need advice and need to rant

[DeltaSierra]

You've got each other - #1 prioroty is to focus on that.

#2 would be (IMHO) to officially dismiss that toxic family of hers from your lives. Block their phones, remove them from FB or any othe social messaging, ignore emails. They have to learn that behavior like that has consequences. Nobody should EVER treat somebody the way her mom treated her. E.V.E.R.

After you do that, take a deep breath. You two have love on your side. Never underestimate how powerful that is

[sms001]

Can't think of anything to add in the advice line, and sounds like you two have it well in hand anyway pbw. it's just one of those situations where doing the right and correct things just doesn't make it any easier.

What stuns me about the whole deal is that people like her parents continue to do this kind of thing despite exposure from all sorts of media, but especially television, about how pointless and destructive it is. Do they think "Oh, sure, we've seen how harmful meddling in a new marriage is, but we're different?"

[paintballworker]

First off, thank you all for letting me vent and for all the congrats. maria also thanks you, your advice gave her the courage to do the following.

Maria decided to cut all contact with her family("its not worth it, plus I've got your aunt's" who treats Maria like their own daughter). She emailed her parents telling that she has chosen me(her new family) over them(her relatives), and that they won't be seeing any grandkids(proper grandkids*) from her any time soon.

And this morning, I took her out for a breakfast date(we try and do that at least once a month), I told her I got her a surprise, after the past couple of days, she deserves it. She tried to say she doesn't need a surprise, just a nice long vacation.

The surprise: We got married this morning, got in line first

I told her I didn't want to wait till November, and give her parents more chances to attempt to ruin us. For the first time since we started dating, she was speechless. Right now, she's off downtown with some of her girlfriend's shopping(I sent her off so I could get the house ready for tonight--i invited my two aunts up.)

So yeah....I'm now married, never been happier Now if I can get Loki to stand still so I can put them downstairs(my aunts have a German Sheppard named Thor....you can imagine what happens when those two get together.

*the sister situation--Maria has a younger sister(by about a year), who has decided it to make it her mission to repopulate Canada. 6 kids from 6 different father's, no job, tried to get me to loan her money or in one case, claim paternity. Whenever we talked, we ended up cussing and yelling at each other(she called Maria a slut for just dating me). Grrrr, just typing this makes me want to punch the wall.

[Pixilated]

Can't think of anything to add in the advice line, and sounds like you two have it well in hand anyway pbw. it's just one of those situations where doing the right and correct things just doesn't make it any easier.

What stuns me about the whole deal is that people like her parents continue to do this kind of thing despite exposure from all sorts of media, but especially television, about how pointless and destructive it is. Do they think "Oh, sure, we've seen how harmful meddling in a new marriage is, but we're different?"

Ditto here. It definitely does sound as if you two have things well in hand -- kudos to you both!

sms001, people who indulge in this sort of behaviour do indeed think their situation is different because, you see, they only have the best interests of their offspring at heart, while those other cases are clearly just meddling fools who don't know when to let go ...

[42_42_42]

Congratulations!

From the info you've relayed here, sounds like she's made the right choice in cutting all ties to her toxic family. Now the two of you can concentrate on forging your own family of two (plus cats).

[Seshat]

Both you and Maria need to know this:

Maria may well develop (or have) concern for children of her family. Nieces and nephews. As I have told my own loved ones: "Alice and Johnny (not their real names) have done nothing to me." (Other than the things all infants do: pee on you, throw up on you, drop things on you....)

For the sake of the kids, I stay in touch with, and on 'good terms' (so they think) with my relatives. It's a tricky line to walk, and if Maria wants to do that, it'll take diplomacy from both of you.
That said, the best thing for the kids might be a call to social services. It's hard to say. And you will NOT be able to do ANYTHING for the kids if you're a total mess from having had to deal with the toxic family yourselves. The kids may well be better helped by someone who's emotionally separate from the situation; such as a social worker.

Finally: Maria herself.
I'm seeing a therapist - in my case, a mental health nurse - to help me recover from my own toxic childhood. She's helped me discover problems dating back to infancy, and possibly even the in-uteri period. (It turns out Mum was grieving during that period, and noone's entirely sure how much that affects what crosses the placenta.)

I recommend some sort of therapy for Maria: either with or without a therapist. I know you say you don't have much money right now, but Maria can start her therapy by kneading dough, painting (and yes, children's fingerpaints and butcher's paper is fine), playing music, writing letters that never get sent.....

My therapist says that some research has shown that what matters most in therapy is not the actual type of therapy, but the relationship between therapist and patient. So if you do end up seeking formal therapy, give it a couple of sessions to see if you 'click' with the therapist, but don't be afraid of deciding to try someone else.

[Pimento]

I'm gonna lay this out there since it sounds IDENTICAL to what I went through.

If you want to know how your wife will turn out in 20 years, look at her mother. My mother in law ruined our first wedding plans. Then when we decided to do what we could afford, we told her to shut up about it.

She showed up at the wedding in a big white outfit, then cried like she was at a funeral for her daughter.

The stress and guilt trips eventually were a huge contributing factor to the reason we separated. I mean, were gonna work it out, but right now we are talking mostly over text messages and have decided to live apart for a while.

Her mom is dragging my name through the mud. And ignored all attempts for me contacting her.

I'm gonna suggest that you VERY clearly tell her how you feel about her family and establish guide lines for them now. I thought the wife and I were on the same page...but she always went back to help dear old mom

[mosspack1]

First of all...Congrats! I am posting this from a friend who went though the same situation with her in-laws.

1. "No" is a sentence
2. Never "JADE" (justify and defend everything)
3. Be prepared for them to ramp up the crazy when they find out you are married
4. It is perfectly fine to cut-off toxic people even if they are family.
5. When the flying monkeys come out (friends and family of the in-laws) tell them it is not up for discussion.
6. Black hole all communicatin if need be. But do not return to sender any mail they send as that is seen by crazies as communication. File it if needed for future use.
7. You and your wife must present a united front.

Seems like you have #7 covered. Hopefully your in-laws will not call the police and claim you murdered your wife when she stops communication with them. Yes, my friends in-laws did that.

[paintballworker]

This is a quick update for all, my aunts have 'wife-napped' Maria for a "girl's night".

Maria has turned out more like her grandmother then her mom, for which I'm eternally grateful. She's also in therapy(and she does fencing and RPG's). And as for the children, they are spoiled brats just like their mother. I leave the call up to Maria, but I have advocated it.

And Maria knows full well what I think of her family, second date she warned me about her 'crazy family', and that she understood if I didn't want to keep dating after I met them. I assure you they couldn't be that bad....oh I was wrong, so very wrong. 10 minutes after meeting her mom, she was dragging me out of their house screaming at her mother that she was an asshole and it 'was my decision'. Shes joked that when she wins the lottery she's gonna buy a North Korean nuke and drop it on her family. My family, by comparison, are bloody saints!

Oh trust me, we are ready for weapons-grade crazy, but we have a secret weapon
.....
My aunts

They've been together for almost 30 years, and finally got married last year. And guess who can't stand same-sex marriages .

Also, I dare them to call the police, it means my next door neighbor can come over and bring that pulled pork he keeps ranting about.(I live next to a detective).

I've just these here(a plate of +1 cookies of thanks, and the keys to my drink cabinet). I'm off to wrangle a dog so I can take him for a walk.

[Sapphire Silk]

So if you do end up seeking formal therapy, give it a couple of sessions to see if you 'click' with the therapist, but don't be afraid of deciding to try someone else.

Second this. I had to try a couple before I found the right one.

Congrats on the wedding! I wish you both many happy years together, and many happy wonderfully adjusted children when you decide to start having them.

I think you guys are doing a good job of handling this; stick to your guns!

[MoonCat]

Wow. You're right, they're nuts.

Congrats on the marriage! May it be a very long and VERY happy one!

[sms001]

'grats pbw! Have a long and happy one.

[MistressOfTangents]

I'm late to this, but my warmest congratulations to you both anyway.

[mathnerd]

Congrats on the wedding! You've been given some really good advise. I wanted to add a page out of my parents' book. They've been married for 47 years.

My parents' families hated each other. My mom is catholic and dad was raised baptist (he converted when I was a little girl.) My mother's cousin accidentally shot and killed my dad's brother (a bunch of boys were target shooting on mom's family's farm). To say that there was no love would be an understatement. My mother's mother was also extremely controlling. My grandmother took away my mother's car at one point because she refused to break up with my father. My father's mother, well, she was a "strong" personality and just yelled and cursed every time my mother was mentioned.

So, knowing that it would not be well received, my father picked up my mother from her last day of high school and they drove straight through to S. Carolina, which was the first place they could find with judges available 24 hours a day in order to get married. Mom's mom actually drove up a few days later and tried to force her to come home. That didn't go over well. Both of my grandmothers meddled and tried to break them up every chance they got (both of my grandfathers passed before I was born, and neither of them are really talked about much, so I don't know about them.)

One day when my mom and I were talking, I asked her how she managed to keep a strong front as a couple with all that pressure from both families. She told me that she has a "love/hate relationship" with her in-laws. They hate her and she loves them. No matter what they threw at her, she took a deep breath and ended the conversation with "I love you, we'll talk later." Dad did the same thing to the other side. She said that just because you don't like somebody, doesn't mean you can't love them.

It worked for 44 years until the last of my grandparents passed away 3 years ago. My parents' marriage isn't all sunshine and roses, but they're pushing in on a half century, so they must be doing something right!

[paintballworker]

Thanks again,
I'm the kind of person who, when they are mad smiles like the Cheshire Cat, pisses people off. Every time Maria sees her families # on her cell, sighs and lets it go to voicemail.

I'm also proud of the fact that our only major fight so far, has been about her family, and even then, we both knew we were being colossal ass hats to each other. We do nitpick, but those dont end in fights, just her reminding me she has a sword....and can use it.