Seriously, Dad? This Needs To Stop. (VERY Long, venty, blood boiling)

[Mishi]

You shouldn't be feeling guilty, parents should do as much as they can afford for their kids. Then the children can pay it forward to their own children and to others that didn't get as much help.
It's his job, as your father, to build you up so that you will not tolerate abusive relationships with other men, so that you avoid all the potential problems he keeps pointing out.

[42_42_42]

Why can your brother get away with everything and you can't get away with anything? It's because you are the target child. It is sadly all to common for one child in the family to be abused while the other child(ren) are treated well (sometimes even spoiled).

You deserve to use whatever assistance is out there because you DO need it. Many of the programs out there are not tax-funded, but are funded by private donation. Use whatever means are at your disposal to GET OUT. Someone you know has a couch they'll let you crash on.

Your college will have FREE programs to help you out. Take advantage of them NOW. The women's center and the student counselling center are two places every college has available. It was my college's women's center that enabled me to free myself from my abusive fiance my sophomore year.

Therapy is always uncomfortable at the beginning, but if you don't stick with it, then it won't work. There is FREE and prorated therapy help in every state, in addition to the help your college can provide for you.

[Der Cute]

Sweety,

Your posts have made me relive my days of yore. It's good, to be honest, because, I"m proud of myself and my accomplishments in such a short amount of time.

When I walked out of the house at 19 years of age:
I had a trash bag with essential clothing in it
My meds
About $300 in the bank
A spine
And that's it.

I went to an ex-boyfriend's workplace, and he took me to the local shelters - they were all full.

I asked if he'd let me chat with his dad. Grudgingly, he agreed. The deal was this: I stayed at his dad's place, in the guest bedroom, and ate /showered there, but had a 6 week deadline to get a job, a place to live and my own stuff. His dad was all for that. I followed their rules about cleanup, but other than that? I was covered.

I found a job about 3 weeks in, got first paycheck, moved to a local apartment building (dorm style, brand new, lucked out there) and stayed there for about a year. I got on foodstamps and not much else. Honestly, there's more help for single moms than single people w/o kids. (but that's another story). Once I got out, I had to learn how to function on my own. It was ...different.

Honestly, the getting out/new place? Scary. I had to have FAITH in myself. When nothing else could be trusted. The straw that broke my camel's back was my parents having a hissy fit over me coming home late/early when my sister had been getting away with it for years. I finally just said, Fuck this, I will NOT take this anymore, and packed my bag and walked. I didn't have a plan when I left. THAT was the stupid part.

Your posts also remind me of this: you don't think you're WORTHY of helping/fixing/assistance. You've mentioned that "other people need it more than I" "why should I ask for assistance from state, other people need it more than I". The people that GET ASSISTANCE ARE THE ONES WHO ASK FOR IT. To ask, a person needs to have the drive.
Note - those 2 sentences are not "is the person worthy?"

You have so many resources out there, it's uncanny. Literally, school, work, here; there are so many people WANTING to help others who are truly in need. And to me, a person in need is a person who's sincerely asking for help.

I'm sorry if I'm not clear here. Please feel free to ask for clarification. But you must decide - CHOOSE - do you want to live with that atmosphere any more? Yes? No?
What are the pros and cons of living with your parents?

I think the cons outweigh, and I think yes, it would take a bit of an upheaval, but it's worth it. And doing so - getting out - may be rocky, yes, but it would be worth it.

Not living in fear = much healthier.

Cutenoob

[Amethyst Hunter]

Not living in fear = much healthier.

Take out a piece of paper. Better yet, an entire notebook. Get a permanent marker. They make them in lots of pretty colors now, too. Write the above sentence 100 times or as often as necessary until it sinks in.

To put it bluntly, your dad is an asshole. Racism and ignorance aside, he is manipulating the hell out of you and counting on that very sense of false guilt he instilled in you to keep you in what he thinks should be your place.

My dad - and my mom, on occasion - does the Same. Damn. Thing. The snapping point for me came this February when one of my beloved pets died, and I wasn't allowed to handle his passing the way I wanted, even though I had the money to pay for everything myself. (Long story.) I think a part of me died too then, but something else is taking its place: I am taking a hacksaw to my old fear and putting IT in its place once and for all. Because I'm fucking sick of living my life in fear.

Everyone else has said good things. Get out while you still have the energy to do so. Trust me, nothing drains you from living like fear. You don't need that poison. There are better things out there. You deserve better.

Good luck. You can do it.

[Andara Bledin]

My brother is a user, and I put up with a toxic homelife for far too long because I didn't want to go through the hassle of getting things together to get myself disentangled from that situation.

It took getting thrown out of the house we were renting for me to get away from him. And that cost me the majority of my worldly posessions, including one very, very important case of items I had been collecting since I was very young.

I can't tell you how much better my health is since I was forced out of that situation. I should have made the effort to get out much, much sooner.

^-.-^

[RootedPhoenix]

I've got no advice, but I've got loads of hugs and herb tea. *offers* Where you are is not a good place, but you have people who care about you.

Please don't give up on good stuff because your immediate family is being infuriating and nasty to you. Like I said, I've got no advice, but I do care about what happens to you. Be safe.

[Eireann]

One very important thing here is, abusers don't think the way the rest of us do.

You're knocking yourself out trying to understand your father's behavior. It's a waste of time. He does this because he's capable of it; he does it because he knows he can get away with it; he does it because this is who he is, and he will never change.

That guilt is just part of his manipulation. If he can get you to feel guilty, he can keep you under his thumb. Abusers are ALWAYS changing the rules to keep their victims off-base. They'll act sweet and kind one moment, then suddenly morph into something out of a horror movie. You've seen it happen at work; you've read about other people's experiences about it.

Going to counseling is your business and yours alone. Why should you care if other people find out? Why should it matter if they think you're "weird" because of it? Ignore them, if they do - but I think they'd be much more understanding than you think, especially if they know, or have met, your father.

You're still rejecting any and all advice that's coming to you, and it's damned good advice. I know it's easier to sit and complain rather than to take action, but you're only hurting yourself by doing it. MAKE time for yourself. MAKE time to improve your life. You're not going to wake up one morning and discover that someone has waved a magic wand that has turned your father into a caring human being, your brother into a decent and responsible man, your job into a high-paying, fulfilling career, and your life into something you really want to live. Only YOU can do that.

You don't want to live off the government's dime? You pay taxes to the government; you're only receiving what you have already given. Your taxes go to fund programs like these, remember that.

We were on welfare when I was a kid, and I don't regard it as being shameful in any way. We NEEDED that support, and we were able to support ourselves later. Yes, there are people out there who milk the system, and we've all read stories of them. And then there are those who use the programs because of genuine need, and there are far more of these people. Like you, if you finally decide to stop making excuses for the fact that you're living a life of sheer, unending misery. You CAN do a LOT about it, especially if you leave off with the "Yeah, but..." answers.

[ralerin]

I was originally going to brush off the advice given and continue with the "yeah but i have no money" type answers, until this morning's gem.

Now, Dad wants mom to go into my room, locate my passport and hide it so I can't go back to the UK with Boyfriend.

Tomorrow I will ask my coworkers who have them where and how they signed up for foodstamps. Not so sure about subsidized housing; however there's a hotline advertised on TV here that you can call or go on a website for advice. I will wait until end of May to implement any plans on that front, however; because I have graduation at the beginning, and boyfriend almost until the end of May.

And I will also seriously ask Best Friend if she can come along with me. She is in a similar situation except twice as bad: her mother is an alcoholic and her father is out of work and downright verbally abusive, much worse than Dad; has stolen her computer to use as his own; calls her "bitch" and "fatass" on a regular basis and makes her life hell. She would like to get out of her house, too, but like me she's at a loss.

Longer term plan: when I get out of school, I want to work at Aid of Rite full time while I update my resume and apply for jobs. That way, if I can start saving money for a car, even a crappy one, I won't have to rely on taxi/bus anymore.

[Mishi]

Woah, that's a major low! My mum wanted to do that to my sister just before her trip to Europe that she'd been working 14 hour days to finance, but our Dad stepped in and stopped her.
Definately see if your best friend can move out with you, it is safer to live with someone and the bills will be a bit easier to handle with two wages. See if both of you can get some sort of therapy so that you don't rely too much on each other for emotional support.

[Supermarket Slave Girl]

I really do hope you are able to move out with your friend, also I would hide your passport from your dad so that he doesn't go into your room looking for it, is there someone you can give it to for safe keeping?

Good luck with everything.

[phantasy]

My aunt found my passport in my room and went totally ballistic. She was furious becuase she's a control freak, and I got the passport by myself (I was 17) without her signature. (She loved when things needed her signature. That way, she could just blow it off. She did that with ALL of my college scholarship applications)

Get a safety deposit box, or keep it with Best Friend, or even put it in a locker at school. No matter where I hid my stuff in my room, my aunt would find it, even if she had to peel strips of wood up off the floor (she seriously thought I had hidden my stuff in the floor, when I actually put most of it in my work locker )

[Der Cute]

Phantasy's right, was just going to suggest saftey deposit box in bank.

Passsport, Birth cert, ssn card, and a few bucks, stashed there. And DONT tell people you're doing this!

cutenoob

[42_42_42]

Yes, absolutely get that passport, your birth cert, ss card and any thing else they might try to take hostage and get it out of the house. Either get a safety deposit box at a bank (don't go to the bank your parents use or to one they know you use) or have someone you trust hold onto them for you.

I know the end of schooling seems like the worst time to deal with this stuff. It was during my 2nd semester sophomore year finals that I delt with escaping my abusive fiance. It can be done.

[Sheldonrs]

Just someplace to compare stories. And it's not just Mother's:


http://www.motherinlawstories.com/mo...2010_04_09.htm

[Cookie]

@incognito: Not what? Feeling wise? I'm a bit confused.

Sorry. I was off for a couple of days. When you start thinking you're wise, it's a clue that you're not wise at all. That's what I meant.

And as for the difference between you and your brother, lived through that, too. There are double standards with boys and girls. At the age of 24, I still wasn't allowed to date, mom told me I wasn't "ready". My 16 year old brother got a gf at the same time with no opposition. I wasn't allowed to get my driver's license until I was 19. Couldn't drive by myself until 20. Couldn't drive out of town by myself until 21. At 17 he got his license. At 18, he lived 2 hours away with friends in a house they rented for the summer. Your family is not the only one. Especially in the conservative type circles you described.