Warning Ranty and Language. I feel so angry!

[shadowpanda]

I am feeling so angry right now and I need to rant. I'm not going to defend what I am about to say as it is way more complicated than I can put across, but if I don't get this out, I may scream out loud and get sent home from work!

Warning: There may be language and opinions that may not be agreed with. Mods, feel free to move or even delete this thread if things go the wrong way. Also, it may not make total sense and I may end up rambling.

My granddad is dying, and I am so fucking angry with him. I do not like this man, I have not for years. He has been 'dying' for years, but this time it does seem really serious, the doctors don't think he will ever come home from the hospital, but they have said that before.

The reason I am angry with him, is becasuse part of me doesn't believe that he is ill. I won't beleive he is dead until I see his coffin going into the ground. He has ruined so many Christmasses by him (or my grandmother) crying wolf. We live about 200 miles away, cross county for us, not too far, but inconvenient when needed suddenly.
This year was the first year I had everything nicely planned out at xmas, balanced between work, family and friends. And it's all gone belly up now. I fell out with my grandfather properly, in April this year, things have always been strained between us and between me and my grandmother. His illness now means his memory is wonky and he doesn't remember the falling out, or the reasons for it. I, however, rememeber the falling out very clearly, and just because he has no memory, does not make it any less real for me.
My Mum wants us to go and see him for his 'last xmas'. I will drop all of my plans because I love my Mum and because it is important to her, for us all to be there for him. However, I now have to figure out what my fella will be doing. We (me and him) live with my parents at the minute, over an hour away from his (divorced) parents. If we (my family) drive to see my grandfather (I am not subjecting my boyfriend to the hospital etc for someone he has never met), it means my boyfriend will be left in the house by himself over xmas. He doesn't drive and public transport over the holidays is sparse and so it now means seeing his own family will be nigh on impossible due to the juggling of various younger siblings and lack of transport.
I am angry because everything has gone wrong, but, at the end of the day, he is an old man, in pain. Nobody should die alone and I will go and see him and pretend everything is happy and fine because, in the end days, people should know kindness. Also, it is important to my mother, I will not travel all that way and cause trouble, I will not do that to her.

I have no idea how I will now co-ordinate everything with my inlaws over xmas, because obviously they want to see their son. They may have to come and get him, which isn't impossible, just difficult.

I need time to think about what I will do. My priority right now is supporting my Mum through the process of her father dying and all the problems that come with such an event. Christmas can sod off, I don't really celebrate it anyway, it is just the only time of year my boyfriend gets to see some of his siblings and family. It's just more stress at an already stressful time of year.

This old man has caused so much pain and suffering and he's still managing to do it on his death bed. I think that is why I am angry with him.

[Treasure]

1 - have you talked to the boyfriend about it? you may be surprised, just like you're willing to put yourself through a stressful and uncomfortable situation for your mom, your boyfriend may be more than willing to do the same for you, esp. if it means not having to figure out all the logistics of visiting family.

2 - If you both have agreed that its better if he doesn't go - then try calling one of his parents explain the situation to them (more briefly, less ranty) and see if he can stay with them for the duration of your trip. (he may be able to get a ride with one of the siblings when they go to visit the other parent, or arrange other transportation)

3 - (and this one may piss you off) If your grandfather is still able to make you angry, you're not as "DONE!" with him as you would like to think - its amazing how easily people you care about can effect your emotions. Now granted it could be that you're "angry on mom's behalf" She won't get angry about the inconveniences; but you see them for what they are, and thusly get angry at the situation and its root cause.

4 - while you're visiting your grandfather in the hospital, you can tell him how selfish and unfair it is of him to make your family drop everything to come visit, no matter what plans have already been made - he may or not remember in the morning.

5 - no matter how much you dislike him right now, if you ever had a decent relationship with him, don't let his last years taint your memories; I'm not saying you have to forgive - just remember sometimes it is easier to hold onto anger, than it is to face other emotions.

6 - you can decide, when you're ready, to simply stop being angry - "I am not forgiving you, I am not forgetting why I have been angry with you, but you no longer get the free rent in my head, I am not wasting anymore time or emotions on you, you don't deserve it." this is very freeing - you will be surprised how much better you sleep and interact with other people.

GOOD LUCK!

[shadowpanda]

Hi Treasure, thanks for taking the time to reply

1/2) I haven't had chance to talk to my boyfriend yet, my mum called me at work with the latest status from the hospital, I'll talk to him tonight. I know he'll be supportive and we can get something worked out. I love his family and I was looking forward to spending some time with them myself. I'll talk to him then call the inlaws to see what we can do, but to be honest, I think (this may sound egocentric) without me with him at his families houses, he would rather stay in the house by himself with the animals.

3) you haven't pissed me off, don't worry

4) I haven't seen him face to face for a while now, and so I may not be able to bite my tongue if he provokes me. I'll have to see how things go and decide whether I want to fight him.

5) Apparently I had a great relationship with him when I was a kid, but I can't rememember it. I dislike who he is as a person and as a father, nothing will change that I'm afraid.

6) I rarely think about him to be honest, and as soon as I had written my rant, I forgot all about him. He has never been that big a part of my life and I won't miss him when he is gone

Thanks for the support

[Megg]

Talk to your boyfriend, he will likely be more understanding than you think. I am sure he cares about you (else he would not be the boyfriend), and I am double sure anyone who cares about you can see you are stressed to the max. I am sure he will want to help you.

Just as a suggestion: is there any way that you could maybe take him to his family's house like the day before or something? Maybe he could stay over with them and not be so lonely on Christmas day. Unless he hates his family, in which case, he might be pleased to have an excuse not to go. Win either way, I say!

[taxguykarl]

Talk to your boyfriend, he will likely be more understanding than you think. I am sure he cares about you (else he would not be the boyfriend), and I am double sure anyone who cares about you can see you are stressed to the max. I am sure he will want to help you.

Megg's right about that...If he's worth keeping as your BF, that is.

[Trishlovesdolphins]

I am 100% bias, so take this however you'd like. If it were me, I wouldn't go. You had a falling out, and if you have said your goodbyes in your heart/head, I don't think you should go and subject yourself to the strain. At least not on Christmas day. If you choose to go a day or 2 before or after, but I wouldn't give up my plans.

I have "family" that does the same thing. My "father" has been going to die I don't know how many times. I went a few years ago. Not for him, or my grandmother, but because I wanted to know that I wouldn't regret not going. I went, and now I'm done. If you have this feeling, then there is no reason for you to go for your own mental well being.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Every single being on this planet dies alone.
That's why it's so scary. The cold bitch in me says he's faking again, and 'not remembering the fall out' for the same reason he's been crying wolf this entire time-- to drag you back, because he knows he's fucked up badly enough to never see you except at his death bed. (How miserable is that!?)
Even if that's not true... Every single being on this planet dies alone. You can't go with him. You can't see where he's going, even if it's just oblivion.
Also, I am in 100 percent in agreement with Treasure's post. I meant to choose just a number or two, but then it turned into all 6.
I recommend either an orgasmic massage (or just an orgasm, if you and bf do that sort of thing yet), or a stiff drink (or bottle...). Yeah, the problem's still there, but you can forget about it for a little while, and who knows? if he is dying, maybe he'll die before you get there, and all your angst and pain will be for naught, or maybe he'll die five years from now, and the same result, but with more resentment and anger tacked on because he lied/had no truthful idea. Or... maybe he'll die when you're there, which is hard to do in a week/ snark
EDIT: yeah, totally DO NOT go on Christmas! That's what he wants! That's what he's done in the past! You're seeing him, and that's more than he deserves, if you've had it out with him!

[csquared]

I am not going to tell you whether you should or should not be mad at your grandfather. That is between you and him.

If this was only about your grandfather, Then it would be completely your call. Unfortunately, this not about your grandfather. This is about your mother. Whether she has said so or not, she is going to need you. You need to be there for her. Whether or not you visit grandfather is another story.

As for the BF, this will make a good test. If he is worth his salt, there will be no discussion, He will volunteer to come along. Just like you need to be there for your mother, he will be there for you. He may not want to hang around the hospital, but he will want to be near to support you. If he does not want to be there to support you, then I would ask myself if this is someone I can depend on.

My thoughts. Take it or leave it.

[Android Kaeli]

This may or may not sound harsh, so if it does then I'm sorry in advance.

Do. Not. GO!

Even if you're doing for your mom, even if you're doing it for your father/sister/brother/aunt/whomever, keep your Christmas plans anyways and don't go. Do not give them up all for a man who's screwed you over on so many other holidays and other types of events, 'cause that's what he wants. He wants you and everyone else to stop and drop what they're doing and come rush to his bedside.

If he say's his ill and may die "this Christmas", or other family member's says he's on his last leg, tell him and them that you'll believe it when you see his body being put six feet under. If they want to know why, either tell them that you've given up so many other holidays and events because it was his "last Christmas" or whatever but, yet he's still around or, better yet, tell them that you have already made plans that are non-negoiable and non-refundable.

If your mom and/or the rest of your family still insist you come, tell them that you won't talk to them again until they drop the matter and leave you alone about it. It may piss them off, but I think it's better in the long run that you don't go as you've mentioned you still had some anger about the situation. If you do go, you may just end up hurting more people if you let your anger over this get the better of you, even if it's only for a moment.

It is not worth your time, energy, and yet another Christmas season with your grandfather. As I see it, you've already decided he was dead and buried last April.

[shadowpanda]

It's been really interesting reading everyones advice, and I wanted to give you all an update.

Spoke to the boyf, he said he would come with me if I wanted, but we're gonna get him to his Mums house for Xmas day and he'll work out the logistics at his end.

I am going to travel up to see the grandfather, purely because my Mum needs the support and that is all. My Mum isn't pestering me to go, or emotionally blackmailing me or anything like that, so I don't feel any resentment towards her or anything.

It's not him saying it's his last Xmas, he can barely talk now, it's the hospital consultants that have said he has a few weeks to a month to live. We're only a small family (on my mums side), my Mum/Dad, sister, me and out Uncle (mums brother) and I love them all dearly. I'll do it for them, but not because they are asking me to.

My boyfriend said something that made me giggle. If his Dad said 'this is my last Xmas' so boyf went to see him, then his Dad pulled through, boyf would not talk to him at the next Xmas saying 'You said you were gonna die, I don't talk to dead people'
They have a weird relationship

Thanks for the support guys

[teh_blumchenkinder]

I'm just glad you aren't as at-odds with the rest of your family. Remember, if it gets to be too much, don't be afraid to drop whatever you're holding (metaphorical or otherwise), turn around, and go for a nice long walk. I have to do that when I get pissed off.
Maybe the town where the hospital is offers amenities that your town doesn't, for example go out and see a movie or something.

[Trishlovesdolphins]

Sounds like you've got a good guy there. Good luck.

[blas]

I agree, it sounds like you have a great bf.

And always remember, no matter what advice you get, that you have every right to feel the way you do, and no one should ever make you feel bad and you shouldn't have to doubt your feelings if you don't want to.

There's a reason people doubt others.

[shadowpanda]

Update:

Plans are to drive up after I finish work at noon on Xmas eve, go to the hospital (or halfway residential home if he's been moved) for a bit on Xmas day, then drive the 160 miles home Xmas day evening. My Dad will drive me and my sister back on Xmas day so I can pick up my car and drive to Boyfriends mothers house to spend some time with them. Not sure what my sister will be doing. I just hope that the weather is OK and the roads are clear.

Xmas is far too complicated a time, and I can't imagine what it is like for people without transport, or people who won't be in the same room as eachother (actually, my Uncle (Mums brother) and my Dad fell out for years and we co-ordinated things so that they wouldn't be in a room together)

Hugs to everyone who finds this time of year particularly stressful and I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for everyone