I'm About To Throw A Tantrum Over Flowers For My Wedding

[AdminAssistant]

I asked fiance how his mom would be during wedding craziness and he said, "casual bystander." Thank Dog, because my own mother is going to be driving me completely crazy. *sigh*

[Whiskey]

The comedy option is to change your wedding date to a day later. No-show to the original date, turn off all phones/check no email or facebook and then get married in a quiet ceremony a day later.

[KiaKat]

My mother-in-law won't be at ours.

Long story, I won't go into it. But the short version is that she's not right in the head, has screwed over her son (my fiance) many times, and has pissed off her ex-husband so badly he has flat out said if she's there, he isn't.

Which is fine, because we'd much rather have him than her.

[trailerparkmedic]

get married in a quiet ceremony a day later.

There are going to be a total of 10 people, including Fiance and myself, at the wedding. Big for the courthouse, but not a "real" wedding.

I guess I feel like I have no obligation to compromise with MIL because we've already compromised by inviting her to the wedding. We've cut her out of most of our life so we feel like even inviting her is a win for her. I even asked her to do the wedding album, so that's way more involvement than we had intended. I'm getting so mad because she's doing what she does so well--weasels into a situation and tries to take it over through any means necessary. This is the woman who started an email to me with "Fiance discourages any attempts for me to be involved in his life but I hope you can change that."

[KiaKat]

This is the woman who started an email to me with "Fiance discourages any attempts for me to be involved in his life but I hope you can change that."

So this is where you put your foot down. Say that you're not going to begin your married life playing go-between, and if (Fiance) doesn't want to have her involved, it's his business. She can take it up with him, or accept his decision.

Then it's up to him to tell his mother that she's not welcome in his life, and that she needs to back off.

[Magpie]

This is the woman who started an email to me with "Fiance discourages any attempts for me to be involved in his life but I hope you can change that."

Ok, when someone throws up red flags like that, screw trying to be conciliatory. Besides, it's a 10 person wedding. You can do whatever you like - anyone who would be offended is already not talking to you. I believe the correct response is "no". Screw anything else. If you really want, you can add "I already told you" to the beginning of it.

[morgana]

At this point I'm afraid my next response would be something to the effect of, "There will be no flowers at the wedding. Period. If you bring flowers, they will be thrown in the trash in front of your face. And another thing, has it ever occurred to you that there's a reason fiance has discouraged you from being a part of his life?"

But I'm a bitch like that.

If you have fiance's backing, maybe now's the time for the clue-bat.

[Whiskey]

Then it's up to him to tell his mother that she's not welcome in his life, and that she needs to back off.

up to him. he needs to tell her. If you already compromised by inviting her, its time to uninvite her. Obviously she can't respect boundries. If she could, I doubt Fiance would have cut her out of his life. Just do yourself a favor and tell her she's no longer invited.

[AccountingDrone]

My husband and I eloped. We decided one weekend to get married the following weekend. We told our parents the day before the actual "ceremony." They were not invited, largely for this reason. I understand wanting to have family involved in such a big (big as in going to change your life, not big as in a lot of people) event, but jeez...I'm really glad we didn't get our parents involved. I just spent a few days with my MIL and she's a PITA (see my thread on Fratching for details) and I have no doubt she would have tried to control everything about the ceremony if we had told her about it more than 24 hours in advance. Good luck with keeping your wedding small and simple!

Are you me? I never knew that I had an identical different twin sister

"No thank you, we have made up our minds as to what WE want at OUR wedding"
Not exactly polite, but hell, if people are still bugging you after you've politely stated what you have planned for your wedding, maybe a little forthrightness will bring them down to earth.

I have had to deal with my parents before by walking out of the house, locking the door, getting into my car, driving away and checking into a motel a few blocks away. I told them that particular weekend was a bad time forthem to visit because I was getting ready for surgery the week after and I did not want to deal with a visit and having to figure out what to schedule to amuse them.

I have some experience and some insight into this that might help out.

When Lil Sis got married, I was bound and determined to do something for her.

"Can I pay for the DJ?" No. They did not want a DJ.
"Can I pay for the flowers?" No. They had the flowers covered.

Well, fuck. I wanted to do SOMETHING. "You sure you don't want a DJ or flowers?" No, and taken care of. "What about food?" Taken care of through the restaurant hosting the event.

"Well, shit, Sis, what DO you want for your wedding that you don't have taken care of? What would make it better?" Well, she wanted to invite more people that she could afford to cover. Her budget was $2,000. "Would $500 cover the difference?" Wait, what? Could I do that? "You're my only sister. If that would be the difference between you having an okay wedding and the wedding you want, of course I could do it." Cool.

So I increased Lil Sis's wedding budget by 25%, she was happy, he was happy, I was happy.

In essence, people just want to feel like they've helped and/or contributed. So if there is something they CAN do or fund other than the obvious things that you already have taken care of, let them know. Writing my sister that check was one of the greatest moments of my life, because I knew that I was making ta difference, allowing her to have everyone she really wanted to be there to be there.

So just remember, MIL is just trying to help. Give her something she can help with, stress the fact that you don't want flowers, and she will almost certainly attack the task you present her with gusto. She may still get you flowers, and if she does, roll with it, but remember, she is just trying to do whatever she can do to contribute.

For the most part, these people are not trying to control things, but are merely trying to do what they can. Let them.

And some are trying to control ... and you need to learn to tell them to go fornicate a rolling deep fried pastry and get on with your plans, and if they still show up with flowers, you have to have the balls to take the arrangements out back and turf them into a dumpster. Stick by what you want and don't let them railroad you. If they are rude enough to ignore your wishes feel perfectly free to ignore them.

The comedy option is to change your wedding date to a day later. No-show to the original date, turn off all phones/check no email or facebook and then get married in a quiet ceremony a day later.

That works as well.

There is a reason Rob and I did a JP wedding and THEN told everybody about it.

[trailerparkmedic]

MIL decided on her own a few days ago that she would take care of getting a photographer. I didn't dissuade her, since we need pictures anyway and if she wanted to get a photographer in addition to family using digital cameras, cool. Apparently the combination of short notice and her unwillingness to pay for anything (she believes almost exclusively in bartering for people's services) resulted in no photographer.

"You get your wish for me to not help. I was excited about the possibility of doing something, but none of the photographers I was trying to line up is available."

Fiance is lucky I love him so much, because she is still invited to the wedding and I haven't replied to her yet. He is SO LUCKY because if I had my choice, I would have called her screaming.
Anger management issues? Me? Never!

EDIT: Guess this means I'm officially part of the family. Hooray.

[Whiskey]

why does your fiance still want her at the wedding when it causes you so much stress?

[trailerparkmedic]

why does your fiance still want her at the wedding when it causes you so much stress?

If she doesn't come, he is worried about hearing about it for the rest of his life. (Not a problem if we don't talk to her ever again!) He also said he would feel very guilty if he didn't invite her. He has resumed a little contact with her over the past few months and while she is as annoying as ever with her clingyness, she has mostly laid off on the neediness and manipulation until the past few weeks (at least she isn't bugging us for money yet). I think a part of him still blames himself for the situation because he is a "bad" son. I do think this is the last chance he is giving her.

I only agreed because his aunt/her sister, the one sane member of the family, will be there to keep her in line.

[Whiskey]

Oh well if shes temporarily chilling out on the emotional manipulation, thats cool. Your fiance needs a bit of counseling.

[Der Cute]

I'd be the rude person here and say , "Lady, WE ARE NOT HAVING FLOWERS. Period. Get it through your thick skull. Now if you don't mind, FUCK OFF."


That's just me.

[Whiskey]

That's just me.

She's already moved on from flowers. Now its a photographer, but no one would do it for free or for the cat embroidered pillows she makes so she martyred herself and now TPM gets what she wants and mom isn't involved (until she finds something else to get into).