Tweet
I figured something out. Aside from a few moments in time (good childhood memories, my first date, my first kiss, my wedding day, the days each of my children were born), I've always felt a longing for something I couldn't quite grasp. Part of me has always felt empty, like something was missing. Even when things were going well, I could never fully enjoy them because I was so worried about a million other things.
Today it occurred to me that I am happy. I don't mean, I was happy today or I was happy at that time. I mean that I am well and truly happy. I'm happy with where my life is, I'm happy with how things are going, I'm happy with the (sometimes difficult) decisions I've made. I'm just... happy. I love my life, I love where it is now. I love being me, I love being real.
I'm happy with how I look. Yes, I still want to improve on how my body is now, but I can look at myself and not criticize anymore. I smile all the time, I laugh - really laugh - with my friends. Or, in the case of chatting with some of my girls, giggle. A lot. I like pictures of me. And I recognize the person in the mirror now.
I'm happy that I'm changing perspectives and educating people at my workplace (and thus, within my city) about transgender people. I like getting questions from people that start with "I'm not trying to offend you, but I was wondering..." I like that so many people see me as I am and accept me that way.
It's been at the back of my mind for several days now, even when I came across some shocking news over the weekend and last week when I thought I'd never get the money I need for my attorney. Because I could just fret about things like that, have a good cry, and then move on. Go back to feeling good. I've noticed my eyes are sparkling more, my face is more radiant. I was playing with my phone the other night and took a picture, and thought, "Oh dear God, I'm sexy! When did THAT happen?" And another picture, one that just etched itself into my mind. There was something about that look in my eye, that smile on my face. I damn near fell in love with myself when I saw it.
So yeah, it just hit me today when I was chatting and giggling with a coworker. I am happy. I'm happy and it feels amazing and I never want it to end. And it doesn't have to.
It's amazing that I can be this happy while still not being able to see my children. When that happens, my life will go from happy to perfect. And I can't wait.
Pictured: True Happiness
Today it occurred to me that I am happy. I don't mean, I was happy today or I was happy at that time. I mean that I am well and truly happy. I'm happy with where my life is, I'm happy with how things are going, I'm happy with the (sometimes difficult) decisions I've made. I'm just... happy. I love my life, I love where it is now. I love being me, I love being real.
I'm happy with how I look. Yes, I still want to improve on how my body is now, but I can look at myself and not criticize anymore. I smile all the time, I laugh - really laugh - with my friends. Or, in the case of chatting with some of my girls, giggle. A lot. I like pictures of me. And I recognize the person in the mirror now.
I'm happy that I'm changing perspectives and educating people at my workplace (and thus, within my city) about transgender people. I like getting questions from people that start with "I'm not trying to offend you, but I was wondering..." I like that so many people see me as I am and accept me that way.
It's been at the back of my mind for several days now, even when I came across some shocking news over the weekend and last week when I thought I'd never get the money I need for my attorney. Because I could just fret about things like that, have a good cry, and then move on. Go back to feeling good. I've noticed my eyes are sparkling more, my face is more radiant. I was playing with my phone the other night and took a picture, and thought, "Oh dear God, I'm sexy! When did THAT happen?" And another picture, one that just etched itself into my mind. There was something about that look in my eye, that smile on my face. I damn near fell in love with myself when I saw it.
So yeah, it just hit me today when I was chatting and giggling with a coworker. I am happy. I'm happy and it feels amazing and I never want it to end. And it doesn't have to.
It's amazing that I can be this happy while still not being able to see my children. When that happens, my life will go from happy to perfect. And I can't wait.
Pictured: True Happiness
I've hit a point where I believe it without having to push myself but I still have those occasional moments of glancing in the mirror and suddenly just being hit with it and let me tell you, it's awesome so congrats on getting there 
Comment