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**Mishi** · 08-05-2010, 12:21 AM

So sorry that you have the bad luck of a mother like mine

Wait, my brain just clicked... she's been cloned! The end is nigh!!! *hides under bed*

**Whiskey** · 08-05-2010, 12:24 AM

You're 23, why even talk to her? I thought you were like 16

**ArcticChicken** · 08-05-2010, 12:25 AM

Quoth Whiskey View Post

You're 23, why even talk to her? I thought you were like 16

Because, despite all that, I love the woman. I just really hate her sometimes.

**Whiskey** · 08-05-2010, 12:28 AM

then why talk to her about things you know are going to set her off? From that excerpt up there, you sound like a teenager and she's treating you like one.

**MaggieTheCat** · 08-05-2010, 12:44 AM

Quoth Whiskey View Post

then why talk to her about things you know are going to set her off? From that excerpt up there, you sound like a teenager and she's treating you like one.

It's hard not to talk about stuff like this when you're used to doing so, even when you KNOW she's going to give you shit about it. It's just...instinct. I, personally, want to be able to talk to my family about issues when I have them...I've just had to learn which issues to tell which family members.

I had this problem with my mother for years. Sometimes I still do, but I've learned not to tell her certain things that I know would make her fly off the handle. My brother (who still opens his mouth more than he should even though he's older than me) and I have talked about this issue many times, and we've often said that we should tattoo a "SHUT YOUR MOUTH" or similar phrase on our foreheads to remind us not to tell our mother certain things.

**ArcticChicken** · 08-05-2010, 12:46 AM

Quoth Whiskey View Post

From that excerpt up there, you sound like a teenager and she's treating you like one.

Yeah, I know, she makes me feel like I'm 16 again.

I guess I somehow keep hoping that she'll figure out I'm a grown up now. I should be able to talk to my mom about my life, not just what I thought of the latest movies. She used to be my best friend, I could tell her anything, I'm finding it hard to adjust to the fact that I can't.

I keep trying to write to her about the way she's treating me, 'cause I know I can't say it to her, but I can't get more than a sentence or two in without crying or swearing at her, and that's just not productive.

I'm going to try again in a little while, and if it doesn't work this time I'm going to get my BF to hold my hand while I do it this weekend. I don't want to need him to hold my hand in order for me to stand up for myself, but it's time I admitted I may be too tied up in knots inside to do it without a shoulder to cry on.

**Der Cute** · 08-05-2010, 01:20 AM

Well, hm.

AC, can you write down, or type, or somehow list What You Can Talk About and What You Cannot Talk About?

And here are some stock phrases:

When someone says "I know how to do that, Here, this way" or "I'm going to tell you how to do it" or the situation of "I think you should" use this: Thanks, I've got it covered. Thanks for the input. Mmmhmm.

When you hear something like "OMGWTFBBQ You're stupid/dumb/fat/ugly/something mean" you just say, "EXCUSE ME?" and give them stink eye. Then if they repeat it, you say, "Sorry, I have to do something. (insert lame excuse aka change baby, do dishes, wash hair, knit sweaters for cockroaches...) " and sign off.

Next time someone pulls that, you say "I do not appreciate your comment(s). Have you read about the big oil spill in the Gulf?" Change subject.

If you find yourself worked up and angry, go and invent an excuse to bail. Hell, have a code phrase with your BF like "Sammy Called" or "Movie at 10?" so you can get out with some excuse and not make everyone mad. Then just go home and rant at how bitchy....you get it.

AC, I think you have something like I do. I wanted a family. Like a mom, a dad, a nice sister, and we all were fluffy happy chirpy people. Turns out my family is messed up, and I'm still pouting internally that "my dream family" never happened. Are you pissed that your mom /daughter roles have changed? Or that your "dream family" didn't work?

And is this different behavior of hers? Is this new? She might need a checkup. Or a skillet to the head.

Cutenoob

**r2cagle** · 08-05-2010, 05:20 PM

Try to talk to your mother like she was a friend of the family.

To a mother (of which I am one), anything that sounds remotely like complaining and whining gets moms on the defensive, and in the 'I will fix this' mode. Even if you know that you aren't really complaining, just trying to share details can come across as whining. It isn't even in the tone of voice you use, it's the words that you choose.

I'd share less personal stuff with alot less details with your mom, and let her give you exactly what she's willing to give you. Don't look for more, don't ask for more... when mom asks, say 'this is what I'm doing'. Talk confidently when talking with mom, "I am.. I will.. I can.. I have... etc."

**blas** · 08-05-2010, 05:23 PM

I agree it's instinct. I'm 23, there are things I should damn well know better than to say or bring up in front of mum, but I do it anyway and she goes Mt. St Helen on me. She can be such a loose cannon when she wants to be. And yet, if I ever over-react or start flying off the handle for little or no reason, she goes into super scream mode about how "NOOOO YOU CALM DOWN!!!!"

I'll forever be happy I moved out at 19, but I still kick myself for not moving out even sooner than that. The yelling and screaming, I don't know how I dealt with it for all those years.

**Kanalah** · 08-05-2010, 06:41 PM

Coulda sworn you were talking about my mom for a minute there.

My mom is one of those people that thinks everything she does is the right thing. So she's blamed pretty much everything on me. She's also somewhat well known (at least among my friends) as somewhat of a con artist. For example, something will happen and she'll provide the appropriate stock response, then when she's needed to actually *do* something, she backtracks.

Some examples:
I got engaged and she started working with me to plan my wedding. 3 weeks later, I got kicked out of the house without a word. I paid $10 and got married downtown.

I told her I was pregnant, she decided to host a baby shower. Then when I was 7 months pregnant, she backed out, so I set up everything myself.

And over and over in this fashion. Unfortunately, as much as I'd like to move away without warning, we're business partners. So I try my best to think of her as a business partner and not my mother. Kinda hard around the holidays, but that's a whole nother problem right there.

**Whiskey** · 08-05-2010, 08:07 PM

Y'all are responding like I came from a pod or something and don't have a mother. Guess why I don't get talked to and don't have to go "but moooooom goddddddd"? Because I set boundaries and stuck to them. Its the same advice I give everyone. Act like an adult, set boundaries, enforce them, provide consequences. Its hard, life is hard, it won't change otherwise.

**Whiskey** · 08-05-2010, 10:03 PM

Quoth r2cagle

Nah, but advice and opinions are like a heinie. Everyone has one, and 'sides you know... different strokes and all.

Wait, are you offering to stroke my heinie?

\/ it was a joke.

**r2cagle** · 08-05-2010, 10:06 PM

Gawd... sorry Whisky... I deleted my post... I was thinking, it didn't read the way it sounded in my head... so I was going to try again.

If you need a heinie stroke... I can find you some one... lol.

Edit: No... it sounded too serious and maternal... when I was trying to be silly. Ah well.. it's now 6:50 PM CST and I'm having a drink..

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And she wonders why I don't like to talk about important things

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