Moving Out

[customersruinmylife]

I moved back in with my parents four years ago. It was only meant to be a temporary thing while I got myself back on my feet after my personal life spiraled out of control. Four years later and I'm still there. Before moving back in I had been living away from home for nearly five years, so it was pretty tough deciding to go back. Luckily they haven't tread on my toes too much.

A co-worker and one of my best friends has asked me to house share with him. His mother is moving away, but she is literally giving him the house. It is paid for so all we have to worry about are the bills. I've worked it out and I will actually be paying LESS than if I was to stay with my parents, as I pay them rent. Plus there's the independence thing etc etc. Oh, and he wants me to move in in two weeks. It's a huge four bedroom house and I get first pick as he can't be bothered to move out his own room into one of the bigger ones!

Now I just need to tell the parents. I'm waiting until co-worker and I have had a proper sit down discussion about this and worked out details regarding bills and stuff to tell them. I'm actually dreading because I know for a fact that it is going to get a negative reaction. The last time I discussed the possibility of moving out a few months ago I got an hour long lecture on "You tried moving out before and you had to come back, so it's pointless wasting your money and trying again!" I love my parents to bits, but they are ridiculously overprotective.

Anyone got any advice on how I should break the news?

[crazylegs]

Just straight out tell them.

They know you're an adult and you'll be moving out eventually so it'll be no suprise.

[BookstoreEscapee]

"Mom, Dad, I'm moving out."

They can't expect you to live there forever. I moved out at 25 and then back in a year later and it took me another several years to move back out again. It's been 5 years and I don't plan to ever go back. If they bring up the fact that you had to move back in remind them that the circumstances that led to your moving back in are no longer relevant.

[customersruinmylife]

Thanks for the advice. I stupidly asked my brother for advice. He lives with my aunt three hours away while he studies and is two years older than me. I got a disapproving sigh and has started trying to poke holes like "Yes, it will be less expensive, but remember you will need to buy things like...ummm...soap...and...washing up powder and...plates..." He didn't like it when I pointed out that the money I would be saving would be spent on those things.

My last housemate before I moved home was the worst. And I mean the worst. I'm talking Fatal Attraction bad. When I moved home I vowed that I would only move out when I could afford to live completely by myself. It doesn't look as though that's going to happen any time soon.

[yeahwhatev]

The thing you need to focus on, is making it a family activity, rather than you leaving the nest. Ask your father "Dad, I have a potential to move out. Considering what I did wrong the last time, what do I do THIS time, to stay solvent??" "Mom.. I'm thinking of moving out, so I can get on with my life and perhaps get a stable girlfriend rather than the last idiot I had to run away from.. What do I need to have in my house to attract a SANE woman??"

IMHE, people want control. Parents especially. If you say "I am done leaching off you and will leave you behind!!" They point out obvious flaws and minor kvetches.. ad nauseum. If you include them in the process, they feel justified in raising you, and included in your life. Be nice. Ask for help, even if you don't need it. You have the control, they just need to feel secure.

[Kheldarson]

I'd also add, since there were obviously issues that caused you to move back home in the first place, you might emphasize why this time is different.

Like: Yes, rent is expensive, but we're only splitting bills. That means I'll spend less than what I currently contribute here so I can save up more. Or: We've got a leasing contract/agreement all written up so we're both protected. Or it's a safer neighborhood, etc.

You're still your parents' child. They still worry about you, I'm sure.

[customersruinmylife]

Thanks for the advice guys. I've decided I'm just going to straight up tell them once I've got all the details and everything is a million percent sorted and confirmed, so then all I have to do is pack up and go. Yes it may be a bit of a shock but it's the best way so that they don't get any time to poke holes to dent my confidence. Also, my dad told me today at our lovely Easter Sunday dinner that he was hiking up my rent as I seem to have it too easy when compared to my brother (my brother is unemployed and never puts any effort into looking for a job)

I do love my parents, but there are just far too many irritants living with them at the minute, especially for a 27 year old. They threatened to ground me a few months ago.

[Akasa]

Also, my dad told me today at our lovely Easter Sunday dinner that he was hiking up my rent as I seem to have it too easy when compared to my brother (my brother is unemployed and never puts any effort into looking for a job)

I do love my parents, but there are just far too many irritants living with them at the minute, especially for a 27 year old. They threatened to ground me a few months ago.

Ample reason to move out.

[Gizmo]

I agree - they've given you reason to move out!

[iradney]

Make sure you and housemate have something in writing regarding bill payments, financial responsibilities etc etc. Don't take anything for granted.

[MoonCat]

I second iradney's comment. We had a family friend, R, who moved out of state to room with another woman she knew through writing letters. They got along fabulously on paper, but they drove each other crazy living in the same house. The woman turned out to have a cruel streak; when R moved out and couldn't take all of her stuff with her right away, the woman threw it all out, including handmade gifts that R had received from other friends.

Long story short, be sure you and your friend can stand living in the same house and you have similar or at least complimentary ideas on how to run a household.

[KhirasHY]

Going to third iradney here, you may even want to talk to your friend in terms of getting a semi-lease written out so you're both on the same page as far as money goes. This also gives you some protection: if you have a lease, he can't simply throw you out with no warning if things go bad, and you can have time to find a new apartment instead of moving back in with the parents.

On to them, internet therapist time, they are being entirely too controlling and domineering in this case. Trying to scare you away from moving out like they have is unreasonable behavior, so you should be less concerned with their reaction (they'll overreact anyway) and more concerned with your personal matters. Also, if you're going to be living there for little/no rent, excepting bills, do yourself a favor and save up as much cash as you can for a rainy day. Don't let anyone talk you out of the matter, and simply try to be a good and accommodating roommate (ie, help around the house, communicate any concerns with your friend, and so on) instead of falling into the usual traps and you should be fine.

Good luck, glad to hear you got such a good opportunity! Enjoy!

[sms001]

From the "proper sit down discussion" and "million percent sorted" (That's a lotta percent! ) I think you have the new roommate end covered. I really like Kheldarson's idea of including/enpowering the folks in the move. Or you could do what I did at seventeen - show up at the house with two friends and a pickup and be gone in an hour. nah, too bridge burny.

Good luck however you handle it Crml!

[customersruinmylife]

Thanks for the advice guys. I've got a feeling that my brother has called my parents and informed them of my plans, because for some reason they are being even more intolerable than usual. Lots of passive aggressive comments about me spending time out the house. Also, a DVD boxset arrived for me and was met with "Oh...for someone who complained about wanting to move out a few months ago, you sure do spend a lot on DVDs!" It was the first boxset I had bought this year.

I believe that me and CW will get along just fine. We practically lived together last summer. He would frequently let me crash at his place to save me spending taxi money getting home after a shift at the pub or when we went out for a beer. I have asked that we have one major house rule, and that is that we are honest with each other. No passive aggressive notes, no complaining about each other to other people. If we have an issue, nip it in the bud and sort it right away. I have house shared with a lot of people, and nothing kills friendships faster than being passive aggressive in your household.

We still haven't been able to have our proper discussion yet though, so I will bring up things like leases etc when I see him. I haven't worked at the pub in ages (my choice, not theirs) so we've never been free at the same time.

[Seraph]

\Also, a DVD boxset arrived for me and was met with "Oh...for someone who complained about wanting to move out a few months ago, you sure do spend a lot on DVDs!" It was the first boxset I had bought this year.

Heads up, that won't stop even after you move out. I still hear that from my mother any time I do the rare event of "buying a small item for Seraph". Last month I picked up Fire Emblem, and I've been hearing it since, about how I'm a terrible person for buying a video game during this tough time.

Lady, I preordered the sucker. Bite me, I paid for this months back, BEFORE everything hit the fan. And really, it's one of the few bits of joy I have right now.