Help Me Name My Chili!

[Jester]

Four Coroners Chili

(for your hot stuff)

My hot chili already has a name: The Devil's Ass. That is a name that I will never top, and that needs no replacing.

As for my regular chili, all the death and doom names don't really work, as this is NOT one of those chilis that require a standby fire extinguisher, three firemen, and a vat of Kool-Whip with Anna Paquin bathing in it. It's just a nice, smokey, somewhat (but not too) hot, sweet chili that KICKS ASS.

That being said, if Ms. Paquin desires to bathe in a vat of Kool-Whip at any of my chili cookoffs (or any place that I am, ever), she is more than welcome to do so.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Sultry Devil? For that low, slow, easy burn...

[MoonCat]

Sultry Devil? For that low, slow, easy burn...

Ohh I like that one...

[42_42_42]

That being said, if Ms. Paquin desires to bathe in a vat of Kool-Whip at any of my chili cookoffs (or any place that I am, ever), she is more than welcome to do so.

If that should ever happen, PICTURES!!!!

[Eisa]

And video, please?

[AccountingDrone]

Sultry Devil? For that low, slow, easy burn...

So far this one sounds like the best suggestion.

[Jester]

Holy shit, that could have been a disaster!

So I made my chili last night, and had it simmering on the stove, stirring it every 15 minutes or so. The idea was to simmer it for at least a couple hours, take it off the heat, let it cool down, and then put it in the fridge until Saturday.

Well, after two hours of it simmering away, I turned the heat all the way down to its lowest warm setting, figuring I'd let it lightly simmer another half hour or so. That was at 2 am.

I just woke up at 7 am. The chili was still on the heat.

So I dashed out to the kitchen in terror....and the chili was totally fine. I just took it off the heat, and it looks spectacular.

But it's a good thing I had turned it down, because at the low setting it was simmering at originally, it was bubbling away, and five hours of that, I have no doubt that it would have been burned and ruined. Oh LORDY that could have been disastrous.

Now I just need it to cool down enough before I leave work for me to safely put it in the fridge.

My new favorite kitchen gadget: my new splatter screen, which has been on top of the pot the whole time, keeping the stove far cleaner than it normally would be during such an event.

Okay, now I am going to go put my heart back in my chest, and try to resume my day.

[MoonCat]

Disaster averted! Maybe it's time to get a slow-cooker?

Let us know how it comes out on Saturday!

[Barracuda]

Call it Sonoran Breeze? After the Sonora Desert?

[Jester]

Disaster averted! Maybe it's time to get a slow-cooker?

I have a slow cooker (albeit too small to fit this amount of food), but it would not work for the initial part of the chili making. Once all the ingredients are in the pot, though, it would be perfect for it, though I still like stirring it from time to time.....

What can I say? I'm old school like that!

As for the name, I've pretty much settled on Arizona [Name]'s Smokin' Desert Chili. Doesn't have the same ring as "The Devil's Ass," but then, what does?

[wolfie]

Honestly, even if I was willing to send you some, I really don't have the capabilities to do so. And while I said it jokingly, I really have no intention of sharing this particular recipe. I can and will make suggestions to help others with their chili, and other dishes. But this....this is one of my babies.

Could you at least leave the recipe in a sealed "open only in the event of my death" envelope stored with your will? Throughout history, too many recipes have been taken to the grave with their creators.

[Jester]

Well, the recipe is in a file in my computer.

But if I do die, that file will go to only select people.

Sadly, most of my really good friends don't have the passion for cooking that I do, so I'm not sure WHO that recipe would go to. I'd have to think about it. I would say that it would be my niece Dragon, who enjoys cooking, but since she is basically a vegetarian (she eats some fish), I doubt she's have use for it. Hmmm....

[Jester]

So here's what happened......

The cookoff was held throughout four of the gay bars in town. Well, in theory, anyway. In total there were, I believe, 14 chilis....3 at the bar I was at, 10 at the bar where they would give out the awards later in the day, 1 at another one, and for some reason none at the 4th.

I was having a hell of a time getting my chili up to heat until another participant pointed out to me that I was reading my hot plate's temp gauge backwards, i.e., thinking the arrows was on the right side of the dial rather than the left. In other words, when I thought the thing was on 400, it was only on warm. Which would make it tough to heat up cold chili. Was this embarrassing? Absolutely. Did I laugh my ass off about it? Of course. Especially since this is a hot plate I've had, and used, for several years. Amazing how stupid I am at times.

The above incident, combined with the scary situation of my dozing off with the chili still on the stove (luckily on the lowest setting) has made me decide it is time, finally, to get a Big Crockpot. I have a small one, but it is not enough to hold a batch of chili. I need a Big One. Now, due to the way I build my chili, I can't really construct it in a crockpot, but I can certainly simmer it in there once it is constructed. And while I would never leave a burner on when I go out or if I'm asleep (well, not intentionally, anyways), I have no problem leaving a crockpot on when I am not there to attend to it. Had I had one this time around, I could have brought my chili up to heat while I was out having a business lunch before the cookoff.

So, back to the cookoff....once I finally got the chili up to heat and stopped stressing, it went well. A lot of people loved my chili, though a few said it was too hot for them. As I told them, I have no problem losing a chili cookoff because my chili is too spicy. On that note, I must say that I've noticed that here in the East, or at least in Key West, people seem to want their chili to be mild. What's the fucking point? Chili is supposed to be spicy! Now, obviously you can't please all palates--what is too spicy for Ann might be too mild for Bob--but I think my chili has a nice slow burn, and as a friend commented yesterday, is well-balanced between sweet and heat. Which is what chili is supposed to be in the first place! (Amusingly, a former coworker who was there yesterday and tried my chili said, and I quote, "Now that's a spicy meatball!")

Anyway, I tried all of the other chilis, except for the 14th one in the 3rd bar...I had neither the time nor the inclination to go there for just one chili. And there were some that were really, really good, a couple that were godawful, and one that was simply bizarre. I mean, seriously, who melts marshmallows on top of their chili?!?!?! Yes, I did try that one. Yes, it did taste as odd as it sounds. No, it was not the worst chili there. As I said, there were a couple of truly wretched ones.

Much to my surprise, there were actual judges, too. I knew this was a fundraiser for charity, and had been told that winners would be decided by who had the most money in their buckets. While I hate that process for determining cookoffs (too many are determined by who has the most friends, some are actually determined by people "buying" the win by stuffing their own box), I understand why they do it. After all, these are to raise money for charity. I get it. I still prefer the ones that have judges. And I was thrilled when I won the last chili cookoff I was in, as that one had a three judge panel. So this one, apparently, had both People's Choice and Judges' Choice.

In the People's Choice, I did not place. I can't say I'm surprised by that. I was in a bar that only had 3 chilis, and not too much traffic. However, the judges did give me Honorable Mention, which means I came in 4th out of 14. I disagree with that, but what can I say? It's a subjective thing. I only thought that there was one chili in the same ballpark as mine, but of course, I am biased. And to be fair, the steak in my chili was not as tender as even I thought it should have been.

Sadly, only the top three places actually got prizes. For my Honorable Mention, I got a ribbon. But hey, I continue to place in chili cookoffs, and in the last few that I can think of, I've come in 4th (out of 16), 3rd (out of 15, and a collaborate white chili I made with my friend Cookie came in 5th out of 15), 1st (out of 16), and 4th (out of 14).

In other words, my chili doesn't suck.

And no, you guys still can't have the recipe.

But for the next chili cookoff, I will have a Big New Crockpot. And for the pansies who think my Smokin' Desert Chili is "too hot," I am going to break out the dreaded Devil's Ass Chili, making it even hotter than the last one. Because, you know, I'm just evil that way. (My friend was in awe when I told him about the Devil's Ass Chili, as he did not live here when I premiered it at the last chili cookoff. I told him that, by comparison, the Smokin' Desert Chili is pretty much ketchup (in spiciness, not in taste) compared to the Devil's Ass. His jaw hit the deck like an anvil.)

So, now just looking forward to the next one. And not burning the onions in the Devil's Ass Chili like I did last time. And yes, I really do want to hurt some people with that one. Ghost peppers and habaneros--my new favorite weapons. [Cue maniacal laughter.]

[Eisa]

Hey, yay for honorable mention! That's a really odd set-up, I think. But...oh wells.

And uhm...yikes! I like mild chili. I admit it. I'm a wimp.

[MoonCat]

I like spicy chili, but not the kind that burns your face off. The Smokin' Desert Chili sounds fantastic.

I prefer chili with beans though...and corn...

But marshmallows? Oh hell no!