Very Very Not Happy....Actually Friggen Pissed

[Jester]

Trust me, the LAST thing someone with an underage sex conviction wants is to be back behind bars...

We don't KNOW that his conviction is an underage sex offense. We only know that he has a sex offense. It could be anything.

The incident that gor him locked up happened when he was 17 and his then girlfirend was 15. After that, the story always changes but my guess is he talked her into shit she didn't wanna do.

And not to belabor the above point, but we don't know this, either. After all, what is your primary source for knowledge about this guy's offense? My guess is that it's him, or perhaps his cousin (your friend), who may not know the whole story. Anything Mr. Douchebag says has to be considered suspect and questionable, so if he says he was 17 and she was 15, that may be the truth, or that may be near the truth, or that may be a complete and total fabrication. After all, if a guy says he had sex with 12 women, most people believe it was less than that. Why would we believe a convicted sex offender when it comes to the nature of his offense. I mean, really, who knows what really happened?

More to the point, who cares? After all, it doesn't really matter what his past conviction is for. It only matters that now YOU can use it as a weapon to get HIM away from you. And use it you should. You should use anything you can to distance yourself from this sackless piece of crap.

I'll try to get the call in tomarrow but I may not be understandable as I'm getting all 4 wisdom teeth surgically removed

Ouch. Yes, that's very understandable. Well, keep in mind, it's 8:23 am, and I'm already awake, so if you wanted to call me before said surgery, knock yourself out.

If not, just PM me when you get the chance, and I'll let you know what my schedule is so you can call me at your convenience. But the sooner we get this douchebag out of your life, the better.

And do not delay going to the cops at all. Get there as SOON as you can. As in yesterday, woman!

[Eisa]

Agree with reading Gift of Fear, I picked it up about a year ago while skimming true crime titles, and it was worth it. Very much worth it. I know for me, it helped me stop worrying about the might's and what if's and pay attention to what is actually happening around me.

This guy is not a nice guy. Therefore, you don't have to be nice. In fact, don't be nice at all.

And definitely agree with going to the lights-and-people. Might make you feel stupid and paranoid, but better to feel paranoid than to be dead (to put it bluntly).

Also--question--did you learn what his crime was from him or do you actually know the details?

[iradney]

I normally put it this way:

Would my Dad tolerate this kind of behaviour towards:
1) me
2) my mom
3) himself?

Generally if the answer is no to at least two, then shut that shit down.

[Seshat]

Honestly, I thought of that a week ago and it's haunted me since...

Smart woman.

Get thee to a self-defence-for-women class.

The sort that allows for the fact that our strengths and weaknesses differ from those of a male body.
The sort that emphasises attention and alertness and being able to rapidly assess situations.
The sort that lets you know where the 'safe' and 'dangerous' areas of a city are.

Also read Gavin deBecker's book "The Gift of Fear", and any other similar books your local librarian can recommend. (If the library doesn't have TGoF, BUY IT. It's worth the money. I own a copy.)

Get a cell phone. Keep it charged. Keep emergency on speed dial. Any time you're in a 'between' zone, have the phone in your hand, with your thumb on the speed dial button.
A 'between' zone is anywhere between busy-with-people and empty-of-people. Examples are the dispersal area of a train station or bus station, any parking lot, and any quiet area near busy areas (such as the back halls of a shopping mall).
'between' zones are dangerous because there are enough targets for a predator, but not enough lights-and-people for the victim to easily get help.

If you notice something wrong in a between-zone, DO NOT head for your car or your home or somewhere like that. Go to the lights-and-people. If you feel unsafe, rather than just uneasy, hit the speed dial on your phone and keep talking to the operator until you are safe. Better for you to keep an emergency-services operator busy while you get to safety than for you to end up a news headline.

If you're attacked, or even 'just' encouraged to leave lights-and-people by someone you don't feel comfortable leaving with (such as HIM), make a scene. Again, better to make a scene than to be a news headline.



Any of the security officers and former security officers here will (I trust) back me up on this: they may not want to be kept late at work, but they'd far, far rather escort someone to their car and watch to be sure the person gets into the flow of traffic safely, than to read the newspaper and find out someone was killed on their watch.
You can ALWAYS go back to lights-and-people. And you can always at least ASK for security to escort you to your car/to the bus stop/watch you until you get into a taxi. If their particular job doesn't allow them to do that, a smart/wise security officer will let you wait somewhere they can watch you, until help can arrive.



The best form of self defence is not needing to fight - because you just weren't there when the fight would otherwise have occurred.

Keep yourself safe.

[Buglady]

Too many women have been raised to be "good girls", to not want to "cause a scene" or upset the man's feelings, and that is precisely what the creeps are hoping for

^^^ THIS^^^

Short version:

Ask yourself: What's worse? Being not-nice, maybe even bitchy, or being beaten up and/or dead? Because that IS where this will go. I am not kidding, exaggerating or overreacting. That guy is showing EVERY signal there is for abusive males.

Police. Now.

Long Version:

1. Seriously, being nice is fucking overrated. Women do not owe men automatic sweetness-and-light (and how exactly does a penis warrant that kind of obeisance anyway?? Honestly! Half the guys who pull this crap don't even know how to use theirs anyway!).

2. This guy has already broken his side of the social contract - you know, the one that says "don't be a douchewaffle and harass women" - so it's completely fair for him to experience the consequences. You are in NO WAY being mean, bitchy, unfair, unfeminine, vindictive, or anything else by not saving him from himself! He's already been in jail. Let him deal with that if he didn't learn the first time. Not your problem. You just met him.

3. Read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. That goes for all women reading this thread, actually.

And one other thing - Kisa, I'm old enough to be your mom. Please trust me when I say that having someone mad at you isn't the end of the world. At this stage in your life your friendships are a huge part of how you are growing into yourself as a person - but they are NOT the whole of who you are, and the short term sting of rejection from friends who don't agree with you cannot compare to the strength you will find in doing what you need to to protect yourself.

Also part of being older is that you run out of energy to deal with drama, bullshit, and the strutting young males that cause a lot of the former, so you get a lot better at either ignoring them or subduing them with a well-placed Alpha Bitch snarl...

[Kisa]

Ahh, so he's a kiddy diddler. It just gets better and better with him, don't it?

The incident that gor him locked up happened when he was 17 and his then girlfirend was 15. After that, the story always changes but my guess is he talked her into shit she didn't wanna do. The school restrictions are put in place because he had sex with a minor. In my state, a minor is anyone under 18 so trat includes girls with driver permits, girls with training bras and kiddies in diapers.

I am PMing you my phone number. Call me this weekend.

I'll try to get the call in tomarrow but I may not be understandable as I'm getting all 4 wisdom teeth surgically removed

that makes him more dangerous because he also has the "violence = best argument ender/date motivator ever" mindset.

Honestly, I thought of that a week ago and it's haunted me since...

[Redbeard]

You misunderstand, Canarr. I wasn't arguing, I was agreeing and then some.

Kisa: If this guy's also an unreformed gang banger (And I have met some that got out of that life. Good people now, very haunted by their past), that makes him more dangerous because he also has the "violence = best argument ender/date motivator ever" mindset.
Please go to the police immediately, tell them that you are reporting harassment from a paroled sex offender and that you need to file a report with his P.O.. Make sure that the texts and voice mails are all transcribed by an officer to be included in the official record.
The only way he's going to listen is if there's a badge in his face with very clear instructions "You go near her, you go back inside". Trust me, the LAST thing someone with an underage sex conviction wants is to be back behind bars, and it also sets a record of behavior in the system that is reviewed at his next parole hearing, if he's allowed one.
I'm glad you're listening though, I haven't been here very long but I'm growing to like pretty every other Veteran of Asshattery by the Public (tm) in here

[Canarr]

And if he IS violating his parole by acting in this fashion? It's his choice, he obviously doesn't deserve parole if he can't abide by the guidlines set.

Read my post carefully: I'm all for calling the police on him if necessary - and from Kisa's further posts, we're well beyond necessary. I merely objected against a blanket statement of, "That's the way it is!" because I seriously dislike those. Since notlovinit already retracted that, though, I've got nothing further to add here.

So, @Kisa: what everybody else already said. Take care, be safe, and get that creep cut out of your life asap.

[Jester]

It is difficult to ignore them because I'm an overly nice person who has a difficult time saying no. My friend actually suggested I let him delete my number from JackHole's phones (yes he has multiple phones. 1 to show his P.O., 1 old one he's not supposed to have and 1 new android he's not supposed to have). Today, I agreed because I need help. I wanted to do this myself at first but it's getting worse. Today, he called 7 TIMES IN A ROW and left a nasty message telling me to "answer your fucking phone" because he "just wants to fucking tell you one fucking thing but I can't fucking tell you unless you pick the fuck up". The first few times I let it ring because I dodn't want to hit ignore and let him know I'm ignoring his calls. The I realized, yes that's exactly what I want! So I started to ignore them. I'm considering changing my number...

You are clearly a nice person, but in this case, you are being too nice.

Changing your number? Because of this shit?

I agree that you need to talk to the police and get this shit official. I reiterate my earlier comments that you need to ignore his calls and his texts, and NOT listen to his voicemails, as they clearly upset you. And while I am usually one to say "you need to do this for yourself," I appreciate the fact that you recognized you needed some help and went out and got it from your friend.

I am PMing you my phone number. Call me this weekend.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

His probation forbids him from talking to anyone younger than 19, male or female, so he is allowed to talk to me. However, if he came to my house, he would go straight back to jail as he cannot go within 1,000ft of a school/daycare and my house is right behind a school.

Ahh, so he's a kiddy diddler. It just gets better and better with him, don't it?

[iradney]

You want to be nice? Think of it this way: By getting the police involved and aware of this situation, you are being very nice to yourself and any of his potential future victimes by getting him on the radar. When he does something that results in his arrest, your information given to the police will be very nice for being used to put him away. And it's even nicer because no other woman/girl will have to be harrassed/abused by this idiot again.

And let's face it - that's the best kind of nice.

PS the fact that the terms of his parole dictate age and schools worries me.

[Kaylyn]

It is difficult to ignore them because I'm an overly nice person who has a difficult time saying no.

I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm not the most assertive person either, because from my personal past experience assertive = bitch in most people's minds. And I'm super paranoid about what people think of me, so I tend to let more things slide than most people would, and I let things affect me negatively that I really shouldn't worry about.

That being said, this guy does NOT deserve nice!Kisa. So don't worry about trying to be nice. And don't be a bitch, either, because sounds like he thrives on getting your hackles raised. Just do your best to let it go. Do the police thing, do the one text saying, "Leave me the fuck alone" and then don't read the following messages, or listen to the voicemails. Memorize your skip button on your voicemail. Save them to show the police, because he WILL try to contact you after you've said no, because right now he just hears empty threats and knows he's getting under your skin, which is what he wants. It's definitely a control issue. Ignore what he has to say, just turn it over to the authorities, and don't let him control you just because you want to remain "nice."

[Seshat]

but I realized that was what he wanted

He wants to control you. He wants to affect you.

Or more precisely, he wants a woman he can control and affect. It doesn't have to be you, you're just handy.

And you were nice to him. And he can get access to you via your mutual friend. And you're socialised to be Polite and Respond To People and Not Be Cruel, which he can manipulate.

Take a record of all the interactions with him you have recorded (text messages, etc) to the police station. If the officer you're talking with says that the evidence shows that you've told him not to interact with you, then don't respond to him ever again.
If the officer says there needs to be a 'don't talk to me, don't interact with me' message sent, ask if it can be done by the police, on your behalf. If that's legally allowable as the 'leave me alone' message in your particular jurisdiction, do that.
ONLY - and here I agree with Jester - ONLY send that final message yourself if you legally must, to make his harassment legally qualify as harassment.
The police will know what you have to do.

[FormerCallingCardRep]

I'm considering changing my number...

That is exactly what you need to do.

[Kisa]

Kisa,

Lot's of good advice here. But...... I get the sense it is hard for you to completely ignore the text messages. If you do send one response on your own you may find yourself dragged into a conversation you don't want. So, really do go to the police. Talk to someone there. Send the one GTFO message if the police agree. But please don't try to manage this on your own... you are up against an experienced manipulator.

It is difficult to ignore them because I'm an overly nice person who has a difficult time saying no. My friend actually suggested I let him delete my number from JackHole's phones (yes he has multiple phones. 1 to show his P.O., 1 old one he's not supposed to have and 1 new android he's not supposed to have). Today, I agreed because I need help. I wanted to do this myself at first but it's getting worse. Today, he called 7 TIMES IN A ROW and left a nasty message telling me to "answer your fucking phone" because he "just wants to fucking tell you one fucking thing but I can't fucking tell you unless you pick the fuck up". The first few times I let it ring because I dodn't want to hit ignore and let him know I'm ignoring his calls. The I realized, yes that's exactly what I want! So I started to ignore them. I'm considering changing my number...