I am GRATEFUL, you moron

[teh_blumchenkinder]

You have every right to be sad and upset about someone you never got to know-- someone you wanted to get to know. ... My mom told me as soon as I could understand what she was really saying (like, maturity level sort of thing) that my sister wasn't planned for and was why she and dad got married (cute, yeah? still strong after all this time )-- and that my sister and I had two half-siblings that were buried because of bad times from ... someone who should have never done that to her ever. She wasn't nearly as vague with me, but I'm also trying not to air family laundry that she's already dealt with. I can never know what she's going through or went through, and I hope that I never lose a child who never really had a chance to live. I'm so happy that you have children and a husband who love you to pieces-- I can tell from how you write about them here and in other threads. Being alone... that would be so much worse, and you definitely know that you aren't alone.

[Seshat]

I should have an older sibling. No clue whether a boy or a girl. Mum didn't tell me until a few years ago. I don't know if my little brother knows, even now.


But yes, Mis. Gratitude for your surviving children has nothing to do with grief for your lost child. Totally unrelated emotions. Anyone who says otherwise deserves whatever you yell at them.

[dalesys]

I have a sister stillborn when I was almost 5 ('56) and they told my mom all that crap. My parents didn't get much resolution until my dad's sister was dying of pancreatic cancer ('98). She said she'd seen a young woman waiting for them who had her mother's name. My aunt had no way of knowing that her name was going to be Diane Catherine.

I've been scanning photos for my kids and getting a little emotional at times.

The pictures of my grandson that the state took are hard. (He had special needs and my daughter couldn't cope well enough)

Dillon at 0 (1lb 9oz) and 2 years. Wherever he is, he's 15 now and Richard Shindell's song "Abuelita" echoes in my heart.

[Eisa]

My mom had a miscarriage several years before I was born. I'm 22 and the baby would now be 30...so it's been a LONG time.

She still wonders if the baby was a boy or girl and wishes he/she were here. And she still grieves.

[Mytical]

Misanthropical you never have to apologize or anything for mourning. Loosing a child can be a devastating thing. One I might never even begin to comprehend. *hugs*.

Every year around the anniversary of my brothers death due to cancer, I know my mom is going to be very sad. All I can do is be there for her, and try my best to comfort her. You never get over something like that, unfortunately. If you need somebody to vent to, remember I am just a PM away. I might not ever understand what you go through, nor will I pretend to..but I make a great listener.

[Jangles the Moon Monkey]

I've had a miscarriage and that was bad enough grieving for but I can't even begin to imagine the grief you must have gone through and continue to go through.

I'm thinking of you today.

[Misanthropical]

Thank you, guys for being so supportive. I try to imagine what he would look like each year, when he would have started Kindergarten. If he would tower over me like his older brother.

I wonder if he is with his great grandparents and hearing about what a brat his mother could be when she was little. If his great grandfather swam under a deck on the other side and put a fish on his hook, like he did for me, so I thought I actually caught something.

I can't listen to Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven' without breaking down. I wonder if he will be there when it's time for me to go. I hope so.

[Dave1982]

I aunt had quite a few miscarriages before finally having a son 11 years ago. No one else in the family knew except my grandmother, my father, and my uncle. I didn't find out until later, because it was a very sensitive subject with my aunt.

[Peppergirl]

Please accept my heartfelt condolences, Mis.

People can be such insensitive jerks sometimes.

[Misanthropical]

Dave1982] yes, it is a sensitive subject and very hard for me to bring up even 16 years later. I still remember begging God to make it not be true or to let me go in my son's place. God wasn't listening.

At the funeral, I made a deal with God, I would leave him alone if he left me alone. That stuck till about 5 years ago when I had a dream that God came and answered all my questions about my son's death. Don't ask me what God looks like, since he took the form of someone else to talk to me. I posted about the dream on here when it happened.

Peppergirl yes, they can be. The most insensitive thing I heard when my son died and since was it was God's will. I told them that God didn't ask me how I felt about it, so if it was God's will their God was a brutal unfeeling bastard who I wanted no part of. Yes, they got upset with that answer, but if they didn't want to hear it they shouldn't have said anything.

I also heard about how I could always have more children, which I did, but to even say something so insensitive was cruel.

Thank you all for your condolences, they mean a lot to me and Mr. Mis.

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

Most people cant' just "get over" a miscarriage. It's cruel and ignorant of people to insist that you do. You've clearly got a strong maternal instinct and a bond with your children, all of them.

Love isn't a limited resource to be rationed amongst as few as possible, and certainly not a parent's love for a child, biological or adopted. You can love your living children with everything you've got and still love and grieve for the one you lost. I'm sorry so many people are so short-sighted and rotten as to think there's something wrong with you and even say it to your face.

That God's Plan nonsense is only a comfort for those who look to God for comfort. It should never be said to anyone unless you know their religious views would make that a proper condolence. Like this, very belated one:

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son.

[Dips]

I've buried a child too. As have my parents. The most horrible thing anyone ever said to us was that it happened for a reason.

Pardon my French, but fuck that.

Yes, it happened, there's nothing that justifies a brave little boy suffering and dying in a hospital or a little one dying on the day he was born or a young woman walking in front of train.

Nothing.

I know the pain doesn't go away. It's just something you grow used to as the years pass. It becomes a part of you and you go on living and loving and yes, finding happiness and joy in life.

But you never stop loving or missing the one who is gone.

[Misanthropical]

HorrorFrogPrincess No, the pain never goes away no matter how happy and joyful one's life is otherwise. Having to bury a child is the hardest thing in life to do, no matter how young or old that child is.

At the grave site, my husband had to carry me to our car because of how utterly distraught I was.

Dips I so wanted to tell people who told me it happened for a reason to go fuck themselves, but I settled for just walking out of the room.

You are right, the pain is always there just under the surface. There is nothing that can take the pain away. After his death I didn't look at the world the same way as I had before his death.

The baby in your avatar is so adorable!

[Dips]

The baby in your avatar is so adorable!

Aw, thanks. He's my grandson.

And here's another for you. I hope today is a little better. But if it isn't, cry all you need to. You never, EVER need to justify that.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Sorry for coming into this late, Mis, but don't ever feel you have to apologize for how you feel to anyone.

I would have had a younger brother who would be around 33 now had he lived, but for reasons unknown he died in utero. I found this out back when I was in my late teens, my brother (who is 35 and mentally challenged) has no idea (Mom and I decided it was better not to tell him, since we didn't think he could process that information very well.)

Mom said she had not felt the baby moving for a day or two and went to the doctor, but back then (and this was around mid to late 1970's) the doctor couldn't detect a heartbeat either but sent Mom to the hospital. They couldn't detect one either, so labor was induced and my brother (who would have been named Steven) was stillborn.

The doctors there wanted to perform an autopsy on him to maybe find out why he died and perhaps be able to prevent another death, but my Mom refused, claiming that Steven had been through enough already and she didn't want him to suffer any further.

While I've never seen my mom cry over this, it doesn't mean that she didn't grieve . . . it's just that each mother grieves in her own way. Some display their emotions more than others, while some may hardly ever discuss it. It doesn't mean the loss isn't any more or less hurtful. Same with grief counseling: some are more receptive to the idea than others. It's not a one size fits all approach at all.

So don't worry about what some of these insensitive people say. . . you deal with it in the way you feel is most comfortable for YOU.

Besides, you have an amazing family standing behind you that'll be there for you long after those idiots are long gone.