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I know this has to be hard for a parent to deal with. I understand that, I really, really do. It can't be easy for a parent to think that their son (or daughter) may grow up to be their daughter (or son). But now we're at the point where I'm starting to think my mother is deliberately trying to NOT understand, despite her claims otherwise. At least she's starting to be more direct. Trying to make me see that I'm wrong, that I need to listen to "reason."
She called me this morning. And for the first time, she came right out and said the things she'd been dancing around until now. And really, their the exact things I've assumed she wanted to say and I already have preempted them several times in past conversations and said all this before. I'll address these points.
I don't understand - I never expected her to, not right away. If it makes anyone feel any better, I don't understand it either, and I've been researching transgender/transsexual/intersex issues in my spare time for over a decade. I don't know why I am the way I am, I don't know why my sex and my gender don't match, I don't know why I never recognized that boy looking back at me from the mirror, I don't know what causes this. No one does, because the funding to properly research, study, and analyze what makes people like me tick doesn't exist. There are loads of theories I could share, but since we're a Christian family, why don't we go with the one I liked the most: God can do ANYTHING He wants and created me this way.
I don't know why you want to be a girl - Right. I got bored and decided it would be more fun to be a girl. Cause I wasn't depressed enough when I was going through my angsty teenage years. I decided it would be better, more convenient, and just more fun to risk being labeled a freak, spending my life as an isolated social outcast, and face potential hate-driven violence against me any time I left my house. I considered all these (and loads of other) things and said, "yeah, it's gonna be AWESOME." It had nothing to do with what came naturally to me, the way my brain was wired, or the years of inner conflict.
You don't have to wear those clothes / You can get lotions that don't have a scent - Of course, those are valid points. In fact, for the most part, I wear t-shirts and jeans. I still have all my graphic tees, because I like them. But I also have nicer clothes I like to wear when I go out with my friends. In fact, now that the hormones are changing my body's profile, things that hug certain curves fit me much better. And I actually am starting to "need" the support of a bra rather than just wearing one because it's part of "living as a woman." And I don't buy out the Japanese Cherry Blossom section at Bath & Body Works just because it's a "feminine" scent, I do so because I, as an individual with individual tastes, love it. Forever.
What will people say about you? - Well, including my friends, my coworkers, and people here who all know the real me, they use words like "brave," "strong," "admirable," "courageous," "happy," and "amazing." I've been hearing it on this site for years, but I'm hearing it in the real world now too. "I look up to you." "You're a role model." It happened on my birthday, and it wasn't the first time, but I was out at the gay bar and was all prettied up and I was walking over to chat with a friend when someone took hold of my free hand (the other had a drink in it). I stopped and turned around and there was some girl I'd never seen before, didn't know her at all. And she squeezed my hand and said, "You are so beautiful. I just want you to know that." A RANDOM STRANGER. That NEVER happened to me EVER. And now, it does. People can see me for me now. Do you think anyone who's going to throw hateful words my way is going to take that from me? For that matter, you have NO IDEA the mean, nasty, terrible, and hateful things people said to me because of my jobs. Since I started at the prison, I actually hear less name-calling, wishes for my children to die, and threats of getting my ass kicked than I EVER did in retail and customer service. That's right, inmates, many of whom are the sickest and most depraved people in existence, have more tact than your average irate customer.
What if you get hurt? - The world is a dangerous place. What if I'm driving in Wichita and someone decides to walk up and blow my brains out, take my car, and leave me for dead in the street? What if someone doesn't know I don't have much for valuables in my home and breaks in during the night and I wake up and he kills me so I can't identify him? Is the fact that I don't carry cash on me going to be evident to someone until they've stabbed me, run off, and are digging through my purse? Would they have known any different if I'd been carrying an empty wallet? You can't spend your life living in constant fear of every potential threat. Oh, and I do know how to fight. I may not be able to do slow-motion spiraling jump-kicks, but if I can get a grip on your hand, it will take me all of 4 seconds to make it twist in a way that will dislocate your shoulder. And if I put a teensy bit of force into it, I'll break your arm in about 3 places. And if I can't do that, I can fight you off until help arrives. I've done it before at work.
You are a boy. You know that, right? - I know that my body is physically, with a few quirks notwithstanding, male. But going back to all that research I've done over the years, there are major distinctions between sex and gender. Gender is far more varied than most people realize.
Your boys need a father. They need to know what a father does - My boys, and my daughter, need a parent who loves them, supports them, and encourages them. I can't fake acting like a boy, I never could. The best I could do was agree with whatever guys around me were saying. I grew up around boys and I still don't understand them. Pretending to be one of them does not change my opinions, my self-image, my beliefs, my attitude, or my instincts. I will teach my boys the values that I think they should have as far as how to respect others and how to behave, but I can't show them what a "boy" does because I don't know. And are we really going to separate everything into little boxes labeled "boy" and "girl?" My sister watches football. Did mom ever tell her she can't do that because it's not a "girl" thing? Not once.
You're going too fast with this - It took me 30 years to get here, I don't know how I could have gone much slower.
What's wrong with (My Given Name)? He's a nice guy - No, he's not. He was an asshole. This has been confirmed by people who knew me then and who are now close friends. I didn't even say much to ANYONE because the more I talked, the more my voice, which is naturally softer, went up. And my mother NEVER REALLY KNEW ME. I isolated myself to my bedroom, never talked to anyone in my family if I could avoid it, and shut everyone out every chance I could get. She didn't even know I was dating my ex in high school until several months later when someone else told her. Well, she did see a lot of me when we got internet, because I was always on the computer. Always. Because it didn't take me long at all to find out that was a place where I could be "me." I was safely anonymous, and finally had an outlet to express my true personality.
What if it was me? What if you saw a neighbor you always knew as a man dressed as a woman? What if it's one of your children? - I don't even feel like I have to address this one. Like I wouldn't understand?
I don't want you to stop being you - Good. Neither do I.
I think that's about it. I'm just tired of having the same argument over and over, but I don't know what else to do but give her time and put up with this song and dance routine. Last week she even said, "You were always so private. You kept to yourself. You're just so... open and utgoing now. And that's just not you!" And I'm sitting there trying to figure out why she thinks that's a bad thing.
I just wish I could get her to look past the end of her nose and see me the way so many other people see me now. But that part's really not up to me, I guess. It's up to her.
She called me this morning. And for the first time, she came right out and said the things she'd been dancing around until now. And really, their the exact things I've assumed she wanted to say and I already have preempted them several times in past conversations and said all this before. I'll address these points.
I don't understand - I never expected her to, not right away. If it makes anyone feel any better, I don't understand it either, and I've been researching transgender/transsexual/intersex issues in my spare time for over a decade. I don't know why I am the way I am, I don't know why my sex and my gender don't match, I don't know why I never recognized that boy looking back at me from the mirror, I don't know what causes this. No one does, because the funding to properly research, study, and analyze what makes people like me tick doesn't exist. There are loads of theories I could share, but since we're a Christian family, why don't we go with the one I liked the most: God can do ANYTHING He wants and created me this way.
I don't know why you want to be a girl - Right. I got bored and decided it would be more fun to be a girl. Cause I wasn't depressed enough when I was going through my angsty teenage years. I decided it would be better, more convenient, and just more fun to risk being labeled a freak, spending my life as an isolated social outcast, and face potential hate-driven violence against me any time I left my house. I considered all these (and loads of other) things and said, "yeah, it's gonna be AWESOME." It had nothing to do with what came naturally to me, the way my brain was wired, or the years of inner conflict.
You don't have to wear those clothes / You can get lotions that don't have a scent - Of course, those are valid points. In fact, for the most part, I wear t-shirts and jeans. I still have all my graphic tees, because I like them. But I also have nicer clothes I like to wear when I go out with my friends. In fact, now that the hormones are changing my body's profile, things that hug certain curves fit me much better. And I actually am starting to "need" the support of a bra rather than just wearing one because it's part of "living as a woman." And I don't buy out the Japanese Cherry Blossom section at Bath & Body Works just because it's a "feminine" scent, I do so because I, as an individual with individual tastes, love it. Forever.
What will people say about you? - Well, including my friends, my coworkers, and people here who all know the real me, they use words like "brave," "strong," "admirable," "courageous," "happy," and "amazing." I've been hearing it on this site for years, but I'm hearing it in the real world now too. "I look up to you." "You're a role model." It happened on my birthday, and it wasn't the first time, but I was out at the gay bar and was all prettied up and I was walking over to chat with a friend when someone took hold of my free hand (the other had a drink in it). I stopped and turned around and there was some girl I'd never seen before, didn't know her at all. And she squeezed my hand and said, "You are so beautiful. I just want you to know that." A RANDOM STRANGER. That NEVER happened to me EVER. And now, it does. People can see me for me now. Do you think anyone who's going to throw hateful words my way is going to take that from me? For that matter, you have NO IDEA the mean, nasty, terrible, and hateful things people said to me because of my jobs. Since I started at the prison, I actually hear less name-calling, wishes for my children to die, and threats of getting my ass kicked than I EVER did in retail and customer service. That's right, inmates, many of whom are the sickest and most depraved people in existence, have more tact than your average irate customer.
What if you get hurt? - The world is a dangerous place. What if I'm driving in Wichita and someone decides to walk up and blow my brains out, take my car, and leave me for dead in the street? What if someone doesn't know I don't have much for valuables in my home and breaks in during the night and I wake up and he kills me so I can't identify him? Is the fact that I don't carry cash on me going to be evident to someone until they've stabbed me, run off, and are digging through my purse? Would they have known any different if I'd been carrying an empty wallet? You can't spend your life living in constant fear of every potential threat. Oh, and I do know how to fight. I may not be able to do slow-motion spiraling jump-kicks, but if I can get a grip on your hand, it will take me all of 4 seconds to make it twist in a way that will dislocate your shoulder. And if I put a teensy bit of force into it, I'll break your arm in about 3 places. And if I can't do that, I can fight you off until help arrives. I've done it before at work.
You are a boy. You know that, right? - I know that my body is physically, with a few quirks notwithstanding, male. But going back to all that research I've done over the years, there are major distinctions between sex and gender. Gender is far more varied than most people realize.
Your boys need a father. They need to know what a father does - My boys, and my daughter, need a parent who loves them, supports them, and encourages them. I can't fake acting like a boy, I never could. The best I could do was agree with whatever guys around me were saying. I grew up around boys and I still don't understand them. Pretending to be one of them does not change my opinions, my self-image, my beliefs, my attitude, or my instincts. I will teach my boys the values that I think they should have as far as how to respect others and how to behave, but I can't show them what a "boy" does because I don't know. And are we really going to separate everything into little boxes labeled "boy" and "girl?" My sister watches football. Did mom ever tell her she can't do that because it's not a "girl" thing? Not once.
You're going too fast with this - It took me 30 years to get here, I don't know how I could have gone much slower.
What's wrong with (My Given Name)? He's a nice guy - No, he's not. He was an asshole. This has been confirmed by people who knew me then and who are now close friends. I didn't even say much to ANYONE because the more I talked, the more my voice, which is naturally softer, went up. And my mother NEVER REALLY KNEW ME. I isolated myself to my bedroom, never talked to anyone in my family if I could avoid it, and shut everyone out every chance I could get. She didn't even know I was dating my ex in high school until several months later when someone else told her. Well, she did see a lot of me when we got internet, because I was always on the computer. Always. Because it didn't take me long at all to find out that was a place where I could be "me." I was safely anonymous, and finally had an outlet to express my true personality.
What if it was me? What if you saw a neighbor you always knew as a man dressed as a woman? What if it's one of your children? - I don't even feel like I have to address this one. Like I wouldn't understand?
I don't want you to stop being you - Good. Neither do I.
I think that's about it. I'm just tired of having the same argument over and over, but I don't know what else to do but give her time and put up with this song and dance routine. Last week she even said, "You were always so private. You kept to yourself. You're just so... open and utgoing now. And that's just not you!" And I'm sitting there trying to figure out why she thinks that's a bad thing.
I just wish I could get her to look past the end of her nose and see me the way so many other people see me now. But that part's really not up to me, I guess. It's up to her.
I hate that your mom wills herself not to see and understand.
And no, I didn't give him the idea to use them, mother-in-law, he just wanted to. (Despite this, I think he's probably a straight boy given who he tends to have crushes on. And he states that he is 100% boy.) But wherever his life takes him, I'll be there. 
You aren't going to just STOP being who you are.
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