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Then I'll be freakin Super Girl when this is over.
Where to start?
Oh I know. Last week. I woke up one day to find I had no internet. Played with the modem and router, no luck. I thought maybe there was an outage. Since my phone goes through the SIM in my router, I couldn't call. So I went to the cable company office in town and found out they got a request to cancel the service. It had been in her name. Fine whatever, I had them turn it back on in my name. They needed her permission to allow me to use the same modem, so they called her and she refused. So I had to buy a new one.
Three days later, I went to my doctor's office for some follow up lab work. Came home to find I had no power. This was in the aftermath of a pretty terrible snow storm. It was freezing cold, and I had no power at all. I went to my church to use their phone and found that she had also ordered it shut off. So I got it set up again in my name. But, they were too busy to get my power back on that day, would have to wait until the following day (Friday). Went by the water department just in case, sure enough it had just been turned off. So fixed that. Called in from work and went to my mom's because there was no way I could spend the night in a freezing house. Also, I have a CPAP for my sleep apnea. It helps me sleep, and keeps me from dying in my sleep (worst case scenario, but it happens). Crashed at my mom's, then came back for a meeting with my lawyer the next morning.
He was PISSED. I told him everything, how she cut the utilities despite the court order saying not to, and all the furniture and property she took from the house after the judge told her not to. So he's going to request she be found in contempt of court. Went back to his office this week and didn't really learn anything new, just did a ton of paperwork.
Let's move ahead to this week. Wednesday started out as a good day. I went to my therapy session in full Kara mode. In broad daylight. My counselor's office is at the intersection of the two main streets in town. It was at this session I had a breakthrough of sorts. My counselor said that it appears my wife has hurt me a lot over the course of our relationship, and asked why I still loved her. She wasn't being mean or anything by it. I said that the good times were wonderful and the bad times were horrible, but the good times were worth it. I said that if I could just love her enough, if she could see how much I love her, that she would love me. That there wouldn't be any more pain. She said to me, "You aren't the first abused woman to say those words." It hit me hard. I mean, yeah, a lot of people have been hinting at it for a very long time. But I didn't see it. I didn't want to see it. The problem had to be me. Everything had to be my fault, it always was. But now I know that wasn't the case. I made my mistakes, I messed things up. But I always said I was sorry. I could count the times she ever said she was sorry on one hand, if I could even remember any. In high school, she became my everything. I turned my back on my friends, my hopes and dreams, everything and anything that didn't include her. All in the name of love. I was easily manipulated, easily controlled, and always ready to take the blame. And I had enough of a temper that it could easily make me out to be the problem, the cause of the problems.
So I didn't know how to feel. Part of me is determined to love her with what's left of my heart. I depend on her. I need her. I'd throw it all away for her again. At least, I thought I would. Yesterday was the latest in this ongoing shitstorm. I got a notice from the DA. It's an order to revoke my bond. Which means I go to jail until this thing is over. She isn't out to hurt me at this point, she's out to crush me. See, when I talked to my lawyer last week, I told him how confusing this all was and that I didn't want to get in trouble. I asked about where it says I can't go to her workplace, because it's a grocery store here in town. There's WM, but I prefer to go to this store. I haven't been since all this happened. He asked me if I knew when she worked. I said last I knew she worked nights. He said it didn't really matter either way. He told me that it's not like she works at an office or private company. It's a public place, a grocery store. I was allowed to go there, and if I happened to see her, it's no different than seeing her anywhere else. All I needed to do was turn around and leave. So the next day , the 12th, I went to the store. I checked the parking lot BEFORE going in, to make sure the van wasn't there, and it wasn't. Then I realized I forgot my shopper's card, so I wouldn't get any sale prices, and I put my stuff back and left. I was in there for not even 10 minutes. I used to work part time at that store a few years ago for extra money, and I know some of the same people she works with. I didn't say ANYTHING to ANYONE. The reason for revoking my bond is due to the fact that it says I was not allowed to go to her workplace, and it also says that witnesses saw me inquiring if she was there. I was in shock. I still am. This is INSANE. Why would I do that when I've clearly been going out of my way to play by the rules while she's been disregarding them left and right? So now I'm supposed to have 2 court appearances on March 7th. One is for my criminal case, and at this point, I don't expect it to happen, it will be continued again. The other is for the issue of revoking my bond. I left a panicked message with my lawyer last night and will be going to his office first thing Monday morning. I'm sure he can take care of this, but I'm really really scared.
I've said it before, but I hate this. Now I know in my heart there is no "us." Not anymore. It wasn't my choice, but that's how it is. She has crossed the line, she's beyond malicious. This is cruelty. I have to keep going, I still have my children to fight for. But I'll admit it's hard to hold my ground at this point.
It may take a lot of time, but one of these days I'll have to have a GOOD update, right? Eventually things will start looking up. That's what everyone says. That's what I have to try to hold onto.
Where to start?
Oh I know. Last week. I woke up one day to find I had no internet. Played with the modem and router, no luck. I thought maybe there was an outage. Since my phone goes through the SIM in my router, I couldn't call. So I went to the cable company office in town and found out they got a request to cancel the service. It had been in her name. Fine whatever, I had them turn it back on in my name. They needed her permission to allow me to use the same modem, so they called her and she refused. So I had to buy a new one.
Three days later, I went to my doctor's office for some follow up lab work. Came home to find I had no power. This was in the aftermath of a pretty terrible snow storm. It was freezing cold, and I had no power at all. I went to my church to use their phone and found that she had also ordered it shut off. So I got it set up again in my name. But, they were too busy to get my power back on that day, would have to wait until the following day (Friday). Went by the water department just in case, sure enough it had just been turned off. So fixed that. Called in from work and went to my mom's because there was no way I could spend the night in a freezing house. Also, I have a CPAP for my sleep apnea. It helps me sleep, and keeps me from dying in my sleep (worst case scenario, but it happens). Crashed at my mom's, then came back for a meeting with my lawyer the next morning.
He was PISSED. I told him everything, how she cut the utilities despite the court order saying not to, and all the furniture and property she took from the house after the judge told her not to. So he's going to request she be found in contempt of court. Went back to his office this week and didn't really learn anything new, just did a ton of paperwork.
Let's move ahead to this week. Wednesday started out as a good day. I went to my therapy session in full Kara mode. In broad daylight. My counselor's office is at the intersection of the two main streets in town. It was at this session I had a breakthrough of sorts. My counselor said that it appears my wife has hurt me a lot over the course of our relationship, and asked why I still loved her. She wasn't being mean or anything by it. I said that the good times were wonderful and the bad times were horrible, but the good times were worth it. I said that if I could just love her enough, if she could see how much I love her, that she would love me. That there wouldn't be any more pain. She said to me, "You aren't the first abused woman to say those words." It hit me hard. I mean, yeah, a lot of people have been hinting at it for a very long time. But I didn't see it. I didn't want to see it. The problem had to be me. Everything had to be my fault, it always was. But now I know that wasn't the case. I made my mistakes, I messed things up. But I always said I was sorry. I could count the times she ever said she was sorry on one hand, if I could even remember any. In high school, she became my everything. I turned my back on my friends, my hopes and dreams, everything and anything that didn't include her. All in the name of love. I was easily manipulated, easily controlled, and always ready to take the blame. And I had enough of a temper that it could easily make me out to be the problem, the cause of the problems.
So I didn't know how to feel. Part of me is determined to love her with what's left of my heart. I depend on her. I need her. I'd throw it all away for her again. At least, I thought I would. Yesterday was the latest in this ongoing shitstorm. I got a notice from the DA. It's an order to revoke my bond. Which means I go to jail until this thing is over. She isn't out to hurt me at this point, she's out to crush me. See, when I talked to my lawyer last week, I told him how confusing this all was and that I didn't want to get in trouble. I asked about where it says I can't go to her workplace, because it's a grocery store here in town. There's WM, but I prefer to go to this store. I haven't been since all this happened. He asked me if I knew when she worked. I said last I knew she worked nights. He said it didn't really matter either way. He told me that it's not like she works at an office or private company. It's a public place, a grocery store. I was allowed to go there, and if I happened to see her, it's no different than seeing her anywhere else. All I needed to do was turn around and leave. So the next day , the 12th, I went to the store. I checked the parking lot BEFORE going in, to make sure the van wasn't there, and it wasn't. Then I realized I forgot my shopper's card, so I wouldn't get any sale prices, and I put my stuff back and left. I was in there for not even 10 minutes. I used to work part time at that store a few years ago for extra money, and I know some of the same people she works with. I didn't say ANYTHING to ANYONE. The reason for revoking my bond is due to the fact that it says I was not allowed to go to her workplace, and it also says that witnesses saw me inquiring if she was there. I was in shock. I still am. This is INSANE. Why would I do that when I've clearly been going out of my way to play by the rules while she's been disregarding them left and right? So now I'm supposed to have 2 court appearances on March 7th. One is for my criminal case, and at this point, I don't expect it to happen, it will be continued again. The other is for the issue of revoking my bond. I left a panicked message with my lawyer last night and will be going to his office first thing Monday morning. I'm sure he can take care of this, but I'm really really scared.
I've said it before, but I hate this. Now I know in my heart there is no "us." Not anymore. It wasn't my choice, but that's how it is. She has crossed the line, she's beyond malicious. This is cruelty. I have to keep going, I still have my children to fight for. But I'll admit it's hard to hold my ground at this point.
It may take a lot of time, but one of these days I'll have to have a GOOD update, right? Eventually things will start looking up. That's what everyone says. That's what I have to try to hold onto.
This is utterly ridiculous. I'm so glad to read these words: "Now I know in my heart there is no "us." Not anymore. It wasn't my choice, but that's how it is."
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