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This is going to be a bit long and rambling and I apologize for that, but I need to get it out of my system to someone who isn't going through the same thing with me.
So, background information: My sister and brother-in-law have been trying to have a baby unsuccessfully for years. It was basically come to the conclusion that they would have to either adopt or go through very painful medical procedures, which are still not guaranteed to work. So, after a lot of soul searching, they decided to adopt. They made this announcement to the family at the beginning of June (literally, on June 1st at his family birthday dinner). They were expecting the long process, with all the paperwork and everything and knew it could be years. We have experience with open adoption in our family, and that was the path they wanted to go down.
Well, June 6th (his birthday) they got a call from an attorney they know about a possible birth mother match. They met and she liked them, they liked her, and she decided she wanted to place her baby with them. They were working out all the details with the attorney and figuring out the adoption plan. The birthmother was in a very difficult situation and my sister and brother-in-law paid her medical bills and a lot of other bills over the past months -- money to pay rent, bills, help with clothes and things for the apartment because she was having to start over completely.
The baby was scheduled to be delivered by C-section August 30th (last Monday). All went well. The baby was born and my sister and brother-in-law, as the birth mother had requested, took care of the baby all week in the hospital while the birth mother recovered. They had her for four days and, as requested by the birth mother, let the birth mother have time with her on Friday before they were both discharged Saturday morning.
The lawyer went in Saturday to get all the paperwork finished and signed and everything sorted out.
The birth mother refused to sign anything. She said she changed her mind and was taking the baby home.
Now, I know this is her right. This is her option. But part of me can't help but be extremely upset. Not only am I devastated for my sister and brother-in-law and our whole family -- you have NO idea how excited everyone was -- because they literally, for all intents and purposes, just lost their first child, but I am also extremely angry at the birth mother. If she knew that it was at all possible she might change her mind, WHY did she ask them to take care of the sweet child in the hospital and bond with her? That was THEIR child. That was their baby. She hadn't even seen the birth mother -- at the birth mother's request! -- until that Friday. She had been taken care of and bonding with my sister and brother-in-law.
I understand that it is the right of the birth mother to change her mind, but seriously, I won't go into the specifics about it, but it is really not in this baby's best interest to go home to this life. And even short of that, because yes, technically, that is an opinion, there were no preparations for this baby made by the birth mother -- she had no crib, no car seat, no stroller, no formula, no diapers, no clothes, no anything. She had the gall to ask my sister and brother-in-law if she could have the car seat and things they had bought for the baby. (The answer was, of course and obviously, NO)
We have experience with open adoption in our family. One of my cousins (who we are very close to, more like a sister than a cousin) actually put two of her children up for an open adoption with the same family, so we know how this works and how these things go. We knew what we were getting into. We understand how hard it is, on the mother and the family, but we also know it can be the best for the children and can work very well for all involved.
But really, once the decision is made, the decision is made. I don't understand how someone can open themselves up to someone else, meet their family, bring her family to meet us, tell this couple they are going to be raising a baby, let them bond with her in the hospital and then just yank the baby away.
I just can't wrap my mind around it. And it makes me so sad and SO angry! And part of me feels guilty, cause here I sit with these three sweet children, one of whom is not even three weeks older than their little girl, and they can't have children. I don't know of anyone else in the world who deserves a child more than this couple and...I just don't have words. Really I don't. Part of me, and it's a horrible part that I really don't want to listen to because I really don't want to think this of ANYONE, wonders if this was her plan from the beginning, to dupe someone into paying her medical bills and other bills (seriously, we're talking over $10,000 here) and then just "change her mind" and have a baby without the cost. But I really don't want to believe anyone could actually do that to another human being.
So yeah, please send them and the family good thoughts. The family is grieving and having a hard time right now.
Sorry about the length. Thanks for letting me vent. I know this probably doesn't make much sense, but like I said, my family is kind of reeling, and I need to vent to people who aren't going through it with me.
So, background information: My sister and brother-in-law have been trying to have a baby unsuccessfully for years. It was basically come to the conclusion that they would have to either adopt or go through very painful medical procedures, which are still not guaranteed to work. So, after a lot of soul searching, they decided to adopt. They made this announcement to the family at the beginning of June (literally, on June 1st at his family birthday dinner). They were expecting the long process, with all the paperwork and everything and knew it could be years. We have experience with open adoption in our family, and that was the path they wanted to go down.
Well, June 6th (his birthday) they got a call from an attorney they know about a possible birth mother match. They met and she liked them, they liked her, and she decided she wanted to place her baby with them. They were working out all the details with the attorney and figuring out the adoption plan. The birthmother was in a very difficult situation and my sister and brother-in-law paid her medical bills and a lot of other bills over the past months -- money to pay rent, bills, help with clothes and things for the apartment because she was having to start over completely.
The baby was scheduled to be delivered by C-section August 30th (last Monday). All went well. The baby was born and my sister and brother-in-law, as the birth mother had requested, took care of the baby all week in the hospital while the birth mother recovered. They had her for four days and, as requested by the birth mother, let the birth mother have time with her on Friday before they were both discharged Saturday morning.
The lawyer went in Saturday to get all the paperwork finished and signed and everything sorted out.
The birth mother refused to sign anything. She said she changed her mind and was taking the baby home.
Now, I know this is her right. This is her option. But part of me can't help but be extremely upset. Not only am I devastated for my sister and brother-in-law and our whole family -- you have NO idea how excited everyone was -- because they literally, for all intents and purposes, just lost their first child, but I am also extremely angry at the birth mother. If she knew that it was at all possible she might change her mind, WHY did she ask them to take care of the sweet child in the hospital and bond with her? That was THEIR child. That was their baby. She hadn't even seen the birth mother -- at the birth mother's request! -- until that Friday. She had been taken care of and bonding with my sister and brother-in-law.
I understand that it is the right of the birth mother to change her mind, but seriously, I won't go into the specifics about it, but it is really not in this baby's best interest to go home to this life. And even short of that, because yes, technically, that is an opinion, there were no preparations for this baby made by the birth mother -- she had no crib, no car seat, no stroller, no formula, no diapers, no clothes, no anything. She had the gall to ask my sister and brother-in-law if she could have the car seat and things they had bought for the baby. (The answer was, of course and obviously, NO)
We have experience with open adoption in our family. One of my cousins (who we are very close to, more like a sister than a cousin) actually put two of her children up for an open adoption with the same family, so we know how this works and how these things go. We knew what we were getting into. We understand how hard it is, on the mother and the family, but we also know it can be the best for the children and can work very well for all involved.
But really, once the decision is made, the decision is made. I don't understand how someone can open themselves up to someone else, meet their family, bring her family to meet us, tell this couple they are going to be raising a baby, let them bond with her in the hospital and then just yank the baby away.
I just can't wrap my mind around it. And it makes me so sad and SO angry! And part of me feels guilty, cause here I sit with these three sweet children, one of whom is not even three weeks older than their little girl, and they can't have children. I don't know of anyone else in the world who deserves a child more than this couple and...I just don't have words. Really I don't. Part of me, and it's a horrible part that I really don't want to listen to because I really don't want to think this of ANYONE, wonders if this was her plan from the beginning, to dupe someone into paying her medical bills and other bills (seriously, we're talking over $10,000 here) and then just "change her mind" and have a baby without the cost. But I really don't want to believe anyone could actually do that to another human being.
So yeah, please send them and the family good thoughts. The family is grieving and having a hard time right now.
Sorry about the length. Thanks for letting me vent. I know this probably doesn't make much sense, but like I said, my family is kind of reeling, and I need to vent to people who aren't going through it with me.
*lots of hugs* As soon as I started reading, I knew where this situation was going and my first thought, unfortunately, was that the birth mother did it for the money. I too know it's a horrible thing to think, but we've all seen and heard of the worst of the worst, so I can't help but think that that is at least a possibility. Is it possible for the adopting family to have the birth mother sign some kind of contract (before the baby is born, obviously, probably when both parties start agreeing on the arrangements), basically stating that if she does decide to change her mind and keep the baby, that she needs to reimburse the adopting family?
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