Dunno why I'm putting this out here, except...well, I still don't really know. Why not?
I've been struggling with...let's see...depression, social anxiety, PTSD, and extreme dissociation. For a while, obviously, but it's getting worse. The depression ebbs and flows, but I haven't left this apartment except under duress/necessity in weeks. I think the last time I saw anyone friend-related was Halloween, and then it was when I went to the RHPS showing at my old uni, and talked to one person at the end, and gave another person a hug. And that was it. So I'm tremendously isolated at the moment, and it shows.
I keep blinking and discovering four hours have gone by. I was just...spaced out for that whole time. And now I'm worrying more because my aunt said something tonight about "making my other self get up tomorrow and get ready" (she's making me check out an apartment with her), and so now I'm extremely worried about how much she knows/has put together about my mental health and my childhood. Because it would not be good if she DID know about my childhood, as she enables every thing my parents have ever done. I don't even get why, she hates my dad. And she keeps telling me that he can't be that bad because he hasn't stopped my mom from helping her this past year when the truth is, he's been a raging asshole the entire year, my mom just doesn't want to tell her.
I keep trying to get out of here, find a way out of here, and my stupid anxiety keeps stopping me at every turn. The thought of making a single phone call to anybody besides my boyfriend makes me have a panic attack. Which is why I want to know why so many places that deal with mental health patients in any capacity don't have an alternate way of contacting them, since I KNOW phone phobias aren't uncommon.
Add to that feeling more and more unsafe and scared around my aunt, for reasons I'm not even sure of. Add to that feeling completely overwhelmed every time I hear about someone else's pain, like I'm managing to feel all of their pain at the same time I have my own. It's no wonder I end up sleeping on and off most of the day, I'm completely exhausted. I should be asleep right now, as a matter of fact. I keep getting light-headed when I move wrong.
I hate feeling like this, it's one thing to deal with all the mental health stuff, but normally, it's not so bloody awful all at once. And I don't have a therapist. The last one I had was great, but I had to stop seeing her because I graduated, and let me tell you, that was another gigantic stressor because I've been in school my whole life except for now, and I hate it out here. It sucks.
Just...lost and overwhelmed and keep getting flashes of memories I didn't know about and getting stressed over those and now I'm rambling, aren't I...I'mma just go now... -slinks off into the night- Have a cookie, anyone who managed to get through my rambly wall o' text.
Oh! I do suppose one thing is now I've become a massive fan of My Little Pony Friendship is Magic and keep ending up I'm most like Fluttershy. It makes me happy. <3
I've been struggling with...let's see...depression, social anxiety, PTSD, and extreme dissociation. For a while, obviously, but it's getting worse. The depression ebbs and flows, but I haven't left this apartment except under duress/necessity in weeks. I think the last time I saw anyone friend-related was Halloween, and then it was when I went to the RHPS showing at my old uni, and talked to one person at the end, and gave another person a hug. And that was it. So I'm tremendously isolated at the moment, and it shows.
I keep blinking and discovering four hours have gone by. I was just...spaced out for that whole time. And now I'm worrying more because my aunt said something tonight about "making my other self get up tomorrow and get ready" (she's making me check out an apartment with her), and so now I'm extremely worried about how much she knows/has put together about my mental health and my childhood. Because it would not be good if she DID know about my childhood, as she enables every thing my parents have ever done. I don't even get why, she hates my dad. And she keeps telling me that he can't be that bad because he hasn't stopped my mom from helping her this past year when the truth is, he's been a raging asshole the entire year, my mom just doesn't want to tell her.
I keep trying to get out of here, find a way out of here, and my stupid anxiety keeps stopping me at every turn. The thought of making a single phone call to anybody besides my boyfriend makes me have a panic attack. Which is why I want to know why so many places that deal with mental health patients in any capacity don't have an alternate way of contacting them, since I KNOW phone phobias aren't uncommon.
Add to that feeling more and more unsafe and scared around my aunt, for reasons I'm not even sure of. Add to that feeling completely overwhelmed every time I hear about someone else's pain, like I'm managing to feel all of their pain at the same time I have my own. It's no wonder I end up sleeping on and off most of the day, I'm completely exhausted. I should be asleep right now, as a matter of fact. I keep getting light-headed when I move wrong.
I hate feeling like this, it's one thing to deal with all the mental health stuff, but normally, it's not so bloody awful all at once. And I don't have a therapist. The last one I had was great, but I had to stop seeing her because I graduated, and let me tell you, that was another gigantic stressor because I've been in school my whole life except for now, and I hate it out here. It sucks.
Just...lost and overwhelmed and keep getting flashes of memories I didn't know about and getting stressed over those and now I'm rambling, aren't I...I'mma just go now... -slinks off into the night- Have a cookie, anyone who managed to get through my rambly wall o' text.
Oh! I do suppose one thing is now I've become a massive fan of My Little Pony Friendship is Magic and keep ending up I'm most like Fluttershy. It makes me happy. <3
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