What would you do in this soap opera?

[Sheldonrs]

Here's a bit of background:

My parents were divorced back in 1968, when i was 7 1/2.
I saw my father maybe 4-5 times after that and he had re-married a few months after the divorce.
Back in 1996, shortly after my Mom found out she was dying (cancer) she had to leave her job and go on Disability. After she had applied, she was informed that she was also eligible for Widow's benefits since her former husband had passed away and she had been married to him longer than his 2nd wife.
Mom passed away in March of 1996, before she could collect anything.

When my sisters enquired about the date & cause of death of our father, just for family medical background history information, they were told we would have to go down to the office, fill out a bunch of forms and pay a fee. Since none of us cared enough to do that (he was an abusive jerk who gambled away a not-so-small fortune in businesses he and my Mother owned; and then literally left in the middle of the night after cleaning out my Mom's purse).

Flash back to more current dates, periodically, I will do web searches under his name just to see if any info has become available on when and where he died. In December, I found this article from the NYT:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/14/re...Njzo.html?_r=1

My boss was able to do a Lexis/Nexis search and it is indeed him and his 2nd wife. Same names and ages, etc.

My question is, would you get in touch with him if this was you? after over 40 years? I have very few memories of him, none of them good.

[ApolloSZ]

..... I thought you said he passed away, granting your mum access to Widows benefit?

or did I miss a step?

EDIT - And now I realise I forgot the actual point of the post, I agree with kiakat

[KiaKat]

Sheldon, the real question here is what is the benefit to you for getting in contact with him? Reconciliation? Revenge? Or just a desire to know what happened?

He hasn't been in your life for a very long time. Is it worth it to you to go through the hassle of trying to contact him, only to have him cause you more heartbreak? Do you think he's changed, and is capable of having a relationship with you and your siblings?

It's not an easy situation, by any reckoning. All I can do is ask questions and offer internethugs.

[Sheldonrs]

The only reason i could think of for me getting in touch with him would be to let him know his only son (and most hated child) is gay. ;-)

I sincerely doubt he's changed much, if at all.

[Andara Bledin]

I don't suppose he owes any back child support...

If it were me, I wouldn't bother.

Also, aren't death records pretty much public records? And you can search those by SSN, too.

^-.-^

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Soap opera you say? I'd put a hit on my spouse and elope with my secretary.

Seriously now....

I wouldn't try seeking out your dad. You're living the life you want and that's revenge enough. What do you gain from rubbing it in his face anyway?

[Barefootgirl]

Not quite sure which of the people in that story is your dad (the guy in the photo?) but you know what? I wouldn't. Call me mercenary (many have) but the only reason for getting back in touch would be to claim some of the money which is rightfully yours.

It sounds to me like they've spent most of your inheritance (and they CERTAINLY didnt spend it on clothes if we ARE talking about the couple in the picture). What would you get out of it? A hurtful knock back from a malicious old man? A romantic fairy-tale ending? The ONLY reason I'd get back in touch with him is to find out about family history, nd maybe to let him know that despite what he did to you all, you've made a good life and you're a good person.

[Sheldonrs]

Not quite sure which of the people in that story is your dad (the guy in the photo?) but you know what? I wouldn't. Call me mercenary (many have) but the only reason for getting back in touch would be to claim some of the money which is rightfully yours.

It sounds to me like they've spent most of your inheritance (and they CERTAINLY didnt spend it on clothes if we ARE talking about the couple in the picture). What would you get out of it? A hurtful knock back from a malicious old man? A romantic fairy-tale ending? The ONLY reason I'd get back in touch with him is to find out about family history, nd maybe to let him know that despite what he did to you all, you've made a good life and you're a good person.

Yup, the picture is of them. GOD i hope i don't look like that if i reach that age.

[Mytical]

Depends, the one benefit I might see is learning any past medical history you don't know.

Now as for soap opera...and what I would do? My evil twin would kidnap the android posing as a would be lover of mine, while making clones for world domination..oh and there would be aliens/ghost/and secret islands thrown in for absolutely no reason.

[Der Cute]

The ONLY reason I could see would be getting genetic/medical history.

Otherwise, let sleeping dogs lie. And make stinky farts.

Sheldon, WE don't care if you're gay. WE dont care if you don't comb your hair. WE do worry if you're sick, unhappy and need hugs.

WE are the family. Doesn't have to be blood...can be fiber optic . I consider people family...whom I've known and would give my left boob for. My parents...uh..maybe one of them.

Hugs man. Draw out the classic pro/con. Write letters to Mr. Wrinkles and burn them.
You've accepted MANY years ago he's Not In Life And I'm Not Going To Waste Brain Space. So why start now?

Only pro would be to reconcile and get mass hugs...and apologies. TBH, if he has been consistent in his behavior (999.9999% likely) he ain't gonna. And IF he cared a whit, HE would have sought you out.

Hugs, and have a chocolate cake for me.

[Mytical]

^ Cutenoob put it much better then I could ever have

[Jester]

There are two things here.

First, is that actually them? As you said in your original post, the government believed your father had died, at least at one point. So, either they screwed up (it happens), or this couple has the same names and ages as your father and stepmother, purely by coincidence (which also happens--such a coincidence had one of my older cousins convinced that we were related to a well-known Hollywood family, and it took me much painstaking research to discover his easily-made mistake).

Secondly, if it is in fact your father, you have to decide if it is worth it to you, for whatever reasons you may have, to make contact.

Some reasons that have been put forth are revenge, reconciliation, recompensation, and medical history. If any of these make the contact worth it to you, contact them. If not, don't. A lot of people here are saying not to bother doing it for revenge or recompensation. Perhaps they are right. But only YOU can decide if it would be worth it to you to exact said revenge or financial renumeration. Only you can decide what is right for you.

Having had 3 parents (mom, dad, stepdad), having two of them alive, and having been blessed with all 3 being pretty freaking awesome, I cannot truly know what I would do in your situation, as none of the 3 were ever abusive, nor did any of them ever abandon us. You should take some time and look deep into yourself and decide what is the best course of action for you. None of us can tell you that.

The only reason i could think of for me getting in touch with him would be to let him know his only son (and most hated child) is gay.

And would that be worth whatever satisfaction you would get out of it? It might seem petty to some, but if it is important to you, well, as I said, only you can decide.

The ONLY reason I could see would be getting genetic/medical history.

If in the end you decide this IS the only reason to make contact, but it is something you think is worth it, you can do it through legal channels, i.e., your lawyer, legal representative, or even a business-type letter written by yourself if you don't care to retain legal counsel. If you really need the medical history, you can get it without actually dealing with your father face to face.