Infertility - could use some advice

[Misty]

You and your wife aren't biologically related, does that mean you're not family? And how well do you know your own family tree? Did you ever meet your great-grandparents or your great-great grandparents? Do you know anything about them?

I'm with Jester and ArticChicken. There's more to a family than DNA. I know plenty of people who have blood relatives they wouldn't cross the street to spit on. My mom has never been close to either of her sisters, and if it wasn't for family gatherings they would never see each other.

My dad has been married to my stepmom for 25 years. Her kids have nothing to do with their POS biological father. My stepsister and stepbrother's kids call my dad grandpa and me auntie. I'm closer to my stepsister than I am to my biological sister.

Don't rule out adoption altogether. Perhaps it would help to talk to some adoptive parents. I'll bet they had the same doubts and fears you did, and I'll double bet that they love their children as much as any "real" parent would.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

I'll just share my thoughts as well. I can sympathize with the OP. I've never experienced physical infertility per se (though I certainly don't seem to be very fertile at age 43 with only one ovary, but that's neither here nor there), but I married relatively late, and then had to wait more than 6 years for my husband, who already had two bio kids from his first marriage, to decide he could handle another child. Then, as many here already know, our daughter was born 16 weeks too early due to my life-threatening complications and died when she was a week old. I had always dreamed of having my own children, and never thought it would be so hard. My stepkids already had a mom. And I'd always thought it would be nice to adopt, but not as a substitute for having bio kids.

At this point, I don't think my body can handle another pregnancy although we have not given up. And my husband would rather not go through fertility treatments or use a surrogate...he would rather adopt (to his credit). I admit, it makes me a little bit nervous...not because I feel I would have any less love for an adopted child than one I gave birth to, but because of what might happen later in life if the child wanted to meet his or her birth parents and genetic family. I would encourage this, both because I think the child would have every right to do so and also so that he or she could have a genetic family history, perhaps for health reasons or what have you. Yet I'd still be internally terrified...I'm selfish in that I want to be THE mom, not "one of my moms". It's silly, I know, and it won't stop me from adopting. It's just a fear that I have to get over.

I can't make any decisions for you and I realize this is a VERY personal thing. But if you do want a family and it's not happening naturally, please do look into other options, adoption being one of them. And remember all those stories out there of couples who adopt...and then all of a sudden find themselves expecting naturally as well Best of luck to both of you.

[Jester]

he or she could have a genetic family history, perhaps for health reasons or what have you.

On this point I feel the need to make a suggestion. Specifically, anyone who adopts, whether it's an open adoption or not, whatever the situation is, it is important that you get the biological parents' personal and familial medical history for future use for and by the adopted children. Whether or not they eventually want to meet their biological parents, they should definitely have access to this medical information, and it may not always be possible to contact the biological parents years down the road.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

On this point I feel the need to make a suggestion. Specifically, anyone who adopts, whether it's an open adoption or not, whatever the situation is, it is important that you get the biological parents' personal and familial medical history for future use for and by the adopted children. Whether or not they eventually want to meet their biological parents, they should definitely have access to this medical information, and it may not always be possible to contact the biological parents years down the road.

Agreed. I admit I don't know how the whole process works at the beginning as far as what kind of information you can/should get from the bio parents, etc. I'd definitely prefer to have that kind of information from the start.