Entitled and Ungrateful Teenager Help

[Kisa]

I’m looking for advice on behalf of my mom who is struggling with a difficult situation. My younger sister, who I’ll call Cindy, has been getting very entitled and disrespectful recently. For example, near the end of last year her car crapped out. After a visit to the mechanic, she found out that it had several different things wrong with it so she decided to sell it and use her savings to buy a new car. Mom took a $2000 loan on her retirement fund and her $800 tax return and a family friend donated $2000 to buy her a car. Instead of finding a cheaper car and only spending a portion of mom/friend’s money, she spent every cent and offered a half-hearted “thanks” in return. Mom is actually on a really tight budget and is having a lot of trouble making ends meet, so this was VERY generous.
Often, she will make large meals at home and take them up to her work to feed her coworkers without asking mom if this is ok. By “large meals,” I mean several sandwiches, pots of pasta, salads, chicken nuggets, fries, and drinks to feed 4-6 people. Did I mention mom is struggling to make ends meet? And no, these coworkers do not do the same for her. She also does not pay rent, car insurance, gas, hair products, or offer to give mom money to help cover the shopping bill. The only things she pays for are her clothes. Mom does all this for her, yet gives attitude when asked to help around the house on occasion.
She also has a boyfriend who she stays out with until 5am or later. Considering that she would then complain when she had to wake up an hour later to take brother to school, mom told her to be home by 1am on days she has to take brother to school. She didn’t listen and continued to stay out late. Sometimes, she has stayed out past 6am and would get upset when mom called to make sure she was ok.
Yesterday, she called mom saying that she only had $17 in the bank and needs help paying for things. Mom said she would pay for her gas. Later that same day, mom asked her to pick up brother from school. She threw a fit and flat out refused saying she was too tired and she was going to bed. Mom tried and failed to find someone else, so she told Cindy that she had to. Now Cindy is ignoring mom.

So, the questions are:
1) How to approach the “no more giving food away” subject without her getting defensive
2) How to get her to willingly help out more without the attitude

[RayvenQ]

1. "I understand making food and sharing it out is something you like doing, but you're taking food from the mouths of me, your mom and your brother, by cooking all that stuff and giving it away and not helping to pay for any of the stuff you use."

Although I cant say I know your sister well enough to give more ideas for #2

[Sapphire Silk]

The problem is just as much your mother as it is your sister. Mom is enabling Cindy, and she MUST stop.

Cindy must start paying rent. She must contribute to food; if she wants to pay for the food she gives away, that's on her. Otherwise, no more giving away food.

If she has a job, then she has income. She won't learn how to budget until Mom cuts her off. That's what will have to happen if Cindy resists paying her own way; Mom really will have to make her move out.

You really need to have a sit down with Mom, and do an intervention. If other family members or close friends see the same pattern it might help.

It's a tough situation. I wish you luck.

[Pixilated]

The problem is just as much your mother as it is your sister. Mom is enabling Cindy, and she MUST stop.

Cindy must start paying rent. She must contribute to food; if she wants to pay for the food she gives away, that's on her. Otherwise, no more giving away food.

If she has a job, then she has income. She won't learn how to budget until Mom cuts her off. That's what will have to happen if Cindy resists paying her own way; Mom really will have to make her move out.

You really need to have a sit down with Mom, and do an intervention. If other family members or close friends see the same pattern it might help.

It's a tough situation. I wish you luck.

This. Unless there are other factors that I'm not aware of, I'm not sure why anybody is worried about your sister getting "defensive." Of course she will. She's got everything her way now. Why would she be anything except pissed off when that stops? She may grow up and stop of her own accord, but your mother can't afford to wait for that to happen.

The first thing that has to be done is stop her leeching. No more bailing her out. You've only got $17 left? Gee, that's too bad; looks like you're going to be on a tight budget until your next paycheque. Want to feed all your coworkers? Either you pay for your own food, or at least replace all of Mom's food that you use.

As for #2, that truly is problematic. IF she smartens up, this will happen as she realizes she's got it pretty good where she is and doesn't want to lose it. If not, she will not help out. At that point, your mother will have to choose between continuing to put up with sis's attitude and leeching, or the much tougher choice of putting her foot down and setting a deadline for sis to get her own place.

It won't be easy, especially if your mother is like my grandmother: somebody who absolutely could not cope with the idea that someone, anyone, might not like her. People like that will put up with all kinds of crap, unfortunately, because they can't make see the disconnect between "like" and "exploit."

Good luck.

[Der Cute]

You personally can't say much to your sister than, "I really think Mum could use a lot more help here. Cleaning, like dishes and dusting. She's getting older and it hurts to move so much. Can you do more of that for her? Oh, hey, can you leave more of those big dinners?"
This is an issue between your mother and your sister. Only think you can do yourself is chat with your mother and do your best so your mother sees what's happening. This is a choice your mother is making to "support" your sister

[KhirasHY]

I once tried to be an entitled kid, demanding everything. I got my ass smacked for it when I was 5, and it sorted itself out very quickly.

The fact is, as long as mom keeps paying for Cindy's...well, everything, nothing is going to change. I have a few friends who are the same way; they spend all their cash, and suddenly can't pay rent! "Oh boo hoo, can you give me a loaner?" "Sure, but I charge 50% interest...pay your shit." I have no patience for people like this, even though some of them are my friends, simply because they almost never learn responsibility until they are in some awful situation, then they're forced to dig down and eat nothing but ramen for a few months until they sort it out. Of course, a lot of them habitually relapse once their cash situation is better.

I don't know how old Cindy is, but I got a nice ultimatum at some point: "Get out, get a job, and find an apartment in the next month, or start paying rent." It worked just fine, and should be a nice reality check, but only if Mom keeps to the threat. Didn't move out? Rent's $300 this month. It goes up to $400 next month, to pay back all the money you owe. Happy Birthday.

On a side note, I wish I starred in a reality show where I got to make the children of other people cry. It would be so fun, at least until people realized I was drawing power from it, and had to be destroyed before I started conquering the universe...

*AHEM* What were we talking about?

[Zapper]

1. Sit her down and have a serious talk about the family finances. It could be that she really doesn't grasp how things really are, or is simply in denial. A dose of reality could be helpful. Also, and I hate to go there, but...let her know she's on her own if she gets pregnant. She's young, and stays out all night with the boyfriend. The dominoes are all set up for that one.

2. In all likelyhood, she's still going to take offense at helping out. Some people are simply wired like that. My family has gone through some really tough times the last couple years, and it really revealed the character of some of the extended family. Some people are just very self-centered.

[Eevie]

Out of curiosity, how old is Cindy? Not that it's too important. But if she's around my age, I think your mom needs to show some tough love. My mother has a very authoritarian style of parenting. I have long stated if I did something wrong (either it be at school or with police involvement) to not get my mom involved, I'm far more scared of her more than I am anyone else. What if you used a combination lock for where the food is stored so she can't get to it? If she wants to treat her coworkers, she does it with her own money. Speaking of money, my mom always said if I needed money, I'd need to pay back with interest. Her reasoning being nothing in real life resembles someone just giving you money and nothing happens on your part.

As a teen, Cindy's learned what she can get away with, I went through it around 15, until Mom took me aside and told me that if I was such an adult, I could hold my own. She set me up for paying her money and doing chores to earn it. This included meals, toiletries, and anything else I needed. It gave me a pretty clear idea of what she needed to worry about at times. But I'll say, I'm glad I learned fast, it was an absolute nightmare. So what if you used something similar?

That, or if she's a legal adult, kick her out. If she's gone as much as you say, then there'd really be no difference by this point. She doesn't want to take her brother, she's gone half the time, and she's not supporting the family. I suppose it's up to your mom by this point though.

[iradney]

Put a lock on the pantry and fridge. Cindy wants to feed her co-workers? She can fork out her own money for the food.
Mom needs to put her foot down and say "either you pay rent, or you help out around the house. Or you are welcome to leave."

I hear no mention of school, so I can assume that Cindy has graduated and is working full time. So she is then able to move out. And frankly, Mom kicking her out could be the best thing for her.

By allowing Cindy to carry on in this manner, Mom is not doing her any favours. Cindy will never learn how to budget, the joy of saving up for something and that feeling of achievement.

Frankly, my Mom would've taken the car back from me if I'd treated her that way.

[MoonCat]

I agree with everything that's been said here. Just let your mom know to prepare for screaming, whining and crying. Your mom needs to know that it doesn't mean Cindy doesn't love her; she just loves getting a free ride, too.

[Mishi]

By allowing Cindy to carry on in this manner, Mom is not doing her any favours. Cindy will never learn how to budget, the joy of saving up for something and that feeling of achievement.

Quoted for truth, as evidenced by my 25 year old brother in law. He's mummy's boy, even though they fight all the time, and has never had to do anything by himself. He racks up massive bills and refuses to pay them, she refuses to allow him to hit rock-bottom and so pays them. He always gets what he wants eventually, and so it was rather a shock for him this weekend that he now has no place to live. Nanna B, who is known for her kind heart, kicked him out and she was the last family member that would have him. She told him that his half-grown puppy needed to be rehomed with someone that would provide adequate care and training. He said "If the dog goes, I go!" and was rather surprised when she said "Fine, off you go!" and refused to give him petrol money. Yup, that's right...he asked her for money as she was kicking him out! (He also asked for some of her meds when he first moved in, so she was afraid to leave the house in case he stole some.) This is not the sort of person that you want your sister to become, so have a chat with your mum and various family members to sort this issue out pronto.

Once the law has been laid down, expect some whinging possibly followed by a period of time where she acts like an angel. Don't fall for it, it's likely that she will return to her old behaviours if she is allowed any leniency. Make sure that there are consequences for her actions, otherwise she will never learn and will get herself into a lot of trouble.

[Kisa]

I talked to mom, read her some of the comments here. She talked to Cindy (who is 19 btw) and it went ok I suppose. She didn't whine, cry, throw a fit or threaten to move out. However, she didn't show any signs of change either.

Mom: I need you to help around the house. We need to work together as a family and I can't do things on my own.
Cindy: I do help.

Mom: I need you to stop staying out so late and be home by midnight. You've been too tired to help lately and I need that to stop.
Cindy: I'm fine.

Basically, nothing has changed. Mom doesn't want to kick her out or stop helping her so I don't thing anything will change at this point in time.

[iradney]

Then you may need to get tough with your Mom and say "Mom, I love you, but you cannot complain to me about Cindy anymore. You refuse to do anything about it, and I'm tired of my advice being ignored."

[Eevie]

You know, I think she just focusing on the few times she does help, and saying that it's all the time. The old "just once is enough" mentality. Perhaps you can record how late she stays away and show her. That, or my mom's method, call police say she snuck out when she's not supposed to be, and have the ever loving crap embarrassed out of her in front of her friends. That, or a nice little brush with the law might have some effect. Maybe the local police station has a program your family can look into for this kind of thing. never know until you check. However at this point I think the best way to help with Cindy's problems is to fix your mom. She's an enabler, only making things worse. Cindy needs to be kicked out, and not allowed back. All she is at this point is a grown toddler. Demanding and crying out the instant something doesn't go her way. And mom needs to stop giving in.

[RayvenQ]

Just to let you guys know, Kisa is in China for the next couple of weeks, probably without internet access, just so you guys dont think she's suddenly ignoring you or anything.