The vacation_rentals_suck Creative Writing Thread

[Eireann]

Since Dave's customers think he can control just about everything on the planet, why not submit fictional stories of even greater stupidity (if such a thing is possible) than we've seen?

Format: A telephone conversation between Dave and a disgruntled guest.

Bonus points every time you use his name.

[dalesys]

I am very grateful to stand before you today on behalf of Dave and beg...


Please don't do this to me... (™ Jose Jimenez, Astronaut)


The OddGodz of the Universe will take it as a challenge for them to make the posts real.

[blas]

Dave, I am very upset. The villa we booked for this summer doesn't have easy enough access to the beach for my disabled mother in law. Dave, I am assuming you can do something about the logisticial problem we are encountering.

Ma'ame, I am sorry but I have no control over the layouts of our villas and the surrounding areas.

Dave, you are not listening or seeming to care. My mother in law has a wheelchair and it just simply isn't convenient to have to push her several hundred feet just to play at the beach.

Ma'ame, I apologize again, but there is really nothing I can do short of offering you a different location.

Dave, again you are not listening. You are making me incredibly angry. We HAVE to have this villa and this beach, which, by the way, the sand better be raked this time, Dave.

[poofy_puff]

That was not realistic, blas. Dave's calls like that usually end with someone calling him a "miserable bastard", demanding to speak with his boss, and/or crying and hanging up.

[blas]

I tried

I figured the wheelchair and the beach and the sand needing to be raked was dramatic enough.

[RestaurantDude]

Ok... let's see what i can do to mend this.



Thank you for calling upthebum rentals. This is Dave speaking.

Dave, I am quite very upset. We've just arrived, and this villa we booked doesn't have easy enough access to the beach for my disabled mother in law. Dave, you need to get down here do something about this massive inconvenience we are encountering here.

Ma'am, I am very sorry I have no control over the layouts of our villas or their access to the beach. We do have several villas that are more wheelchair friendly, and i would be happy to move you into one of those.

Dave, you are not listening or seeming to care. We are not moving. My mother in law is in a wheelchair and it just simply isn't convenient to have to push her several hundred feet just to play at the beach. You need do get down here right now and do something about this.

Ma'ame, I apologize again, but there is really nothing I can do short of offering you a different location. We would be happy to move you to one of our more wheelchair accessible properties, where your mother in law would have an easier time getting around.

Dave, again you are not listening. You are making me incredibly angry. We HAVE to have this villa, and be at this beach. We are NOT moving. You need to get someone down here right away to build a ramp or something.

Ma'am, i cannot do that. We cannot build ramps on someone else's property.

Then you had best get someone down here to carry my mother in law onto the beach, Dave! We traveled all this way and paid all this money, and you are doing fuck all to help us, Dave.

Ma'am, that isn't a service we provide. I have offered to move you to a more accessible villa, and you refused. There really is not much else i can do for you.

You just don't care, Dave. You don't care at all.

I am sorry you feel that way, Ma'am.

Goddammnit Dave, i can see you just don't give a shit, do you!? This has been the worst holiday ever. My mother in law can't get onto the beach, and you won't lift a finger to help us. You are a miserable pig fucker, Dave! A miserable pig fucker!

Ma'am, i don't have to take that. If you continue to swear at me, i will end this call.

Fuck you, Dave, Fuck you very much!

[click]

[eltf177]

Me likey! Of course, you forgot the demand for total reimbursement of charges, a free villa for the rest of their lives and Dave to be publically drawn and quartered!

[poofy_puff]

Me likey! Of course, you forgot the demand for total reimbursement of charges, a free villa for the rest of their lives and Dave to be publically drawn and quartered!

And free bikes. Must not forget the free bikes.

[Eireann]

Dave, I'm upset. I'm really fucking upset, Dave.

I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. How can I help you?

You're a smug little bastard, aren't you, Dave?

Ma'am, I can't help you if I don't know what the problem is.

Well, you should fucking know, Dave. When I went to the villa, I wanted to go to the beach. There were PEOPLE on the beach, Dave. They were in MY WATER, Dave. And they wouldn't leave when I told them to, Dave.

Ma'am, I -

So I left, and when I came back, the water was far away! Those fuckers took all my water, Dave! What am I supposed to do now, Dave?

Ma'am, the tide went out -

Don't get smart with me, Dave. I know what happened. Those people took all my water, Dave. I want to know what you're going to do about it.

Ma'am, there's nothing I can do. The beach isn't private, so we can't stop other guests from going there. The water was far away because the tide went out. It'll come back later.

(crying) Dave, I work so fucking hard for my money, and all I want is my own private beach with no fucking strangers stealing the goddamned water. Why are you lying to me, Dave? I'll have your job for this!

[Magpie]

You know, as good as these are, I'm not feeling that we've topped VRS' actual customers yet.

[poofy_puff]

Dave, I need to know how often the trees are pruned, and what type of tools the landscapers use when they prune the trees, and whether the trees were planted here from seeds or brought here from a nursery in burlap root-ball bags. I also need to know the exact formulation of the lawn-treatment chemicals, or my entire vacation will be ruined because of YOU. Now my baby is crying because it woke up from a nap, and that is YOUR fault, and you don't even seem to CARE.

PS - Dave, I want free bikes to compensate for the inconvenience.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Thank you for calling Vacation Rentals R Expensive, this is Dave.

Dave, I have a question. You see, Dave, we're interested in renting one of your villas for a week's vacation, but your website shows they're all occupied at the time we want to come. So Dave, could you kick out some people from one of the villas so we could have one? Please? Dave?

Sorry, no can do.

DAVE! YOU RUINED MY VACATION!

Sorry to hear that. Maybe if you tried a different week we'd have an opening for you.

I'M SO FURIOUS DAVE! DAVE, I'M GOING TO MARCH RIGHT DOWN TO YOUR OFFICE AND I WILL HAVE YOUR, DAVE'S, JOB! YOU, DAVE, HAVE NO IDEA HOW FURIOUS I AM WITH YOU! DAVE! I WORK TOO HARD TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS, DAVE! I WORK TOO HARD!

Well...sorry.

YOU HEAR ME DAVE? THERE WILL BE DIRE FUCKING CONSEQUENCES, DAVE! DIRE! DAVE!

[mikoyan29]

Thank you for calling, this is Dave, how can I help you?
You're a rotten bastard and I hope you die a thousand deaths in hell.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dave, you're a rotten bastard, Dave and Dave, I hope you, Dave die a thousand deaths in hell, Dave.

Needs more Dave.

[Eireann]

So Dave, could you kick out some people from one of the villas so we could have one? Please? Dave?

Since when do his customers say "please"? I can see someone saying this:

"Dave, we're coming on X date, and we have to have X villa. If someone else has reserved it, that's just too damned bad. We pay a lot of money to stay there, and we expect service, Dave! We demand that you kick anyone out who might be staying in OUR villa, Dave! And you'd better have added those three extra bedrooms and the bar and the swimming pool in the back, Dave! You hear me, Dave?"