Seriously, Dad? This Needs To Stop. (VERY Long, venty, blood boiling)

[phantasy]

@IncognitoCook-Wow! I felt the same way when I left my house. I felt healthier, more confident. My aunt was a psycotic, controlling bitch that would fight with me about everything. Extremely racist, she hated that my now husband is latin.

@Ralerin- I have EDS too! Sorry, I just wanted to get that out.
My aunt told me the same thing- that the minute I step off the plane in South America, I would be kidnapped, raped, held for ransom and ultimately killed from the uneducated hoardes of savages that inhabit Lima, Peru. Have I experienced any of these? No.

I'm glad I have gotten out of my house. I'm now living with my husband at the ripe old age of 19, doing great and loving the fact that my aunt and I haven't traded one word since I've been here, about a year and a half.

My advice is harsh, so you probably shouldn't listen to me, but you didn't choose to be your father's daughter. Just becuase he is family does NOT mean that you have to be a part of his life. When you want to leave, simply leave. Nothing is holding you there. Just pack a bag, bring your money and head to whereever place in the world you want to. Just make sure you know the language :P

[ralerin]

@Phantasy-Cool! Well, not col as in "oh my god that's so cool that you're incurably ill" but cool as in "oh cool, you have the disease to and we can relate!" How bad is yours?

And I would pack my bags and bring my money except I have none to speak of. Want to lend me some? :P

[BookstoreEscapee]

As for your dad, without knowing him he may be scared of losing you, you could try to convince him that all he's doing is pushing you away.

This.

It's a controlling behavior-not healthy and actually considered a form of abuse..

Look at it this way-if BF was doing this stuff and not your father, would you put up with it?

And this.

He has the right to his opinion (as ill-informed as it may be)...you have the right to tell him to keep his mouth shut about it. You are an adult and he needs to respect that. If he doesn't approve, he should just shut up. Constantly haranguing you about it isn't helping his case any, and he's in for a rude awakening someday if he thinks that it is. Because even if things don't work out in the long run with the boyfriend, the damage your dad is doing to his relationship with you isn't going to magically fix itself just because the BF is out of the picture.

Stop letting him do this. Tell him you will not discuss it anymore. When he gets started on the subject, walk away. Don't let him engage you.

[ralerin]

Anyone have ideas on how I could break the news that I'm going to be spending some time at boyfriend's hotel?

[BookstoreEscapee]

Anyone have ideas on how I could break the news that I'm going to be spending some time at boyfriend's hotel?

"Mom, Dad, I'm going to be spending some time at boyfriend's hotel."

Or you could tell your mom and let her deal with your dad...

How old are you? Just wondering.

[Amina516]

"Mom, Dad, I'm going to be spending some time at boyfriend's hotel."

Or you could tell your mom and let her deal with your dad...

How old are you? Just wondering.

I agree. Dont make it a question. Make it a statement, with no room for arguement. Or, dont tell your dad @ all. What good would it do?

Theres been some good advice given. Use what you can, but ultimately, do what you have to do for you (and BF) to be happy.

[trailerparkmedic]

Sounds like your mom is on your side, or at least more understanding than dad. I would see if you could use her help when visiting your boyfriend. If you want to lie to your dad, maybe she can cover for you. If you're going to be honest, she might know how to break it to him.

[ralerin]

21, for whoever asked.

I've asked mum's permission already, she's fine with it. I was originally going to simply tell Dad anyway, I just need courage to do it before boyfriend comes (and reassurance that my original plan was good).

I'm a little worried that if I do, my Mac and all 3 externals might be smashed and/or so will boyfriend's ipad. I might hide them and bring said mac and ipad with me. I honestly wouldn't put it past him to destroy our computers.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I know it's easier said than done, but you need to get out of that house all together.

You're 21 years old; you shouldn't have to ask for permission to go anywhere.

And you seriously think he'd destroy your stuff? Not good. Like someone else said, if it was your boyfriend doing that sort of thing, would you put up with it?

The fact that you think he'd do that frightens me.

[Amina516]

Im with BSE. Get out if you can. Youre working..try and get out with a roomate, or even see if renting a room would work. Or other family. Not a healthy enviornment for you. Youre old enough to be able to decide what you want to do with your life (and who you want to do...lol.)

Save your stuff, and your sanity.

[42_42_42]

I hate to break it to you honey, but from what you have described, your father is emotionally and psychologically abusing you. This form of abuse is much more insidious than physical abuse because it doesn't leave visible wounds. The wounds from this type of abuse, however, take much, much longer to heal than do physical bruises.

You must leave your parents' home. You are an adult. I also urge you to seek counseling to help you deal with the years of abuse. Your college campus's women's center should be able to help you with both.

After you leave, I would suggest that you cut off all contact with your father, at least until your therapist feels that you are ready to confront/deal with him.

I've been to the UK, btw. It's a lovely place, with the added benefit of being a hop, skip, and a jump away from the Continent. They have some great publishing houses over there, too. You might want to look into some of the master's programs at UK universities, as well.

I really think you'd be happier over there. Your father will probably be easier to deal with when there's an ocean between you. If your mother wants to see her grandkids, there's nothing stopping her from getting on a plane. Their issues are no reason for you not to live your life.

[Der Cute]

Ralerin,

My dad is/was a control freak.
I was 19, had graduated HS, was working, living @ parents home.
I was told I couldn't go out at nite w/ friends and had to be home by midnight.
One night I didn't get home til oh, 6:30 am Saturday, and all hell broke loose.

I packed my bags and walked out that door. My mom was begging me to stay. I said no.
My dad had lied to me about access to meds, making it harder for me to plan how to get out.
He was very controlling and ridgid, his way or the highway, and taking a lot out on me.

That's ^^ the tail end of my living at home stuff.

But I've been there done that and was glad I walked out. I had to be humble for awhile, but I sure as hell used the ambition and drive I had to get my self into a better situation.

One piece of advice: Don't engage the crazy. Why go through the effort to tell your dad, "Hey, I'm going to go shag my BF now, kthxbye" ? He doesn't want to hear you, he doesn't want to accept the idea of his daughter now being an adult. (part of why he's being a turd, not all of it). Your dad just would need to know when you're leaving, the area you're going to , and when you should be back, estimate time wise. If for anything, safety. But as bent-out-of-shape your dad is, I'd not even engage the crazy.

I'd be saying, "Ok, love you guys, bye"
If he asks where you're going? "oh out with some friends."
What time will you be back? "Sometime on Sunday"
Why so late? "Oh wow, I have to go, my car's waiting. Bye!"

It seems you partially (just a wee bit) want to see what he's doing when you say X (wee bit of provocation). I used to do that - the child in me was still thinking "wow lets see how weird he gets heehee" before I put togther : provoking = crazy yelling = me unhappy = don't provoke. It's also natural, I did it too. But be more concious of what you say. (Again, don't engage the crazy)

And yes, leave the house. Get out soon. Having this kind of treatment for years wears you down, and it takes a long time to get over/away from it.

Cutenoob

[Eireann]

Those last two posts have nailed it.

You've been dealing with your father's abuse all your life, so it's not at all surprising that you think that this is the only way to live. It's not. You're old enough to live on your own, and this is what you must do.

Too many of us believe that we somehow owe our parents or family, and that no matter how badly they behave, we're supposed to put up with it, because "they're family". A family isn't determined by genetics; a family is a group of supportive, loving people. If your blood relatives don't fit that description, they aren't your family. You don't have to respect or put your blood relatives above others because of that genetic link.

Here's how it is: If you wouldn't put up with that behavior from someone who isn't related to you, don't put up with it from someone who is. We tend to make excuses for shitty behavior from our relatives, but we're only hurting ourselves by doing it.

Your father just isn't going to stop. Ever. And you don't owe him one single thing. You owe it to yourself to live a good, happy, healthy life, without people who live to abuse.

Easy? No. Worth it? HELL, YES. I had a somewhat similar experience last year, when I finally had it out with a blood relative. He'd been freezing me out for some years now, then accused me of doing something I didn't do. I explained to him what had really happened (and I didn't owe him any explanations), but he refused to believe me. I gave it to him, then; I told him flat out what he's doing, what he's become, and what an empty existence he really has.

We haven't spoken since, and this is all for the best. That's one more toxic person out of my life.

[Der Cute]

Those last two posts have nailed it.

Aww thanks

Too many of us believe that we somehow owe our parents or family, and that no matter how badly they behave, we're supposed to put up with it, because "they're family". A family isn't determined by genetics; a family is a group of supportive, loving people. If your blood relatives don't fit that description, they aren't your family. You don't have to respect or put your blood relatives above others because of that genetic link.

I think I'm going to take a sentence out of that paragraph and put it in my sig.
Family is not determined by genetics; a family is a group of supportive, loving people.
QFT.

Cutenoob

[ralerin]

I'm old enough to live on my own, but ask me if I make enough to make it possible? Ask me if I have a spare several thousand just to hop on a plane to wherever, US or international? I don't, I'm stuck here because I don't make enough at work. I don't even have a car because I don't earn enough. Mom promised me she'd help me get one just like she did with my brother, but then my fucking brother decided to run away from the scene of an accident, got a hefty bail and poof-there went my chances of getting a car because dad doesn't even have the money to pay mom for the work she does in the family food business (and my fucking brother doesn't see the need of paying her back). That was a couple years ago. Every spare cent I have has been going to pay for college; $50 every 2 weeks is going to pay for my eventual trip to the UK.

The thread took a nasty turn when I had people saying "abuse abuse abuse" at me, and I think you're utterly right. There is abuse. I'm taken for granted because I'm home all the time; when I'm not home I'm at work or school or hanging with Best Friend downtown somewhere via bus. If I don't jump to something right away, I get yelled at by whoever wants me there; called a jerk or a bitch or an idiot. Several times I got a whole routine from Dad that "you must really love being screamed at because you don't listen to us". No fucking duh I don't listen to you because I'm tired of being harassed. I hate looking people in the face, especially in the eye with a passion, I have to look away or down or anywhere except those goddamn eyes...

I've done counselling. I felt like I had NO right to be there, sharing my problems with a neutral stranger when there's other people who have got it so much worse than I do. I only went for a few sessions until the insurance stopped covering me when I turned 19. I've been attempting EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) in the past and it's been working for me for many, many things. I just hesitate to use it for issues pertaining to my family because I'm not ready to wade through that emotional muck.

Edit to add: I noticed something. Why is not ok for me to come home past 10 at night, not ok for me not to tell anyone where I'm going and not ok for me to spend my money on "useless crap" (I don't think the occasional crystal or oil or fairy statue is useless) but on his days off, brother is allowed to do whatever the fuck he wants, disappear for hours without telling anyone, come home smelling of drugs and whatnot? Is it because he works with autistic children by day and therefore he's considered "saintly"? I know boyfriend noticed how tense the atmosphere in my house was when he visited and how relaxed the atmosphere is in his house by comparison. At the same time, I'm honestly baffled that he says his house is so relaxed. What does he mean, that his parents don't scream or yell or throw abuse around? What is calmness? How can they live without abuse thrown around?