Not doing so hot lately (whiny and maybe slightly incoherent)

[BookstoreEscapee]

So over the summer, I posted about how I was going off my medication (Effexor, an antidepressant). I was doing pretty well, I thought, but lately I’m not, so much. Not so bad that I’m thinking of going back on it (not at this point) but I have an appointment with the doctor on Wednesday. Maybe part of it is the weather, waking up when it’s still dark, and now with the clocks changed back, it’s light when I get up but dark when I get out of work.
There are other things going on…

I’m hating my job but I can’t exactly quit right now; I wouldn’t quit without something else lined up, and I don’t know what the hell it is that I want to do or look for. I have some ideas, sort of, but I guess I just don’t know where to even start. But I make a decent enough salary, so I can support myself, at least. As long as they don’t figure out that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing half the time….

I have crap with my Ex (he owes me money, he’s been blowing it off for years, and I finally filed against him in court when I found out he was moving out of state – a month after he had told me something completely different about his plans; his answer to the court was late, so I don’t know if they’ll even consider it, and it also contains at least one demonstrable falsehood…which is in my favor if we end up in front of a judge, but it just makes me so angry). And I feel so stupid for having loaned him the money in the first place, and for having let his bullshit go on for so long.

I don’t have much of a social life…part of it is that people haven’t been around…my college friends are scattered all over (the closest is a two-hour drive), and they all have families and jobs and stuff going on. My local friends (what there are of them) are all busy…weddings, babies, etc. Things I don’t see happening for me any time soon. If ever. Part of it is my own fault, because I’m the sort of person who kind of waits for other people to make plans. I’m shy…I’m never quite convinced that people really even care…and getting out and meeting new people is …terrifying…. I know that I need to do something, because I’m lonely and I don’t want to be lonely forever.

My parents have noticed and are worried about me; my mom kind of made me make the doctor appointment. But she’s kinda driving me crazy. She expects to go with me…into the exam room, to “make sure you ask the right questions.” I’m 34 years old. I already feel bad enough about myself lately without having my mother treat me like I’m 6. Today she sent me an email asking what questions I have written down for the doctor, which pissed me off (…I though she was the one with all the right questions..!). Part of me doesn’t know what to ask…I have a few things that I do want to ask about but I do not want to discuss them with my mother. So I don’t know what to tell her. It also doesn’t really help to have her asking me every day how my day was, am I feeling any better today…because when the answer is no the last thing I want to do is be reminded of it every damn day. When I do have a slightly better day, I don't like to show it around my mom because she always has to comment on how I seem to be feeling better...which just reminds me that most of the time I feel like crap.

I try to get to the gym…eat better…I make all sorts of plans but they never last long…. I can’t concentrate…I can barely read a magazine article, let alone sit down with a book. Sometimes I can’t even get through a post on CS without my mind wandering away. I feel so scattered…and stupid. I can't think. I have no patience. Every stupid little thing makes me angry. I can’t fall asleep at night. Then I can’t get up in the morning. These things are not new, however. I felt like this before I went off the meds; some of it (like the difficulty concentrating) seems to have gotten worse the longer I was on them. I worry sometimes that the meds have screwed up my brain.

[Cat]

**hugs**

I don't know what to say.....Im going through similar stuff, and it royally sux. And I understand about the mother thing, mines the same way....they mean well, but....yeah, treating one like a child does not help at all.

Eating healthier and going to the gym will help some, if nothing else it can be a temporary distraction. Listen to some of your favorite music, meditate if you can, and of course write down how you feel.

Times like these suck, at least you are able to recognize what is going on and you have some idea what to do.

the cats send some purrs.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Yeah, I know what I need to do...it's just so hard to actually do it...

[cinema guy]

Just a suggestion, but if you had the same symptoms on the meds as you do off the meds, then the meds may not be working. Different anti-depressants work for different people, so maybe ask the doctor for different meds.

Is there a depression support group you could find? I found that going to one was hugely beneficial.

I know what you are going through. You have my deepest sympathy.

[Shangri-laschild]

I was on Effexor for a while. I ended up getting off of it my first year of college because my insurance ran out. I never really felt like it was doing what I needed it to do. It would sort of keep things behind a glass wall. Problems are still there but they aren't quite touching me. After I got off the meds, I did so-so. I had my bad months and my good months but the idea of going back to medication never sounded appealing to me. Finally my best friend talked to me about seeing a therapist during one of the bad months. I decided it sounded like a good idea. It ended up being a very good one. Some depression problems can't be helped without medication, but some can. Talking to a therapist about things has helped me make big progress with the stuff that can be improved on. Sometimes I still have days where I can tell it's more of a chemical imbalance type thing like what the medication would treat, but mostly it has been stuff I have more control over and can work on. Not only has it been nice to work on improving myself, but to be able to feel like I have more control over myself has been amazing. It might not help everything, but I would definitely recommend trying it out.

[trailerparkmedic]

Please talk to your doctor. If Effexor wasn't working for you before, talk about a different medication. There are generics for most antidepressants now, and even a couple on the Walmart list if money is a problem.

Tell your mom that you are old enough to talk to the doctor on your own. Thank her for her concern, but tell her that constantly nagging you makes the situation worse. This may give you gross mental pictures, but to me, mental health is just as personal as a GYN exam. She wouldn't want you there for her GYN exam, so maybe you can explain it that way to her?

I do think her idea of writing down questions is a good idea. I would also write down any symptoms you're having, but that's because my mind often goes blank at the doctor's.

If you can see a therapist, they are very helpful.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Please talk to your doctor. If Effexor wasn't working for you before, talk about a different medication. There are generics for most antidepressants now, and even a couple on the Walmart list if money is a problem.

My appointment is at 10 tomorrow.

Money wasn't the issue...although saving the $25 copay every month is nice. I was actually doing pretty well... I went off not because I felt it wasn't working, but because I wasn't convinced I really needed it any more. I don't want to be on drugs for the rest of my life if I don't really need to be. I did a lot of research before I went off, and I waited (at my doctor's suggestion) until the summer to do it. Though one thing that I read (a post on a message board, I think) kind of clicked: "I stopped taking Effexor because it was making me stupid." I used to read all the time, even when I was depressed before I started taking the meds. The longer I was on the stuff, the harder it seemed to get to focus on just sitting down to read a book, let alone reading/understanding things that actually might affect my life... It's frustrating as hell. I can't think and it affects me at work; my job is hard enough for me to get my head around to begin with (part of the reason I don't like it...I kind of fell into it and it's not a field I had any background or interest in). And cognitive problems is one of the long-term side effects listed in one of the books I was reading on psychiatric drugs. So is my lack of focus due to depression or is it because of the meds? I don't know....

[cinema guy]

How did the appointment go?

[BookstoreEscapee]

They took some blood, gonna check thyroid and vitamin D levels, and a few other things. The last time I had blood work was in January, but it was fine then.
She gave me a prescription for Lexapro, but she said she would understand if I wanted to wait until the test results come back before I fill it. I'm not crazy about the immediate jump to more drugs, though. I understand that some people really do need them, and if I turn out to be one of those people, so be it, but I know there are habits that I need to change that will likely make me feel better. If that's not enough, then I can deal with going back to the meds. I just...I dunno....

The girl who drew my blood actually gave me some info on counseling options, and even checked to make sure the group is part of my insurance plan. I might look into that before deciding on the meds.

[cinema guy]

Sounds like you have a few options. That's good.

[Taboo]

I agree that it doesn't sound like the meds you were on were working. Maybe meds aren't the answer - or they're not the only answer. Honestly, a combo of things is usually much better than just going on the medication.

Be careful with the Lexapro if you decide to go on it. It can be really helpful for some people. However, you'll mostly likely go through a REALLY bad withdrawal if/when you go off of it, so just be aware of that. You can't take it and then just decide yourself to stop it if it's not going well; you'd definitely need to talk it through with your doctor. That's true with all antidepressants but as I've had problems with that one myself I think it's worth mentioning.

Try to not be too down on yourself, though. Of course you don't have all the right questions - you need help in the first place, so it's not a surprise. The biggest thing is that you've realized that you WANT things to change. Do you realize how big of a step that is? That's an amazing thing because it's the hardest thing to do when you're depressed and just feel overwhelmed. When you're feeling down you just need to remind yourself that by wanting things to change and by trying out different solutions you're doing a lot to help yourself! You're fighting it. Don't measure success solely by improvement because the intent here is also worth a lot.

I'd really suggest a support group or even just getting out and taking regular walks. Don't make it a goal of "I have to get to the gym xx times this week" but just "I will go out and do something positive." Whatever that may be for you.

Have you tried meditation?

I tried it back when I was depressed. I know it helps some people. For me, it just felt too unnatural and I couldn't do it. Then I started doing a lot of origami and realized that for me, sitting there and doing a simple task like folding small parts for a larger origami model was the same sort of mind-clearing activity. It let me slow down and breath, and just do something simple. Maybe you need to find something that allows you to get into that state of mind so you feel a little less scattered? Perhaps something like knitting that's simple and repetitive might be useful. I don't know the right answer for you, but it's a thought.

Here's hoping you feel better.

[Binky]

Going off Anitdepressants it hard. So far I'm not game enough to try. But I've been looking into some natural remidies that help in the same way and they are great!

Try fish oil that is at least 1000-1500mg, St Johns Wart, Zinc and Iron. Obviously you need to speak to a doctor before you try this, but I spoke to my natrapath about it and she said the combo really can help.

Just a thought. There are also lovely teas that are very calming that I use...but my memory eludes me right now so if you want PM me and I'll find out what their names were.

I'm not a doctor so don't try it unless one give the ok. But I'm always happy to have a chat PM me. Been through the rough times myself (and still got a lot going on) so I'm always happy to lend and ear

[BookstoreEscapee]

Re: Withdrawal - Effexor has a reputation for being one of the most difficult ones to get off of, and I didn't have too many problems. I was pleasantly surprised, actually. My doc gave me a scrip for 1/2 the dose and I took that for about 5-6 weeks, and then when I stopped it I scheduled it so I was on vacation for the first week, so I wouldn't have to worry about driving anywhere, and while I had some dizziness and trouble sleeping for several days, and generally felt sort of fragile, it really wasn't as bad as I feared. Spent a lot of time on the couch.

A month or so ago I started taking a multi-vitamin (most days, at least), and last week I picked up a B-complex supplement (which also has Vitamin C). Little too soon to tell if it'll make a difference. I've been trying to meet my friends from my old department outside after lunch when I can...they go out at 1:00 for coffee/smoke break and the sun is on that side of the building in the afternoon. (It also means I have to walk halfway through the warehouse to get there so I get a bit of exercise, too.)

I keep some decaf tea around...I have a peppermint herbal tea (Harney & Sons, which B&N carries) and Lipton Bedtime Tea which has spearmint and chamomile. Tonight I went to Bath & Body Works to use my gift card from my birthday, and got some Stress Relief (spearmint and eucalyptus scent) body wash and scrub (they were 2 for $20) from their Aromatherapy line. (I also have the matching pillow spray, and also lavender and chamomile "Sleep" pillow spray. I spray it on a hand towel so I can switch scents without having to wait for it to fade from my pillows (I feel kinda like Linus, going to bed with my blankie ). [I also had a coupon for a free item with a $15 purchase so I got a candle that smells like fireplace .] I just need to learn to turn my brain off and breathe it in.

It did take me almost an hour to get home from the mall (normally about 20 minutes), which didn't stress me out as much as one would expect. Perhaps it's knowing that I was at least having a better night than whoever was involved in the accident that was closing the highway (when I got home I checked the traffic map and it said there was a pedestrian accident at the next exit after the one we were forced to get off at - 4 lanes of traffic all getting off on a one-lane exit). Half hour to get off the highway, and another 20 minutes to loop back around to get to my apartment from the completely opposite direction, because I don't know where any of the side streets in between go and I didn't want to find out in the dark.

So, anyway, I think I might try to make an appointment to talk to someone before I make a decision on the meds.

[Plaidman]

i was on Lexapro for a couple months, it felt like it was starting to work but then I lost my job. It's not a $4 med, and it cost $100, no generic

There is a generic. Its called Citalopram, (Or Celexa) which was basically the sequel to Lexapro. Or something like that. Its like the left hand of lexapro. Doctor explained it to me once, but I was so high off cough syrup at the time, I didn't really recall. But I'm on it as its much cheaper for me then Lexapro. (Four dollars versus 20 dollars)

[BookstoreEscapee]

There is a generic. Its called Citalopram, (Or Celexa) which was basically the sequel to Lexapro. Or something like that. Its like the left hand of lexapro. Doctor explained it to me once, but I was so high off cough syrup at the time, I didn't really recall. But I'm on it as its much cheaper for me then Lexapro. (Four dollars versus 20 dollars)

From what I read, Lexapro is a more refined version of Celexa. Supposedly it has fewer side effects (statistically significant difference; some debate about whether the difference in the real world is really that big). The cynical explanation is that Celexa went off patent, so they had to come up with something new to keep the money coming. I looked it up on my insurance company's website and it says it would be the same $25 copay as the Effexor.

The "left hand" thing is something to the effect of it's the same molecule but with a slightly different structure...like how your hands are the same but opposite.