When Do You Get Over...

[blas]

Being left for someone else, or cheated on?

It's not the first time it's happened to me, but it's the first time it happened to me as a real adult, not as a teen dating or a young adult in the bar scene.

This is the first time, as a real big grown up girl, this has happened.

Granted, I felt something was coming so I dumped him before he could do it to me (don't ask how, I don't know how that timing happened so right, and I only heard about the planning to leave me for his ex wife from a friend).....but I still feel embarrassed.

Yes. I feel embarrassed. I'm humiliated. Even though I stopped a whole new level of it from happening, I feel like an idiot. My biggest fear came true. And now everyone in the world knows I wasn't wanted.

How does one get over this?

[Gravekeeper]

Ugh, yeah there's no real quick fix there. Short answer: Time. Long answer: Time and Haagen Daas. Though I would say the most important part is to make sure you keep all the shit in his corner. Don't blame yourself for any aspect of it. Otherwise you'll never really get past it.

[blas]

I prefer Ben and Jerry.

It's been a tradition anyway, to have a pint a week.

Girl time would be great, if we didn't have to work all 12 hour shifts so many damn days in a row and my friend could actually leave her house. But, I'm willing to drive out into the godforsaken deer infested Bigfoot inhabited woods and farms to see her. At least I can hold her baby and feel something warm and new and babies always seem to make me feel like I can hope for something. Not a baby, necessarily, they just bring a natural feeling of hope. Even when he's headbutting me.

[Caffienated_Caramel]

I haven't been cheated on as an adult but the feeling of being left for someone else hurts like someone shoved your heart in a vice and stabbed it with a knife wrapped in red hot barb wire.

I don't have much advice to give on this particular subject but hugs and of course pints of Ben and Jerry's. BnJ fan right here.

Is there something you like doing that you can indulge in to get your mind off him?

I like to play video games, watch really funny videos or spoil myself and get my fav foods. Like BnJ, sushi and pizza to get my mind off something that's depressing me.

[DaisyQueen]

My husband left me 2.5 years ago. It's so cliche but honestly time is the best healer. I also dove back into hobbies I hadn't kept up with while we were married, like jigsaw puzzles. There are few things so satisfying (except eating alot of fatty comfort foods which ALWAYS makes me feel better) than figuring out a 1000 piece puzzle by yourself and then looking at it and saying "I did this. ME! I! All by myself! Conquered this puzzle!" Sounds really dumb but it worked surprisingly well.
Also when I was alone I imagined him sitting in front of me and screamed at him until I felt better. I got to say all the things I'd been itching to say but didn't for the sake of our child. Even though he never heard the words, I said them out loud and it was such a cathartic release.
So short answer: comfort food. friends. hobbies-new or old. Long answer: time.
I'm sending virtual hugs and double chocolate chip cookies!

[TheSHAD0W]

"Time", IMO, isn't the correct answer, although it's related. Living life and new experiences are what does it, layering over and dimming the bad memories. There are people who've retreated into near-catatonia for whom time doesn't help at all.

So go out, have fun with your friends or find new ones, and live.

[Moirae]

I don't have any absolute proof but the girls phone numbers in my first husbands pockets and the girls hanging up on me when I answered the phone, plus him always coming home late and ignoring me when he was home was pretty good evidence for me that he cheated.

How do you get over it? Time. And really, you never really do. My suggestion is that you never ever tolerate it from anyone. And make sure whoever you're with from now on knows that.

[blas]

Well, see, thing is, I broke up with him. But he was going to break up with me and go back to his ex wife.

So I might have came out ahead, but I don't feel it. I feel just as stupid and embarrassed that for God knows how long he was planning to do this to me.

[MoonCat]

If he was already planning to leave, that's on HIM. He went back to his ex...means he has issues there, which again is not about you. It sounds like he was very good at lying, not just to you, but to himself.

It might help if you wrote out everything you're feeling. Don't hold back. Write it as though you're writing a letter to him, be blunt, be honest, invent new swear words if it helps. BUT - don't send it. When you're done, tear it up and burn it. And like the others said, live your life, live it for YOU. It's his loss.

[Fudgethatkay]

You're more intelligent and stronger than me. I've been ignored, cheated on, and/or abused in a lot of my relationships. Good on you for beating him to it.

It hurts, but remember, he is the scumbag

[Bandit]

Blas - you never really do, but time does make it hurt less.

When my ex-wife left me for her girlfriend, I was gutted.

I figured that best thing I could do to get back at her was to live well and get on with my life and do more things that I ever could have.

That worked.

Do I miss her sometimes after 19 years together? Yes.
Do I ever want her back? NEVER!

Even being unemployed right now, I'm doing better than I was with her.

B

[blas]

You're more intelligent and stronger than me. I've been ignored, cheated on, and/or abused in a lot of my relationships. Good on you for beating him to it.

Oh, no no no. Please don't talk that way. That does not mean you were ever weak at all or stupid. At all.

And believe you me, if you read my other post from recently in here, I wasn't always being as bright as I could be. For nearly a year, he dwelled on his ex wife (and for a bit, the last gf before me as well), he put his phone games and liking/sharing pictures/memes on FB ahead of me, and only really wanted my attention if I was naked or bent over or talking about him.

It was only about a few months ago I started getting downright bitchy and almost demanding with him, but in my mind, I was standing up for myself, saying that a normal boyfriend keeps in touch with his gf and doesn't always have to talk to his ex wife, that a good boyfriend LIKES to cuddle and hold hands, etc etc. He'd try for a few days or weeks but always get comfy again and go back to the way it was. It's the way he got used to and wanted it.

So in essence, I probably did shove him right back to her, because she's a very needy girl and he's used to women who don't make their own way. I think he needs to be needed, not just wanted. Well, my NEED for a man involves love, attention, and affection, not him to pay my bills for me. For a while, I did pretty much fall all over him and do anything for his attention similar to her and probably others, but I got tough and myself again, and he didn't like Bitch Blas.

So fuck him. Up the ass. With a big old cactus.

[mathnerd]

You are not defined by the choices of those around you. You are defined by your choices alone. It might have taken you a while, but you chose to put your health and well being above the desires of a person who was using you. And yes, only wanting you when you're "naked or bent over" is absolutely using you. You made a choice. You determined that you were worth more than that. You made the choice to demand the respect you deserved. You took the actions necessary to make sure you you got that respect. By dumping him you stood up and shouted to the world "I will not tolerate being treated badly by anybody!" You should be proud of yourself, not embarrassed or humiliated.

Of course, that doesn't take away the hurt of having a relationship end, even if that relationship wasn't good for you. There was a time when things were good. Of course you're going to remember those time and all the hopes and dreams you had back then. It's okay to mourn the loss of those hopes and dreams, but just remember that there are new hopes and dreams waiting for you when you're ready to embrace them. Maybe it's with another man, or maybe you'll embrace the single life for a while. Who knows, but new adventures are waiting. Remind yourself how awesome you are and go find those adventures!

[taxguykarl]

I agree with Bandit, you never completely get over that. Yes time and moving on with your life heals even that wound; however, a quicker and better one is to find someone even better who makes you question why you were in a realtion with the cheater in the first place.

[csquared]

First off you need to realize that you are not stupid and have nothing to be embarrassed about. You took the high road and held yourself to a higher standard.

Now go out and get the best revenge you can - live a better life. Go find someone cuter, richer, more intelligent and better mannered.