I know I haven't posted about how things are going for awhile, it's seems like it's all gone so fast. I've been seeing my children every Saturday for an hour, and that's been amazing. I have a new love in my life, and though there is a small bit of distance between us and conflicting work schedules, we are very happy together. Career-wise, I have recently applied for a job with another branch of the state (Dept of Children and Families) as well as for a different position at the prison to further my career.
Things have been going great, overall. Yet the rift between my family and I continues to grow. At this point I'm just waiting for it to separate us forever. And after recent events, I can't honestly say that is something that would sadden me.
3 weeks ago, my mother called me and more or less told me I was coming up for my dad and sister's birthday dinner. Not that I don't love my dad and sister, but I had been making other plans. But I decided I'd be a good daughter and sacrifice what I wanted to do and make an appearance. Then I spent the next few days stressing out because I hadn't seen my father in awhile and I just knew there would be a fight. Because he had once insisted that I not bring certain aspects of who I am into his home. As I thought about it, I could only see 3 options. I could just not go, and get to hear about how I didn't love my family enough to show. I could go and hear about how I disrespected my father and didn't honor his wishes. Or I could compromise my own identity and integrity and wear a hat or something to hide the way my hair looks now.
In the end, I decided I would go and not try to look different than I do any other day. Besides, I saw my children before driving up to see my family and I felt it was important that my appearance be consistent while we get reacquainted, as I had only seen them twice before that day. My father did something I didn't expect. He simply ignored me the entire time I was there. He asked me how my fridge was working (as he and my mother had bought me a new one when my old one died in September), and he thanked me for his gift, but he didn't directly say anything else to me. I was fine with that, actually. I'd rather be ignored than fight. My mother commented that my hair looked different (she'd never seen me with a ponytail before), but we had no arguments at all. She even took me for a ride in her new car and didn't ambush me when we were alone with one of her "we need to talk" spiels. We even had a few moments where I thought we bonded.
Of course, I was wrong about my mother. A week later, I was talking to my sister and telling her how proud of mom I was and she told me about a few comments my mother had made to her after I left. The one that angered me the most was she said having a girlfriend is good for me. Because Beki will "fix" me. I spent almost 10 years with someone who tried to "fix" what she perceived was "wrong" with me, and it almost fucking killed me. And here's my loving mother saying that someone like that is what I need. That was when I gave up hoping my parents will EVER accept me the way I am. I still love them, I won't shut them out of my life, but I'm done thinking they can ever get over themselves and love the daughter I grew up to be.
Then there was yesterday. My dad has been working in Oklahoma for my uncle's oil company. On weekends he goes up to see my mother or she drives down to see him. She's spending the weekend with him and wanted to bring some candy for the kids. So at least it would be a short visit. The very first thing she said to me was, "What did you do to your HAIR?" We actually got a bonus this year, and I wanted to do something for myself so I got highlights done, and they look amazing. And that was after the last time I saw my mother. I said, "What, you don't like it?" She said, "I like it better the way it used to look." The next thing she did was motion to my outfit (a blue blouse with a blue patterned light scarf and jeans) and say, "And you like looking like..... THAT?" I said, "Yes, actually. I like it very much. What's wrong with how I look?" She said, "It's just not you." So now it was time to argue. Again.
She went back to every single fucking argument I've heard before and she hadn't tried using in several months. This isn't really me, this is a phase, I'm damaging my children, what would I do if one of my kids turned out like me, what if her or my dad had been like this, what was she supposed to tell people when they asked about me, why can't I at least "tone it down" around family, people are laughing behind my back. All the classics. And she tried a few new ones.
She said, "You used to hate wearing stripes because you didn't want to look preppy." Seriously? Preppy? Further proof that my mother still sees me as a pre-teen. I said, "I'm not wearing stripes, what are you even talking about?" She motioned to my scarf. I said, "It's not preppy, it's adorable and since this is the last warm day we're going to have this year, it's my last chance to wear this scarf." She made a comment about how I used to want to wear t-shirts and sweats and now all this. I never wanted to wear sweats all the time, we were nearly flat broke when I was 11 and I knew that was what they could afford. Oh, and "How did you get the money for all these new clothes, anyway?" I said, "The same way I always buy clothes. A little at a time. It's not like I went out and bought an entire wardrobe in one day."
She told me I need to "tone down" my look. That I don't need to "flaunt" myself by wearing makeup and doing my nails. And I need to trim my nails too, they're too long. I said I'm not "flaunting" and she insisted I am. Then she tried to tell me I don't look happy anymore, that I looked happy "before." I said I'm happier than I've ever been in my life and she said it doesn't show. I told her one of these days I will show her all the pictures I've taken of myself the past 18 months. I told her I smile now and asked when the last time was she saw me smile in a picture. She said, "Not since you were very little." I said that's right, because I hated seeing myself and now I don't. I love who I am and I'm happy with myself for the first time in my life.
At one point she said, "It feels like dealing with a death." I said, "Yes. It is exactly like a death. It's a death and rebirth, and grieving that loss is part of it." She asked what she's supposed to tell people, that I died and now I'm a girl? I said she can tell people whatever she is comfortable telling them, it's not my place to tell her what to say to others.
Finally she said the thing that hurt me the most, the thing that has had me in tears several times since yesterday. She has become only the second person who has ever cut me so deeply with her words. She sighed and said, "I just wish I knew what went wrong." I said there is nothing wrong with me, and she tried to gracefully recover and say, "No, I wonder what I did." She implied that I am a mistake, I am the result of something that occurred during her pregnancy with me that went "wrong." Yeah, that's totally different than saying something is wrong with me.
So I hit her with a dose of reality. I told her that there are many people in my life who love me for me. That I have a woman who loves me for who I am and doesn't want me to change. I said, "Do you know what I am to Beki? I am her girlfriend. She's bi, she likes men and women. Just like I do. And we are 2 women in love and she is completely happy with that." All my mom could say was, "Well, I won't say anything about that."
That was pretty much the end of it. I was more or less done talking to her after the implication that something was wrong with me. She said she loves me. I don't believe that anymore. I believe she and my father love their memory of a child and their hopes for that child. They love the idea of who they think I'm supposed to be, they do not and probably cannot love who I am.
I love my family. I almost wish I didn't. If I could walk away, if I could just not care what they think, if I didn't crave their acceptance, it would be easier. I would save myself so much pain and heartbreak.
Overall life has been pretty good to me lately. Yet despite all the blessings, I just spent the last 2 days nursing more inner pain than I've felt in quite awhile, wiping away tears that keep trying to flow. I haven't been brought this low in awhile. Thanks, mom. Love you too.
Things have been going great, overall. Yet the rift between my family and I continues to grow. At this point I'm just waiting for it to separate us forever. And after recent events, I can't honestly say that is something that would sadden me.
3 weeks ago, my mother called me and more or less told me I was coming up for my dad and sister's birthday dinner. Not that I don't love my dad and sister, but I had been making other plans. But I decided I'd be a good daughter and sacrifice what I wanted to do and make an appearance. Then I spent the next few days stressing out because I hadn't seen my father in awhile and I just knew there would be a fight. Because he had once insisted that I not bring certain aspects of who I am into his home. As I thought about it, I could only see 3 options. I could just not go, and get to hear about how I didn't love my family enough to show. I could go and hear about how I disrespected my father and didn't honor his wishes. Or I could compromise my own identity and integrity and wear a hat or something to hide the way my hair looks now.
In the end, I decided I would go and not try to look different than I do any other day. Besides, I saw my children before driving up to see my family and I felt it was important that my appearance be consistent while we get reacquainted, as I had only seen them twice before that day. My father did something I didn't expect. He simply ignored me the entire time I was there. He asked me how my fridge was working (as he and my mother had bought me a new one when my old one died in September), and he thanked me for his gift, but he didn't directly say anything else to me. I was fine with that, actually. I'd rather be ignored than fight. My mother commented that my hair looked different (she'd never seen me with a ponytail before), but we had no arguments at all. She even took me for a ride in her new car and didn't ambush me when we were alone with one of her "we need to talk" spiels. We even had a few moments where I thought we bonded.
Of course, I was wrong about my mother. A week later, I was talking to my sister and telling her how proud of mom I was and she told me about a few comments my mother had made to her after I left. The one that angered me the most was she said having a girlfriend is good for me. Because Beki will "fix" me. I spent almost 10 years with someone who tried to "fix" what she perceived was "wrong" with me, and it almost fucking killed me. And here's my loving mother saying that someone like that is what I need. That was when I gave up hoping my parents will EVER accept me the way I am. I still love them, I won't shut them out of my life, but I'm done thinking they can ever get over themselves and love the daughter I grew up to be.
Then there was yesterday. My dad has been working in Oklahoma for my uncle's oil company. On weekends he goes up to see my mother or she drives down to see him. She's spending the weekend with him and wanted to bring some candy for the kids. So at least it would be a short visit. The very first thing she said to me was, "What did you do to your HAIR?" We actually got a bonus this year, and I wanted to do something for myself so I got highlights done, and they look amazing. And that was after the last time I saw my mother. I said, "What, you don't like it?" She said, "I like it better the way it used to look." The next thing she did was motion to my outfit (a blue blouse with a blue patterned light scarf and jeans) and say, "And you like looking like..... THAT?" I said, "Yes, actually. I like it very much. What's wrong with how I look?" She said, "It's just not you." So now it was time to argue. Again.
She went back to every single fucking argument I've heard before and she hadn't tried using in several months. This isn't really me, this is a phase, I'm damaging my children, what would I do if one of my kids turned out like me, what if her or my dad had been like this, what was she supposed to tell people when they asked about me, why can't I at least "tone it down" around family, people are laughing behind my back. All the classics. And she tried a few new ones.
She said, "You used to hate wearing stripes because you didn't want to look preppy." Seriously? Preppy? Further proof that my mother still sees me as a pre-teen. I said, "I'm not wearing stripes, what are you even talking about?" She motioned to my scarf. I said, "It's not preppy, it's adorable and since this is the last warm day we're going to have this year, it's my last chance to wear this scarf." She made a comment about how I used to want to wear t-shirts and sweats and now all this. I never wanted to wear sweats all the time, we were nearly flat broke when I was 11 and I knew that was what they could afford. Oh, and "How did you get the money for all these new clothes, anyway?" I said, "The same way I always buy clothes. A little at a time. It's not like I went out and bought an entire wardrobe in one day."
She told me I need to "tone down" my look. That I don't need to "flaunt" myself by wearing makeup and doing my nails. And I need to trim my nails too, they're too long. I said I'm not "flaunting" and she insisted I am. Then she tried to tell me I don't look happy anymore, that I looked happy "before." I said I'm happier than I've ever been in my life and she said it doesn't show. I told her one of these days I will show her all the pictures I've taken of myself the past 18 months. I told her I smile now and asked when the last time was she saw me smile in a picture. She said, "Not since you were very little." I said that's right, because I hated seeing myself and now I don't. I love who I am and I'm happy with myself for the first time in my life.
At one point she said, "It feels like dealing with a death." I said, "Yes. It is exactly like a death. It's a death and rebirth, and grieving that loss is part of it." She asked what she's supposed to tell people, that I died and now I'm a girl? I said she can tell people whatever she is comfortable telling them, it's not my place to tell her what to say to others.
Finally she said the thing that hurt me the most, the thing that has had me in tears several times since yesterday. She has become only the second person who has ever cut me so deeply with her words. She sighed and said, "I just wish I knew what went wrong." I said there is nothing wrong with me, and she tried to gracefully recover and say, "No, I wonder what I did." She implied that I am a mistake, I am the result of something that occurred during her pregnancy with me that went "wrong." Yeah, that's totally different than saying something is wrong with me.
So I hit her with a dose of reality. I told her that there are many people in my life who love me for me. That I have a woman who loves me for who I am and doesn't want me to change. I said, "Do you know what I am to Beki? I am her girlfriend. She's bi, she likes men and women. Just like I do. And we are 2 women in love and she is completely happy with that." All my mom could say was, "Well, I won't say anything about that."
That was pretty much the end of it. I was more or less done talking to her after the implication that something was wrong with me. She said she loves me. I don't believe that anymore. I believe she and my father love their memory of a child and their hopes for that child. They love the idea of who they think I'm supposed to be, they do not and probably cannot love who I am.
I love my family. I almost wish I didn't. If I could walk away, if I could just not care what they think, if I didn't crave their acceptance, it would be easier. I would save myself so much pain and heartbreak.
Overall life has been pretty good to me lately. Yet despite all the blessings, I just spent the last 2 days nursing more inner pain than I've felt in quite awhile, wiping away tears that keep trying to flow. I haven't been brought this low in awhile. Thanks, mom. Love you too.
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