something. If your symptoms persist, I'd strongly recommend you seek professional help.

[Der Cute]

Just had to comment on this...you do know what I do 7 to 9 hours a day right?

Soz hon. I wrote that with preggo fog in my head And I'm sticking to that excuse.
What b-vitamins are in that capsule? And what RDA percentages? Because you may need to be OVER 100% RDA for the B6 and B12s. Start with your pill, and take that into your PCP doctor as soon as you can. Dr visit should be about 2 weeks from now - with a log of your daily blahs. I know, I'm a hardass. 1 for death 10 for rainbow puppyday fluffy bunnies. Keep a spreadsheet/calendar and ask yourself how you're feeling. Keep working on the light/vitamin treatment, but take all these notes to doc. Doc may recommend upping the B's, but also may recommend a SSRI or other anti depressant. It's up to you. You may also want to investigate counseling.

Since I have depression, I'll be frank. No, Shirly. LOL. I'm chronic depressed, which is caused by genetics and my epilepsy. I have to take pills to keep me stable. And in the winter time in AK, even with those pills, I could sometimes go into the ditch of darkness (where you have ass magnets holding you in bed). Where you think of death and wish to just cease. This isn't good. I'm glad you're at least doing something to NOT let yourself get any closer to the ditch. But IME, depression is treated well when it's shot from 2 angles : drug and counseling. Just a single shot can kick it, depending on the person, but mine needed at least 2 bullets .

You exercise already. Good. You're working on homeopathic therapies. Good. Keep up the good work, and watch yourself. If you get closer to the ditch edge, PM me. Talk to people. Follow the PP's advice on a knitting class - Stich N Bitch!
But please, chat with a doc and see what they say. It may be more involved than just vitamins & lights.

PS how are the tomatos doing?

Cutenoob