Arrgh argh argh arrgh GAAAAARRRRGH!

[Der Cute]

Frustrated, is what that title is all about.

Frustration.

My BF and I have been living together for about 7 months now, and we have a 3 month old baby with us too. It's getting really really hard for me to hold my temper in, and I know why.

Post Partum Mood Disorder. The blanket diagnosis that covers Depression, Anxiety, OCD, PTSD and possible Psychosis.

I've had PPMD (diagnosed and fully aflame) since Mid March. We're now getting this fire worked on and stomped, but it's still a struggle. My anxiety picked up and ran like a squirrel on nutcrack, and my depression got heavier and worse than Eeyore after eating a bowling ball.

What is really pissing me off at the moment: my bf will not listen to me. Listen as in SHUT HIS TRAP and NOT MAKE ANY THOUGHTS while I'm speaking. It's bad enough to try and get ANY person to listen like that - it's really hard! But in my shoes, I'm pissy, frustrated, angry, short fused and have a guy who likes to talk over me interrupt me and start telling me I'm wrong and make assumptions all over the place. Now if THAT'S not enough to set me off....I don't know what is.

I'm trying to explain about the weird oddball symptoms of PPMD. One is that you don't make a decision easily. Example: What's for dinner? All you have left in the pantry is noodles and spaghetti sauce. You can't decide what to eat. Really - it's simple as PIE and you STILL cannot decide something that a fly could. I try telling my bf, "Yeah, this quiz was about the symptoms of PPMD. One question that's different about PPMD is 'Can you make a decision easily' " He starts going on, "well thats not different from depression because you cant decide wheter to get out of bed or not or to take a shower or not" . He starts talking OVER me before I'm done. He cant shut his trap to save a life!

I can't get him to listen to me about what I'm FEELING with this. He doesn't listen to me when I'm trying to talk - he interrupts me and derails the conversation, when I'm trying to point something out : depression is variable. Regular depression is different than PPMD.

Even worse he thinks he knows something and starts making statments like he DOES know what he's talking about and half the time it's bull. And he always has to be right and get you on technicalities. For gods sake THIS IS NOT A DEBATE.

Plus, I'm the mother of the child. What I say has a LOT to do with how he's being raised/handled. I feel like some of the time my thoughts are discarded/not respected. Baby's almost 3 mos. I think we ought to get a schedule/routine for him so that it's easier for him to fall asleep in the crib. BF says nah, I dont mind holding him. I try saying, "Uh, keep this up and he WON'T fall asleep in the crib by himself, he needs to learn this" and I get "No, I'm fine". Wait a damn minute.

I'll be back later, I need to feed the little guy.

Cutenoob

[r2cagle]

Lexipro saved my sanity. And stand firm on the kiddo falling asleep in the crib on his own. My soon to be 5 yr old is still in our bed, thanks to his daddy putting him to sleep by holding him. Uuggh. If you have to, let BF hold baby for 15 minutes, then take kiddo and put him in crib. Tell BF it's because you want quiet time with him .

[AnaKhouri]

If your BF doesn't want to put baby in the crib, let HIM get up every hour when the kid wakes up and realizes he's alone and starts wailing.

Is there any way you could get your doctor to explain the PPD to him? Since he won't listen to you, the person who's going through it, maybe a professional will impress him?

I feel for you. I had a touch of PPD after Khan was born, dark thoughts and some sadness, but nothing near as bad as what you're suffering. Good luck!

[Jangles the Moon Monkey]

You have my sympathy. I had Post Natal Depression after my son was born. What about writing a letter to your bf explaining how you feel? Do you feel up to standing up to him and saying 'this is what I want so this is how it's going to be' with regards to putting your son down for naps? Your bf really needs to understand just why it's important for your son to learn to fall asleep himself. Has he read any parenting books or be willing to read any?

I know I'm new but if there's anything I can do to help, even if it's just a PM ranting away or something, feel free to get in touch.

[trailerparkmedic]

Bring BF to your doctor/therapist/whoever you're seeing and have the doctor explain what you need and what he can expect. My parents COULD NOT understand that it was impossible for me to do certain things when I was depressed and that they needed to help me by doing specific tasks or even leaving me alone when I asked it. I could talk until I was blue in the face and they wouldn't get it, but when I asked my therapist to tell them the same things I'd been saying, something clicked and things got much better.

I'm not a parent, but I also say stand firm on putting the baby in the crib. A friend of mine was in a similar situation and it took her months to get the baby to fall asleep on his own. This might sound mean (I'm not trying to be mean) but an infant is like a dog--you need to train them in order for something to happen consistently. Right now BF is training baby to sleep in someone's arms and that's something that will eventually need to be untrained. Maybe explaining it like that will help BF?

Good luck with all the craziness right now.

[Magpie]

And then there's what happened with my husband when he was a toddler. Because they weren't leaving him to learn to fall asleep on his own, it eventually took TWO HOURS of him screaming at bedtime before he'd fall asleep.

You mention "boyfriend" rather than "fiance", so I don't know if you've had any couples counselling. Just a basic premarital run, but called something different. If you haven't, then you might want to consider some (perhaps not now). Even if you know all the communications tricks that they teach, I've found it really helpful to be able to say "hey, remember what they said at our premarital?" to my husband. Yes, he knew that stuff. Doesn't mean he always used it. And having an authority to refer to to say "you're doing it wrong" is more effective than "hey, can you please do this differently".

[Exaspera]

Bring BF to your doctor/therapist/whoever you're seeing and have the doctor explain what you need and what he can expect. My parents COULD NOT understand that it was impossible for me to do certain things when I was depressed and that they needed to help me by doing specific tasks or even leaving me alone when I asked it. I could talk until I was blue in the face and they wouldn't get it, but when I asked my therapist to tell them the same things I'd been saying, something clicked and things got much better.
Good luck with all the craziness right now.

Agree totally.

And y'all need to be on the same page regarding the handling of this baby. Eventually the kidlet will catch on and pit one of you against the other. It's time for the kidlet to sleep in his own crib, for starters. Good luck!

[Jangles the Moon Monkey]

I was just thinking in regards to the baby aspect, does your bf do anything else for your son, does he work a lot or anything like that? He might be looking at this time as his bonding time so get him to put your son down and sing him a song or read him a book instead and then your son goes down and your bf gets his time with him.

[Cia]

Plus, I'm the mother of the child. What I say has a LOT to do with how he's being raised/handled. I feel like some of the time my thoughts are discarded/not respected. Baby's almost 3 mos. I think we ought to get a schedule/routine for him so that it's easier for him to fall asleep in the crib. BF says nah, I dont mind holding him. I try saying, "Uh, keep this up and he WON'T fall asleep in the crib by himself, he needs to learn this" and I get "No, I'm fine". Wait a damn minute.

My DH was like that when our daughter was a baby, he'd take her to bed with him and let her fall asleep that way. I ended up having to be mean mommy and put her in her crib, all alone and defenseless - in her eyes, to fall asleep on her own. I swear it took a good month or two before she stopped crying. In between constantly forcing my DH to stop taking her to bed w/ him.

[Mishi]

Totally agree on the 'crib-training'! I felt really guilty about trying controlled-crying with our eldest but my DH put his foot down and insisted on trying it when she was 6 months old. We now have a 3 year old that mostly stays in her own bed except for when she has nightmares. Our 16 month old has been pretty good about bedtime, but is currently being stubborn, so down to 1 min of crying before she gives up.

You're the mum, you have a little more of a say about the upbringing as you're currently the primary carer. You're also the one with a health issue, so you get to make rules that make the house run smoother. Try to be a little flexible with your routine though and try not to get stressed if it takes a while to find a schedule that works for your family. Good luck!

[BookstoreEscapee]

BF needs to understand that it's not about what he wants or minds, it's about what the baby needs.

My boss has a ~7 week old, and they just got the mattress for his crib. He's been sleeping in a little infant bed that's meant to go in between mom and dad, and hooks onto the mattress, but he's started squirming halfway out the foot end during the night. He doesn't like sleeping in the Pack n' Play thingy, Boss thinks because he can't see out of it. So hopefully he'll like the crib better.

[Aut]

Something I learned back went I went through my PPD hell: Guys are fixers. That's what our therapist said. I was miserable and always in tears and the man was always asking me what was wrong and I couldn't tell him. I didn't even know myself. Then he would get irritated and even upset because it wouldn't stop. After the incident, we started going to counseling and the therapist was able to make that communication between both of us. All the man could see what that there was a problem, and as a guy, he automatically wanted to fix it, but he couldn't and him getting upset over it made it worse.

I second going to see a therapist. Parenting is hard, even when there's two of you, and especially when you are dealing with the things you are. And it's hard to communicate effectively when you are both so emotional invested the matter, and a therapist is the unbiased middle man. A lot of times it's hard to listen to the other when you are so upset. Your ears are closed and you're too busy thinking of what you're going to say next. Sounds like that's what the boyfriend is doing. And unless he's had depression, PMDD, anxiety, etc., he cannot understand what you are feeling. The man didn't understand my depression. For years he would tell me to just smile and it would be better. Now he's studying psychology and shares with me all this stuff he's learning and I want to smack him over the head with a frying pan because 1) I already know this stuff FROM EXPERIENCE, and 2) he didn't learn anything after all the counseling after the incident?

[Der Cute]

Something I learned back went I went through my PPD hell: Guys are fixers. That's what our therapist said. <snip>
I second going to see a therapist. <snip> The man didn't understand my depression.

Well, thanks . I know men are fixers- and strangely enough so am I. I'm also under a therapist's care, we're using talk therapy and meds to get this crap straightened out.

What I really really despise is him thinking that PPD = Depression. It's not. It's different. It still IS depression, but it has different characteristics. Can anyone say exactly why it starts? No. Factors include: High stress, previous mental illness, socio-economic status, amount of social support in place, age, and thyroid.

But he doesn't believe me, when I tell him that PPD!=Depression. I try to explain it and he starts talking over me and making assumptions. /headdesk.

He is a good dad. I am concerned he'll spoil the kid, by being a kid himself and not being a "parent". I"m concerned that I'll be the Evil Mommy and he'll be King Cool Dad. Trying to get these through right now is a waste of time. I need to focus on me.

Which, I am doing. I feel so much better now than I have in a long time. It's still not over yet, I can tell.

Cutenoob