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My significant other and I are separated for winter break this year again, he's in Maine and I'm in Pennsylvania. Break is five weeks, I have the option of visiting him for the final two weeks of break from January 3rd til the 15th. However:
* Traveling entails a 13 hour bus ride that will cost me $200 round trip. He's offered to lend me the money if I need it. I'm currently contracted as a freelance content writer and I've already done the math and figured out how much I need to write to pay my bills this month and still afford to go. It would be easy to meet that quota. But articles take 3 days from the date of writing them to become auto-approved unless the client manually approves it earlier (they usually don't), payroll is every Monday and it takes 3-4 days past Monday to get the money from Paypal into my bank account where I can access it. Even if I sat down tomorrow and wrote enough articles to pay for the trip, there's no guarantee I'd have the money before I leave. Going would probably mean borrowing the entire $200 from him.
* This is going to sound like an awful reason to not want to go. Break started less than a week ago and I already miss him so much it hurts. I'm writing this post at 4 in the morning because I can't sleep without him next to me. Obviously I love spending time with him, but by January 3rd I won't have seen him for nearly 3 weeks.
His family is conservative and opposes us living together. His mom "forbids" us to sleep in the same bed while we're at school (we're roommates) but we do anyway. I visited him over Thanksgiving break and we made the mistake of sleeping on the couch together. We figured that since we were in the most public place in the house, no one could object to us sleeping there since we obviously couldn't be having sex or anything. We also cuddled (completely clean, just hugging/leaning on each other) during family time with everyone and occasionally we gave each other chaste kisses (just on the lips or cheek). I found out later after we were back at school that the sleeping and cuddling offended his family, so now I'm going to feel awkward about being there. I shouldn't take it personally or get upset, but it bothers me that I offended them.
Because of that, I can't sleep next to him or receive any kind of physical affection from him while I'm in his parents' house. After three weeks of not seeing him at all, I'll have to deal with acting like his good friend when we're all but engaged. I can't hug him or give him a kiss and I know I won't be able to sleep at all because I'll be alone. Having him that close, in the same house, but not being able to sleep next to him is going to make all the sleeplessness I'm experiencing right now even worse. I'm going to feel anxious all the time because we're naturally very affectionate together and I won't be able to do anything.
I'm thinking about sucking it up and borrowing the money from him to go, and going to the health center first to get sleeping pills so that I can knock myself out at night instead of staying up all night agonizing over how badly I need him to sleep with me. Every day this break he's asked me "how the money situation is", meaning "will you be able to come next month?" and he keeps telling me how much he wants me there. And if I'm there, we'll take a 13 hour bus ride back to school together on January 15th instead of him being stuck on the bus alone all day.
I wish I wasn't such a physically needy person so this wasn't an issue. I honestly love spending time with him, watching movies or playing games, making fun of bad TV or just talking to him. But missing him this badly and then not even being able to hug him until we're back at school?
Edit to add: I can't go home for breaks because my family doesn't have room so it doesn't help that I'm stuck in our dorm room alone with basically no human contact. I think that's compounding my neediness significantly.
* Traveling entails a 13 hour bus ride that will cost me $200 round trip. He's offered to lend me the money if I need it. I'm currently contracted as a freelance content writer and I've already done the math and figured out how much I need to write to pay my bills this month and still afford to go. It would be easy to meet that quota. But articles take 3 days from the date of writing them to become auto-approved unless the client manually approves it earlier (they usually don't), payroll is every Monday and it takes 3-4 days past Monday to get the money from Paypal into my bank account where I can access it. Even if I sat down tomorrow and wrote enough articles to pay for the trip, there's no guarantee I'd have the money before I leave. Going would probably mean borrowing the entire $200 from him.
* This is going to sound like an awful reason to not want to go. Break started less than a week ago and I already miss him so much it hurts. I'm writing this post at 4 in the morning because I can't sleep without him next to me. Obviously I love spending time with him, but by January 3rd I won't have seen him for nearly 3 weeks.
His family is conservative and opposes us living together. His mom "forbids" us to sleep in the same bed while we're at school (we're roommates) but we do anyway. I visited him over Thanksgiving break and we made the mistake of sleeping on the couch together. We figured that since we were in the most public place in the house, no one could object to us sleeping there since we obviously couldn't be having sex or anything. We also cuddled (completely clean, just hugging/leaning on each other) during family time with everyone and occasionally we gave each other chaste kisses (just on the lips or cheek). I found out later after we were back at school that the sleeping and cuddling offended his family, so now I'm going to feel awkward about being there. I shouldn't take it personally or get upset, but it bothers me that I offended them.
Because of that, I can't sleep next to him or receive any kind of physical affection from him while I'm in his parents' house. After three weeks of not seeing him at all, I'll have to deal with acting like his good friend when we're all but engaged. I can't hug him or give him a kiss and I know I won't be able to sleep at all because I'll be alone. Having him that close, in the same house, but not being able to sleep next to him is going to make all the sleeplessness I'm experiencing right now even worse. I'm going to feel anxious all the time because we're naturally very affectionate together and I won't be able to do anything.
I'm thinking about sucking it up and borrowing the money from him to go, and going to the health center first to get sleeping pills so that I can knock myself out at night instead of staying up all night agonizing over how badly I need him to sleep with me. Every day this break he's asked me "how the money situation is", meaning "will you be able to come next month?" and he keeps telling me how much he wants me there. And if I'm there, we'll take a 13 hour bus ride back to school together on January 15th instead of him being stuck on the bus alone all day.
I wish I wasn't such a physically needy person so this wasn't an issue. I honestly love spending time with him, watching movies or playing games, making fun of bad TV or just talking to him. But missing him this badly and then not even being able to hug him until we're back at school?
Edit to add: I can't go home for breaks because my family doesn't have room so it doesn't help that I'm stuck in our dorm room alone with basically no human contact. I think that's compounding my neediness significantly.
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