How Hina became a Hermit (A rant from a cave dweller)

[hinakiba777]

When I was growing up I only had school friends. I had people who I would hang out with during class, recess, and lunch. But I didn't have people who came over to my house to play. I think this was mostly due to the fact that my house was a ten minute drive from town, so people couldn't easily come over. I had people I played kickball with before class started in Middle School, but didn't usually have people to talk to on the bus. So I started to listen to my CD player on the bus until I got to school and could play kick ball.

In high school it was much the same thing. By this point I had extra curricular activities, so while i had no one to spend my weekends with usually, I still had points during the week where I interacted with people outside school hours. This is how my over achieving faze started. I was part of almost every non sports club in my high school. There was part of me that really thought I was just trying to better myself, but for the most part I was aware that this just gave me the opportunity to have human interaction. It was around this time that people started having me over to their house. This was a very rare. I mostly attributed it to the fact I lived outside town, which was mostly true. I tended to get a lot of invitations to hang out, but with no way to get into town, it didn't happen. I didn't get invited to many parties, mostly because I wasn't friends with the people who threw them. Or, I would not hear about the party until the day after, and my parents wouldn't let me wander around the woods in the middle of the night anyway.

When I got to university, I actually did a lot better. I thank this mostly to the fact we all lived on campus. No one was ever so far away that you couldn't just wander over to their room. So I began to go to parties, hang out with people well into the night, and just do stuff. I amassed quite an extensive group of friends and acquitances. Friends were the people who I spent time with whenever, and acquaintaces being those I just talked to when they were around. By second year, I had started losing friends and gaining acquaintances. It was not until almost the end of the year I knew what was happening. You see, my friends had friends who weren't friends with me. This is fine, however, everyone had begun to eat meals together. This too was fine. Sadly, there were a handful of people in the group at large who did not like me. So, while I ate with my friends, they no longer invited me to hang out. Since every event was everyone we knew, I was never invited.

This is when the hermitting began. I would eat quickly, or eat alone when it was meal time. Then I spent all my free time in my room. It got to the point that My friends could go for a week without ever seeing me. However, my job working for the university kept me in the public eye. So everyone on campus was aware I was alive. Even if they didn't see me for more than once a week. One of my dear friends began working out with me weekly. I think this was more to show me I still had friends and hang out with me, than to just be healthy.

It was around March when I learned that my friend's friends did not like me. So i was less upset with my close friends for not including me in their partying. I began to just hangout in my friends room randomly, and I started readjusting. In third year, the group had become too large for my best friend to handle, so she separated herself from it. By this point many of our close friends lived off campus, so we went out a lot more to hang out with them. I saw my acquaintances when I worked and at meal hall, and I hung out with my friend's a lot. This was my most social, and least hermity. I had a lot of friends by this point. A few separate groups. So I could usually find someone to hang out with, it was a pretty awesome.

Yes, I am still very good friends with my close friends from my first university. And I visited them during break last summer. But they are very far away, and moving farther away soon. I talk to the often, but that is on MSN or skype.

Then I transferred, for various reason and the hermitting got a lot worse. This school does not have a meal hall so there was no meal time interaction with other students, and this school didn't have a quad so there was no randomly talking to students and just hanging out. I had a single room, and many of the people on my floor were quite annoying. So I didn't interact with them. I had anime club, and hung out in the student lounge during the day with people. I also watched TV in my dorm lounge, so I was antisocial, but not a full on hermit yet. I made a few friends in the dorms that I would visit, and a few friends in the apartments on campus i would see. Plus one friend who lived off campus. I was in about the same place as I had been in second year. While I did spend a little time hanging out with people, i spent a lot of time in my room, plus I ate there now. Still I saw people.

This year, I became a total hermit. I moved into the campus apartments. I have a lovely 4 bedroom with 1.5 bathrooms. No longer living in the dorms I did not meet as many people, and the people I did meet did not have schedules that matched mine. I had friend who I hung out in the stupid lounge with, but no one did anything with me outside those hours, except anime club. In another post I talked about how bitchy my roommates can be, one in particular is very critical of me. Though in the past week she has completely stopped talking to me.

I have gone almost full hermit. I only leave my room for class and anime club, both of which are over. Sometimes if i can find people to hang out with between classes, I will do that, but if I cannot then I return to the apartment. At the start of the semester I used to hang out in the living room a bit, but I don't feel like dealing with my roommates so I don't. Perhaps at one point I will make a post about my issues with them. Two of them are fine, and I will probably be living with them next year. The third is really horrible for a lot of reasons, and she already rubs me raw so dealing with the okay ones is still a little too much when they get critical. Not cruel critical just gentle ribbing.

I spend all of my time in my room, leaving only to use the bathroom or leave the apartment. Though, as I said, I rarely leave the apartment. I only eat when no one is in the common space. Slinking out like a roach when the lights are out in search of food. Though I'm not allowed cooking anything after ten or before 8, so I haven't been eating very well.

Anyway, this little rant was for three reasons.
1) I wanted to vent about being confined to my room
2) I want to vent about not having friends.
3) I would like to get some advice on how to make friends.

I really don't want to spend next year hidden in my room with nothing to do from Friday afternoon until Monday morning. I want to make friends and do stuff with them. So I will take your suggestions. Please note that this school has a really high turn over rate for various reasons, so almost all of the people I hung out with this year will be off at other schools in September. Which was one of the reasons I had no one to hang out with this year, 98% of the people i hung out with left. Anyway, advice on making friends. Friends who i can hang out with, not just play Magic Cards in the lounge. Also note that no one in the anime club hangs out with me outside of club meetings.

So yeah, how to make friends....

[Mytical]

Unfortunately I can not give much advice about making friends. I am a bit hermit like myself, and somewhat anti-social. Including being awkward in social situations. So I wish I could help you, but all I can offer is that if we ever meet face to face we will hang out

[teh_blumchenkinder]

hm... well if the school itself has a high turnover rate, find someone who lives in the community? Or... lives where your family does?
mm... also, thirdroomie needs to have a ... okay I won't say that. She's a butthead for making you feel unwelcome in your own apartment. I hope she leaves or gets the stick out of her butt. If things get desperate go Psycho on her (note the capital P). Yell and scream and act crazy, maybe she'll get the point. Or just ignore her when she's yapping at you, try not to react. If she goes for your stuff/what you're doing, tell her that you'll call the cops for destruction of property or some such.
But that's just me.

[Barracuda]

If you're a Christian, see about joining a small group at church, like a College/Young Adult Singles group. If not, see about taking a class at the local community center to meet people. Volunteer at a local soup kitchen, that is a good way to meet people as well. See if there is a local game store that has game nights and learn a game that looks fun, then meet people doing it. Um...also check if there are other clubs on campus you may find interesting, or take a fun class like Intro to Improv Acting. As far as how to make friends...I have problems making friends too, although God has blessed my efforts lately (made a bunch of friends at a church small group I didn't know before, randomly had a group of people interested in me teaching them D&D fall into my lap, now we meet at least once a week.) Best advice, don't rush things and put yourself out there. It's hard to come out of your shell, but if you don't, people won't understand the real you. If you don't click with a group right away, take your time and keep going, getting to know people can take time.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Well, even if she isn't, 'religious' organizations usually have fellowship type thingies. Other than that, yeah, what Barracuda said.
It's the transient nature of her college that I'm concerned about. It's probably like that in the fellowships too, unless there are sufficient towines in them... not sure of the town, either. Mine's big, and most who attend my university don't go anywhere.

[hinakiba777]

Just reading what you have said here so far I just want to make a few points.
1) I won't be leaving campus to meet people. First because I would rather had friends my own age with similar goals, and second because this is a small town in the North Atlantic, it'd a little backwater.
2) I am not looking for friends back home. teh_blumchenkinder already suggested finding people near where my family lives. I actually have friends back home. I'm looking for away to find people around here to hang out with. Otherwise I'm still just sitting in my room on Skype on Friday night.
3) I'm not exactly looking for long term friends. I was happy with my relationship with the people i was friends with last year. It's more that I am looking for activity buddies for the year. People I can actually hang out with outside of school hours.

Thanks for the advice so far.

[Mytical]

Is there a cafeteria in your college? Hanging out there might enable you to find some people to just hang with.

[BlaqueKatt]

Is there a cafeteria in your college? Hanging out there might enable you to find some people to just hang with.

from the OP-no it doesn't

This school does not have a meal hall so there was no meal time interaction with other students, and this school didn't have a quad so there was no randomly talking to students and just hanging out.

I've met some interesting people for recurring hang outs or one-time things on craigslist-yes strange I know, but worth a shot.

[Sapphire Silk]

hinka, I can appreciate your situation having had some similar experiences of my own in Middle, High school, and later college.

First of all bear in mind many of your "friends" from early college were not friends at all, but rather "fair weather friends" who are happy to be around when things are good, but not really interested in the deep personal investment required of true friendship.

A true friend is someone you can call at 2am in an emergency and they will rally to your side. A true friend is someone who will dare to tell you an unpleasant truth because they care for your well being. A true friend is someone who wants to share in both your triumphs and your tragedies.

Needless to say, most people don't have more than a handful of true friends. Quite frankly, I've got exactly three myself: Evil Empryss and her Evil Overlord, and my friend J. from the community college/hospice.

I have lots of casual friends and acquaintances. And in spite of that, it's not unusal for me to spend significant time alone at home: that's my Asperger's kicking in.

Which brings me to my point: what is it you want out of friendship?

Do you want someone who will be there for you through thick and thin? If you do, bear in mind that that kind of friendship requires a LOT of work. You have to sacrifice for the friend as much as they sacrifice for you. You see, you have to reciprocate that willingness to get up at 2am to go to the rescue of a friend in need.

Maybe the reason some of your friends have drifted off is because they perceived (rightly or wrongly) that you weren't willing to do that.

Of course, some of them (maybe most of them) probably drifted off for exactly the reasons you said. They were never more than fair weather friends in the first place, and found more value in their other friends that did not like you. That's a harsh thing to say, but it is human nature. Quite frankly, you are well shut of those kinds of "friends" anyway.

So how do you make new friends?

Quite simply, you have to put yourself out there. You will not make a single new friend sitting in your room.

This very same issue you are wrestling with now confronted me only recently. 10 years ago, I was swimming in friends and had a very active social life outside of work. In fact, the majority of my friends were NOT friends from work (I tend not to socialize with my colleagues on a regular basis; no real reason for it, just the way it turned out). Then I moved to California, and for some reason couldn't seem to get myself re-established socially there. I had a handful of casual friends, 2 real friends, and that was it. And for awhile I didn't realize what I was missing in life . . . but I struggled with pain and depression and didn't understand why I was unhappy.

Then I moved to North Carolina, and again had only my 3 current real friends for a long time. No real social life at all and few casual friends as well.

Then it hit me what the problem was. The problem was me. I wasn't putting myself out there. I wasn't interacting and making any effort to build new friendships. I was just coasting . . . getting by with the minimum I had.

I got tired of that, and worked to make a change. Here are the things I did to start building the new friendships I am working on now:

1. Volunteer work. I volunteer at a women's homeless shelter once a month. I'm building relationships with my fellow volunteers as well as some of the more regular residents of the shelter.

2. Tae Kwon Do. When I made the committment to a total lifestyle change in order to be healthier, I realized that working out at home alone was not going to work. I needed human interaction to stay focused and to help me push myself. With some trepidation, I got back into the martial arts. I had two things holding me back: fear that I would not physically be able to keep up (which was unfounded, I do fine) and a fear of new people and new situations. I almost had a panic attack the first day of class. I almost didn't go for fear of meeting new people. The only reason I did go was I'd signed a contract and would have to pay on it whether I went or not. So I went.

And found a warm, welcoming group of people who were happy to meet me and help me integrate into the class. There are several other folks who started around the same time I did whom I am getting to know better. They're still acquaintances now, but we talk more and more about our personal lives before and after class and in due time I expect they will transition to casual friends before too much longer.

3. Meetup. When I was in college back in the 80's, I was very active in the school's Outdoor Club (was a club officer for several years). I love hiking, camping, canoeing, any kind of outdoor activity. After moving away from Delaware, though, I lost contact with old friends and the outlet to do a lot of those things. I did them on my own in California, which isn't really safe, and gradually stopped doing them altogether. My therapist suggested Meetup as a way to get back into things. It worked. The local Meetup is very welcoming and accommodating, and does all kinds of regular activities year round. (I haven't been too active lately due to other committments, but hope to get back involved in the next month or two now that I am getting back into good physical shape).

The great thing about Meetup is there is one for every interest under the sun. Do be a bit careful . . . one group I looked into turned out to be a lonely hearts club, which is not what I was looking for at all. If one group doesn't work out, try another. It's a great way to find places to be . . . the friendships will follow.

Since you are more interested in people your own age, college clubs would be the way to go. If you attend a large university they are bound to have all sorts of clubs, and they can't restrict membership. All you have to do is go, and participate.

4. Consider whether or not depression is a factor in your hermitage. When people lose interest in previous friends and activities, and withdraw more and more to themselves, that is a huge red flag for depression. Perhaps the reason some of your new acquaintances of your old friends do not like you is because they noted this in your personality, and chose to ignore you rather than lend an offer of an ear to bend.

Depression hurts: it hurts emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. We get real physical aches and pains from it.

I strongly urge you to consider talking to a mental health counselor about the possibility of depression (your school may offer one for free). Talk therapy is great if you just need to vent . . . for awhile. But eventually, ask for homework and help making a plan to change your life to fight the depression off.

This is what I did after my dad died, and it works. I am light years away from where I was two years ago, and infinitely happier for it. It was hard at first. As a friend has often told me, "when you are buried up to your neck in crap, all you can see around you is . . . crap."

5. Consider making friends outside your peer group. I know you said you wanted to make friends your own age. Consider older friends. You'd be amazed how good friends they can be. They are past the self centered, residual high school behaviors for the most part. They are (usually) more mature and better grounded. They are more likely to understand the differences between casual and true friendship, and be more interested in developing the latter. Some of my best friends in college were older than me.

Bottom line: no matter what you ultimately do, expect it to involve a lot of work on your part. It takes time, energy, and effort to build friendships. When you get involved, offer to help out . . . for example, setting up and cleaning up, or picking things up from a store. Make yourself useful and part of the team. It will be noticed and appreciated by at least one person. You won't make close friends with everyone, but you will pick up more friends as you go.

I wish you the very best . . . keep us updated on how you are doing.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Yeah, I was trying to 'play the field' and pretty much guess. But... that being said, what other clubs are there besides Anime? Is there like a hiking, swimming, or other 'sports' type thing/club?
(I also guessed that, like the rest of Canada not the southern coasts/near the Great Lakes, it was a smaller town. Go me!)
What I had been suggesting was that "Is there anyone at College that used to live in YourFormerTown?" That way, you can hang out now, in person, and, if you intend to move back, hang out when you're both in town again.
Panacea... epic posting on Friendship... and I've bookmarked it, but I'm thinking Hina wants "tool around town" buds, rather than ... soulmates.

[Sapphire Silk]

Panacea... epic posting on Friendship... and I've bookmarked it, but I'm thinking Hina wants "tool around town" buds, rather than ... soulmates.

Thanks. I guess I see something different in what she wrote . . .

Either way, I think my suggestions apply though

[hinakiba777]

Panacea's post was pretty epic. I might have to bookmark it and check it out later.

Though TB is right, I am just looking for people to hang out with more than actual friends. The transient nature of my school, mostly due to the fact it's only like 1300 students, makes lifelong friendships difficult. I do have a handful of close friends who just aren't near by, and I'm happy with them for now. Once I myself become less transient, I will probably look for more long term friendships.

I think the lack of sports this semester may have contributed to me not gaining friends. Sports and gym passes are a separate cost from tuition, so you don't automatically get one. I was low on cash most of the semester, so I did not get the opportunity to go swimming, skating, or to the gym.

Pancea's suggestion that I might be suffering from depression kind of strikes a chord with me. There have been a lot of people tossing around a few ideas like that with me. Social Anxiety, general anxiety, depression, bipolar affective disorder, or a mixture, have been suggested as reasons for certain problems i have. The problem is that talking to a councelor scares the crap out of me. People in general tend to scary me a little, but as long as I'm not one on one with a stranger I can mold into the conversation. The idea of seeking out a single person to deal with an issue always makes me anxious. So I'm not sure how to jump that hurdle.

[trailerparkmedic]

The idea of seeking out a single person to deal with an issue always makes me anxious. So I'm not sure how to jump that hurdle.

Tell the counseling center that. They will have ideas on how to work with you. Let them know if there is a particular type of person (older? younger? male? female?) that you'd feel less terrified to talk to.

[MoonCat]

Panacea's advice is great. Hina, I know where you're coming from, being shy and uncomfortable around people. It's taken me a long time to be comfortable being around strangers, and I still don't have the confidence to just walk up and introduce myself to people.

Shy people tend to give off a "leave me alone" vibe. It's in the way we hold ourselves, in our facial expressions and body movements. I had to learn to be aware of that and consciously relax. It's not easy.

One bit of advice I've seen that makes sense is this: If you want people to want to be around you, show an interest in them. People love to talk about themselves. If you have a shared interest, that's a starting point. Ask them how they got involved in whatever activity you're doing, how long they've been doing it, do they have any advice or suggestions about it, and so on. People will remember you as a nice person because you showed an interest in them, and they're more likely to want to hang out with you.