My Past Is Back To Haunt Me

[blas]

I really need to vent. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this, just knowing that someone is reading my words will comfort me.

This isn't something new, but it's just started happening all at once and I'm so upset by what happened earlier today that I was nearly in tears until I went to the mall and talked with a friend (although about other stuff).

Anyone who has known me long enough on here knows that when I was younger....say up until about 2-2 1/2 years ago, I was a really clingy, needy, desperate, and at times maybe even a slutty girl. Not the kind of slut who thinks every man is a conquest, but just so desperate for a guy to actually like me or want to be with me....and it took me a LONG time to realize I was doing it wrong. I didn't have sex with every guy.....some we just hung out a lot...but they used me for other things. But I'll admit I had my moments. I swore at one point that I was done being a play toy, I pushed all of those guys out of my life, even told a few of them to NEVER contact me again, and just hoped the rest didn't need to be told.

Anyway, summer 2007, I started dating a guy from work and it ended up being pretty serious. It was such a change and I felt so blessed to finally be with a guy who wanted to be with ME, yes ME, not an ex or another girl, and not just for sex, but for ME. We didn't last that long, but it was a great 6 months and it really helped boost my self respect and self worth.

In between there, I've been single and had some bfs....then in October 2008 I met the current bf and have been with him ever since...and he's just the greatest thing to have ever happened to me in that way.

I guess, to quit rambling....the past coming back. Meh, here goes:

At times while I was dating my first serious boyfriend (a couple years ago) random guys that I used to hang out with or sleep with would try to make contact with me again (probably because they got dumped or were lonely or maybe they just wanted to see if I made good on my promise that I was done being a play toy). Some were up to their usual pervy ulterior motives, others were (claiming, anyway) wanting to know what was up, wanna hang, etc......I NEVER let my guard down and was firm (sometimes even flat out bitchy) and told them that I had told them before I was DONE with that part of my life (and some of them I reminded that I NEVER wanted to hear from them again) and never contact me again, blah blah blah.

And surprisingly enough, since I met current bf up until a few weeks ago (I'm surprised it lasted this long) I hadn't been contacted by any of my former sleazeballs.

But alas, I work with a guy who, even though I never slept with him or even hung out with him, he's friends with two guys that I used to hang with (I wasn't THAT slutty, they were several months apart) and being just as bad as gossiping girls, they told him everything and he knows all about it.

And even though it's been 3 years since I was with his one friend and 2 1/2 years since the other, he STILL felt the need to bring it up at work a few weeks ago. "Hey, Tim and Joe say hi and they wanna hang." (I don't know if that's necessarily true or not, but either way....ugh!!!).

I told him "That's nice, I have a serious boyfriend now and I'm not the same person that I was back then. Tell them that, k?"

Then the other night, I asked him what he got for Christmas. He smirked and said "A threesome!" to which my jaw dropped because that's so inappropriate to talk about at work, and he glared at me and said "Don't look at me like that. I know all about you and what you like to do!"

I got kind of bitchy and said "I told you before, I'm not into that anymore and I'm a one man woman. Got it?"

He still doesn't get it. Every night we have to work together (thankfully it's just for a few hours) he talks about those two guys and me and back in the day.....UGH UGH UGH!!!

Then to make matters worse......just out of the blue this morning, I got home and logged on to Facebook and some guy I went to high school with on my friends list started chatting with me. He's one of those people who probably found me via the classmate finder, but after we added one another, we never spoke until TODAY.

Anyway, he messaged me and started asking me personal sexual questions about stuff that we supposedly did when we were both back in 9th or 10th grade. Oh good fucking god.

I gave him the "I have a serious boyfriend, I don't talk about things like this with other guys, it's been many years and I'm obviously a little older and different and I don't want to talk about this."

He asked if he could tell a story about something that happened that he swore happened with me, and I asked "If you do, can we drop it after that?" but I should have known better. After he told his little story (which I don't even know where the hell it came from) he started making very sexual remarks about my body and the way I look.

That's when I did it. Blocked him. Fucker.

I wanted to cry. WHY IS IT that I did something that only benefited me, by improving myself and becoming a better person, and yet these stupid boys keep trying to come back into the picture by making contact and saying stupid things? Obviously it just goes to show that when a girl lowers herself to that caliber, she gets no respect, because they STILL don't respect me because I can preach until the cows come in and they still won't quit with the questions and sexual remarks.

I am so upset. I am so worried that he saw my bf's name and is going to send him something. I am so paranoid that for the next however many days or months, more idiots are going to keep coming out of the woodwork.

I am so happy with my boyfriend. I don't want anything to get ruined by these fucking dweebs.

Thank you for letting me vent!

[RayvenQ]

Simply put, they failed to grow up and move on, you haven't failed either of those.

[Greenday]

Murphy's Law

Sometimes, there's just no running completely away from the past. But you are who you are now, not who you were then. And you are doing great now! You've got a job, you're own place, a great boyfriend. Just keep ignoring these people and try to continue on as normal. And give your coworker a fist to the face if he doesn't let up.

As for ruining your relationship, from everything I've heard from you, he's a great guy and he's not going to give a crap what some other guy has to say about things you did years ago.

[blas]

I thank you all for your support.

I understand that I can't pretend it never happened, and the past is what helps us become who we are today.

It's not that I don't trust my boyfriend or I have anything to hide, but it's certainly not the most pleasant thing to receive random nastygrams from strangers saying horrible things about your s/o.

This just really sucks and really upsets me. I just wish it would stop and I can't help worrying that more and more are going to keep popping up.

Edit to add: I just can't understand why they can't get over it and just keep trying. I had friends who were in the same boat as me, and now some of them are married and have kids (or as a result of who they used to be, they have a kid or two). None of my friends from then are like that now, either.

[ditchdj]

You know, that's one of the benefits of moving far away to another state: You dont have to worry about bumping into any of your ex's.

Since it's been so many years now I've pretty much taken the attitude of "They can call my anything they want, just dont call me late for dinner".

That and I do NOT use my real name in Facebook or MySpace or even post photos of myself because that kind of bullshit that can happen online. And if I do post a photo it might be like a "novelty" pic like of myself when I was five years old.

I dont even use IM because, well, I dont have any really good reason to.

[RayvenQ]

Maybe it's worth having a word with your bf to explain what's going on that these are people who are from your past, who you want absoloutely nothing to do with but who keep cropping up now and again anyway.

[Hobbs]

Well, obviously the coworker should have sexual harrassment charges against him. That oughta learn 'im how to treat female coworkers from now on.

Of course, it's up to you

[tropicsgoddess]

You know, that's one of the benefits of moving far away to another state: You dont have to worry about bumping into any of your ex's.

Since it's been so many years now I've pretty much taken the attitude of "They can call my anything they want, just dont call me late for dinner".

That and I do NOT use my real name in Facebook or MySpace or even post photos of myself because that kind of bullshit that can happen online. And if I do post a photo it might be like a "novelty" pic like of myself when I was five years old.

I dont even use IM because, well, I dont have any really good reason to.

That and being several counties away in the same state. My ex lives 4 hours away from me and after many many times I've told him, he FINALLY got the hint that I didn't want to have anymore contact with him out of respect for SO. I keep my profile, pics and posts private (only for friends to see). Those jackasses are too immature to know that you've moved on to something better.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Blas, these people do not matter. Do not get yourself worked up about what is going on with them. They are like garbage blowing across a street. Step around it and keep going.

I'm glad you blocked the guy. Here's some advice, about that: Next time, block faster. Don't dirty yourself by responding to any innappropriate shit. You do not owe anyone any explanation, and anyways, it is nobody's business what is going on with you.

If it's a matter of having to work with one of these assholes, just tell HR that a coworker is continally making sexually innappropriate commentary and innuendo to you. That you needn't tolerate this shit at work is a given. Tell the asshole that unless it's work related, he's not allowed to speak to you, since he can't do so without being disrespectful.

They do not matter. Don't talk to them. And don't let them talk to you. I'd frankly burn them all off anyways, if I were you. I can pretty much promise you that you and I both know what their motivations are.

[MaggieTheCat]

If it's a matter of having to work with one of these assholes, just tell HR that a coworker is continally making sexually innappropriate commentary and innuendo to you. That you needn't tolerate this shit at work is a given. Tell the asshole that unless it's work related, he's not allowed to speak to you, since he can't do so without being disrespectful.

This is exactly what I was thinking when I read the bit about your co-worker being an ass.

I don't have much more to add other than what everyone else has already said, so here's some extra hugs for the new year.

[Ree]

blas, may I just say that I have watched you maturing and changing over the past couple of years, and it has impressed me.

To be very honest, I used to read some of your posts and shake my head with concern about your choices and lifestyle.

I have been through some pretty difficult struggles over the past while, and you have amazed me and touched me with your compassion, concern, and support.

I'm sorry this is happening to you now, and that some people have failed to mature and move on, and seem determined to ruin things for you now.

RecoveringKinkoid has expressed it perfectly. Go back and read her post again.
She has some excellent advice.

[ditchdj]

To be very honest, I used to read some of your posts and shake my head with concern about your choices and lifestyle.

I've found that your 20's is the time to grow and mature. Some stumble and fall more than others. Some can be chocked up to making mistakes, some to life not being fair. You learn from them and move on.

[McGoddess09]

I'm glad you could talk to us, big sis. That is what we are here for.

Maybe you should talk to the bf about what is going on. That way, he hears all of this from you, instead of some sick twisted version of what is going on. From what I know, he is a great guy who will understand.

Also, tell the guys who are being this way that if they don't stop talking about the past, you will stop talking to them. If they continue, make good on your threat. If they try to contact you, just delete the message or turn the phone on silent if they call.

If it still gets frustrating, you know my number, so you can call me. I will listen to you. What are little sisters for?

[Red_Dazes]

Maybe it's worth having a word with your bf to explain what's going on that these are people who are from your past, who you want absoloutely nothing to do with but who keep cropping up now and again anyway.

Well, obviously the coworker should have sexual harrassment charges against him. That oughta learn 'im how to treat female coworkers from now on.

Of course, it's up to you

I agree fully with both Rayven and Hobbs.
At the very least tell your bf briefly about it. You were a 'wild child' and aren't proud of it, and have removed yourself from it, but these idiots keep popping up and you wanted to make sure he heard it from YOU before some sleaze bag showed up and tried to trash talk you.

...as for your coworker. Next time he brigs it up, maybe you should ask him how he would feel discussing it with your boss?
*hugs* I'm sorry for all the crap. I've only got one ex... but he tried his best to make my life hell and my current relationship fail after I broke it off with him. I'm sure I don't know what its like for you... but I can relate. ^_^ Keep your chin up.

[blas]

I thank you all again for your support and kind words

I sort of did a post and ditch yesterday, and went to sleep shortly after posting to the first couple replies, but I came back today to find some really uplifting PMs and more kind words from ya'll. It makes me feel great

I did tell my boyfriend eons ago about how I used to be, just as a precaution because there's always been/always will be gossip and because I knew that the idiots popped up from time to time, I wanted to be prepared. I just hope that that's enough.

We did have a fun time with friends last night and so far, today has been incident free. I'm glad this doesn't happen everyday. I think the reason I went into emotional over-drive was because the guy at work and the guy on Facebook just happened right away and together and it was like twisted sick irony.

The next time I see that guy at work, I'm going to ask him one more time not to talk about that stuff with me and that I don't care about those two guys nor do I want to hear from them again. If he doesn't quit, then I will go to my boss or his boss about it.

I do think I was going about it the wrong way. You guys are right. I do NOT owe anyone an explanation and I do not need to justify myself or keep preaching "I'm not that girl anymore!".....they don't deserve an explanation.