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I am living in the same apartment complex that I've been in for almost five years. And I just signed a new yearlong lease. And it was easily the most ridiculous thing I have ever signed, and one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read.
Mr. Anti-Social and I had to sign it approximately 17 different times. And initial it in 38 different places. No, I am not kidding. I have no idea how many pages it was, but walking from my apartment to the front office, I had to switch hands holding it periodically due to shoulder strain. Shit, all that signing and initialing, Mr. Anti-Social and I are worried we may have developed carpal tunnel syndrome. And while defending it from some of my questions, the Nit Wits currently running the place (it seems to change often) actually told me that it was just a few pages shy of what one would sign to buy a house. One small problem: I am not buying a fucking house. I am just renting a fucking apartment. This was by far the most voluminous and ridiculous lease to date, vastly dwarfing last year's idiocy both in size and stupidity.
Although the policy was ignored after only a few weeks, once again in the lease it says we cannot back into parking spots. When asked about this, the one Nit Wit told me that this policy is not being enforced at our complex, since our spots are rather tight. She has been here a little while, so she's starting to understand things down here somewhat. Another one of the Nit Wits, though, who has been on this island by her own admission all of three days tried to defend this stupid policy, once again citing that crap that I heard last year that backing into a spot is "a sign of gang activity." I don't doubt that gangbangers may back into parking spots. I also don't doubt that they may comb their hair, grab their crotch, cut their steak with a knife, pee standing up, drink beer, lie to their mothers, and throw out their junk mail. I do all these things, too, but that doesn't make me a fucking gang member putting out a "signal" that I am selling drugs or pimping ho's. This is not even ridiculous. To quote Adam Corolla, this is ricockulous.
They had a paragraph we had to initial concerning the spa and whirlpool. Small problem: no spa, no whirlpool. I know that these leases are generic leases done by main company for all their properties, but please, some fucking common sense, please. At least THIS year they didn't have a clause concerning snow removal like they did last year. (It has never snowed in Key West, and the coldest recorded temperature here was 41F, so it is rather unlikely that it ever will.)
The lease "requires" us to have renter's insurance. The Nit Wits informed us that we can get that for "only" $150 a year. Great. For that money, I can fix either of the things wrong with my truck that I want to get fixed. To be fair to the Nit Wits, they did say they were merely "strongly suggesting" that everyone get it, and they weren't going to get up in our grill about it. I looked into renter's insurance a while back. Not only is it a waste of money in my opinion (considering what we possess, that is, not for everyone), but the companies I called said they would call me back....and never did. Fuck them and fuck their scam.
Speaking of grills, they are not allowed at this property. Period. Okay, I can see that, but whatever.
We had to sign a thing about pets. We don't have pets. If we had one or were getting one, fine, make us sign this or that. But we don't. So piss off.
The pool is only open certain hours, and after that, it is locked. Okay, I get the fact that there are noise complaints and what have you. But if someone wants to go for a late night swim--say they work in a bar or keep odd hours--and they are paying rent, and they are quiet, fuck it, let them. If people are causing trouble, then deal with them, too. And by the way, when they seriously look me in the eye and tell me that I have to have a "pool pass" they issued us whenever I am in the pool area, I say get fucking real. Bitch, please.
To their credit, they did wink and nod when I asked about the "no alcohol in the pool area" rule. As long as it's in plastic, not glass, and I'm not being an ass, that's fine. Great, I'm down with that, that's the way Key West is in general. But when they start explaining the "prohibition" by telling me kids go to the pool? Seriously? No shit. What, you think that by allowing reasonably alcohol consumption by reasonable adults in the pool area you are suddenly going to see those reasonable people handing Cuervo shots out to the toddlers? Get real. Cuervo is for the junior high schoolers.
My favorite part of the lease, the part I really detested, though, was one I thought was a typo. Now, you would think that if you signed a "one year lease," it would be for, I dunno, one year? No, not with these geniuses. My "one year lease" goes for 11 months and ten days. It starts on the 1st day of the 1st month but ends on the 11th day of the 12th month, not on the last day like you would think. Why? Because, the Nit Wits told me, they are trying to avoid having everyone who moves out doing so at the same time, so they are staggering the lease endings. So if we decide to not renew the lease next year (and we have to give them 60 days notice if we decide not to, incidentally), we have to be out by the end of the 11th of that last month. No, they aren't charging us full rent (it would be pro-rated), but seriously, you run an apartment complex. People move out, you turn the place over, you re-rent it. It's. What. You. DO. So do it and stop whining and doing stupid shit like this. You offer me a twelve month lease, I want a fucking lease that goes for twelve months. Call me crazy--and many do--but that seems to be just honest to me.
Sadly, apparently I am the first person to question these and other things in the Opus Leasus. Hell, apparently I am one of the only people to actually READ the fucking lease. But as I told the Nit Wits, my parents taught me to always read anything before I sign it. They also taught me to always count my change, and I always do, no matter what the situation. Hell, I trust my roommates, and I still count the money when they hand me rent. Maybe they screwed up--how do I know if I don't count? Same thing with reading the lease.
Okay, I am done ranting now. I would rant further, buy my hands are still sore from signing and initialing the tome that is my lease.
Ricockulous.
Mr. Anti-Social and I had to sign it approximately 17 different times. And initial it in 38 different places. No, I am not kidding. I have no idea how many pages it was, but walking from my apartment to the front office, I had to switch hands holding it periodically due to shoulder strain. Shit, all that signing and initialing, Mr. Anti-Social and I are worried we may have developed carpal tunnel syndrome. And while defending it from some of my questions, the Nit Wits currently running the place (it seems to change often) actually told me that it was just a few pages shy of what one would sign to buy a house. One small problem: I am not buying a fucking house. I am just renting a fucking apartment. This was by far the most voluminous and ridiculous lease to date, vastly dwarfing last year's idiocy both in size and stupidity.
Although the policy was ignored after only a few weeks, once again in the lease it says we cannot back into parking spots. When asked about this, the one Nit Wit told me that this policy is not being enforced at our complex, since our spots are rather tight. She has been here a little while, so she's starting to understand things down here somewhat. Another one of the Nit Wits, though, who has been on this island by her own admission all of three days tried to defend this stupid policy, once again citing that crap that I heard last year that backing into a spot is "a sign of gang activity." I don't doubt that gangbangers may back into parking spots. I also don't doubt that they may comb their hair, grab their crotch, cut their steak with a knife, pee standing up, drink beer, lie to their mothers, and throw out their junk mail. I do all these things, too, but that doesn't make me a fucking gang member putting out a "signal" that I am selling drugs or pimping ho's. This is not even ridiculous. To quote Adam Corolla, this is ricockulous.
They had a paragraph we had to initial concerning the spa and whirlpool. Small problem: no spa, no whirlpool. I know that these leases are generic leases done by main company for all their properties, but please, some fucking common sense, please. At least THIS year they didn't have a clause concerning snow removal like they did last year. (It has never snowed in Key West, and the coldest recorded temperature here was 41F, so it is rather unlikely that it ever will.)
The lease "requires" us to have renter's insurance. The Nit Wits informed us that we can get that for "only" $150 a year. Great. For that money, I can fix either of the things wrong with my truck that I want to get fixed. To be fair to the Nit Wits, they did say they were merely "strongly suggesting" that everyone get it, and they weren't going to get up in our grill about it. I looked into renter's insurance a while back. Not only is it a waste of money in my opinion (considering what we possess, that is, not for everyone), but the companies I called said they would call me back....and never did. Fuck them and fuck their scam.
Speaking of grills, they are not allowed at this property. Period. Okay, I can see that, but whatever.
We had to sign a thing about pets. We don't have pets. If we had one or were getting one, fine, make us sign this or that. But we don't. So piss off.
The pool is only open certain hours, and after that, it is locked. Okay, I get the fact that there are noise complaints and what have you. But if someone wants to go for a late night swim--say they work in a bar or keep odd hours--and they are paying rent, and they are quiet, fuck it, let them. If people are causing trouble, then deal with them, too. And by the way, when they seriously look me in the eye and tell me that I have to have a "pool pass" they issued us whenever I am in the pool area, I say get fucking real. Bitch, please.
To their credit, they did wink and nod when I asked about the "no alcohol in the pool area" rule. As long as it's in plastic, not glass, and I'm not being an ass, that's fine. Great, I'm down with that, that's the way Key West is in general. But when they start explaining the "prohibition" by telling me kids go to the pool? Seriously? No shit. What, you think that by allowing reasonably alcohol consumption by reasonable adults in the pool area you are suddenly going to see those reasonable people handing Cuervo shots out to the toddlers? Get real. Cuervo is for the junior high schoolers.
My favorite part of the lease, the part I really detested, though, was one I thought was a typo. Now, you would think that if you signed a "one year lease," it would be for, I dunno, one year? No, not with these geniuses. My "one year lease" goes for 11 months and ten days. It starts on the 1st day of the 1st month but ends on the 11th day of the 12th month, not on the last day like you would think. Why? Because, the Nit Wits told me, they are trying to avoid having everyone who moves out doing so at the same time, so they are staggering the lease endings. So if we decide to not renew the lease next year (and we have to give them 60 days notice if we decide not to, incidentally), we have to be out by the end of the 11th of that last month. No, they aren't charging us full rent (it would be pro-rated), but seriously, you run an apartment complex. People move out, you turn the place over, you re-rent it. It's. What. You. DO. So do it and stop whining and doing stupid shit like this. You offer me a twelve month lease, I want a fucking lease that goes for twelve months. Call me crazy--and many do--but that seems to be just honest to me.
Sadly, apparently I am the first person to question these and other things in the Opus Leasus. Hell, apparently I am one of the only people to actually READ the fucking lease. But as I told the Nit Wits, my parents taught me to always read anything before I sign it. They also taught me to always count my change, and I always do, no matter what the situation. Hell, I trust my roommates, and I still count the money when they hand me rent. Maybe they screwed up--how do I know if I don't count? Same thing with reading the lease.
Okay, I am done ranting now. I would rant further, buy my hands are still sore from signing and initialing the tome that is my lease.
Ricockulous.
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