Get out the 2x4s...(major issues, possibly nsfw)

[Tama]

I live in Virginia, near a famous Christian college in the northwest section, so you're probably too far away. Still, the thoughts are...very much appreciated.

I probably shouldn't text you or call you (too much risk of them seeing), but PMs and here is pretty good. Al never reads this site.

Also, did the math. If I'm correct about the cab rates, the bill to get there would be about $11. I'm going to assume $15 just for margin of error's sake. I always way overestimate what something will cost so I end up having more.

[Aethian]

I probably shouldn't text you or call you (too much risk of them seeing), but PMs and here is pretty good. Al never reads this site.

Also, did the math. If I'm correct about the cab rates, the bill to get there would be about $11. I'm going to assume $15 just for margin of error's sake. I always way overestimate what something will cost so I end up having more.

Yup just a bit away...couple day drive for me.

IM's can also be used as well, if needed.

Over estimating is a smart thing to do. When you are on your own a budget will be a big must. You need to make sure that you have funds for anything plus, if you can, a bit you can just blow on yourself. But thats a few steps down the road.

[Teefies2]

late to this thread, but I'm in North Carolina, which is just a hop skip and a jump from Virgina. I can SO relate to your situation. I have to tell you .... RUN NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it feels like you have no other options, but you do. There are many people here who would help you if possible, including me.

I did not run away at the first signs of emotional/financial abuse, and I am now still paying for his use of my bank account. To the tune of over $15,000, going on almost 10 years now (it's the interest which accumulates that kills ya). I would have lost my car too, if my mom hadn't lent me the money ---- which of course I will hear about for the rest of my life :/

PM me when you're ready to go. If I can help one other lady from going through what I have been through, it will be worth it.

[Gizmo]

Not all abuse is physical. And you do seem depressed and almost thinking you aren't worth anything or important enough to matter.

You are. You can manage this. Its hard to take the first steps but unless you do nothing will change to be better.

[Tama]

The funny thing is, I don't really feel that way. It's like a sense of super-apathy, where I don't feel much at all, more listless than anything. When I do something (say, not knock on the bathroom door because I've done so already and I might upset the sister who's in there at the moment), it's usually because I "know" I should rather than being scared to -- IE it's consequence focused, x will probably happen if I do y. I think it's because I've had to lock away/choke back a lot of things I'd like to say to her or Al or whoever, and I've trained myself to say nothing. I'm able to throttle comebacks completely with her.

There have been good days lately, where I feel great up until I note IMVU being up again (at this point it's one big trigger, even seeing it I get depressed) or I say something I think's innocent and the sister gets extremely upset. These days, since she has a current boyfriend (and a stalker she refuses to tell to f*** off), she seems to be calmer, but I still don't like wondering if I'm talking to S(c?)ybil or the nice girl.

Another part of my reluctance is that -- Al is my first "real" boyfriend. I had someone a couple years ago that (sadly) I let buy me things but he had a stalkerish feel to him, so I never let it get too far. I still feel guilty over that. Aside from that Al's told me many times that I'm the only good thing he's been "allowed" to have. (IE...we end up selling a lot of our electronics, or pawn loaning them to pay bills, etc) I really am afraid of what might happen if I leave. But as you've pointed out, it's toxic and the chances are minuscule that things will change. He wants to change in some ways (get a car, etc) but the fact is money is too tight for ANYTHING to happen. The car going dead would probably cripple us heavily (as it did for my job), though Al has a friend or two to bum rides from.

Although -- he HAS, once or twice when I talked of leaving, said (with the implication that it was due to his sister) that I should just tell him where I'm going, in the interest of knowing I'm ok, and I can explain to him so sister doesn't twist it and make him hate me. IE explain why you left, which wouldn't be hard, I suppose, but...

But I don't know.

I'm 23, I shouldn't be AGONIZING like this over something that is so clear to everyone else. Why don't I see that?

EDIT: Oh gosh that was a lot to get out!

[Gizmo]

You won't necessarily feel like "that" as such. Every time I've been hit by depression 'listness' and similar 'know I should' level stuff first before the real crash came. YMMV though.

And you will adjust to have "good days" - we are mentally built to realign to our reality. It is one of the reasons you do see so many domestic situations where from the outside its batshiat crazy to stay and yet they won't leave.

As for the agonising over something else every one else finds so clear - we all do that too. Its much easier to be able to say "step there next" than actually do it.

I'm not at my best so I'm not going to say anything more but I'm sure someone else will. *hugs*

[PepperElf]

There are days where I just sit and play Oblivion until I look up and notice that it's 6 or 7, and oh geez I should at least get some dishes done.

Slightly off topic but... this kinda sums me up on my bad days. Just substitute web surfing & Skyrim for Oblivion. (well kinda. I limit myself to weekends on skyrim lately cos i know how much i'd play it if i didn't limit myself)

[Tama]

It was Skyrim, but the massive fuckery glitches (Storn just standing there, Miraak fleeing instead of dying and the cheats not getting me his stuff) have caused me to be ticked off. Oblivion had glitches, but not in such crucial places, at least in my experience.

And Oblivion has extensive contact with Sheogorath. He can always make me smile, and since finding out his realm includes creativity, I've decided I like him.


I'm silly sometimes.

[Tama]

I've checked out a couple other job websites, but my main issue is...I've never worked in food service -- I've heard tons of horror stories about quotas and such...and there are (seemingly) tons of jobs open in food service.

But at least, if it was that bad, I would be making money. Miserable I could bear if I was making money, I think.

The 3 Wings place has the strangest application I've ever seen -- "If we gave you x amount of money for a 1 day party..." Sounds like a fun place though.

It's getting easier to take these steps, but...there's still the nagging feeling not to. There's no reason behind it but it's like being mentally grabbed and told DON'T.

I apologize if it seems as if I'm using this as a blog, but it is so nice to have people to talk to who don't tell me that there's nothing I can do, so making a fuss isn't going to do any good...yada yada. Checking out the YWCA -- I shouldn't be surprised, but there's a royal shitload of churches nearby.

Within several blocks (in three directions) of the YWCA I counted SIX churches on Google Maps. There's also several places that I might be able to apply for jobs at within good walking distance, though probably everyone there will have applied too. Still, it's a thought, and it would be easier on me than trying to bum a ride or catch the bus or something -- in the immediate future, that is, until I can manage to get a license.

Sigh. The only problem is finding a good time of day or week to leave after I get a little money together, or whatever. I'm expected to help with the sister's toddler, and if I just vanished during naptime I'd be sure to get...I know, I know, I really shouldn't be concerned about getting fried for it, because it's their issue. Still...

I'd like to stay engaged/dating Al, I really would, and I'm concerned what leaving might do to him, but...the last time I mentioned such a thing (IE, "Hey, I'd like to go to X college, but it seems like they require freshmen to live there on campus, I think this was early last year) he grumbled about it sounding like "You don't want to be here."

Another thing he brings up is that when I complain about things, he feels guilty and bad about himself because he "brought me here, and it's ruined my life."

If he could change a bit I'd be more than willing to stay in contact with him. But that would almost certainly mean contact with the sister, and...

AUGH.

A lot is pouring out because I have no one else to complain to. Thank you for listening!

[Seshat]

If he could change a bit I'd be more than willing to stay in contact with him. But that would almost certainly mean contact with the sister, and...

He will change only if and when HE is good and ready to; and not before. Not one second before. So if you're waiting for him to change; don't.

As for finding a good time to leave: I agree that you can't leave an infant on his/her own. But if you're left on your own during naptime, you can use that time to put what you need and want to take in a bag.

I recommend taking up Teefies' offer. She can help you find a place to go TO: if there are so many churches and YWCAs nearby, there's bound to be somewhere safe to stay while you get back on your feet. Most such places will also help you find an initial job and initial housing.

Tentative plan:
* The various members of this site who've been through it tell you what you need to pack.
* You arrange with Teefies for her to be there for you at/after the infant's naptime. (Assuming that's the only time you have any amount of time to yourself.) The two of you get your stuff into her car.
* The moment there's another adult around to look after the kid, you get into the car and go.
* You are now free.


Naturally, the plan will need some refinement: I've never been-there-done-that myself. But we have plenty of members who have. (Far too many!)
Pick their brains. Use their wisdom and experience. I KNOW that many (most? all?) of them are more than happy to help others get out.

[Tama]

If there's ANYONE around when I try to leave, I will undoubtedly not leave. That is a given -- the sister would start screaming, Al would start guilting, and even the mother would (a famous "I want to complain but do NOTHING to change things...admittedly she is in very poor health and has next to no contact with her other children) guilt. Very likely Al or The Sister would try to block me from leaving...heck, Al might even start shouting (a temper on him, knocks things over if he's severely pissed. Though with all the pressure on him [to make up money his sister sucks up], I can't blame him for having a little of that temper. I don't excuse ALL of it.)

I should clarify -- during naptime I am not alone with, let's call her Amy. Naptime is when the mother takes Amy back to her room, and they both nap, and I'm left alone in the living room with the television. The mother has a tendency to "try" to keep Amy in the back room but if she runs out she can't do much about it. (As you can tell, the sister leaves Amy in the care of her mother for, say, 90% of the time, and creates disciplinary issues by letting her have things she's already been told she can't have. She likes to squeal, she's been allowed to draw on the walls when she had crayons before, etc. If the Sister says the daughter can do something, even if the Mother doesn't like it, the Mother allows it. Then she complains to me. Today I refused to take part in complaining with her and she got PISSED..."Oh nevermind you don't want to hear this :/")

In all honesty, today I have had a weak series of moments. I didn't want to look at this board. I didn't want to acknowledge it. I was half-tempted to just try and delete it.

But then I started thinking about things again, and why it would be a good idea to leave. And how EASY it would be to disappear over to the YWCA (even though I've mentioned it recently). I just don't want to leave AL...it's been almost 3 years...but then again, he's only several years away from 30 and...I don't know. He's held back, in a way, but he seems too tired of the crap to do anything about it. He's a lot like me, really...only I'm 3 years younger.

Looking into the 3 Wings job, got to find some work references, but I should be able to do well on that.


I tried looking up bus schedules, as a 1 day pass is $4, but I can''t make head or tails of the poorly focused bus map. I'll try later...when I'm not up at quarter to 9.

[Caffienated_Caramel]

If they're trying to keep you from leaving, you could call the police for false imprisonment. Heck, i would. They have no right to hold you when you don't want to stay.

http://injury.findlaw.com/torts-and-...risonment.html

http://legal-dictionary.thefreedicti...e+Imprisonment

See if this applies just in case. You gotta get outta there. Sneak out in the middle of the night if you have to.

[Tama]

No, they're not trying to stop me leaving, but I'm sure that they WOULD if I tried to walk out while they were there.

[Seshat]

Okay. So walk out when they're not.

You said you're not alone with the child. In that case, you're NOT abandoning a child if you leave during naptime.

If you worry about the child's welfare, leave - and call child services while you're on the way to the YWCA.

If the bus routes issue is a problem, call the people who run the bus service and see if they have a website; or if they have a hardcopy of bus routes. Or maybe call the YWCA and see if they can help you get to them.

[Tama]

Sadly, it's the website I'm looking at. Looks like they scanned a copy of the route from 1930, the text is that badly labeled. I'll be heading that direction tomorrow to get something turned in to Social Services -- the direction near the bus company's main building -- so I'll see if I can get a proper map from then.

The reason I thought of the bus instead of, say, a cab, is because of the price. $2 in change I could easily save up. Heck, even $4...

I'll also call (or email, if I can't find a place where I won't be heard long enough to do so) the YWCA like you suggested.

I finally got the bus info to work on Google Maps, though, and they give the time to get there at 1 hour. That's great.



I never really thought I'd be this sort of person. I'm always the first one to tell someone to get out. I never thought it'd be me struggling like this to kick myself into gear.

It was much easier leaving my other family, I guess because it got physical. Then it was easy to justify leaving. I was ELATED when I left -- almost high, in a way, is how I would put it.

This one is different. This time it's not "easy", and I'm wondering what Al'll do if I leave, what if the Sister catches up with me, what if, if, if...

Add this to the fact that I would be moving to a place where I'd be basically "on my own." For the very first time.

There's been a good few days behind me. Seems like something's trying to see if I really want to leave, or if I'm just whining like the Mother does. I'm reminded of the one marriage site I read whose site owner recommends, when an unfaithful spouse ends the affair, they are to have lifetime NO CONTACT with their other person. If I could manage no contact I would be fine, I'm certain. Plan B, radio silence, whatever you want to call it.


Thank you for being as patient with me as you have been. Oddly, the more you all talk to me about it the more I want to do things to get out -- if I slack and don't read this board, then I tend to get lazy again. It is so easy to slip back into complacency. Prayers (from those of you who are religious), and good thoughts requested.