I Want To Scream... But I Feel Nothing

[Seshat]

I really want to call her grandmother and apologize on her behalf. I love that woman, and this won't be easy for her to deal with.

I assume this grandmother is part of your ex' family?

Hopefully she has access - regular access - to your children. It sounds like they need her very much right now. And if you love her, then she has to be the sort of person who will answer that need.

She'll be good for the kids, and they for her.

If you are permitted contact with her, then do just that - contact her, make the apology, and ask her to help the children as much as possible. Or get your lawyer to do so on your behalf (in a friendly-sounding letter, not a legalese one!)

As for me, I'm just numb. I can't feel anything right now. When I am able to feel again, it's not going to be pretty. I anticipate a lot of tears. For the children, not myself. The thought of what she's putting my children through makes me sick. This isn't going to keep me down though. It's not even gonna knock me down. I don't feel it right now, but I'm too strong for her to hurt me anymore.

I seem to recall that you have a counsellor, yes?

Emotional numbing is a well-known phenomenon. It happens when the stress levels are too high for the mind to cope with: the body sends out neurochemical signals to shut down certain emotions.

This only goes on for a certain amount of time. When it comes crashing down, it is likely to come out in strange ways. Possibly nightmares, possibly a tendency to find yourself freaking out over nothing, or having panic attacks, or ... well, could be anything.

When the emotional numbing ends, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE lean on your counsellor. It's what he/she is there for. (You are also, of course, welcome to lean on us. But I always find it helpful having a counsellor as well as friends.)

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Can you still have contact with your kids? If so, definitely write them! send the letter or email to your eldest, and have her read it to your other two. And definitely try to get visiting rights if you haven't already.
I take it the court stuff is being mentioned because you want to try to get them to change households?
Your ex ... it's like a train wreck...

if you want one.

[tropicsgoddess]

Your ex sure is a piece of work. I think sooner or later karma will give her a big kick in the ass for all the shit she did to you. Can you have contact with your kids? I would ask your attorney and see what you can do about them and definitely get in touch with the grandma.

[Kara]

When the emotional numbing ends, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE lean on your counsellor. It's what he/she is there for.

I called her yesterday. I normally wouldn't see her for 2 weeks, but she agreed that it would be a good idea to talk more about this than we did on the phone. I'm seeing her tomorrow morning.

Can you still have contact with your kids?

None whatsoever. She's good at what she does.

I take it the court stuff is being mentioned because you want to try to get them to change households?

The court stuff all goes back to last December when I was having a rough morning with my kids, my oldest son (who they thought at one time might be autistic but then said he didn't quite fit the profile), was hitting himself in the head with his fist. My hands were full, my other 2 were fighting, so I used my foot to push his stomach (just enough to offset his balance) to get him to a sitting position. He did, and started screaming at me. But at least he wasn't hurting himself anymore. On the way to school, my daughter was bouncing around in the passenger seat, keeping the boys going with their fits, and I shot my arm straight out, in front of her, told her to stop, and used my arm to hold her still.

My son told someone at school I kicked him. When they asked my daughter about it, she had the chance that I'm almost sure her mother had her waiting for, and she got in on it, saying I punched her on the way to school. I was arrested that day, charged with 2 felony child abuse charges, and have not even had a glimpse of my children since.

Yes, I truly believe this all goes back to my ex. She didn't want me anymore, she wanted her "true love." But she couldn't just leave me for him, that would make her look bad in the eyes of her family who are very traditional. So she waited for any opportunity, and she finally had it. Seriously, she filed for divorce almost right away, and even though I couldn't even go anywhere near my own home for a month, she didn't live here either, she took the kids and went to a shelter. That was the one thing that didn't make sense to me. Why on earth would she take the kids out of the house, which had everything they needed, put them in a shelter for 2 months, then get a little apartment? And tell the judge she didn't want the house at all? Because she knew she would be moving again anyway. She knew she could use this to get me out of the picture completely, make it so I could never see my kids again, and be with the one she truly wanted to be with. And no one would blame her.

Yeah, well, the best laid plains and all I guess.

if you want one.

Always.

[taxguykarl]

This ......woman doesn't deserve you. *hugs hugs hugs hugs*

RP, is right. Ex and BF deserve each other, but not you...or your kids.

[morgana]

Oh, wow. Oohhhh, woooowwww. I got nothing here. Well, except hugs when you want them.

What a mess.

[Cat]

sending out hugs as well, Kara

[MoonCat]

Hugs from me, too. What a bitch.

And you know what she's getting with her "true love"? A guy who has no problem boinking a married woman. So what do you suppose is going to happen when he gets tired of the wailing baby or tired of the bitchy woman he's hooked up with? Yeah - karma's a bitch, too.

Here's hoping you get to see and hug your kids soon, Kara!

[Seshat]

I called her yesterday. I normally wouldn't see her for 2 weeks, but she agreed that it would be a good idea to talk more about this than we did on the phone. I'm seeing her tomorrow morning.

Good. I'm glad you're looking after yourself.

When this blows over and you have access to the kids, ask her for advice for good kids'-counsellors. All this must have been a nightmare for them, and they're going to need support.

... um. You'd already got that organised, hadn't you?

[Kara]

Oh yeah, they're going to need it. Since all this happened, child services has stepped in and she is required to take the kids to counseling with their people. The only issue they discuss, however, is how terrible I am and how scared they are of me. Yeah, she played child services too. This whole thing was a setup from the start, she's been working on it for awhile. But that's another story. I'll just say that she had a plan, and though things didn't happen the way she wanted them to, she rolled with it and everything happened exactly the way she wanted it to. At first. But then something happened that she never expected. I started to find my strength and I fought back. The plan started to fall apart, and now it's all gone to hell and so it seems she's just throwing caution to the wind at this point and banking on the assumption that everyone believes her ever-changing story and will feel sorry for her.

I'll let you all know how that works out for her, of course.

[Amina516]

Kara, im so sorry for this new bump in the road. I have no extra advice, but i wish you the best. Stay strong. *hugs*

[Kanalah]

Geez the poor kiddos. *hugs to you Kara*

I'm glad the kids have someone willing to fight for them. Also, Karma's a bitch.

[AccountingDrone]

Bet once the baby comes, and maybe a second one she finds a way to "dump" your kids back on you ...

You know, it really is a shame that the divorce was finalized. A friend of mine got back at his ex wife by not signing the divorce until she was about to pop ... she had been blathering about a perfect wedding [their wedding had been a quick navy chapel wedding that was more like a Justice of the Peace wedding than a church wedding. She claimed that all the marital stress came because "she didn't feel married" because it wasn't a huge church wedding ] and insisted that they get married as soon as the divorce went through.

Yup, he "ruined" her big church wedding because she had to find a pregnancy wedding gown and waddle down the aisle

[teh_blumchenkinder]

<snip>
A friend of mine got back at his ex wife by not signing the divorce until she was about to pop <snip>

... some people make their own pies-in-the-face! (ie revenge on them is as easy as literally poking at them)
Keep your noses clean, kiddies, and easy revenges like that won't happen!
Kara, somehow, I want to see her maneuvering to get you the kids again. It's playing with your lives on an unacceptable level, but some part of me, were I in your situation, would want to say, "but I thought I was an abusive monster?"
In more likelihood, she'd send them to foster care. *hisslightningcrack wardsagainstthedevil*

[RootedPhoenix]

Miss Kara, *hugs you 'til you explode*

You are very loved. Don't give up.