Respect one's wishes? Why would you do that? (Looooong!!!)

[SnapAddict218]

This weekend has been crazy for me and Sweetface. Aside from being terribly sick all week long, he'd already had one transfusion and had to go back for more labs on Friday. His sister *cringe* came up to keep him company and take him to the treatment center for the labs. As much as I can't stand this friggin woman, it was really nice to have some one else looking after him for a change. For the first time in a long time I was able to go out for lunch, rather than have to come home, feed him and clean up the place.

It's his oldest sister-in her 40's. She doesn't work, she doesn't have kids, she doesn't volunteer nor does she seem to have any real hobbies other than getting in to other people's business. We've had several problems with her butting in and refusing to back off since he got sick. She blabs to the rest of the family-everything. She got wind of Sweetface's first hospital visit-the one where we found out that he [probably] had some form of cancer, and when he refused to talk to her about it (because he didn't know anything YET) she got on the horn and called the REST of the family. The only info she had was that Sweetface was in the hospital and he wouldn't say for what, but she passed that along, effectivly freaking the f*ck out if everyone...who, in turn, would call and de-fucking-mand answers.....that he didn't have. For a time she would drive up from the next city over and sit in his hospital room all day long. All day. She'd still be there at night when I finally got off my second job. She didn't do anything-I mean, she wasn't comforting him or fetching him a drink. She just sat there, and it was creeping Sweetface out after a couple of days. Its hard to sleep when someone is staring at you from the corner, let alone blast those truly awful chemo farts. Anyway, he'd asked her several times to not come up every day and explained that not only did he NOT want it, it weirded him out. SHe still came though, telling him that she needed to be there-it was as much for herself as it was for him. I think he sat her down and had 'the talk' with her at least 3 times before she complied. She was also quite vocal with her concerns that he's not letting family take care of him-meaning me. She's upset that he's 'chosen' some NON-family person to care for him-nevermind that we live together and see each other waaaaaay more often than he sees any of his siblings. (None of 'em were close before this anyway) I could write a book on this woman and the shit she's pulled, but Im trying to keep this brief. We fight about this sister...alot. She drives him crazy and makes him so mad but I can't say anything because then I'm the bad guy. You guys know how it is.......right?

Back to the tale! I was concerned that he would need blood again on Friday but as it turns out he did not. He was still quite ill, even though the doctors checked him out ok. As I was getting ready for work yesterday afternoon he decided to heat up some soup. It's a good thing I happened to be in the kitchen when I was because he went white as a sheet, started shaking uncontrollably and complained of being so cold. I got him to the couch before he fainted-wasnt aware I was that strong! I called the hospital and said we were comin in, put some shoes on him and got him to the car. They did blood work and decided to readmit him incase he had the flu or something. Not a huge life threatening deal as it was, but obviously you don't want to mess around with these things when the patient has no immune system! Sweetface asked me to call his sister and see how she was feeling. Since her and I were the only two people (outside of hospital staff who wear masks) he's had any contact with he wanted to see how she was feeling, incase she brought anything up wit her. BUT he told me to tell her NOT to call anyone yet. SO I did, and when I explained that Sweetface had asked her not to say anything to anyone at the moment, she argued with me that it wasn't fair to 'keep everyone in the dark'. I agreed, and told her that by tomorrow when he was feeling better and we actually KNEW what was going on, he'd prolly let everyone know what was up, that he's not trying to hide it from people....but for now, he does NOT want her to say anything. Again...she argues that she needs to let people know whats going on. Again..I explain that Sweetface (you know, the sick one) has asked that she NOT DO ANYTHING.

30 minutes after we hang up I get a text message from his sister in law: "A little birdie tells me Sweetface has the flu!"

I was livid. I still am, actually. I told the in law that he'd specifically asked for that information to not get out. She replied "I know, but that's just how <idiot sister> is!" To be fair, the whole family is aware of her ways and has had to put up with her pushy, nosey, blabbery mouth.... I don't give a Good God Damn. How about that? That's just how SNAPS IS THEN. And I look like the bad guy because I refuse to give info about the situation-since that's what Sweetface has asked.

When I went back to the hospital last night I told him what happened and he was really to sick to be terribly upset, but I told him to expect visitors tomorrow because EVERYONE frigging knows.

Who the hell does she think she is? I agree that the family should be kept abreast of his goings on, but it's not HER place to share that information-especially if he's asked her NOT to!!!!!! She almost HAS to be the last to be told anything because, no joke, by the time you hang up with her and call the next family member they already know because she's called!!!!!

She wanted me to call her back today and let her know whats going on but I don't think I can with out laying into her. I'm in the odd position of being 'just the girlfriend', so I really don't have that much of a leg to stand on. If we were married then yea, but at this point its so risky. I'm just so ANGRY at her for deliberatly ignoring his wishes, and I'm upset with Sweetface because he doesn't seem to see the weight of this. It's more than annoying-it could be dangerous. With both his parents dead she is his next of kin (until we get hitched-and believe me, we're workin on it!). If she won't respect his simple request "Please shut your fat fucking mouth for 24 hours" how in THE hell can you expect her to respect his wishes should the be more serious?!

For whatever reason Sweetface has a tough time standing up to her and making his word stick. He's so afraid of hurting her feelings (why, I have no idea.) Me, on the other hand, could give a shit less about your feelings-if you're pissing me (or my family) off. I do not care if she 'likes' me. As long as Sweetface and I get along, I'm ok. SO. I wonder if I should call her on this-and ask her to explain WHY she willfully ignored his request? Its apparent no on in the family has ever challanged her nosey ways, so being the first could cause some serious problems. I just don't know what to do. I'd like to kick her in the girl balls but I doubt she'd get the hint even then.

Blarg. Should I say something? Or not? Im not sure I'd have Sweetface back me up when she goes crying to him that I yelled at her. I don't want to put him through any more family turbulance with him being sick...

[Amina516]

I wouldnt tell her whats on your mind, just in case she does go running and crying to him. He obviously doesnt need anymore stress in his life. But seriously, DONT tell her anything AT ALL unless you are prepared for the family to know.

And the next time the sister curls up in the hospital and refuses to leave, tell the staff. Security can escort her ass out. He wont be able to get better if he's stressed/worried/pissed all the time.

Hope he feels better. It sounds like he has one of the best to take care of him.

[Dips]

My feeling on it is don't. If it's his wish that you not tell off his sister then you have to take the high road and honor his wishes. Even if nobody else thinks his wishes are important, you obviously do.

I know it's incredibly infuriating. My blood pressure rose just reading about it. I have the misfortune to also know a person like his sister.

Concentrate on what you CAN do. If he doesn't want his sister visiting, then remind him that *he* can tell the nurses who may or may not visit him. They WILL honor his wishes. If he chooses not to exercise his rights as a patient then accept it as something you CAN'T change.

As to how to deal with the fallout this time...

I suppose he knows his sister well enough to know that she wouldn't keep a secret; I'm sure he weighed that option and decided that knowing her health status was the more important thing (I happen to agree with him there). I doubt he's very surprised that she blabbed.

If the relatives call you, tell them Sweetface asked you to talk to Blabbermouth on his behalf for a specific reason. He specifically asked you not to talk to anyone else about the reason and you are honoring his wishes. Assure them that, as soon as he gives you permission, you'll be happy to fill them in. But again, you feel you must honor his wishes in this matter. Be empathic and understanding. They are worried because they care about him.

And hugs to both of you. Serious illness is an incredible stressor by itself. Serious illness and dealing with stupid relatives is just about unbearable.

[gremcint]

You are not just his girlfriend. You are his fiancee and his designated caretaker. He has specifically requested that you are responsible for his health and includes preventing stress. His sister is just causing more stress and being selfish, you are well within your rights to not only tear into but also just cut her out of the loop. Try to explain to her if you want but I bet it's a waste of breath. Just tell her that she obviously cannot be trusted and will therefore be the absolute last to hear anything from now on and if she shows up at the hospital or house then make her leave as all she is doing is stressing you and him out and neither of you need that.

[SnapAddict218]

I'm sure he weighed that option and decided that knowing her health status was the more important thing (I happen to agree with him there). I doubt he's very surprised that she blabbed.

Bingo. She wouldn't have known a damn thing had he not had a reason to call her. I think I was more surprised at the sister in law who contacted me. Obviously she knew that Idiot Sis wasn't supposed to blab and to me the classy thing to do would have been to play dumb.

Though, when all you hear 'Sweetface is in the hospital with the flu!!!!!" you can't help but get worried...Even though that's not the whole or correct story. THough that's the point of not blabbing-when you don't have all the details, it's easy to get overly upset.

His family is making this harder than it needs to be. As for talking to the staff, I've done that once before. The first time he went in for chemo his frigging family beat us to the hospital. We weren't even there and they started calling, letting him know what room number he was in...because they were already in it. Yea. We hadn't even gotten to the hospital yet and his family was already camped out in the room. I was so surprised the staff let them do that! It was a cluster, the doctor trying to talk to him about the treament and the nurses trying to get him hooked up-all while manuvering around 7 frigging people. As if leaving home for a week long hospital stay wasn't stressful enough....as if getting chemo for the first time wasn't stressful enough.

I'm trying very hard to keep my temper and not bad mouth anyone, because after all it is his family. I woudn't want him shit talking my parents if the roles were reversed....but it's hard.

[AccountingDrone]

Immediately put her on the do not admit list. You do not need that shit going on. She obviously has her own little dramaqueen needs going on. Do not let her have any information on his health, only pass information on to his mother if she is still alive. Mom can pass any information out to the family, or better yet put it on a facebook page and only release the information you want to. The hospital will refuse to give out information if that is the wish of the person.

I gave up being walked on for lent years ago and refuse to let it happen ever again. It is quite exhilerating.

[SnapAddict218]

His mama is gone-which is why she feels the need to assume the motherly role....i guess. But he's a 33 year old man, not a child so...even if she was still around, his mama wouldn't be this much of a pain in the ass.

Actuall he called her on it today. I told him I wasn't willing to call her back because I wasn't sure I could hold my tongue and he said he already talked to her about it. She told him that she 'misunderstood', and thought he was reluctant to tell everyone. Well...yea, you idiot...he was reluctant....which is why you were asked to zip it. Anyway, she claims that she misunderstood and she just apologized all over her self! NOW I'm even MORE pissed than before-she frigging lied to him!

Does she really think he's dumb enough to fall for that "oh, SHE told me wrong" bit?? Sweetface and I communicate better than that-one of the reasons I take such good care of his arse. He told her that when she willingly ignores his requests, it very much makes him NOT want to share anything with her. From here on out she will be the last to know anything, since she can not be trusted to listen to his instructions. The bottom line is the three of us know damn well what I told her, and the three of is know damn well there was no 'misunderstanding'. Its really funny that she claims it to be a mix up because when I told the in law that she wasn't supposed to know anything she said I know, I know, but you know how it is....so...it was a misunderstanding-you misheard me, but you still managed to let everyone know that you really weren't supposed to be flapping your gums?

Nice. I hate her. A lot.

And, naturally since Idiot Sister blabbed, Sweetface was bombarded with requests for visitation today. Nope. No. Make me the bad guy but I don't care. Where he's at in the ward, everyone has to glove up and mask up before entering the room. The staff does it, because its their job-and there is a sign on the door-but there isn't anyone to make SURE that everyone is doing it. So. No, you can't come in. Wait a few fekkin days and come visit him at home.

[BookstoreEscapee]

-it was as much for herself as it was for him.

Sorry, Sis - it's not about you.

[Der Cute]

Has Honey actually done a POA and/or paperwork to designate you as Sane Human Who Makes Big Decisions?

If not, have that done YESTERDAY.

Then type out a list of people ALLOWED TO VISIT HONEY IN THE WARD. If you aren't on that list, Sorry, You Cannot Visit. (Amina will attest to that). Whitelist only. Make sure that the Head Nurse and the ward nurses agree to this, and if not, you will have someone's behind in a frying pan. Add to the list: Must wear mask & gloves and be sterile or not admitted.

You can do this: Create an email group in your computer to spam/notify faaaaamily members when there is an update that is OK'D to be let out. If it's not OK'd by either you or Honey, it doesn't go out.

And stick to the Whitelist and What Gets Said. If you don't this issue of BlabberSister will become more and more integrated into your lives.

This is where I would pull out my Mama Bear claws, my Pregnito hormonal rages and all my other super powers I've got. This is a hill to die on, no jokes about it.

"I'm sorry, that's just not possible."
"Sorry, no visitors today."
"No."
"Updates will be sent as needed."
"Please leave."
"This is not an area to joke about. Please see the nurse about sanitization, before you enter this room."
"If you're on the visit list, you can visit from 8 - X on Tuesdays with flying pigs."

Get it? Got it?
Good.

Now use your pitchfork and calm voice, and don't let these people trample you.

Cutenoob

[Dips]

All excellent and practical advice. The only thing I would add is that you make sure the standing orders you give the staff are written down and placed in his medical records, but don't be shy about mentioning them verbally to the floor staff ahead of every admission. Let the staff be the bad guys.

And Snap, you need to take care of YOU too; I know you've heard that before. I've heard it before and didn't pay attention either, but while it's cliched, it's also true. While you're in a crisis you don't see it but you're just human. What you're going through is very overwhelming, even for someone with the amazing strength you have.

Many hospitals have family support programs for caretakers. If you are religious many have access to chaplains of many faiths and many also have a meditation room or chapel where anyone is welcome to spend some quiet time recharging. Even if you just sit down with other caregivers and have a cup of coffee in the cafeteria or take a five minute walk in the garden, it can release some of the stress you are under and give you what you need to keep going.

[SnapAddict218]

I didn't believe it either Dips, but yea. Once westarted to get into the thick of things AND his family started acting up I noticed that I've been grinding my teeth. No other signs of stress.....just the teeth thing. I work two jobs currently (and his blabbermouth waste of space sister can't even work one....grrr *still angry!!*) so between them and keeping the house put together....my 'me time' usually ends up being sleep. I guess thats ok, though I'd friggin love to get down town again.

His family is already upset that I'm his right hand. The sister in law-she's not, but she's also been in the same shoes before. The rest of the family is a little iffy, though Blabber Mouth happens to be the loudest. I'm not really sure the email thing would work-they would still contact Sweetface to 'verify'. They all have my phone number, though the never call. They will call Sweetface 75 times a day and leave as many messages-all claiming to be worried when he doesn't pick up, but no one ever contacts ME as an alternative. A lot of times its like I don't even exist. However the 'need to know' thing was my idea from the very get go. Sweetface was wondering how to tell everyone everything everytime and I explained that he doesn't need to do that. We had a couple of incidents like this, where he shares information and one family member or another (usually Blabber Mouth) blows it out of perportion, before he started to see that I really had something with the idea of spoon feeding...By now he's realized that certain family can't be told much of anything, and some family must be told before others, while there are few people that can be told anything.

Bottom line is, I work two jobs to support us, I buy the groceries and prepare the food (he has a special diet), I pay for his medication, I organize his appointments and I give up my personal life for his care. They help out, which is great, but I'm the one that gives up my free time to work and puke duty-and I do that all because I want to. So, they can try and throw their weight around and use the "we're family' line but you know what? Sweetface and I are family too. And as for Blabber Mouth, if helping out was really that big of a deal she could be doing so much more. She could get a part time job and sent Sweetface the cash for one. Right now my parents send him a twenty every couple of weeks, just so he has something in his wallet (even though he's confined to the house!) Why can't his nosey ass sister do the same? UHG!!! Whateves.

Funny story-Arctic Chicken sent us some freaking delicious cookies, and Blabber Mouth refused to let him have any while she was up. Scolding him about how he doesn't need anything like that. She really wouldn't let him near the cookies like he was a naughty child. Um. Feck off. First off-you're a guest in MY house, so you don't get to shoo anyone out of the kitchen. Second, he's sick, so he gets whatever he wants. Thats a house rule! Third, look, at this point, if he'll eat it, you need to give it to him. He's not asking to live off of cookies for the rest of his life, he just wants a bite. He probably won't even finish the whole thing. And finally.....woman, he is a grown damned man! He doesn't need anyone's permission to get a cookie! Get outta my house!

Gaaaaaa.

He comes home tomorrow. I take way to much joy in knowing that you guys know that but not his bitch ass sister. He he he he he.