Do I suck it up and attend or stand my ground?

[FuzzyKitten99]

This has to do with my own mother.

B/G: My mother has always been a bit absentee. She was a teenager when I was born, made some not-so-good choices and lost custody of me to my step-dad's (the guy my mom named as my dad, but biologically was not as I later found out) mother, who ended up raising me until she passed away when I was nearly 16.

We never really had the close relationship I had always desired with her. Even after my grandmother passed, and I moved in with my step-dad, which was closer to her in distance than before, she never really made the effort nor expressed desire to be in my life more than she was at the time

Then I got married to my now-ex and had two kids. She only lived a few blocks away and with her work schedule, she was finally around more, voluntarily too. Stopping by in the mornings with pastries for the kids, and babysitting, etc.

Then my ex and I split, and she sided with him, pretty much acting like I wasn't even her daughter. Yes our split wasn't a pleasant one, yet it was not an epic fight, either. You would think I could count on my own mother for emotional support. Nope. She seemed more interested in getting to know my ex's new GF than being a mother to me or meeting the guy I was dating (who is now my husband). I never told her nor thought she had to avoid my ex. Quite the opposite but she is MY mother. Could I have that too, please?

She finally came to terms with my divorce and got to know my new guy, and accepted he was/is in my life.

So, she seemed to make a little more effort. It didn't last long.

Fast forward to now. In the last 2 years, she hasn't made one bit of effort to see my kids when they're with me. She lives with my sister, 10 miles away. I have my kids every morning before school and every other weekend. Then holidays are kind of based upon my ex and his family schedule, but I usually get them for even part of a day if it isn't my weekend.

This past Christmas my dad and step-mom drove 1000 miles from Dallas to my place to spend Christmas with all of us, especially with my boys. My mom didn't even want to make the effort to drive 10 miles and she said she had other plans to just stay home. Yeah.

It was then I decided that if she doesn't want to make any effort to be in our lives, then I am done trying. She tries to argue I never go see her or bring the boys to her. Um, I have TRIED to but she is NEVER home. She is always out with her boyfriend or always tells me she has to work. She seems to always be working but never seems to have any money...

So today my grandma (her mom) calls telling me she wants to do a surprise b-day party for my mom on Monday, along with celebrating my husband's b-day (his is this weds). The dinner party is going to be at the restaurant that is across the street from my shop. Grandma knows a little bit about what went on for Christmas but I hadn't really said anything to her about it after.

My whole point is I really don't want to go. I honestly don't want much to do with my mother anymore. I am tired of being ignored and my kids being ignored. They have asked about her, I just don't know how do I tell them that their grandmother is not interested in them anymore. The thing is, more than just my grandparents will be there. My two sisters are going to be, and a few others, I think.

My dilemma is I can't exactly say I can't go. The party is going to be right across from my shop, so I can't just avoid it and claim the shop is busy, when on Mondays, it is pretty slow-and it will be obvious. Plus my grandparents are coming from where they live, 4 hours away, and they offered to make it a dual-party with my husband in mind.

My husband is supportive of whatever I want to do.

I want to go because my grandparents are wanting to see us and they are being themselves and including Steve's birthday in the celebrations.

I don't want to go because I don't want to have anything to do with my mother anymore. I am tired of the emotional struggle of wanting a close relationship, or even a relationship, period. My dad's family is all in Texas, so I can't just see them any time I want. They all WANT to be in my life and such and do so as much as they can from the distance they are.

My mom's family is all I have up here. My in-laws aren't very fond of me.

I am at a cross-roads...

[csquared]

Celebrate your husband's birthday. Let you kids have time with their other relatives.

Ignore that other women who will happen to be there.

One other suggestion:
Ask Grandmother what EXACTLY is she going to do to make sure everyone knows that they are there to celebrate husband's birthday also. I would hate to see you show up and find out that "Celebrate husband's birthday" was a ploy to get you to come.

[iradney]

Go. Why avoid your family because your Mom is a *censored* wench? If she talks to you, be civil, be polite, and after a few sentences say "Oh gosh, there's Bob. I really need to ask him about to get cats out of printers, please excuse me"
See if you can get Hubby to play interference, like come grab you "It's my birthday! I want a birthday hug/dance/kiss from my wife wooo!"

[FuzzyKitten99]

Celebrate your husband's birthday. Let you kids have time with their other relatives.

Ignore that other women who will happen to be there.

One other suggestion:
Ask Grandmother what EXACTLY is she going to do to make sure everyone knows that they are there to celebrate husband's birthday also. I would hate to see you show up and find out that "Celebrate husband's birthday" was a ploy to get you to come.

My kids probably won't be there. I could go get them, as they only live a couple miles away.

My grandma wouldn't 'trick' me in that way. This could be a way for her to try to help mend fences, etc, without my mom knowing. It is supposed to be a surprise party for my mom, and my grandma knows that my husband's b-day is Weds but they won't be able to make it down, so this would be kind of a make-it-up to him night.

[MaggieTheCat]

I agree with the others, go and enjoy spending time with your other relatives and just ignore the woman. If she tries to talk to you, make as little small talk/response as politely possible and then walk away or go talk to someone else. Just because she is related to you by blood, does not mean you have to have a relationship with her.

[MoonCat]

Go, but keep your emotional distance from your mom. By that I mean, don't have any expectations. Wish her a happy birthday, than go enjoy yourself with the rest of your family. Focus on the good feelings you get from that. Sometimes people can't give us what we want or need from them. So be it. You have other family that loves you and knows how to show it, including your husband. In your own mind, make the party about family and husband, and your mom just happens to be having a birthday, too.

[Merriweather]

Having had experience with toxic relatives, ones who contribute nothing to your life but only drain you emotionally and add drama & stress to your life, let me just say that first and foremost, do what is the best for your own emotional health, no matter what that is. Your relationships with your husband, children & other relatives (the good ones) can only gain from having you at your best.

Ideally, the goal is to get to the point where you can attend family functions such as this, treat your mom as just another guest that you have minimal interaction with, and enjoy being with all the relatives you care for. You need the emotional distance from her so that you have no expectations of her, invest none of your own emotional energy in her, and are simply not affected by what she does or does not do.

If you feel you can manage this at this point, then by all means, go and have a wonderful time with all those you care for, and don't allow her being there to matter (if well-meaning relatives try to push you together, simply walk away).

If you don't feel you aer ready for this, it is perfectly ok for you to simply say you can't make it (if you would be working nearby, simply say you can't make it as you will be working). Don't force yourself to go if you truly feel you will be in emotional distress.

There is no right or wrong decision, just make the one that works for you now.

[Der Cute]

Ok, so let's say you've decided to not go:
"I'm sorry, grandma, I won't be able to make it there. Send my good wishes to everyone"
"Why can't you go, it's FAAAAAMILY"
"I've got plans, I made them before you told me about this"
"but but but cancel"
"Sorry, no, I'm just not going to be able to do that. Did you get confetti or glitter for your hair?"

If you do:
"Ok, granma, I'll be there, but only for awhile, something has come up"
"but but it's FAAAAAMILY"
"I know, that's why I'm popping in. If I don't get to see someone, tell them hi from me"
"but but cancel"
"I'll be there at 3pm. Bye!"

You could go in just before the cake gets cut (who passes up free cake?) or just at the beginning to say hi to everyone. If your mother starts "hey come talk to me I'm FAAAAMILY. blargle I raised you blargle" Sit down for a bit, talk about the weather, steer the conversations and GTFO quickly. BUT this is a skill that takes practice and you need to know how to steer a convo (I'm new at it).
If your granma tells you to talk to your mother, you say "Ok. Hey, mother, how's it been lately? Oh really, you got gangrene and your nose fell off? Wow, that's sad. But, you've been to the doctor too, and the doc says you've got Martian Disease, because you were abducted by aliens? Oh I hope you feel better soon. Whelp, I have to go, I have appointments. Bye!"

Your appointment is a glass of liquor and chocolate cake. Or pedicure. Or laundry washing. Anything you want it to be, even dog poop scooping. You don't HAVE to go. You CAN go, and if you do, make it short. That way murder and strangulation won't be so prominent.

Good luck, and I'm glad you're self-aware enough to predict the possible outcomes. That's a good skill to have.

[Jester]

There is only one person who can decide what is ultimately right for you, and that is you. So we can't really help you with your internal struggle. Ultimately, you have to come to grips with what is best for you.

If you decide to go, go. Enjoy yourself with your other relatives, bring your kids so they can see their grandmother, great grandmother (who sounds like a decent woman), and their other relatives. Celebrate your husband's birthday. While it may be very unlikely, there is a small chance that this will be the opening your mother needs to finally start being more of a mother and less of a stranger to you, though I would not expect or even hope for that. Merely go with no expectations in regards to your mother.

If you decide to not go, hold firm. If this woman makes you feel so crappy, why subject yourself to that? Celebrate your husband's birthday with him, and enjoy your day. "But why can't you make it?" Because you have other plans. It's the same excuse your mother has used in the past to brush you off, so it seems that it's valid enough.

On a personal note, for various reasons, I loathe my aunt, my mother's sister. But I still deal with her from time to time. If I happen to answer the phone at my mom's house and it's the Evil Aunt, I'll be polite and civil to her, and hand the phone off to Mom as soon as I can. Mom knows fully well how I feel about her sister, and the reasons for it, and she really doesn't question it. She's forgiven her sister for her sister's past transgressions...I have not. We don't argue about it, we merely accept how the other one feels about Auntie. And if I am at a family function and Evil Aunt is there, again, I will be civil and polite, but really don't bother going further. I imagine that Evil Aunt knows my feelings about her, but frankly, I really don't care if she does or doesn't. She did what she did all those years ago, and she did so by making conscious choices that she knew would affect many people, people she allegedly cared about. So...fuck her. She gets my civility and politeness, and that's about it.

Just something for you to think about with your "mother."

[georgie]

im going to be the differing opinion here (sorry)

i wouldnt go. it would irk me to be around someone who preferred my ex and his new gf over me. it would irk me to be around someone who made it clear over the years that i was never a high priority.

i dont think its got anything to do with her having you as a teenager. she probably would have acted the same if you were born in her 20's or 30's. its just who she is.

that said, it doesnt mean you have to accept it.

so my advice is to celebrate your hubbys birthday with him and those who care about you both only because if you go to your mothers birthday party youre going to end up going home feeling worse.

[Kristev]

I think you shouldn't go.

[FuzzyKitten99]

New twist on the situation: Grandma and Grandpa want to see the boys. SO... now I am pretty much going to have to go. I won't deny them seeing my kids especially when they only get down here a few times a year.

Originally I wasn't intending to bring them as it is a weeknight but this is a special situation.

Ugh.

I will likely just do as Jester, and be polite and cordial. I know my inner emotions would be to just vent on all the BS she has put me through but I am going to have to keep it inside unless she says something that sets me off.

I sure hope she doesn't.

[georgie]

so now they're using emotional blackmail.

are you grandparents saying that the only time they can see your boys is at your mothers birthday party?

why cant they drop into your home an hour (or 3) before the party or another day even?


what your grandparents are doing is forcing you to face your mother. please please dont let them do this to you.

[Seshat]

Ask them to drop your mother from the guest list. It's a surprise party, so she doesn't know about it yet anyway.

[gremcint]

if you're going set some ground rules. first there must be an acknowledgement of your husband's birthday. second they are not to hint, force, or compel you to talk to your mother at all. Third they are not to discuss your mother with you at all. Fourth when you want to leave they have to accept it.

And then if they try anything just leave and go home.