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..It pours!
Now in new EMO Flavor!
I have been very depressed lately. More so than I have been in YEARS. So I apologize now for this post... it will be emotionally slanted I am sure since it is two in the morning and I have been crying for the last....three hours?.... yeah... it has been three. But I really need to get it off my chest because there is absolutely NO ONE here I can talk to about it and I am seriously worried about self destructing if I keep it bottled up too much longer.
The Beau got really sick a while back. Horrible nasal infection that turned into walking pneumonia because he wouldn't go to the doctors and kept going back to work before it got better. When we finally did get him to the doctors they told him that he had to stay home, in bed, for at LEAST a week, absolute minimum or it could turn into something really really bad and he would end up on a ventilator. They sent the note to his work... but his work apparently no longer accepts doctors notes for anything other than dread diseases ((so basically unless it is cancer you are fucked!)) But he had to miss the time anyway because of how sick he was... so he got in trouble for that. Meanwhile I am freaking out because I am supposed to be the sickly one. In all our years together I think the Beau has gotten sick like... twice? Me... I get sick every year...three or four times a year. I panicked. But I got over it.
He finally has to go back to work... but his work wasn't providing sanitation for their headsets ((like they are required to)).. .so every time he would be back for a few days he suffered a relapse. So he was missing more time that he was working...and we weren't making any kind of money. So I started looking for part time work... which I still haven't found.
We had to beg money from our parents to make rent.
....Then this month he got fired.
So now I am losing it. We have exactly 2 weeks and 3 days to come up with $350 or we lose our lease and get evicted from our apartment. Even if we both landed a job RIGHT now we wouldn't get paid enough or on time.
To add to that... my mother...whom I love... is being terrible insensitive.
In a moment of motherly love while I was on the verge of tears while visiting her she said... "Well, if you lose your place you can always come live with me again. Of course just you. The Beau would have to move back down to Cali with his family, I don't want to take him in. And you would have to get rid of your ferrets and the cat."
I said, oh yeah cause that is going to happen. and she said "I know it isn't what you want, but you need to be ready to say good bye to them. Life is tough."
I cried all the way home.
SERIOUSLY? You would let me come live with you on the condition that I give up EVERYTHING I love? The man I have lived with for the last 4 years, who I plan on marrying when money isn't so tight, my pets who are as close to children as I will probably ever come to have, who have gotten me though more shit that anyone/thing.
Not likely.
So now I am trying to get a loan though my bank... go in debt...but at least we could keep on living....
I am so fucking stressed. I don't even know how to write down half of what is piled on me. I'm just feeling trapped and helpless. I quit my job to go back to school at The Beau's urging, he promised me that I could finish my degree and not worry about work till I was done. And I know it isn't his fault that he got sick and I am not mad... but I wish I had just stuck it out and put off school. It's like I regret going back every day because this is where it got us, but if I don't finish soon, then all the requirements are going to change again and it is going to be HELL to get it all done later.
I haven't been sleeping because I am so worried about everything, I lay down and just toss and turn and can't fall asleep... so I am tired all the time. My stomach is always upset lately... I can't seem to want to keep food down... if I even feel hungry at all... so I have been losing weight like crazy. I can't seem to relax at all, so I am constantly in pain from being so tense. It feels like all I do is cry all day.
I'm just so utterly disappointed in life right now. I feel like all these years I have invested my time and my heart to being there for everyone around me. How many people I have known that I helped dig out of their shit storms... that I lent money to, that I let crash on my couch or made dinner for or even just lent a shoulder to cry on. How many! Too many. I love helping people, it makes me feel like I am alive. And yet when I am there.... when I am the one who needs help, or a shoulder to cry on... everyone fucking abandons me. There is no one. I feel absolutely alone. I find myself, when I actually can fall asleep, just hoping that I won't wake up in the morning. And then I feel angry at myself for thinking like that...and then I feel even MORE depressed.
...I'm lost, I'm normally an optimistic person...I can usually find things to motivate myself with easily... but I can't now. I just feel like giving up, throwing in the towel and saying "You win, life. You win. I'm done." I honestly can't see how we are going to get out of this... I am normally to stubborn to give up and quit trying... but I just don't have the will to fight anymore. I've been calling and e-mailing the local charities, but as we all know this is a hard time for everyone... no one has been able to help yet.
I'm sorry for the length... and I am sorry for the "Woe is Me".... but I needed to get it out... there is no one here for me to talk to and for some reason just writing it in my diary isn't working right now...
I'm just going to go curl up and cry for a bit longer and hope that the sun rise is beautiful this morning and doesn't bring more pain.
Now in new EMO Flavor!
I have been very depressed lately. More so than I have been in YEARS. So I apologize now for this post... it will be emotionally slanted I am sure since it is two in the morning and I have been crying for the last....three hours?.... yeah... it has been three. But I really need to get it off my chest because there is absolutely NO ONE here I can talk to about it and I am seriously worried about self destructing if I keep it bottled up too much longer.
The Beau got really sick a while back. Horrible nasal infection that turned into walking pneumonia because he wouldn't go to the doctors and kept going back to work before it got better. When we finally did get him to the doctors they told him that he had to stay home, in bed, for at LEAST a week, absolute minimum or it could turn into something really really bad and he would end up on a ventilator. They sent the note to his work... but his work apparently no longer accepts doctors notes for anything other than dread diseases ((so basically unless it is cancer you are fucked!)) But he had to miss the time anyway because of how sick he was... so he got in trouble for that. Meanwhile I am freaking out because I am supposed to be the sickly one. In all our years together I think the Beau has gotten sick like... twice? Me... I get sick every year...three or four times a year. I panicked. But I got over it.
He finally has to go back to work... but his work wasn't providing sanitation for their headsets ((like they are required to)).. .so every time he would be back for a few days he suffered a relapse. So he was missing more time that he was working...and we weren't making any kind of money. So I started looking for part time work... which I still haven't found.
We had to beg money from our parents to make rent.
....Then this month he got fired.
So now I am losing it. We have exactly 2 weeks and 3 days to come up with $350 or we lose our lease and get evicted from our apartment. Even if we both landed a job RIGHT now we wouldn't get paid enough or on time.
To add to that... my mother...whom I love... is being terrible insensitive.
In a moment of motherly love while I was on the verge of tears while visiting her she said... "Well, if you lose your place you can always come live with me again. Of course just you. The Beau would have to move back down to Cali with his family, I don't want to take him in. And you would have to get rid of your ferrets and the cat."
I said, oh yeah cause that is going to happen. and she said "I know it isn't what you want, but you need to be ready to say good bye to them. Life is tough."
I cried all the way home.
SERIOUSLY? You would let me come live with you on the condition that I give up EVERYTHING I love? The man I have lived with for the last 4 years, who I plan on marrying when money isn't so tight, my pets who are as close to children as I will probably ever come to have, who have gotten me though more shit that anyone/thing.
Not likely.
So now I am trying to get a loan though my bank... go in debt...but at least we could keep on living....
I am so fucking stressed. I don't even know how to write down half of what is piled on me. I'm just feeling trapped and helpless. I quit my job to go back to school at The Beau's urging, he promised me that I could finish my degree and not worry about work till I was done. And I know it isn't his fault that he got sick and I am not mad... but I wish I had just stuck it out and put off school. It's like I regret going back every day because this is where it got us, but if I don't finish soon, then all the requirements are going to change again and it is going to be HELL to get it all done later.
I haven't been sleeping because I am so worried about everything, I lay down and just toss and turn and can't fall asleep... so I am tired all the time. My stomach is always upset lately... I can't seem to want to keep food down... if I even feel hungry at all... so I have been losing weight like crazy. I can't seem to relax at all, so I am constantly in pain from being so tense. It feels like all I do is cry all day.
I'm just so utterly disappointed in life right now. I feel like all these years I have invested my time and my heart to being there for everyone around me. How many people I have known that I helped dig out of their shit storms... that I lent money to, that I let crash on my couch or made dinner for or even just lent a shoulder to cry on. How many! Too many. I love helping people, it makes me feel like I am alive. And yet when I am there.... when I am the one who needs help, or a shoulder to cry on... everyone fucking abandons me. There is no one. I feel absolutely alone. I find myself, when I actually can fall asleep, just hoping that I won't wake up in the morning. And then I feel angry at myself for thinking like that...and then I feel even MORE depressed.
...I'm lost, I'm normally an optimistic person...I can usually find things to motivate myself with easily... but I can't now. I just feel like giving up, throwing in the towel and saying "You win, life. You win. I'm done." I honestly can't see how we are going to get out of this... I am normally to stubborn to give up and quit trying... but I just don't have the will to fight anymore. I've been calling and e-mailing the local charities, but as we all know this is a hard time for everyone... no one has been able to help yet.
I'm sorry for the length... and I am sorry for the "Woe is Me".... but I needed to get it out... there is no one here for me to talk to and for some reason just writing it in my diary isn't working right now...
I'm just going to go curl up and cry for a bit longer and hope that the sun rise is beautiful this morning and doesn't bring more pain.
and an imaginary bowlful of Dark Chocolate Mudcake with lovely cold whipped cream. I really hope you can work it all out, that's a helluva lot of stress in such a short time.
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