How Plaid has helped me

[Nurian]

In July, Jester posted what Plaid's legacy is for him. Now, I'm going to share what his legacy is for me.

I have clinical depression. For those who don't know, clinical depression isn't "Well, today sucks." It's more along the lines of "I can't feel happiness because I'm not worth it." It's insidious, and often you can't tell you have it until you've gone...too far.

My depression has been slowly escalating. Some nights, I can't sleep. There are days when for no reason I can think of, I feel so angry I could break something or so sad, nothing cheers me. But mostly, I feel a complete negation of all the love I know (academically) is directed at me. I feel alone even when my wife is beside me. And then, there are the thoughts. The little voice that whispers how much better everyone will be when I'm no longer in the picture.

And that's when I remember Plaidman. Like me, he had a disease which seemed inescapable. Unlike him, however, I have resources I can turn to. And allowing myself to give in without even trying seems...cheap.

So, with him in mind, I met with my HR manager at work. She pointed out that even as a temp, I have mental health benefits (including 5 free visits with a counselor). I have numbers to doctors and a free clinic that can help me with FMLA.

And that's Plaid's legacy to me. To try. To remember that there are people who care about me. And in Plaid's name, I will.

Miss you, pal.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Good luck to you

[Jester]

Well said. Very eloquent.

[dragon_wings]

Depression sucks. Good on you for getting help! Good luck.

[Akasa]

Thank goodness you have those benefits! That's some company you work for!

[Barracuda]

I would totally get FMLA. I have panic and anxiety attacks due to my clinical depression, stress, and a number of other factors--mainly related to working customer service. I have high moral standards, and my job requires me to lie to customers all the time (I am an answering service) about who I actually am and what my role is, which I find INCREDIBLY stressful, especially when you get customers calling in for accounts dealing with TV or mail offers who seem to call up just to do a stupid "Gotcha!" thing or berate me. It has gotten so bad that I am considering filing for workman's comp (This has, literally, made me fear work. I kid you not. I THINK of working a structured job, and I get a panic attack,)and this job is largely responsible.

I understand where you are coming from. I suffer it all too--the constant stress, never being able to unwind or relax because your life just won't PAUSE and give you a breather for a couple days, and the insomnia. Get FMLA. Use it. Get medicated if you aren't. Find a counselor and go. Depression takes a while to get under control, but it is possible. Most important, don't give up. You CAN beat this back and learn to be happy. I am not there yet, but I am much closer than I ever have been before.

[Amina516]

Well said, Nurian. Continue to seek help, there CAN be a brighter tomorrow (I know, thats corny but applicable... ). Good luck.

[Nurian]

Had my first counseling session yesterday. Mostly "why are you here? what do you want to get out of this? how have you tried before?" kind of things. I won't be able to see him again for another 3 weeks (my schedule) and I'm trying the exercises he's given me to start.

Today, I felt despair again. That same feeling of not being able to continue. I had to leave work as I wasn't able to focus. As soon as I got home, I broke down, hating myself and damning the world. Even now, I hear that monkey jibbering on my back, "It's okay. They'll be sad for awhile but they'll forget about you after time. Just one jump, one slice or one bottle of pills and everything will stop..."

I'm trying to keep control. I'm fighting as hard as I can, but it's so Sisyphean. I fight and gain one step only to be pushed back two steps.

[Mikkel]

I don't know what to say but I want to plead with you to give the counselling a chance. Try contacting some of those who volunteered in the Plaid thread. Just talking to somebody who understand can help you get through a day more.
You will get better!

And tell that monkey of yours that we will never forget Plaid even if we don't talk so much about him and the same goes for you. Don't do it to us, please .

[Barracuda]

See a doctor NOW. Get medicated NOW. Believe me, anti depressants don't make it all better, but they DO make it bearable. If you are in constant pain and unable to function and are thinking of suicide, you NEED medication. If you are already being medicated, tell your doctor it isn't working, you need to change dosages or your prescription to a different med. Do not wait. Do it now.