Where's the line here?

[JoitheArtist]

Bit of background: for most of my life, I have been single. I had two internet relationships in high school, and nothing after that for 12 years. The most significant of those two relationships was marked by emotional intensity (typical for 17-yr-olds), manipulation, and my boyfriend repeatedly cheating on me and begging for forgiveness. That relationship ended in me getting dumped very suddenly.

Present time: I'm in a long-distance relationship with a wonderful man I met over the internet. He's funny, smart, so perceptive it's a little scary sometimes, and kind. We're both very committed to being open and honest with each other.

The problem is, I am very insecure. I worry when we go for a day or two without a good chat (we live in drastically different time zones, so this is really to be expected.) I worry when he hasn't said anything "sweet" in a day or two. I constantly worry that I'm not doing enough, or that I'm being too clingy. He tells me not to worry, that I don't need to try to fix what isn't broken, etc.

What I'm trying to figure out is, where is the line between open communication about what I'm feeling/what obstacles I'm facing, and emotional manipulation? I never EVER want to manipulate anyone, and especially not him. I don't want him to feel obligated to change anything unless he actually wants to do it. Right now, the only way I feel I can be sure that he's acting freely is to keep quiet and say nothing. But that's not honest communication. I don't know what to do, and I don't want to burden him (he's facing a lot of stressful stuff himself right now.) Help!

[Kheldarson]

Just tell him?

Not in a "I need you to do this or else" way, but in a "I'd like it if you do X (text me something sweet, tell me how your day is, whatever it is you need) because it makes me feel Y (probably better, right?)" way.

You should always be able to tell your SO what you're feeling. And yes, I'm crap at it. Kabe and I sometimes go around in circles because I'm crap at it. It gets easier with time.

[Kittish]

Just tell him?
<snip>
It gets easier with time.

This. If actually managing to say it verbally is too much, sit down (before you talk to him) and write it out. This way you can fiddle with it til it sounds right. Then read it to him. Or copy/paste your text into an instant message. Or write out by hand and send it snail mail. Whatever works for you.

Sharing your insecurities and emotional needs and wants with your SO is NOT manipulation. Well, I suppose in a way it is, but it's a way in which all of us manipulate each other. We ask for what we need to be happy and feel secure, and our partners, wanting us to be happy and secure, give us what we ask for. It works the other way, too. What do you do for him that makes him happy? Is that wrong, or bad? No. Same thing.

Important bit here- notice I said ASK. If you don't ask for what you need, how is he gonna know? He can't read your mind (probably). Asking is not demanding. It takes effort to learn to ask. I'm still working on that bit with my partner.

[ArcticChicken]

I, too, say tell him. Not in a demanding kind of way, but in an informational one. "Sometimes when we haven't spoken for a while, or you haven't said anything sweet, I start to worry. I know it isn't rational, but I can't control it yet, so that's why I act like I do sometimes." as opposed to "We NEED to talk every day, you HAVE to tell me sweet things often."

[Seshat]

Where's the line?

The line is in who owns the emotion, and the responsibility to do something about it.

ArcticChicken expressed it perfectly: "I know it isn't rational, but I can't control it yet, and it's why I sometimes act like I do."

Her statement there reinforces that you know it's your emotion, your problem to ultimately solve. But it lets him know what's happening, and what he can do in the short term to help you with it.

[MoonCat]

Also, if you're worried about manipulating him....you probably aren't. Just a thought.

[Seshat]

Okay. Now my eyes will focus properly and my fingers are less tired; I can probably clarify what I meant up in my last post.

Take the situation you're in, Joi.

Situation:
You're feeling worried, unloved, un-tended-to. Whatever words you want to put to it.

Lazy way:
Bitch and complain at boyfriend for not giving you enough attention. Don't bother analyzing or trying to figure out WHY you're feeling the way you do.

Good way (also, the hard way. Also, the way you chose.):
- Figure out why you feel that way.
- Decide who owns the situation - is there a problem that's for both of you to solve? Is he genuinely not showing you love? Is he, perhaps, showing his love in a way you're not familiar with? Are you insecure for some reason and projecting that onto the relationship? Something else?
- Come up with a temporary solution. This may involve compromise, may involve a party who doesn't "own" the problem acting to bandaid it while the party who does tries to heal.
- Based on who owns the problem, work out a long term solution. This may involve help from inside - or outside - the relationship. This may involve waiting while more urgent problems are solved.

Joi: you chose the hard way, the way which creates a permanent solution, and which doesn't blame innocent parties. I applaud you, and I hope he recognises this fact.
If he has any sense, he'll love you even more for the way you've chosen to handle this problem.


Edit to add:
I just realised I have a perfect example for 'showing love in a way you don't recognise'.
My mother shows love by choosing to spend time with those she loves.
My father shows love by doing things and/or making things for those he loves.
For ages, Mum would wonder why Dad was 'always in the shed' or 'always fixing things' and not around to spend time with. And Dad would feel his work was unappreciated..... until they recognised how they each show love. Now they compromise. Sometimes Mum spends time with Dad in the shed. Sometimes Dad washes his hands and sits with Mum and they talk, or he plays with his grandkids with Mum in the room watching and laughing at their antics.