For the first time ever I completely f-ed up a meal..

[Dilorenzo]

Don't feel bad. Humidity can vary greatly and affect recipes like that. It's not you.

Oh no, trust me, this one was me. I've made em plenty of times, only completely screwed this batch by putting in too much sugar and milk. Remade em the next day, and they came out fine.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

thanks reimero! Now I can buy dry beans without too much anxiety now... canned beans are heavy on the cans... XD

[draggar]

My wife decided to remind me that I did completely mess up a meal one other time but it was YEARS ago (1999?). I was attempting to make Bahn Xeo (sp? - Vietnamese pizza / pancakes).

Yes, I baely remember it but that was inedible.

I never attempted it again.

[Jester]

Years ago, when I was traveling the country, I went bicycling in DC with my friend Azore. At one point he and I were taking a break, just chilling at this one area on the water in Georgetown, and we started talking to another cyclist who was there, also taking a break. And we started talking about helmets. The other guy had one with him. I owned a couple, but had chosen not to wear any that day. Azore, who had just started bicycling a month before, said he didn't own a helmet, as he "didn't crash." To which myself and the other cyclist started laughing. When Azore asked us what was so funny, we told him, "if you ride, you will crash. It's just the way it is." Several months later, I heard from Azore. He told me he had bought a helmet. "You crashed, didn't you?" I asked him. He had.

If you ride, you will crash. If you cook, you will fuck something up. It's just the way it is. The law of averages, if you will. You ride (or cook) enough, something, somehow is going to go horribly, horribly wrong.

Now, I consider myself a good cook. My friend Popcorn, who enjoys giving me shit whenever and wherever possible, said to someone in the bar we were in last night, "Don't tell Jester this, but he's a really good cook." Coming from Popcorn, that was high praise indeed.

But as I said, if you ride, you crash. And I have crashed in the kitchen many, many times. My first dismal failure came as a child, when I thought it would be a great idea to make a bologna and grape jelly sandwich. It wasn't.

Then there was the Thanksgiving meal I made for my friends. The ham with bourbon glaze was awesome. The sourdough stuffing was spectacular. The tropical cranberry sauce completely changed my one friend's mind about cranberry sauce. And the horseradish redskin mashed potatoes....came out as horseradish redskin potato glop. Bordering on soup. They tasted okay, but visually and texturally, they were a train wreck. Years later, I still occasionally get shit for that one.

Then there was the mushroom cheese spread I made for a cookoff. I was surprised that they allowed me to come back to any cookoffs after that disaster. It looked questionable, and tasted worse.

And then there was the bacon, beer, and cheese soup. Made with real bacon grease! It was even worse than it sounds. Possibly my biggest flop since the bologna and jelly sandwich of my childhood. Sadly, that one was doomed from my initial conception of it, which was just a train wreck.

I use all of my failures, both in the kitchen and in life, as learning experiences. For example, I learned a hell of a lot from my experience with My Worst Girlfriend Ever. I wouldn't want to go through that mess again, but it definitely taught me a lot, and that is the part of it I try to focus on.

If you ride, you will crash. Just remember your helmet, and get up, dust yourself off, and get back on the bike again.

The only thing I don't recommend is chickpeas. They never quite cook right; just buy canned.

There was a major issue recently on Next Food Network Star over one of the contestants making hummus using canned pre-cooked chickpeas. Bobby Flay verbally eviscerated said contestant for that one.

[Frantic Freddie]

While imbibing numerous portions of some adult beverages one night I managed to grab the cinnamon instead of the cumin (for pinto beans)

My wife still jibes me about it

[Jester]

I managed to grab the cinnamon instead of the cumin.

They kind of look the same. I could even see where they might smell the same, especially to a booze-soaked noggin.

They sure as hell don't taste the same.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

I will never get cinnamon and cumin mixed up. Cinnamon smells like spicy, cumin smells like my body odor. Both are delicious, however...
EDIT: unless tehy are old enough to lose smell, or something is seriously illin' me... in either case they should not be used.

[Cazzi]

Considering I used to cook for a living for a while, these days it seems to be rare I managed to cook something perfectly!

However, I still have to rival my daughters cooking fails. She once set fire to a fruit filled croissant in the microwave and this morning I got up to this... It used to be breaded chicken fillets The house still smells
(excuse the gunky sink, i was soaking a greasy pan in there before she moved it to douse the burnt offering!)

[draggar]

Here's a thought:

Cook the rise in a pot (like I normally do), grease the casserole dish and then add the rice to the dish and put the fish on top, bake for about 10 minutes.

Do you think this'll overcook the rice?

Edit: Or maybe find something to bake the fish in the dish alone (no rice but maybe spice it up a little?).

Also, what kind of spices do you add to rice to "spice" it up a little?

[Jester]

...this morning I got up to this... It used to be breaded chicken fillets The house still smells

Good LORD, what the hell did your daughter do? Leave those in the oven overnight? Seriously, there's burnt, there's really burnt, there's what the hell happened?, and then there's that! If that is a good example of your daughter's cooking prowess, she should be stripped of her apron and tongs permanently. Not out of vindictiveness or pettiness, but merely for the good of mankind!

The good news is, you have three spare hockey pucks now.

[Cazzi]

Good LORD, what the hell did your daughter do? Leave those in the oven overnight?

For a good few hours anyway!

I suppose I should be glad she's scared of using sharp knives & hobs.. or I'd be forever lying in wait with a fire extinguisher!
Her limit is just about pop something ready prepared in oven or microwave, toast and sandwiches.

In fact, she decided after that mishap that a tuna sandwich would be safer, but wasn't amused when we said "try not to burn it"

[Jester]

Do you actually trust your daughter with a can opener? I wouldn't.

By the way, how old is she? If she is a young child, I'll give her a pass. If she's a teenager or older, I have no problem doling out all this derision.

[Cazzi]

She can just about manage a can opener, how else would she get tuna out of a can

She's 21, has Aspergers traits, anxiety disorders & some social phobic disorders so I cut her some slack She knows she will be teased for a while about her cooking skillz, in fact. the first thing she said when I saw the hockey pucks was "take it I'm banned from using the oven now then!"

I'm just glad her brother doesn't take after her in the kitchen!

Oh god, hope I didn't just jinx myself then

[Jester]

She knows she will be teased for a while about her cooking skillz...

Now, that's not really fair....you really shouldn't tease someone about something they don't actually have.

And knowing how old she is, whatever other excuses you may make for her, I'm sorry, but I wouldn't trust her even with a can opener. You'll find gouge marks inside the freezer door or something.

I am sure she has many talents, but clearly this woman needs to be banned from the kitchen, if not for the sake of the food, for the sake of the rest of humanity.

[Chromatix]

Once upon a time, I tried to make sweet and sour chicken - but my parents being who they are, I had to start from raw ingredients. So I basically had to make four separate components in what turned out to be a rather complicated recipe.

And so I got confused. I think I managed to skip making the sweet-and-sour sauce entirely and used the batter for that. The results were predictably slightly... odd.

These days I make sweet and sour chicken by starting from a jar of sauce and pre-battered chicken. No more confusion...