I'm About To Throw A Tantrum Over Flowers For My Wedding

[trailerparkmedic]

More specifically, I'm about to throw a tantrum because I DO NOT WANT FLOWERS.

Fiance and I are getting married next month. We've been living together for 3 years and neither of us really equates marriage with any religious thing. We have no interest in spending gobs of time or money on a wedding so we are looking forward to our very simple justice of the peace plan. I told everyone that I'm not wearing white, he's not wearing a tux and we don't want any fuss.

It took me 3 weeks to convince my mom that I didn't want any flowers. Not fresh, not silk, not a bouquet, not a corsage, not "just a few." I actually had to enlist my aunt's help to convince my mom that I really wanted a super simple ceremony.

So now, with 3 weeks to go, my future MIL has decided to start bugging me about flowers. I told her we want to do simple and we're not interested in flowers. She told me she'd be happy to take care of anything. I told her again that while I appreciated the offer, I don't want flowers. She just emailed me again to suggest a corsage. I DON'T WANT FLOWERS. I don't know how much clearer I can make this.

The sad thing is that normally I'm really good at handling my crazy future MIL (mostly by ignoring her existance). I'm just angry that she is trying to get around Fiance cutting her out of most things by trying to get me involved. I'm also stressed beyond belief with work and don't have the time or patience to tell people "No" in 10 different ways.

Thanks for listening to my tantrum.

[Magpie]

Have you considered having flowers for everyone but yourself, since you have someone offering to pay? Flowers were one of the biggest headaches. I'm pulling for you on this one, and will enjoy a flower-free wedding vicariously through you!

[shankyknitter]

I found (back when ex and I were planning our wedding) that saying 'Thanks for the offer but we've already got it taken care of' really helped out. Since the person offering assumed that someone else offered before, or that we've figured it out ourselves.

Its not a lie since you have it taken care of. you don't want any. Thus taken care of.

[MaggieTheCat]

saying 'Thanks for the offer but we've already got it taken care of' really helped out.

That's a great idea...although just be prepared to answer any followup questions that may come with it, like, "Oh, what color theme are you going with?" or "Where are you getting them done?"

My husband and I eloped. We decided one weekend to get married the following weekend. We told our parents the day before the actual "ceremony." They were not invited, largely for this reason. I understand wanting to have family involved in such a big (big as in going to change your life, not big as in a lot of people) event, but jeez...I'm really glad we didn't get our parents involved. I just spent a few days with my MIL and she's a PITA (see my thread on Fratching for details) and I have no doubt she would have tried to control everything about the ceremony if we had told her about it more than 24 hours in advance. Good luck with keeping your wedding small and simple!

[iradney]

"No thank you, we have made up our minds as to what WE want at OUR wedding"
Not exactly polite, but hell, if people are still bugging you after you've politely stated what you have planned for your wedding, maybe a little forthrightness will bring them down to earth.

[Jester]

I have some experience and some insight into this that might help out.

When Lil Sis got married, I was bound and determined to do something for her.

"Can I pay for the DJ?" No. They did not want a DJ.
"Can I pay for the flowers?" No. They had the flowers covered.

Well, fuck. I wanted to do SOMETHING. "You sure you don't want a DJ or flowers?" No, and taken care of. "What about food?" Taken care of through the restaurant hosting the event.

"Well, shit, Sis, what DO you want for your wedding that you don't have taken care of? What would make it better?" Well, she wanted to invite more people that she could afford to cover. Her budget was $2,000. "Would $500 cover the difference?" Wait, what? Could I do that? "You're my only sister. If that would be the difference between you having an okay wedding and the wedding you want, of course I could do it." Cool.

So I increased Lil Sis's wedding budget by 25%, she was happy, he was happy, I was happy.

In essence, people just want to feel like they've helped and/or contributed. So if there is something they CAN do or fund other than the obvious things that you already have taken care of, let them know. Writing my sister that check was one of the greatest moments of my life, because I knew that I was making ta difference, allowing her to have everyone she really wanted to be there to be there.

So just remember, MIL is just trying to help. Give her something she can help with, stress the fact that you don't want flowers, and she will almost certainly attack the task you present her with gusto. She may still get you flowers, and if she does, roll with it, but remember, she is just trying to do whatever she can do to contribute.

For the most part, these people are not trying to control things, but are merely trying to do what they can. Let them.

[Racket_Man]

So just remember, MIL is just trying to help. Give her something she can help with, stress the fact that you don't want flowers, and she will almost certainly attack the task you present her with gusto. She may still get you flowers, and if she does, roll with it, but remember, she is just trying to do whatever she can do to contribute.

For the most part, these people are not trying to control things, but are merely trying to do what they can. Let them.

not necessarilty Jester. a LOT of Future MILs and Mothers is it NOT about JUST helping. they want to CONTROL things THEIR way. ie. the theme, color, food, church, vows, Mom's dresses, flowers, bridesmaids, guest list, seating arrangement, rehersal dinner, bridial shower(s), Mother/Son Father/Daughter dance, child free or not. they tend to want the wedding day to be THIER day (MILs or Mothers) not the bride or groom (and YES there are bride and groom zillias)

[Jester]

not necessarilty Jester. a LOT of Future MILs and Mothers is it NOT about JUST helping. they want to CONTROL things THEIR way.

Okay, that's true enough. But I was trying to put a positive spin on things. And the fact is, by putting such a spin on things, the couple can rope the rogue mother of the bride/mother of the groom into place. Even if they are trying to control things, telling them, "look, I know you are just trying to help, and I appreciate that--here's what you can do to help us out," kind of puts them in a spot that would be tough for them to wiggle out of. And it may just work. If they follow their new orders, they look great. If they continue to push for control, then the wedded couple can put them in their place more firmly. My way is just a way for everyone to save face.

[Whiskey]

Why don't you just call a family meeting. You have to give mothers SOMETHING to do or they'll explode or something. Tell them while you appreciate the idea of flowers, it would be wonderful if you could provide [thing that would benefit your daily life]. Or how about letting them pay the air fare if you're going on a honeymoon? It usually is about control and if they get out of hand, and you have the balls to do it, tell them if they refuse to comply with your wishes on your special day then they will have to watch the wedding on tape at home.

[Magpie]

In essence, people just want to feel like they've helped and/or contributed. So if there is something they CAN do or fund other than the obvious things that you already have taken care of, let them know. Writing my sister that check was one of the greatest moments of my life, because I knew that I was making ta difference, allowing her to have everyone she really wanted to be there to be there.

not necessarilty Jester. a LOT of Future MILs and Mothers is it NOT about JUST helping. they want to CONTROL things THEIR way. ie. the theme, color, food, church, vows, Mom's dresses, flowers, bridesmaids, guest list, seating arrangement, rehersal dinner, bridial shower(s), Mother/Son Father/Daughter dance, child free or not. they tend to want the wedding day to be THIER day (MILs or Mothers) not the bride or groom (and YES there are bride and groom zillias)

I'm going to offer the third explanation, it's somewhere in between. Remember, that if you're having a big wedding that it really is for the family and friends. I could, technically speaking, have not bothered to invite the entire family to our wedding. As long as everyone is welcome to come it's still a wedding. I just need to have the two witnesses. (Well... enough people to actually fill all the roles at the ceremony, and our parents, or else a really good explanation for our pastor as to why they won't be there). However, I want my family to keep speaking to me. (Well, Jackdaw did). So I invited them.

Because they were coming, we needed to compromise. I wanted a fancy dinner. My grandparents, on the other hand, consider slabs of meat to be a proper meal. So we served a meat meal instead, but a nicer one than just slabs of meat. I wanted to wear a non-hypocritical dress, but both sides of the family would have flipped if I didn't do the whole white dress thing, so I wore a white dress, but I am wearing it again. (I know, the point of a white dress wasn't that it could never be worn again, but that you had to be fairly well-off to be able to wear it again, but that is a subtle detail that doesn't apply as much these days).

The OP's MIL might feel that this is one of those things that needs to be done for giving people the experience that they want. If she doesn't realise that the "we don't want flowers" means just that, she might think that "we don't want flowers" means "we don't want flowers badly enough to go to the insane amount of hassle that flowers entails". If the latter is the case, then it's reasonable for her to say "the flowers are something that you shouldn't skip, I'll take care of them for you so that you can compromise on what you want."

I'm oversimplifying, but I hope that the basic idea of what I'm trying to say came through. Not so much that she wants to control it, but that, to her, flowers are really important, and she doesn't realise someone would actively not want them. (As opposed to saying "I don't care what you want"). Or she considers flowers to be one of the non-negotiable parts of having a big wedding. (Just like no matter how much you don't like singing, you can't just skip the music at a church wedding, but with, in my mind, less justification.)

[trailerparkmedic]

I did give MIL something--I asked her to create a wedding album (something she suggested). My mom is doing wedding announcements. MIL doesn't have money to give.

The thing is, I don't have anything else to have people do. We're getting married at the courthouse. We're flying in around noon, getting dressed at my parent's hotel (by airport), getting married at the courthouse at 430, taking pictures, and going to dinner at a restaurant. I don't want flowers because I think it would be ridiculous to have at the courthouse and we're going for super simple. I think the reason everyone's focused on flowers is because there is literally nothing else for them to do.

I guess everyone taking off a day in the middle of the week and my family flying halfway across the country isn't enough to feel involved. The funny thing? I expect the ceremony to take about 10 minutes. I think we spent that long doing the actual planning for it, and only because our first choice of county courthouses wasn't available on our date. One of the reasons I keep trying to make this simple is because I don't want everyone running around crazy. I'd like to enjoy the little time we'll have together. Crazy, right?

If she doesn't stop after this next email (because I cannot talk to her, she makes me too angry), I'm just going to be blunt. "Everything is already planned. All you have to do is show up at the courthouse at 430."

Apparently this behavior is a hallmark of MIL--telling her you don't want something, and then she bugs you about slightly different options. I'll be glad when this is over and we go back to seeing her as much as we see my family... who lives in a different time zone.

[Whiskey]

I think a "Please respect my wishes, as I would respect yours" would make more of an impact, maybe?

[Treasure]

My "sister" and my best friend both got married at the court house - and they both carried/held a bouquet for their small ceremonies; Its silly yes, but its also one of those IDENTIFIERS that tells everyone you are the BRIDE - and that is what everyone can't let go of - even a single stem of whatever your favorite flower is - a single rose that you can dry and put in the album - you can pick one up at a grocery store for $3.00, and the mothers will feel better - I'm not saying they're right - but you're sharing your wedding with them, (by inviting them) another option is a floral clip or something that you can wear in your hair - now there's no major fuss, its not in the way it looks pretty, and again you can put it in your album.

I understand not wanting something at your wedding, no matter how big or small, but sometimes, compromise is worth it just to make them get off your back.

Good luck and congratulations!

[KiaKat]

There's also the issue of allergies.

At my sister's wedding, we had one rule. NO ROSES. Because we're ALL allergic. Mom is the worst.

The groom's mother and sister are starting a flower arranging business. Since we already had the flowers picked out (peonies & lilies), and the style was already set, there was nothing for the two women to do.

So what did they do? Made an arrangement as a gift, and had it placed in the dining room without our knowledge.

It was roses & baby's breath. Very pretty, but it didn't fit at all with the rest of the decorations, and it was making all of us sneeze. I was seated *right* next to it, and between that and the corset, could barely eat any of the absolutely spectacular meal. I spent most of the night in the porch, dancing my butt off. Thank DEITY mom & sister were seated at the other end of the room. That was a stroke of luck.

Sometimes there are *reasons* for a decision, especially decisions surrounding something as important as a wedding. Families need to honour said decisions, and just smile & nod, no matter how much they may disagree.

[taxguykarl]

not necessarilty Jester. a LOT of Future MILs and Mothers is it NOT about JUST helping. they want to CONTROL things THEIR way. ie. the theme, color, food, church, vows, Mom's dresses, flowers, bridesmaids, guest list, seating arrangement, rehersal dinner, bridial shower(s), Mother/Son Father/Daughter dance, child free or not. they tend to want the wedding day to be THIER day (MILs or Mothers) not the bride or groom (and YES there are bride and groom zillias)

I guess I lucked out there as my MIL did none of that. Come to think of it we weren't sure she would even attend.