Oh God I am the worst.

[Hellzar]

I just need to get some things off my chest. Please understand that I am not trying to be an attention whore I just want to rant to people who don't know me at all.

I graduated from Edinboro Univeristy with a BA in anthropology in December 2009. Since then I have been trying to complete some applications to grad school. I say complete because I have this choking debilitating fear of failing and not getting in. I know what you are thinking "But Hellzar you are only truly failing by not taking any chances" or something like that but its more than that, if I don't get in any where then I have proof that I am a loser and everyone who has encouraged me and helped me will be able to see on paper that I am not good enough. And it is just hard for me to get over the fact that there is the smallest possibility that my family and fiance will think negatively of me because of this.

One of my old professors has been helping me get my letter of intent together for some time now. She has told me that while she is willing to give me a letter of reference it will not be 100% positive because my interests are all over the place and she does not feel that I have improved my last 2 years of school and that in some respects my ability has declined but she was still willing to help me. Today she has e-mailed me basically telling me that she has given me more than a fair amount of feed back and that it is time to cut the apron strings. She is right of course but now I am worried that she will not be willing to give me any kind of reference letter. I e-mailed her and told her she was right and asked her about her willingness to still provide a reference letter. So I will know in a couple of weeks. I think I am over reacting though, I hope.

Also can not afford an apartment for me and my fiance yet. I have been trying to get a better paying job but no luck there and he is strictly against me getting a second job even until he gets his web design business going. I hate working now because I know I can not afford a place for us to live.

Uhh I am so sick of myself. I feel like I can't do anything right. I have been procrastinating on a research paper I picked up from a field school and I don't even know if my ideas for it are any good as my partners have not gotten back to me yet. Blaugh, Blaugh.
Well thank you for your time

[RetailWorkhorse]

You're not the worst. I have a friend that graduated Pharm school and she's flipping out about her path in life (she wants to be an artist/writer and her father flat out said he wasn't paying for her to go to art school....she's Korean and says her father is the stereotypical Korean). She was in college/Pharm school for 5 years (meanwhile I'm still a drifter).

You just assurance.

*Pats*

You're good. Even if you didn't get into Grad school no one would think badly of you and if they DID then they aren't worth your time (...don't ask me how Fiance would feel about it, I SUCK at relationship stuff).

[Plaidman]

Let me give you one bit of advice from someone who knows. Oh, and Listen to when Jester posts. He knows what he is talking about.


I know that fear. I feel that fear. I've felt everyday since I was a child, because everyone was always better at me at everything I've ever even tried. During group projects, I was turned down by my /peers/ for having stupid ideas, even if one of them later suggested the same idea and the rest would do that for it being a great idea. I always had the worst grades, no friends, no money, everything I've ever done I've failed at completly and uttery, from school, relationships both romantic and friendly, business and all that.

So why try? I oftened wondered that. I can tell you that I've tried others things, and people were happy with that failure. I can tell you if I have succeded at that, it be the last thing I ever was succussful at, and my family would be grieving at my death. (Assuming anyways).

You are a succuss though. By just being you. You have a fiancee. Those are freaking impossible at times, and she loves you. You had a teachers that were trying to help you for as long as possible, (and I'm more thenn willing to take a billion dollar bet that she WILL help you with that cover letter)

Life does give alot of people alot of curve balls. But as hard as it seems, you do just have to bit the bullet and take it. Even if it means fear. I know it's scary. I know its terrifying.

When I started work, I was horrible. I wasn't sleeping. I was scared every single monent while I was working that I'd do something minor and be fired, or worst thrown in jail or something. But I got better at it. I was one of the best employees my first two managers ever had. I even changed the viewpoint of my second manager that teenagers are capable of working, and not just a bunch of drug users that steal from the store and let their friends do whatever they wanted while at work.

I even managed to learn that I was something. I was smarter then alot of people then I ever gave myself credit for.

Later, I finally got the nerve, and askeds girls out more, even though I was a target in school and made fun of and turned down. I was turned down. ALOT. Boy was I turned down.

I did meet someone though, and we did have a short relationship. It was my first, and it will be something I'll always remember. I wasn't good at it though. At all. But I can at least take it as a learning experence.

School.

My bane. Something I always failed at. I was beaten in school. Few teachers liked me, and most wouldn't give me the time of day, because of my constant asking to clarfy something drove enough to insanity, that they told met o ask my peers. No peer would talk to me, so I just learned to be quiet and enjoy the greatness that were my F's.

But I went back to school. I was scared. I was very scared because I will be paying for it. I knew that I was going to fail. I knew I would be ridiculed, and it be a waste of time, and everyone would hate me.

I was so scared that I just didn't want to deal with that fear, pain, and laughter of my failure. Even though I had a near perfect score on my entrance exam. So I took alot of painkillers. Sleep aids. I did sleep. Alot. I missed the morning oreitation. But I took it as a sign to just stop doing that, and go to class.

I went to night oritation. Halfway through I had to leave and throw up in the hallway. Told a teacher. And sat through the rest.

I wanted the train to smash me to obvlion. I knew I was going to fail at this school. I knew that no teacher would answer my questions, and the class would be full of bullies that torture me.


Guess what? I got perfect scores last term, and my teachers tell me that there is a very very good chanec I'll have straight A's again this term. I do my schoolwork. I study harder then ever. I have friends. I even have a girl that kinda wants to date me.

It's very scary. Life. That fear of failure that is so overcoming everything. It takes over your life. It really really does, and I can't say that it goes away. I experence everyday still.

But I bite the bullet and go through with it. I have too. It's very scary, makes me want to die alot and just not deal with this fear of life.

But so far, alot has been going right. I have to take it as a sign.

I know it's not something you can relax, but realize that hey, it could go bad, really really bad, but it can also go through right. If it does go wrong, then you try again. You learn from those mistakes, so you don't do it again the way you did it hte first time.

You will succeed. Every failure gives you more experence, to do it better and better each time.

[r2cagle]

Deep breath....:hugs:

It'll be okay. You know that. It's okay to be stressed and worried and fearful.... just don't allow yourself to wallow in that too much. As you can attest, it's paralyzing.

Get out and get some exercise... endorphins will help boost your mood and gives you good thinking time. In fact, I would say don't think about any stressful things until you're exercising.. just block it all out until that time. A good mile or two walk gives you lots of time to think things over.