In the dark of the night

[Mytical]

Lots of people, even people on this forum, are a lot worse off then me. Yet here I am up in the middle of the night, and the voices that tell me how pitiful I am, how worthless, how nothing I ever do will ever be right..won't let me sleep.

I can barely even take care of myself due to illness, am jobless, and living with my parents. I am supposed to be taking care of THEM, not the other way around. I flake on my friends, and don't say hi to them near as much as I should. Sometimes it is a struggle just to get out of bed. I hate feeling like a burden, hate that I can not take care of the people I love, and hate that no matter what I do it all seems to backfire. Its hard to see the light right now.

Feel helpless, hopeless, and useless. My friends here are the few bright lights in my life, they are what keep me sane. *hugs to all of them* I just wish I was better for them.

[Eisa]

You aren't alone.

And you aren't worthless. Not one bit.

[Food Lady]

You are in between jobs. Your illness isn't your fault. And the reality is that you're still the head of household. You haven't flaked on me. Who was there in the middle of the night to be there for me in grief? Who makes me laugh? And when I see I have a PM from you, I get all happy. You matter.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Worthless?

Dude. You're a hero. You stand up to violent people. You protect weaker people.

You probably saved a few lives, either directly or at least indirectly.

Sometimes those voices in your head are liars, and they are louder and more plentiful than the ones that are speaking the truth. Learn to tell the difference. You'll sleep better.

[Teysa]

*hugs* I think those voices get louder in the dark of the night because you don't have the normal daytime noises going on, (traffic, TV, neighbors talking, ) etc. to distract you.

I'm guessing your parents care about you or at least don't hate your guts because they are letting you stay with them. They probably see it as you're their son, you're in a tough spot right now, and they want to help you out. Yes, the time will come when you'll have to take care of them, but for right now accept the fact that you need them. You also seem to be the type of person to still help his parents out as much as possible.

As for you being a failure, sorry don't see it. From your posts, you seem like a good, decent person. I know I'm just some stranger on a message board, but I do not think I'm the only one who admires your sense of integrity.

[Kanalah]

Aww Myt. Your parents love and support you, and we do too.

[ArcticChicken]

Mytical, you are one of the best people I know. You are smart, kind, brave, compassionate, gentle, and you have a huge heart. If you don't believe that right now, well, I'll believe it for you until you can.

[Antisocial_Worker]

Sometimes those voices in your head are liars, and they are louder and more plentiful than the ones that are speaking the truth. Learn to tell the difference. You'll sleep better.

Correction -- Often those voices in your head are liars. In fact, any voice that tells you you're worthless is a liar. Period.

I'm afraid I don't have time to elaborate, but like so many here, I suffer from depression also. Mytical, if you need another friend to listen and care, I will listen and I will care. Like everyone else here who cares about you, I'm just a PM away.

[Mytical]

They say it is always darkest before the dawn. I just received official word, my unemployment was allowed. Now I can't claim the weeks I worked, of course, but it helps..it helps a lot. Thank you everybody for your kind words. The news won't get me out of my depression (though it won't hurt either), and it will be a struggle, but at least one small part of the stress has been lifted.

[BrightEyedKitty]

how worthless

There's no such thing.

[MoonCat]

Mytical, you are kind, gentle, big-hearted and loving. That is worth so much more than you know.

Don't listen to voices in the night - they're notorious liars.

[Der Cute]

Honey, those voices poke me all the time. Call a friend, a hotline, anything. And write those thoughts out. Pull the thread out of your head, and look at it. Remind yourself it's irrational. WE believe in you. WE are here to help. WE care.

I feel useless all the time, it's because I'm stagnant now too. I'm going to find a way to volunteer soon, it will help me feel confident, practice skills and get off my ass.

[teh_blumchenkinder]

Worthless?
Dude. You're a hero. You stand up to violent people. You protect weaker people.
You probably saved a few lives, either directly or at least indirectly.
Sometimes those voices in your head are liars, and they are louder and more plentiful than the ones that are speaking the truth. Learn to tell the difference. You'll sleep better.

*hugs* I think those voices get louder in the dark of the night because you don't have the normal daytime noises going on, (traffic, TV, neighbors talking, ) etc. to distract you. <snip>

Correction -- Often those voices in your head are liars. In fact, any voice that tells you you're worthless is a liar. Period. <snip>

They say it is always darkest before the dawn. I just received official word, my unemployment was allowed. Now I can't claim the weeks I worked, of course, but it helps..it helps a lot. Thank you everybody for your kind words. The news won't get me out of my depression (though it won't hurt either), and it will be a struggle, but at least one small part of the stress has been lifted.

I would agree on the points RecoveringKinkoid's made.
I would also agree on Teysa's post that your parents do care about you, and that you'd be the type to do anything and everything to take care of them once you're able to do so.
Having stayed up many nights this summer... I would agree that the voices seem louder at night. I've worked on just ignoring them, because rarely by the light of day do they even make sense. Those that do, I talk with others about it, and try to reason them away. (I should also see my psychologist soonish too... ) Oddly, vitamin supplements have helped me be able to push them away, which I know doesn't work in many cases. I notice when I don't take them because I feel different, mentally. Having worked at night for so long, vitamin D is a crucial element to your health, moreso than us daywalkers . Ask your doctor, it may help.
Please, please realize that anyone's sense of self-worth is not attached to what you do for a living, if it agrees with your morality/religion/ethics. Even sanitation workers (ie garbage men and janitors) are performing honest, clearly useful and needful work. If you have no job, then, it doesn't mean you have no worth. It just means you don't have money coming in. If you feel useless because you aren't doing anything, try volunteering. And if you can't do that? Well then, work on getting your health better! Your health is more valuable than wealth!
I'm glad your boss didn't appeal, or if he did, he lost!

[AnaKhouri]

My little boy is 2, sweet, gentle, kind, polite, compassionate and sensitive. He is also already over 3 feet tall, meaning he should be well over 6 feet when he is grown.

I was thinking about that the other day and thought, he's going to be one of the gentle giants like Mytical. I have to teach him to stand up for others to make sure he's like Mytical.

[Mytical]

You know the oddity is, 6' even is not exactly a giant. Though I am normally one of the taller people in the room (even walking with a slouch) I was never exactly a giant either. Never really understood why I ever got the nickname, but one of my female cousins insisted that it was not ever about my size (even when I was 305 lbs). She never explained it, though.