Some background: I live in a medium-sized condo complex which has notoriously bad sound insulation between the floors. Other than that, it's OK. My neighbors two floors below me recently moved out after selling the place, and while they were nice, they always complained about the noise on a petty level.
Today, two weeks after they moved in, I met my new neighbors for the first time when they parked while I was on my way to get my laundry. Here's a running dialog (with some color commentary) of what happened.
Me: "Hey, you must be the new neighbors."
Woman: "Hi, I'm [forgot]"
George: "I'm George."
Me: "I'm TheHuckster."
I'm very sorry, lady. I actually don't recall if I legitimately forgot your name because I'm forgetful, or if it's because you were slurring your words so much, since you are unbelievably drunk. That alone wouldn't concern me, except you exited the car on the LEFT side, although it looks like George is not much better off driving.
George: "So, how long have you been here?"
Me: "About 5 years."
Woman: "Oh wow."
Me: "Yeah, I'm definitely the guy who's been in this building the longest. The folks over there have been here for about two years, the rest of them are brand new."
George: "Yeah, now let me tell you about these neighbors above us."
Woman: "Oh, dear..."
Oh no, you're going to be just like my previous neighbors, aren't you? You're going to ramble on and on about how awful your neighbors upstairs are. Yes, I know... they play Adele and Nirvana nonstop on their huge 8.2 sound system. Yep, you're ranting and raving about your neighbors for 5 minutes now. Well, just be glad you aren't familiar with "Wii Night".
Woman: "Wee night? You mean they piss all over the--"
Me: "No."
Please allow me to explain. It's not "Wee" night, it's "Wii" night. Those two letters make all the difference. If they had "Wee Night" I don't think they would have survived your previous owners' wrath. "Wii Night" was something the previous neighbors in that unit had where they would play Dance Dance Revolution on their Wii twice a week with their friends. It nearly drove the previous owners of your unit to homicide.
Woman: "Well, we can't complain too much. We got this place for just XX G's."
Good Lord, I'm so far underwater, I fear I may get the bends if I'm not too careful.
George: "So, what kind of gossip about the neighbors you got?"
Oh, we're at that level of relationship already? Where I just freely dispose to you every love triangle, every domestic dispute, and every dumb thing people have done in this place? Sorry, you're going to have to know me a little longer before I share those juicy details with you... of course, you're going to be sorely disappointed when or if we ever get to that point, because there IS no gossip to speak of. This isn't Big Brother or Jersey Shore. You've been watching too much TV.
George: "So, I'm a retired cop... I'm sorry, I'm slurring my words."
Oh please, don't apologize. I'm enjoying this.
Woman: "Yeah, we've been drinking... so what do you do?"
Me: "I actually work from home, so you'll see me here quite a bit during the weekdays. I'm in software."
Woman: "Ah... oh, by the way, I'm [forgot] and this is George."
Yes, you told me already. And yet somehow, I missed your name again.
George: "So, can we like... knock on your door whenever we want?"
Your tone was exactly 50% joking and 50% serious. I'm not sure how to respond to that, really... should I be tongue in cheek and say sure? Or should I give you a response like Melvin did to Simon in As Good As It Gets? I'll just respond with nervous laughter and say, "Whatever."
Woman: "Oh, don't worry, I won't bother you much."
I don't mind the occasional knock, don't get me wrong. I've just learned from Seinfeld that he made a critical mistake in inviting his neighbor to share his abode too much, and you look like just the kind of couple who would do that sort of thing.
George: "Do you have a wife or a girlfriend?"
Me: "A girlfriend, she's up in Maine for the summer, but she's coming here this weekend."
George: "Oh, great! We'd love to meet her. Is that your car? The red one?"
Me: "Yes."
George: "Oh, good, so we'll know just when you're here in case we need you."
Need me?
George: "So, you're in computers?"
Uuuuuuugh, here we go...
Me: "Yes."
George: "See, I know NOTHING about computers, so you would be the perfect neighbor."
Woman: "Oh, you have no idea just how stupid we are with computers."
George: "What's the best for me? Is MSN good?"
Me: "..."
George: "You know, MSN? Bing? Is that a good homepage to have?"
Me: "They're all the same, really... I use Google myself."
George: "Ah, yeah? I've heard of Google."
I think even North Koreans have at least heard of Google.
George: "So is that your car? I'm George, by the way, and this is [forgot]"
Oh, please tell me you're only doing this because you're completely wasted. I'd hate to have to reintroduce myself every time we meet.
Woman: "So, what do you do?"
Me: "I'm in computers."
Woman: "Oh, that's right. Hey, can you fix my TV?"
I should have used my defense and said I'm a telemarketer or something. It's the only profession where people don't need your assistance in anything. Also, asking a software engineer to fix your TV is like asking a dentist to do an eye test. But, okay, challenge me.
Woman: "See... my TV, it has menu, and I can't get the info."
...you lost me.
Woman: "You know the menu? And the info?"
Me: "You mean the TV guide?"
Woman: "YES! The TV guide! See, George, he's good."
Yes, understanding such technical terms such as "TV Guide" makes me the TV master.
Woman: "See, I don't know how to get the guide to work."
Me: "Do you have COX?"
Woman: "Yes."
Thankfully you knew what I meant and didn't assume I was insulting your womanhood. For those of you who are unaware, COX is an American ISP. I think Gravekeeper actually mentioned it and made fun of its name once.
Me: "If you want, I could look at it."
George: "You mean now?!"
Me: "Well..."
Woman: "Yes! Now!"
Me: "Okay..."
George: "I'm George, by the way."
You know, I'm tempted to introduce myself with a completely different name every time you do that, just to see if you catch on.
...alright, so I can see your TV in the living room is definitely connected to the box, but the box isn't giving the TV any signal... well, that concludes my extensive troubleshooting. You're going to have to call COX.
Woman: "Can you check the bedroom? That has a different problem. I can't get to the menu-- the guide-- with the info."
Me: "Alright, sure... so you've never got the guide to work?"
Woman: "NEVER."
My laundry is getting musty at this point. So let me see what's going on with your guide... ah, it's a rookie mistake.
Me: "See, you need to press 'cable' and THEN 'guide'"
Woman: "Cable... then guide... cable... then guide..."
You might want to write this down. It worked for someone else I knew... wait a second... I see something is already recording on this TV... you DID work the guide at one point! Why did you say never?
George: "Hey, we should pay you!" [starts leafing through cash in his pocket]
Me: "Oh, please, don't worry about it."
George: "But you fixed our TVs!"
Me: "Actually, I only showed you how to operate one, the other is still broken."
George: "Oh."
You should be thankful I'm honest, and I don't take money from drunks. By the way there's a LOT of cash in your pocket, and it looked like you were going to give me a hundred dollars for pressing two buttons on a remote.
Me: "Alright, well I've got to get my laundry done."
George: "Alright, well, it's good to meet you. I'm George."
Me: "Yes, I'm... TheHuckster."
I was tempted to say George or Eric, but I'm too nice.
Woman: "Oh, I should introduce you to my sister... she's REALLY HOT. You'd like her *wink*"
Uh oh... the slurred way you said that gave me flashbacks to a drunk girl I had an encounter with who smoked in my face and started randomly screaming obscenities at the street. She isn't THAT girl, is she? In any case, I thought I told you I had a girlfriend.
George: "Have a good night. It's good to meet you."
Me: "Nice meeting you, too..."
I wonder if they'll remember this encounter when they wake up tomorrow morning.
Today, two weeks after they moved in, I met my new neighbors for the first time when they parked while I was on my way to get my laundry. Here's a running dialog (with some color commentary) of what happened.
Me: "Hey, you must be the new neighbors."
Woman: "Hi, I'm [forgot]"
George: "I'm George."
Me: "I'm TheHuckster."
I'm very sorry, lady. I actually don't recall if I legitimately forgot your name because I'm forgetful, or if it's because you were slurring your words so much, since you are unbelievably drunk. That alone wouldn't concern me, except you exited the car on the LEFT side, although it looks like George is not much better off driving.
George: "So, how long have you been here?"
Me: "About 5 years."
Woman: "Oh wow."
Me: "Yeah, I'm definitely the guy who's been in this building the longest. The folks over there have been here for about two years, the rest of them are brand new."
George: "Yeah, now let me tell you about these neighbors above us."
Woman: "Oh, dear..."
Oh no, you're going to be just like my previous neighbors, aren't you? You're going to ramble on and on about how awful your neighbors upstairs are. Yes, I know... they play Adele and Nirvana nonstop on their huge 8.2 sound system. Yep, you're ranting and raving about your neighbors for 5 minutes now. Well, just be glad you aren't familiar with "Wii Night".
Woman: "Wee night? You mean they piss all over the--"
Me: "No."
Please allow me to explain. It's not "Wee" night, it's "Wii" night. Those two letters make all the difference. If they had "Wee Night" I don't think they would have survived your previous owners' wrath. "Wii Night" was something the previous neighbors in that unit had where they would play Dance Dance Revolution on their Wii twice a week with their friends. It nearly drove the previous owners of your unit to homicide.
Woman: "Well, we can't complain too much. We got this place for just XX G's."
Good Lord, I'm so far underwater, I fear I may get the bends if I'm not too careful.
George: "So, what kind of gossip about the neighbors you got?"
Oh, we're at that level of relationship already? Where I just freely dispose to you every love triangle, every domestic dispute, and every dumb thing people have done in this place? Sorry, you're going to have to know me a little longer before I share those juicy details with you... of course, you're going to be sorely disappointed when or if we ever get to that point, because there IS no gossip to speak of. This isn't Big Brother or Jersey Shore. You've been watching too much TV.
George: "So, I'm a retired cop... I'm sorry, I'm slurring my words."
Oh please, don't apologize. I'm enjoying this.
Woman: "Yeah, we've been drinking... so what do you do?"
Me: "I actually work from home, so you'll see me here quite a bit during the weekdays. I'm in software."
Woman: "Ah... oh, by the way, I'm [forgot] and this is George."
Yes, you told me already. And yet somehow, I missed your name again.
George: "So, can we like... knock on your door whenever we want?"
Your tone was exactly 50% joking and 50% serious. I'm not sure how to respond to that, really... should I be tongue in cheek and say sure? Or should I give you a response like Melvin did to Simon in As Good As It Gets? I'll just respond with nervous laughter and say, "Whatever."
Woman: "Oh, don't worry, I won't bother you much."
I don't mind the occasional knock, don't get me wrong. I've just learned from Seinfeld that he made a critical mistake in inviting his neighbor to share his abode too much, and you look like just the kind of couple who would do that sort of thing.
George: "Do you have a wife or a girlfriend?"
Me: "A girlfriend, she's up in Maine for the summer, but she's coming here this weekend."
George: "Oh, great! We'd love to meet her. Is that your car? The red one?"
Me: "Yes."
George: "Oh, good, so we'll know just when you're here in case we need you."
Need me?
George: "So, you're in computers?"
Uuuuuuugh, here we go...
Me: "Yes."
George: "See, I know NOTHING about computers, so you would be the perfect neighbor."
Woman: "Oh, you have no idea just how stupid we are with computers."
George: "What's the best for me? Is MSN good?"
Me: "..."
George: "You know, MSN? Bing? Is that a good homepage to have?"
Me: "They're all the same, really... I use Google myself."
George: "Ah, yeah? I've heard of Google."
I think even North Koreans have at least heard of Google.
George: "So is that your car? I'm George, by the way, and this is [forgot]"
Oh, please tell me you're only doing this because you're completely wasted. I'd hate to have to reintroduce myself every time we meet.
Woman: "So, what do you do?"
Me: "I'm in computers."
Woman: "Oh, that's right. Hey, can you fix my TV?"
I should have used my defense and said I'm a telemarketer or something. It's the only profession where people don't need your assistance in anything. Also, asking a software engineer to fix your TV is like asking a dentist to do an eye test. But, okay, challenge me.
Woman: "See... my TV, it has menu, and I can't get the info."
...you lost me.
Woman: "You know the menu? And the info?"
Me: "You mean the TV guide?"
Woman: "YES! The TV guide! See, George, he's good."
Yes, understanding such technical terms such as "TV Guide" makes me the TV master.
Woman: "See, I don't know how to get the guide to work."
Me: "Do you have COX?"
Woman: "Yes."
Thankfully you knew what I meant and didn't assume I was insulting your womanhood. For those of you who are unaware, COX is an American ISP. I think Gravekeeper actually mentioned it and made fun of its name once.
Me: "If you want, I could look at it."
George: "You mean now?!"
Me: "Well..."
Woman: "Yes! Now!"
Me: "Okay..."
George: "I'm George, by the way."
You know, I'm tempted to introduce myself with a completely different name every time you do that, just to see if you catch on.
...alright, so I can see your TV in the living room is definitely connected to the box, but the box isn't giving the TV any signal... well, that concludes my extensive troubleshooting. You're going to have to call COX.
Woman: "Can you check the bedroom? That has a different problem. I can't get to the menu-- the guide-- with the info."
Me: "Alright, sure... so you've never got the guide to work?"
Woman: "NEVER."
My laundry is getting musty at this point. So let me see what's going on with your guide... ah, it's a rookie mistake.
Me: "See, you need to press 'cable' and THEN 'guide'"
Woman: "Cable... then guide... cable... then guide..."
You might want to write this down. It worked for someone else I knew... wait a second... I see something is already recording on this TV... you DID work the guide at one point! Why did you say never?
George: "Hey, we should pay you!" [starts leafing through cash in his pocket]
Me: "Oh, please, don't worry about it."
George: "But you fixed our TVs!"
Me: "Actually, I only showed you how to operate one, the other is still broken."
George: "Oh."
You should be thankful I'm honest, and I don't take money from drunks. By the way there's a LOT of cash in your pocket, and it looked like you were going to give me a hundred dollars for pressing two buttons on a remote.
Me: "Alright, well I've got to get my laundry done."
George: "Alright, well, it's good to meet you. I'm George."
Me: "Yes, I'm... TheHuckster."
I was tempted to say George or Eric, but I'm too nice.
Woman: "Oh, I should introduce you to my sister... she's REALLY HOT. You'd like her *wink*"
Uh oh... the slurred way you said that gave me flashbacks to a drunk girl I had an encounter with who smoked in my face and started randomly screaming obscenities at the street. She isn't THAT girl, is she? In any case, I thought I told you I had a girlfriend.
George: "Have a good night. It's good to meet you."
Me: "Nice meeting you, too..."
I wonder if they'll remember this encounter when they wake up tomorrow morning.
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