Infertility - could use some advice

[CrazedClerkthe2nd]

I understand this is a personal topic but I'm hoping we can all be adults here about it. I think we have some pretty mature people on this board which is why I am putting out there.

My wife and I have been married for 4 years but have no children. Not for lack of want, but due to fertility issues relating to her. Without going into deep detail, let's just say that right now she has a couple of (long term) medical issues affecting her fertility. These conditions can be managed and even improved eventually, but not eliminated.

Her OB-GYN was willing to put her on a treatment program that would eventually involve fertility drugs, but we lost our health insurance so we weren't ever able to do it. We're about to get the health insurance back but...

...Now my wife and I are uncertain we'll ever be able to have kids (I am 30, she is 28) and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit despondent about that. I come from a small family, I dearly want at least one biological child to keep the line going. My brother is 27, single and has no kids either. My wife's medical condition means if we did conceive she'd be at an increased risk of miscarriage or complication.

We've talked about adoption or fostering if we can't have kids on our own...but there's a part of me screaming that's just not the same.

I'm thinking that some of you on this board have faced this issues before and any input you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[jedimaster91]

I have two very good friends who have similar fertility issues. They are currently taking fostering classes so they can foster to adopt. I could not be more thrilled for them even if somehow they managed to conceive a child of their own. They've wanted children for so long and now they have the chance.

Only you and your wife can make the decision whether or not to risk a pregnancy. But family is so much more than bloodlines. Love creates a home regardless of the genetics. There are so many children who need loving homes and people like you and your wife are special people to give them that chance. It won't be quite the same as having your own, sure. But as long as you love that child, raise them right and they love you, who cares?

[Kheldarson]

If you really want to attempt to have your own kids, may I suggest one of the Natural Family Planning methods? With your wife's infertility issues, you'd be able to track exactly when she's the most fertile to ensure the greatest chance of pregnancy. I'm learning how to use it for opposite reasons, but I can give you some links and a general run down of the theory if you're interested.

[Monica]

If it's possible, maybe a surrogate? Hopefully this all works out for you and your wife.

[Kittish]

Disclaimers up front: I am not a parent and I don't expect ever to be. So these comments are just ideas.

Should you and your wife be absolutely set on being the genetic parents of at least one child and you both decide that the risks of a pregnancy are acceptable, is it possible that in vitro fertilization might be less costly and potentially more effective than a whole regimen of fertility treatments? As I understand it, harvesting one or more eggs is not a HUGELY invasive procedure, and harvesting sperm even less so. And doing in vitro gives you the option of using a surrogate as well, if the risk factors for your wife are too unfavorable.

I can understand the biological imperative to pass along your genetic patterns but as others have already mentioned, family is more than a random set of DNA. Don't be too quick to dismiss the idea of fostering and/or adopting. Think about it- pretty much everything you have that is truly worth passing on to another human being you can probably teach to just about any child. Yes?

[KiaKat]

There are a lot of great sites out there written by and for infertiles. One of my favourites has always been A Little Pregnant. Go to the beginning and read through the archives to understand the dark (and bright) sides of all the arguments. She links a lot of other blogs and support sites that can be useful.

[CrazedClerkthe2nd]

Disclaimers up front: I am not a parent and I don't expect ever to be. So these comments are just ideas.

Should you and your wife be absolutely set on being the genetic parents of at least one child and you both decide that the risks of a pregnancy are acceptable, is it possible that in vitro fertilization might be less costly and potentially more effective than a whole regimen of fertility treatments? As I understand it, harvesting one or more eggs is not a HUGELY invasive procedure, and harvesting sperm even less so. And doing in vitro gives you the option of using a surrogate as well, if the risk factors for your wife are too unfavorable.

I can understand the biological imperative to pass along your genetic patterns but as others have already mentioned, family is more than a random set of DNA. Don't be too quick to dismiss the idea of fostering and/or adopting. Think about it- pretty much everything you have that is truly worth passing on to another human being you can probably teach to just about any child. Yes?

It's an interesting idea but it will probably be awhile, if ever, until we can afford in vitro

[ZumZum]

If you have any questions about surrogacy, I am happy to help.
I was a gestational surrogate twice, a single in '02 and twins in '05.

[trailerparkmedic]

If you really want to attempt to have your own kids, may I suggest one of the Natural Family Planning methods? With your wife's infertility issues, you'd be able to track exactly when she's the most fertile to ensure the greatest chance of pregnancy. I'm learning how to use it for opposite reasons, but I can give you some links and a general run down of the theory if you're interested.

Infertility is a lot more than not having sex at the right time for fertilization. Infertility implies a medical problem--low sperm count, eggs not being reliably produced, difficulty with implantation, etc.

OP, good luck with whatever path you decide. One couple I know who is infertile adopted a baby they started fostering at 3 weeks old and they love her like she's their own. They're fostering the baby's younger sister now in hopes of adopting her as well. The other infertile couple I know is thinking about adoption. I don't know them super well but it seems like they're going through the same thing you are--is adoption the same? What if we don't love the baby? Will it ever feel like OUR child?

I can see why adoption would be a difficult choice. I would recommend a support group for infertile couples because sometimes knowing you aren't alone and you aren't the only one feeling the way you are is helpful.

[BlaqueKatt]

My wife's medical condition means if we did conceive she'd be at an increased risk of miscarriage or complication.

We've talked about adoption or fostering if we can't have kids on our own...but there's a part of me screaming that's just not the same.

I can tell you from my personal experience, of numerous miscarriages, it is devastating, both physically and emotionally. And to add on to that the only child I did manage to carry to term, not only almost killed me during delivery, but his autism is so profound he will never live on his own, I carry that guilt every day, I was so selfish that I wanted my OWN child, that I gave no thought to the child. The main thing you need to ask yourself is, if we do finally have a child and not only is it not perfect, but will never be a "productive" member of society, could you live with knowing your decisions caused that suffering in an innocent child? Could you deal with the pregnancy possibly ending the life of your wife?(my ex-husband was put in the position of having to choose between me and his son in the delivery room, we were both dying, the dr had one more trick up his sleeve, but asked my husband to choose in case it didn't work, time was running out for both of us very fast-my heartrate was 40/bpm, baby was at 30/bpm) Or would it be better to take a child that is already suffering from not having a permanent home and alleviate the suffering of a child that already exists.

every pregnancy is a crap shoot, there is always a possibility of genetic problems, and remember you are not risking anything, you are risking someone else's life and future(the potential child)

[Seshat]

I carry that guilt every day, I was so selfish that I wanted my OWN child, that I gave no thought to the child.

I'm very glad someone else said this first.

I've had to explain to many, many people why I don't have any kids. It took a long time before I found a way to say it that would actually make people understand me. Here's what I say, now:

I wouldn't wish my genetics on my worst enemy. Why would I give them to my own child?

Really, REALLY think about your genetics. Yours. Hers. Study why she's infertile. Study both of your family histories. Now, this is none of my business. For all I know, her genes are fine and she's got fertility problems because her lower abdomen was damaged in a car accident!

Think hard about what BlaqueKatt said, as well. Even if you have 'normal' or even 'ideal' genetics, it's still possible for you to end up with a miscarriage, or a child who cannot survive outside the womb, or for the cord to wrap around the baby's throat during birth, or any of a thousand things to go wrong.

Think hard about what is best for the child. Both the hypothetical child of your own genes, and the very very real child who's there right now, needing a forever home.

[dalesys]

One other true fact: ... not just the same ...

Parents of multiple children can testify that even full siblings don't feel the same to the parents. Even, I suspect, identical twins.

There is interaction between your situations & personality combined with their situations & personality. My feelings and relationships with my children (GBBBGB) have veered and wandered over the years.

I try to treat them with equal fairness, but I also try to adjust and allow for each ones uniqueness.

[Mishi]

My dad's best friend and his wife have foster kids. At the moment, they have 6 fosterkids and one bio-kid at home. They have 4 bio-kids, and they say that they love the kids (all of them) the same way, even if it's a baby that's been dropped off for only 2-3 weeks while their long term placement is being organised.

I try to treat them with equal fairness, but I also try to adjust and allow for each ones uniqueness.

I love that!

[Kheldarson]

Infertility is a lot more than not having sex at the right time for fertilization. Infertility implies a medical problem--low sperm count, eggs not being reliably produced, difficulty with implantation, etc.

I realize that, but at the same time, if you're getting support from a doctor and yet don't know when you as a couple are the most fertile, aren't you just going to be shooting blanks anyway? No matter what the doc does? Not counting in vitro and the like. That's why my suggestion.

[trailerparkmedic]

I realize that, but at the same time, if you're getting support from a doctor and yet don't know when you as a couple are the most fertile, aren't you just going to be shooting blanks anyway? No matter what the doc does? Not counting in vitro and the like. That's why my suggestion.

If the OB didn't have that discussion the first time the OP's wife brought up the subject, the OB is pretty fail and needs to be fired. Also, the OP mentioned medical issues with his wife.

Check out some infertility blogs or message boards. Those women know more about conception than I do, and OB was the most detailed, nitpicky class I took in nursing school. They don't just know that you get pregnant halfway through their cycle; they can tell you exactly what their mucus looks like when they're ovulating. They know which hormones are supposed to rise on each day and by how much.