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So here I sit, ready to end a friendship.

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  • So here I sit, ready to end a friendship.

    My finger on the send button, ready to send an email that will probably end the best friendship I ever had. 7 years I've been this guy's friend. I was there when his wife died, when his sister died, when he thought he had cancer. I've been there for him. I always told him he could talk to me about anything and he did. He was the nicest man I have ever known and I've been proud to call him friend. He's on disability for being mildly schizophrenic but he didn't just sit back and let that be it after his wife died and he didnt' have to take care of her anymore he went out and got a job and now has a paper route three days a week. It doesn't sound like much but when stress gives him seizures or even just too many people talking at once it is a big deal. He was my best friend but then this friday night right in the middle of me working on my essay I get this:

    I won't be able to get together with you for gaming on Sundays anymore, for quite a while. I didn't want to have to write this, but I don't have a choice so here goes... For the last 9-12 months, when we've gotten together to game or hang out, after you've left to go home, I've been angry, annoyed, tired and fed up when you've left - not happy after spending a day with a friend.

    I don't know why this is - I like you, and I like your sense of humor - but lately spending time around you has been driving me fucking crazy, and I'm tired of being angry after seeing a person I consider a friend. If a visit is going to leave me like this for 6-8 hours after you leave, I've reached a point where I'd rather not have the visit.

    I hope you don't take this as an attack on yourself - I'm not sure if the problem rests with me or you - all I do know is that our visits lately haven't been Fun - which they should be. I'd like to still call you a friend, even if it does sound like I'm throwing you under the bus. I don't know what else to say - even writing this email was extremely difficult for me.

    I know I still have a bunch of your stuff - Dresden RPG, some computer books. If you want them returned, I'll make sure you get them - just tell me where/when/how I should get them to you. I'd still like to give you that set of Runebound dice - I know you'd like to have a spare set.

    I know this letter sounds strange and contradictory - I apologize. I just can't think of a better way to say what I needed to say.
    I respond saying I need some time to think, and honestly after thinking all weekend I'm read to send this:

    I still really don't what to say to you. first off I fail to see how not to interpret this as an attack on me. You say you can't stand to be around me, you don't to hang out for quite a while with nothing about time frame at all. Then you offer to arrange to return my stuff. So basically what you're saying is not you need a break but that you've decided you don't want to see me for a long time. You've given me no real reason why, no information what so ever. This email is basically just a punch to the face with no warning and no reason. We've been friends for 7 years at least. I not saying you owe me anything but I think I deserve better than this.

    Further if what you say here is true then you lied to me, after you guys asked me to change my behaviour for the game, and I did or at least tried to, you made a point of telling me that you were having fun multiple times. So if there really was a problem at that time then you lied to me. I really don't know where to go from here. A better way to say this stuff would have been to fucking talk to me. I thought I made it clear that you could talk to me about anything. I don't know what happens next but I'm not going to change, I am who I am and honestly if really comes down to us being done then man the fuck up and just say it.
    Oh well either I spend the next few days dwelling on it or I send this and try to actually finish my essay so I can begin the next bit of my giant homework pile.

    Here it goes, by the time you respond I'll probably have already hit send.
    Interviewer: What is your greatest weakness?
    Me: I expect competence from my coworkers.

  • #2
    Just saw this on another forum we both frequent. They made a good point and its one that came to mind for me.

    Are you sure its not his illness making this happen? i.e. its a particularly bad period compared to usual (I don't mean to offend, I'm not sure of the correct phrasing).

    Wether you want to ask him if he thinks it may be other factors before you send you reply? Try to discuss it and work stuff out? Ask to meet in person to talk if possible, because inflection and tone is pretty much impossible to carry out in an email.

    What I'm trying to say is 7 years is a long friendship, and it sounds like a strong one too, so don't risk loosing it when it could be saved.
    "On a scale of 1 to banana, whats your favourite colour of the alphabet?"
    Regards, Lord Baron Darth von Vaderham, esq. Middle brother to mharbourgirl & Squeaksmyalias

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    • #3
      You have stated that he is mildly schizophrenic. This is a serious mental disorder, and may be the reason for this problem. Was he put on some new medication? In the last 9-12 months was there a significant change in his circumstances (remember, significant to him)?

      Yes, he may have lied to you, but from the tone of his e-mail, that might not be the case. At the time you were there, he may very well have been having fun, but after you departed, something made him feel "angry, annoyed, tired and fed up". He may be trying to do exactly what you are asking him to do, which is talk about it. It's often difficult to discuss such matters with a friend, especially when you aren't sure what is going on.

      He seems to be trying to tell you that he wants to continue the friendship, and is afraid that that won't be possible if he continues to feel the way he does after you hang out. Is he seeing a mental health professional? Maybe he is discussing this with them to try and work out exactly what is wrong, and trying to remedy it, but until that happens, wants to avoid having these negative feelings about a friend. He may not even be able to properly articulate what he's trying to say, and that's why it came across as offensive (hence the "contradictory" nature of his e-mail).

      He also is trying to be considerate by returning your property, not knowing exactly how long this situation will continue, and even giving you something he knows you would like to have.

      I would recommend that you re-read the e-mail with the above in mind. You know your friend better than I do. Yes, despite his situation, he is doing his best to be a productive member of society (much better than some perfectly healthy people we here at CS.com deal with on a daily basis), but that doesn't change the fact that he does have this disease, and that may be affecting him in a way he doesn't even realize, at least not completely.

      Hope this helps,

      SC
      "...four of his five wits went halting off, and now is the whole man governed with one..." W. Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing Act I, Sc I

      Do you like Shakespeare? Join us The Globe Theater!

      Comment


      • #4
        Well to be honest I do get what you guys are saying but like I said I'd already sent it. I had my sister look over it before even posting it here and she agreed with me. In hindsight I may have reworded it but most of what I said I believe I needed to say. I'm going to wait a few days for a response and then try to call him. I'm hoping that it gives him a push to call me in the end. I'm not mad at him but I can't just pretend nothing happened. Depression is an ugly monster and he's got a good amount of stuff to be depressed about. I should mention that he does not live on his own, there is a mutual friend that lives with him so I don't need to be concerned about anything drastic happening.

        And also he's not the only one with issues, I've learned how to fake it but honestly I've got a lot of issues myself and this was a truck hitting me emotionally.
        Interviewer: What is your greatest weakness?
        Me: I expect competence from my coworkers.

        Comment


        • #5
          I remember my best friend going through breast cancer and chemo. There was a time she was just fed up with me and threw me out of the house. After I moved 2000 miles from home to be with her. She treated me horribly and since the cancer went into remission has appologised to me and tried to make it up to me. Things aren't the same between us, but we're still friends. If his illness is working him over it could explain it. Things may never be the same, but it does sound like he wants to remain friends.

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          • #6
            Some people don't game well together. One of the guys in my gaming group has a friend who he used to game with, but their gaming styles became so radically different that finally our friend had to tell him, sternly and in no uncertain terms, that he would never, ever game with this person again. They are still friends but they never game together anymore and their friendship is stronger than ever.

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth gremcint View Post
              Well to be honest I do get what you guys are saying but like I said I'd already sent it. I had my sister look over it before even posting it here and she agreed with me. In hindsight I may have reworded it but most of what I said I believe I needed to say. I'm going to wait a few days for a response and then try to call him. I'm hoping that it gives him a push to call me in the end. I'm not mad at him but I can't just pretend nothing happened. Depression is an ugly monster and he's got a good amount of stuff to be depressed about. I should mention that he does not live on his own, there is a mutual friend that lives with him so I don't need to be concerned about anything drastic happening.

              And also he's not the only one with issues, I've learned how to fake it but honestly I've got a lot of issues myself and this was a truck hitting me emotionally.
              I've read what others have said about it possibly being related to his illnes, etc. And that may very well be the case. And yes, it's good to be able to make allowances for another's illness as much as you can. However, IMO, that doesn't mean you always put their needs before yours just because they have an illness.

              If someone you love has a mental problem and for some reason attacks you now and then physically, should you put up with that because it is the illness, not their "true" feelings causing it? Of course not.

              If this friend is causing you pain by how they are treating you, even if it is a result of an illness, you do not have an obligation of any sort to simply put up with it because they are ill. He has made the decision he does not want you in his life at the moment, and illness related or not, I don't see how this could not cause you pain, or how pushing to stay in his life would be good for either of you. It may not be PC, but I don't believe you have an obligation to chalk everything up to his illness, shrug it off, and keep putting up with it.

              At the end of the day, you are responsible for worrying about your own emotional well-being first and foremost, as he is responsible for his.

              Madness takes it's toll....
              Please have exact change ready.

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Merriweather View Post
                At the end of the day, you are responsible for worrying about your own emotional well-being first and foremost, as he is responsible for his.
                I have to agree with this. I had a friend who was using a lot of their friends in emotional blackmail and "you don't care about me" suicide attempts and in the end I just had to cut ties completely. Nothing I could do was helping - its not like my attention stopped them or made them feel more wanted. And it was dragging me down with them.

                Still trying to get my confidence back after that.
                I am so SO glad I was not present for this. There would have been an unpleasant duct tape incident. - Joi

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                • #9
                  He called last night and we spoke for quite a while. We are taking a break for a while but we will be good. Honestly my email inspired him to call me so it had the right result.

                  I'm not going over the details of the conversation because it's private.
                  Interviewer: What is your greatest weakness?
                  Me: I expect competence from my coworkers.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I'm glad to hear that you were able to reach a consensus that sounds like it was less upsetting than the message exchange.

                    ^-.-^
                    Faith is about what you do. It's about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. It's about making sacrifices for the good of others. - Dresden

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                    • #11
                      I'm glad the lines of communication have been opened.

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