Ok, that's it, no new friends!

[JoitheArtist]

Just ranting here...need a way to let off some steam.

Sometimes, I think that having friends is more trouble than it's worth. I don't make friends easily, and never have. I find it emotionally exhausting to be around people for very long, but I am happy to invest in friendships. But I am TIRED OF PEOPLE MOVING.

There's a married couple, a few years older than me, whom I'd really been putting some time and effort into getting to know. I housesit and dog-sit for them, and we do a fair amount of things together. I really like them, and wanted to keep on getting to know them better.

Today they announced that they are moving. To freaking CANADA.



I. Do. Not. Deal. Well. With. This. I *hate* it when friends move, especially when I've put this much time and energy into developing the relationship. (I am fairly certain that my over-reaction to these things is due to what happened when I was very small. I had neighborhood friends when I was little, but they all moved away, leaving me alone. Then my family moved, and I didn't have real friends again until college.) Right now, a large part of me wishes I had never gotten to know this couple, because all that time and energy will have been for nothing. Sure, people SAY they'll keep in touch, but they don't. Everyone knows it, but everyone plays along anyway. After a few months, the relationship consists of the occasional "Hi, how are you, we're all fine" messages on Facebook, and that is NOT worth the emotional expenditure.

Right now, I don't know how I'm going to face them over the next few months. I really don't want to spend any major amounts of time with them, because that's even more emotional energy just down the drain--pointless. I almost wish they'd moved first, and told me afterwards--at least that way I wouldn't have to see them so often, knowing that they were just going to leave.

Out of all my close circle of friends, I'm the ONLY one that likes living in Southern California--I fully expect to lose the rest of them within the next 5-10 years. I really don't know how I'm going to survive that. But right now, I really feel like going into total lockdown mode: no new friends, no more reaching out, no more trying to build relationships. Everyone leaves in the end, and it's just not worth it to keep getting burned.

I know that I am being disgustingly selfish about this--I'm fully aware of it. Hopefully later my rational side can come back into play, and bring a little balance. But right now, I just feel exhausted, betrayed, and angry.

(thanks for letting me rant! It helps a little...)

[ArcticChicken]

I can sympathize somewhat, I too do not make friends easily.

But I have to assume we have very different definitions of friendship if it all becomes invalidated just because the friend is far away.

Right now, a large part of me wishes I had never gotten to know this couple, because all that time and energy will have been for nothing.

So, the good times you had aren't worth anything any more, just because they're far away?

Sure, people SAY they'll keep in touch, but they don't.

You don't have to wait for them to keep in touch. You can call, you can write, and, hell, you can visit.

Plenty of people maintain close friendships over long distances, for example, my mother moved from upstate NY to Florida two and a half years ago and still talks to all her friends from NY, and not just messages on facebook.

I really don't want to spend any major amounts of time with them, because that's even more emotional energy just down the drain--pointless.

You talk like you're saving up for some future purchase, not hanging out and having a good time. Good memories are never wasted.

Out of all my close circle of friends, I'm the ONLY one that likes living in Southern California--I fully expect to lose the rest of them within the next 5-10 years.

You're looking at this wrong. It's not five or ten years until you loose your friendships, it five to ten MORE years of good times, and happy memories. Its five to ten YEARS to make new friends. And don't forget, you don't have to loose those friendships when they move away.

I really feel like going into total lockdown mode: no new friends, no more reaching out, no more trying to build relationships.

Oh, honey, please don't do that to yourself. I know it can hurt, but shutting yourself off isn't the answer. It's true you can't get burned, but that doesn't mean you won't hurt.

I've spent far too much of my life desperately lonely because I was afraid to reach out.

I still have a hard time, but it is so very worth it.

[Evil Queen]

I know how you feel. I hate when either I or my friends move away. It makes me very sad.

[AdminAssistant]

I second ArticChicken. I've moved quite a bit over the past 5 years, and other friends have moved away. Hazard of being in school. Some I keep in touch with, many I don't. You just have to enjoy the friendship while it lasts, and wish that person the best when they move away. Sometimes it's sad, sure, but it's usually for a good reason. My closest friends were in Arkansas, but I moved to advance my own career. Yes, I lost touch with many of those friends, but I still visit home and see them occasionally. However, I've made many more amazing new friends here in KS. Since we're all students, we will eventually move away and be scattered to the corners of the globe. But that doesn't discount the great times and fun we have now.

[JoitheArtist]

I can sympathize somewhat, I too do not make friends easily.

But I have to assume we have very different definitions of friendship if it all becomes invalidated just because the friend is far away.

Not invalid, per se, but friendship over distance is a MUCH different thing. No more "hey, let's go grab lunch" on the spur of the moment, no more movie nights, no more seeing each other every week or so. Sometimes, just sometimes, it can still work when there is no more physical presence involved. But in my experience, that's a damn rare thing, and not really something that can be counted on.

So, the good times you had aren't worth anything any more, just because they're far away?

Not that they're not worth anything, but investing any more energy into the relationship seems incredibly pointless. Just putting energy down the drain, as far as I can see.

You don't have to wait for them to keep in touch. You can call, you can write, and, hell, you can visit. Plenty of people maintain close friendships over long distances, for example, my mother moved from upstate NY to Florida two and a half years ago and still talks to all her friends from NY, and not just messages on facebook.

Visiting Canada really isn't an option. I have neither time nor money to do so. And considering that all but one or two of my friendships seem pretty reliant on me to keep things moving, I think it's hardly likely that an amazing long-distance friendship will actually become a reality.

You're looking at this wrong. It's not five or ten years until you loose your friendships, it five to ten MORE years of good times, and happy memories. Its five to ten YEARS to make new friends. And don't forget, you don't have to loose those friendships when they move away.

As much as I try to ignore that impending solitude, it's always in the back of my mind. And keep in mind, that's 5-10 years until the LAST of them move away. The exodus has already begun.

[Soulstealer]

I hear you about friends. I was the kid who moved around a lot and had to say goodbye to friends. It made it hard to connect or bother to even want to when you assume that soon you have to move again and I didn't have any deep friendships. I've had to slowly learn to let go off that and learn that friendships can survive moves especially with the internet, skype, etc. It gets lonely otherwise, you want friendships and deep bonds but it hurts when people are gone.

[telecom_goddess]

I hear ya Joli....I was never socialized much as a kid and never learned how to make friends easily. And when I have made friends I've been burned by them either leaving, or me having to leave, or them turning on me and treating me like garbage. I"m kinda going through that now...I had made a sort of friend, kinda, at the apartment building I was in. Well I'm moving Sunday and plan to never be there again after next week so I will never see her again. SO neighbors for sure I don't want to get cozy with....society is so mobile and moving around so much that it doesn't seem worth it to me.